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The woman I love/loves me just got married...


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Any advice would be appreciated...

 

I'll write the short version of my dilemma.

 

I dated my highschool sweetheart all through university - we dated for 7 years and were madly in love. Once done school, I decided I wanted to change my career direction and had a lot of doubt but nothing major. One day, I woke up with unbearable depression and anxiety and made a huuuge mistake, I distanced myself from everyone I love because I was embarrassed. I ended up breaking up with her with all the intentions of getting better and coming back to her as a new man. Now here's were it gets interesting. We kept in touch, she knew exactly why I was doing what I was doing, etc. Throughout these 3 years We would hang out every now and then and it would be amazing. Throughout all of this, she met a guy on vacation, rightfully so. She couldn't wait for me forever. They were on again, off again, due to long distance, and we would hang out during all of this until he decided to visit (he's from england). Before he came to visit, I went to see her and told asked her 10000 times if he was going to propose, she said she didn't think so and we proceeded to have a deep conversation where she expressed to me that I was the one and she still loves me. I said the same back. At this point I just got off my meds, my career was looking up and I was starting to feel like myself again, no more BS depression. So, I waited for him to leave before I would come back to her as a new man ready to be serious which is what we both wanted. He proposed to her while he was visiting and she said yes. She called to tell me and we cried together, I was devastated... she didn't seem excited like a newly engaged girl should. We still spoke to each other and I expressed how upset I was. She called me today and told me that she had secretly married him so he could stay in the country but was balling her eyes out - I could tell she wants to be with me but she doesn't know what to do. She didn't know how serious I was and didn't want to wait for me forever. I have to worst timing! I don't know what to do, I would appreciate some insight. I understand it was my fault and I don't blame her, but we both know it's a mistake not to be together - we are soulmates.

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no it was not your fault, it IS her fault...if she knew ad understood and yada yada, then if she loved you that much, she would have waited, given you time, I know, because I have done the same..

and if she really loved you that deeply she would NOT have accepted that guy's proposal because she told you you were the one and you said the same, well that entire conversation is BS if she then goes and accepts another guy's proposal and then secretly marries him....a woman who truly loves someone else does not do that, sorry!

and a soulmate doesn't do that to you either...

I know very well hoe hard it is to deal with someone battling depression, my BF goes through that as well, but I would never go around and marry someone else...

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He proposed to her while he was visiting and she said yes.

She called me today and told me that she had secretly married him

She didn't know how serious I was and didn't want to wait for me forever.

 

Its not your fault, she moved on. I think she likes the idea of you changing yourself for her, and still loving her, but if she loved you back she would wait for you and support your self-search. Instead she found someone else and accepted a ring from him.

 

which is what we both wanted you wanted that. and you hoped and believed she was waiting for you.

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I think if a guy is serious about a girl, he will not break up and make her wait for him forever.

If a guy breaks up with me because he has a problem, I wonder how is gonna be when/if we get married? How he's going to deal with problems throughout marriage? And kids?

Life happens, we can't just give up on the people we love, to fix our problems and expect them to wait forever.

Just think about that.

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I think people can be madly in love with each other, still not being able to give what they need from each other. I think she loves you, but she needs something that you couldn't give to her, I don't know, maybe you don't make her feel safe around your for example, you don't give her stability she needs, so she chose the man that probably is giving her what she needs... even without being madly in love with her husband... You put her on hold, ask her to wait until you figure yourself out, maybe she was thinking you will just do that again or over and over again, that you are not stable enough.

Love, mad love sometimes is just not enough, love has a pragmatical side also, maybe your love for her wasn't pragmatical enough for her... In true love you need to have warm heart/passion but cool head.

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Not wanting to wait for someone forever is one thing (and quite understandable) but marrying someone in secret (whether it is to keep them in the country of not) is quite another.

 

There is another side to all this. The her and him side. They were a couple before they "secretly" got married. They obviously spent quality time together even if some of it was long distance. Their relationship can't be all bad. I think she still harbours some feelings for you but I think there is far more to their relationship than she is letting on.

