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ok, i think it's gotten to the point of obsession.


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i have made minimal progress in moving on from my ex and healing from the break up.

 

however, i think it's gotten to the point of obsession because i still cannot stop thinking about her. the pain has been less but recently there has been some contact between us and it never is good. it's only through email and she's always very angry in her messages even when i remain calm and don't retaliate or stoop to her level. i know i shouldn't respond to any of her correspondence, but it's difficult not to, especially when she says things about me that aren't true. i want to explain and defend myself. i have to ignore any correspondence, if/when it happens again. i know this.

 

i recently posted on here about her getting upset about some anonymous things i posted on my tubmlr blog about my road to recovery from this break up (amongst other things that I am trying to overcome) that had some things to do about my ex. it's completely anonymous.

 

so, my problem is, i still can't stop thinking about her. what i think about is: does she miss me? is she hurting? why is she so concerned about what i say anonymously on my blog? why does she care at all? why do i still think about our good times? why do i still miss her? hasn't she moved on by now, especially since she dumped me (for the 5th time)? isn't she happier with out me (she made it seem like the relationship was so awful)?

 

i'm no longer thinking about whether or not she wants to get back with me. and i don't want to reconcile.

 

i'm really sad, frustrated, and upset with myself. i feel like this is a drug addiction or something. i go to sleep thinking about her and then i wake up thinking about her. but it's different than it was before. i'm just curious to know what is going on with her and what she is thinking. i'm now used to this but i don't want to keep her in my thoughts at all.

 

i don't know how to break these obsessive thoughts. i've tried many things: distracting myself, practicing mindfulness, spending time with friends, etc, etc, but i still think about her.

 

i'm also feeling very lonely and i miss being in a relationship.

 

i think this obsession has got me stuck in a rut.

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I think about my ex constantly - she's just n my head all the time, neither good nor bad. Wondering what's she's doing, thinking of me, little things remind me of her, thinking of what she thinks of randm things and so on.

 

I think it's just part of the healing process, eventually we'll think of them less and less.

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Get yourself a copy of very brilliant, best selling "Self Help for your Nerves" by Dr Claire Weekes. Not a good title and you may think "Nerves? thats not me?" but I can assure you that if you are TRULY serious about having had enough and are SICK TO DEATH of this obsession, and if you follow its direction and advice, this book WILL cure you of the intrusive thoughts, the obsession, the depression, and everything else associated with your constant battle to stop and you WILL be free.

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Well I am the queen of obsessing over my ex even though he is bad for me and I stopped talking to him six weeks ago so I can relate.

 

I have tried a number of things. Joining a couple creative clubs, finding somewhere new to live, finding new jobs, going on a date (DID NOT HELP JUST REINFORCED MY OBSESSION WITH EX), just going out with various friends, ENA, walks, cooking, buying a new wardrobe, painting...and it does all help a littttttlllee bit but I am still totally obsessed too. It has only been six weeks for me though, how long has it been for you?

 

Also, you should probably go completely no contact if she is contacting you etc. My ex would go nuts if he saw I'd been talking about him on a blog-even if it was annoymous-I often wonder if he will ever see all I have written on here. But you shouldn't give a damn what she says she DUMPED you. You do what you like.

 

If you can think of any new obsession distracting activities please let me know, I too am struggling!

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Oh! But most importantly, do nice things for yourself! Treat yourself like you are your own girlfriend. Get a little gift (or a big gift) for yourself OFTEN, do things that you would like to do. "Treats". Because they sure as hell aren't giving us any and god damn it we deserve them a lot right now.

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You have to go No Contact.

 

You're not able to sever ties and REALLY start healing emotionally until you've gone No Contact -- that means cutting all internet connections, not communicating by emails, changing your phone, the whole deal.

 

Right now you're like a dieter who keeps a big bag of cookies hidden in your desk drawer and all day at work you sneak cookies and then you wonder why you haven't lost any weight.

 

You want to move on? STOP CONTACT. It works!

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I understand exactly where you are coming from. Been there, done all that. I understand it's like an addiction. How do you break that addiction? Realize you don't need it to be happy. You go cold Turkey (strict no contact) or you keep kidding yourself and stay in a perpetual state of this addiction by wondering what she's doing, analyzing why she did this or that. Who cares. Who cares what she does and who she does it with. Not any of your concern or your problem. Drugs, booze, smoking and yes love (or want of love) is like an addiction. When you've had it and if it was strong at some point, you'll want it again. You'll want what you can't have. You'll have to go through withdrawals, your healing. It takes time and determination. You don't need her to complete you or make you happy. Same principle with any other addiction. Learn to love yourself first before you can give it or receive it. That's your first goal.

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the pain has been less but recently there has been some contact between us and it never is good. it's only through email and she's always very angry in her messages even when i remain calm and don't retaliate or stoop to her level. i know i shouldn't respond to any of her correspondence, but it's difficult not to, especially when she says things about me that aren't true. i want to explain and defend myself. i have to ignore any correspondence, if/when it happens again. i know this.

 

Block her email for now, or delete or move her messages to another folder, unread.

 

Realize this - she's venting, and every response only gives her more fuel to hurt you. She's not actually reading most of what you're saying with any kind of comprehension, so all those words you're so painfully writing are falling on deaf ears. She's basically dumping all of her accumulated anger and hurt on you via email. And it doesn't matter how wrong she is about what she says - at this point in time, she doesn't care to hear the truth. Not from you or anyone.

 

You've got someone lobbing missiles at you screaming in German while you're trying to tell them you're not an enemy crouched in a foxhole - and your explanations might as well be in Swahili for all the good they're doing. Right now, you need to take yourself out of range of the missiles - just because beating you up for her pain doesn't make sense doesn't mean those missiles don't hurt when they hit home.

 

Block her from your blog if you can. Block her from email or have the messages move to a folder automatically. Some day in the distant future, you may be able to be civil - but that day is not today, and speculating is hurting your recovery.

 

Get busy, get focused on yourself. There will be times your thoughts will head to her, it's natural. So come up with a plan to divert yourself. Every time your thoughts head that way - immediately DO something, anything. It can be 20 pushups while you force yourself to remember the lyrics to a song from childhood. Planning your meals for a week in your head. Trying to remember where you left something 5 years ago. Mentally going through your schedule to see a good night to plan something either solo or with friends.

 

ANYTHING. But you need to derail that train, and make the derailing habit.

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I am 10 months post break up. Had a brief email exchange about 6 months ago (she contacted me to try to get back together). I refused and though I do think I made the right decision by no means am I happy with it. I don't regret it but it eats me up all the time.

 

I obsess over my ex a lot as well and it gets triggered from the smallest things. If I see a video of some people doing something I start wondering if she is doing that as well, I wonder if she is having fun, I wonder if she thinks about me like I do about her. I wonder whether she works out, whether she has seen new movies. It goes on and on and it gets really frustrating. If I see someone attractive even then I think about her and compare the two. And the bad thing is in my mind she wins always. That is obviously because I still have strong feelings for her.

 

I really want to go out and do tons of stuff which will help me but money is always an issue. I can do these things but then I would be saving nothing. 10 months in and I still obsess over her and it scares me to death. I know nothings lasts forever but that doesn't mean it won't last for a long time and that thought is scary. I go on about my normal life hoping slowly but steadily I stop thinking about her.

 

As for whether she misses you or not I can't comment on that. What I can say is this, that I have been the dumper and still have missed that person tremendously. I have still cried, I have still felt depressed and I have still been hurt. Sometimes people end relationships not because they don't like the person but because they don't like the relationship. Yes you can say that why not try to improve the relationship. But there are times when you are way past that point. I am not implying that that is the same case with you and your ex, I am just telling you about how it was with me.

 

Obsession over your ex is indeed like a drug, the only bad thing is there is no high there is only a comedown. At least when I take a drug I feel good for sometime. There are a lot of things that I am confused about and wonder whether I am on the right path. I don't have many answers or solutions just my own problems lol

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You have to go No Contact.

 

You're not able to sever ties and REALLY start healing emotionally until you've gone No Contact -- that means cutting all internet connections, not communicating by emails, changing your phone, the whole deal.

 

Right now you're like a dieter who keeps a big bag of cookies hidden in your desk drawer and all day at work you sneak cookies and then you wonder why you haven't lost any weight.

 

You want to move on? STOP CONTACT. It works!

 

The longest time between NC was 2 weeks. Even during that time, I still obsessed about her.

 

I understand exactly where you are coming from. Been there, done all that. I understand it's like an addiction. How do you break that addiction? Realize you don't need it to be happy. You go cold Turkey (strict no contact) or you keep kidding yourself and stay in a perpetual state of this addiction by wondering what she's doing, analyzing why she did this or that. Who cares. Who cares what she does and who she does it with. Not any of your concern or your problem. Drugs, booze, smoking and yes love (or want of love) is like an addiction. When you've had it and if it was strong at some point, you'll want it again. You'll want what you can't have. You'll have to go through withdrawals, your healing. It takes time and determination. You don't need her to complete you or make you happy. Same principle with any other addiction. Learn to love yourself first before you can give it or receive it. That's your first goal.

 

Who cares? I do. But I don't want to. I can't even explain why I care. I know I shouldn't.

 

There's that word again, "time".

 

I realize I don't need her to complete me and make me happy. I am really sad and lonely at the moment (sorry for the pity party). I am trying to learn to love myself, I don't think I ever did. I'm going through a lot of struggles, both trying to move on and at the same time, (re)building my self esteem that I never really had much of. One mistake I know I made was putting my self worth and validation in my ex, so when she left, I felt a loss of self worth. So, maybe part of that is a reason for my obsession.

 

I wish I had a close female friend that I could spend time with. Not for any romantic reasons, but just to have that female presence around.

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The longest time between NC was 2 weeks. Even during that time, I still obsessed about her.

 

 

There's that word again, "time".

 

The thing about 'time' is it only helps if you help yourself. I was told so much 'time heals all wounds' blah blah blah. But its been a long time for me and those wounds never healed. Why? Because I didn't let them. You can't expect time to help when your still in contact. Like said above, 2 weeks NC is NOTHING. I didn't start feeling better until at least the one month mark. I've gone 8 months NC. Its hard but doable, and the further away from the situation you get, the less it hurts. Its stops being the constant thing. I'm not saying you won't think of her- you will. I still think of my ex a lot. But it wont be a constant struggle, it won't be in forfront of your mind. THAT is what time does. But you have to let it.

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I really like your analogy. You're right, even though I know that I am right in what I know went wrong in the relationship and I take full accountability for my actions, she has never admitted to doing anything wrong. Sometimes I just wish she would own up and admit to the things she did wrong too, but a person like her will never do that. I'm having a hard time accepting that too. I've apologized countless times and I never heard her say sorry once.

 

But again, I don't know why she's in so much pain. She dumped me. I figured she'd be living a blissful, peaceful, happier life without me with the things she said to me and about me. To be honest, I wish she was happy. I guess it doesn't make sense to me if she still is in pain.

 

I did block her from my blog and I have moved all of her messages into a separate folder in my email. I'll set it up to move any messages from her to that folder right now.

 

As far as being civil, the last email from her said "F*ck you for saying I wasn't committed to you. F*ck you for being in denial. If you believe that because you can't cope with what you did, fine. We're never going to be civil." - ouch.

 

Everyone says "focus on yourself" and I think I am trying. Maybe I don't fully comprehend what that means. I am trying not to think about her. I am in therapy.

 

I'll try the push up routine when I am at home and the other things you've suggested.

 

 

 

 

When you were the dumper, did the person you dump do anything bad after the break up? I did, and I regret it. It was pretty bad and I don't want to say what happened but again, even with the bad things i did after the break up, i figured she would be so happy i'm out of her life, not in any pain, no regrets for dumping me, and no interest in my life or what i think or say about her. it doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Thanks for both of your responses.

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Emotions release strong chemicals in your brain which effect moods. When times are good, you get a "high", when they are bad, you get a "low". We become addicted to these chemicals, mostly the good ones, and when they are gone, we crash. Much like a drug addict going through withdrawal, we look for any release from our pain, and seek out what once give us the high. Love is an addiction, just as strong as any other, and the withdrawal needs to ridden out to its conclusion. The contact you receive, good or bad, gives you a fix, and then you're back to step one in your recovery. Posting on sites, anonymous or otherwise, also gives you a fix because you are talking about her, relieving you pain and stress over the situation. It's safe to say since she's contacting you that she is thinking about you, maybe even misses you and is angry that you are doing all you can to move on, which she doesn't seem to want you to do. If you're sincere that you want out of what appears to be a seriously dysfunctional cycle, then you need to practice complete no contact. You need to block her from contacting you by any means, phone, text, email, social media. She needs to simply stop existing to you, as hard as that sounds. I broke up with my ex just this week after discovering he'd spent the weekend with his ex-girlfriend. I let him vent the next day and listened as he claimed nothing happened and he just needed a place to go, etc, but once he was done, and I was done with my rebuttals of why it was not acceptable to me or what I wanted in a relationship, contact was ended. I immediately deleted all messages, his contact information, all pictures, and removed any posts he had made to me on social networks. Of course I miss him and wish things had turned out differently, and I have no doubt he also misses me, but ultimately you have to not dwell on the good times and focus on what was not working about the relationship in those times when they come to mind and you begin to obsess and have doubts or regrets. It's not easy, I have moments when I'm so angry at his betrayal I want to lash out, and other moments when I think of his smile and my heart hurts, but I've given in to these things in the past and know they only intensify and prolong the pain of a break up. You're going have to dig deep into yourself and when the thoughts start force yourself to stop thinking, stop feeling, and stop wondering. Good luck and I hope I've helped a little. You can get through this!

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Something I learned with my ex - Because really, I never learned it before - There is no sense in trying to defend yourself with this kind of thing. None. It makes you look guilty by default. As though you have a reason to defend yourself. Even if you don't, you see what I am saying? Plus, it is engaging - What better way to get someone to be responsive to you other than to spit out a bunch of venom? The first instinct is to disprove. But you will soon see it is very, very fruitless. If a mind is set, a mind is set, and nothing you are going to do is going to change that. It becomes a huge drain on your energy - But it's also a very prime time to finally start to learn how to trust yourself and feel secure about your choices.

 

Yes. You have to ignore it. Otherwise this cycle will loop, and loop, and loop, and you will be here 2 years from now in the same place(isn't that completely frightening?!).

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Thanks for this explanation and sharing your story, it helped.

 

Why is it so hard to completely cut my ex out of my life, even if there's NC. She's blocked my phone # shortly after the BU, I blocked her on FB, set my Instagram profile to private, and blocked her IPs from Tumblr. I've had the same phone # for 10 years, so I don't feel like changing it. Besides, like I said, she blocked my # from her cell anyway.

 

I've explained this before but I will say it again, she has no friends in real life and lived a life online since she was a teen. Most of her online friends she's never met. She craves attention, especially on social media. She completely deactivated her Instagram account, which she loved, and her tumblr page, which she loved as well. She even temporarily disabled her Facebook account. I blocked her on Facebook and set my Instagram profile to private. I'm thinking about deleting my tumblr page, but it makes me feel sad that it has come to this. And I often wonder why she removed herself from IG and Tumblr. I know I am not supposed to care or shouldn't, but I do. I really want to know what made her do that. It's not like Instagram tells you who's looking at your profile. When she was on there, she blocked me but didn't make her profile private. And, unless you have some plug in for Tumblr, you have no clue who's looking at your page. At any rate, I guess it doesn't matter.

 

 

 

Hmm, I guess you're right. They don't want to hear it anyway and they're convinced that they're right.

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When you were the dumper, did the person you dump do anything bad after the break up? I did, and I regret it. It was pretty bad and I don't want to say what happened but again, even with the bad things i did after the break up, i figured she would be so happy i'm out of her life, not in any pain, no regrets for dumping me, and no interest in my life or what i think or say about her. it doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Our relationship was very rocky esp at the end. I always loved her but I did not love the relationship. And there were times when we broke up and got back together. I got back together because I knew I loved her and she loved me and I knew that the past things she or I may have done were just to help ourselves and not to hurt each other. But yes she did a lot of bad things after the break up. And she always justified it by the fact that I broke up or did something wrong. And though I am not saying that I did not have faults but you can not justify one wrong action by another. The things I found out at the end completely crushed me. I never imagined that she would be able to do the things she did. I never thought that she would inflict the pain she did. And that is a big part of why I am stuck. Usually I forgive and forget very easy but this time even after 10 months I have not been able to forgive her. Even after all that I still love her.

 

It frustrates me and upsets me. Makes me feel inadequate. Makes me feel like I am failing and that feeling carries on to the other aspects of my life. I still want to be with her but I know that I won't. I can't. If I do so then I truly have failed. When I am able to forgive her and myself completely is when I will know that I am completely healed.

 

It is difficult to know what the other person is feeling but I always say that be kind because everyone is fighting their own hard battles. I have done bad things but I have never justified them. I have accepted them and taken responsibility. In my opinion whether she wanted you out of her life doesn't change the fact that she had feelings for you and as you know feelings don't die easy. And I read somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

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She's as emotional as you are.. i'm sure....

She's venting negativity, so whether it is + or -, it's still investing energy towards you.

Does she think of you? Of course she does. Our minds & hearts do NOT just brush someone away over night. It all takes time.

 

Both partners will suffer in the end. What you're going thru is normal & expected, for some time yet.

We vent, we're hurt, angry, sad, lonely etc. And this will go on as we deal with our 'loss'. Until we come to 'accept it' and work on moving on.

Will take it's time on our hearts & minds, so this is why we NEED to break free- going No contact..remove her completely so YOU can work on 'healing'.

 

tc

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This sounds a lot like my relationship with my ex, except I was more like your exGF.

 

My ex dumped me 5 times and took me back 4 of them. Looking back, I didn't have enough self esteem to not come back. I, like you, always loved her but there were things she did that made me question her loyalty and commitment to me.

 

At least I owned up to the bad behavior and the bad things I did after the break up and relentlessly apologized. In our last interaction, she said "all the hallow apologies cannot fix what you did". I can't fix what's been done but I can say I'm sorry and that I regret what I did.

 

Perhaps what I did crushed my ex? I don't know.

 

I feel like you as well, even though my ex said so many awful things to me and about me, I still love her.

 

When she would be nasty to me, i always responded with kindness and/or calmness. But she just spewed her anger towards me no matter what.

 

I would like to get to the indifference stage.

 

Thanks for sharing.

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deejay, I haven't read this whole thread thoroughly, so I don't know if it's been talked about. But do you think you assume so much responsibility for the demise of the relationship, more than your share because you.might think if it's on you, there might stand a chance to fix it?

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She's as emotional as you are.. i'm sure....

She's venting negativity, so whether it is + or -, it's still investing energy towards you.

Does she think of you? Of course she does. Our minds & hearts do NOT just brush someone away over night. It all takes time.

 

Both partners will suffer in the end. What you're going thru is normal & expected, for some time yet.

We vent, we're hurt, angry, sad, lonely etc. And this will go on as we deal with our 'loss'. Until we come to 'accept it' and work on moving on.

Will take it's time on our hearts & minds, so this is why we NEED to break free- going No contact..remove her completely so YOU can work on 'healing'.

 

tc

 

In a way, I take comfort in what you are saying. I honestly thought, with all the nasty things she was saying about me and thought about me, she'd be so happy without me in her life and would've moved on completely. I am not saying that I'm happy she's hurting too, but to know I am not alone in this.

 

I know for a fact that she is STILL talking badly about me to her friends and family. I guess that means she hasn't moved on? When I speak to my friends, I don't talk badly about her, I just talk to them about how I am having trouble moving on. They tell me things like "she wasn't the right one for you", and "you're better off without her", and the like, but I try very hard not to talk badly about her.

 

Again, she broke up with me (for the 5th and final time), so I assumed she's accepted her decision and had moved on.

 

I honestly hope that both my ex and I can get some respite or completely move on. I still care about her too.

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deejay, I haven't read this whole thread thoroughly, so I don't know if it's been talked about. But do you think you assume so much responsibility for the demise of the relationship, more than your share because you.might think if it's on you, there might stand a chance to fix it?

 

i used to assume a lot of the responsibility for the demise of the relationship but i realized my ex contributed her fair share of it too. the problem with her is that she has never admitted to doing anything wrong, blames me for everything, and thinks she doesn't have any issues of her own.

 

for post break up behavior, i did some bad things and i completely take responsibility for what i did, and i have apologized countless times to her about it.

 

there's no chance to fix this, whatever it is, we had unless she admits and owns up for her mistakes and tries to work on them. but i highly doubt that would happen and i don't think it would last.

 

there's one huge thing that she did that she never admits that was wrong, and you can read about it here:

 

and to this day, she claims she was committed to me, but she doesn't know what that means.

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I agree with you deejay. Both sides would have to own up to their mistakes for it to have a chance of working.

 

And yeah you cannot change the things you did but apologizing and assuming responsibility is a damn good start. Everyone makes mistakes. I think what differentiates you is whether you have the ability to own up to them and be willing to change. If you never own up to them and keep on trying to justify them then there is no way it would work.

 

My ex looked at the bad things in our relationship more as a score board. The thinking was if you did that then I can do that. As if that would resolve anything. It just makes things worse. One thing that bothers me to this day is that I don't think my ex will ever realize the pain that she caused and why I was so hurt.

 

It will get better. As much as it sucks it has to get better. I wish you the best of luck man.

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I am willing to change. I realized some personal issues i have that did contribute to the problems in the relationship, and i am getting help now. one of those things was low self-esteem.

 

I feel the same about you regarding my ex and her never realizing the pain she put me through both during and after the break up.

 

Thanks for the well wishes. I am trying to just own up to the fact that the pain will be there for a while and there's not much i can do to stop feeling it. Another issue I have is giving up control, so i guess giving up control on the way i am feeling should be a start. but it just feels so awful.

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