 

To be perfectly frank, the "getting married to keep him in the country" thing doesn't really add up. If they married purely for him to stay in the country then it is a marriage of convenience .... and if it WERE purely a marriage of convenience and there was no love there then surely they would have some arrangement where they lived separate lives. No, this isn't just a marriage of convenience. It is more than that.

 

You say you don't know what to do ... well there is nothing you can do. She is married. You have no choice but to move on as she has chosen to do.

 

If you really were soul mates then none of this would have happened and she certainly wouldn't have chosen to marry someone else, whatever the reason.

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I think your expectations that she wait for you were unrealistic.

 

The early bird gets the worm, my dear. He proposed to her. At any time, you could have proposed to her and asked her to be patient with you as you worked out what you needed to work out. It's really, really unrealistic to expect someone to wait around 3 years for you to make up your mind to move forward with them.

 

Having said that, I do not believe she thinks it was a mistake to marry him--at any time, she could have said "no", but she didn't. She could have broken up with him, but she didn't. She married him and perhaps her tears were more for shame than they were that she feels she made a mistake, as they should be. She was giving you false hope that she would be there for you just as you were wasting her time being indecisive with her.

 

If she was your "soulmate" (and there is no such thing as a soulmate), she would have waited forever for you. She wanted connection with a man who offered it and her husband offered it before you did and she took it. I can't say I blame her, and I know you don't. People have to do what they feel they have to do and he was offering her what she wanted at this point in her life; you weren't. Life's like that sometimes.

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She called me today and told me that she had secretly married him so he could stay in the country but was balling her eyes out - I could tell she wants to be with me but she doesn't know what to do.

 

Sounds to me like she was keeping it a secret from just YOU because she is using you and playing you for a fool. This isnt some big tragedy that happened to her or was forced upon her. She made a conscious choice to date him, be with him, to fall in love with him, to marry him. They made future plans, made wedding arrangements over a period of time and she had every opportunity to back out, yet she she chose him. I guarantee that she stood at the altar and happily said yes with a big beaming smile on her face, looking stunning and happy because she is and I'm sure that all the wedding photos will prove that.

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I think if a guy is serious about a girl, he will not break up and make her wait for him forever.

If a guy breaks up with me because he has a problem, I wonder how is gonna be when/if we get married? How he's going to deal with problems throughout marriage? And kids?

Life happens, we can't just give up on the people we love, to fix our problems and expect them to wait forever.

Just think about that.

 

I kind of have to agree with this.

 

I don't have enough info to make a fair analysis about everything, but based on what you've written I see two signs which indicate you were not meant to be together:

 

1) Depression is a serious thing and I completely understand wanting to deal with your issues alone and getting better before being with her, but then what is the point of marriage if we distance ourselves from our partner when things get difficult? In a marriage you will go through really high highs and really low lows TOGETHER. If a relationship can't survive through a depression, then the marriage surely wouldn't survive through a depression either.

 

2) She married someone else. If you were truly meant to be with one another, she wouldn't have gotten married and you wouldn't have broken up with her in the first place. Full stop.

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Wow this is quite overwhelming but i think you do need to figure out a solution here as it seems a bit messy as it stands. I feel sorry for the new guy if he has honest feelings for her and doesn't know about your continual relationship that seems to be undefined. One thing i dont understand is why you broke up with her if you couldn't bear the thought of her being with someone else? I understanding wanting to have space and work on yourself but if you want to hold on to one woman then it just seems odd to accept the idea of her being in a long distance thing with someone else. And also if she really did think you're 'the one' why did she say YES to him when he proposed?? I'm sorry but none of this adds up or makes sense to me... No one marries someone and sacrifices their own happiness just out of convenience /because their partner wanted to stay in the country.

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I think if a guy is serious about a girl, he will not break up and make her wait for him forever.

If a guy breaks up with me because he has a problem, I wonder how is gonna be when/if we get married? How he's going to deal with problems throughout marriage? And kids?

Life happens, we can't just give up on the people we love, to fix our problems and expect them to wait forever.

Just think about that.

 

I agree with this and she also said yes to this guy of her own free will. Just like you loved her in some ways but needed to do your own thing, she likely has strong feelings for you and needs to do her own thing. She accepted his proposal of her own free will. She couldn't have been expected to wait allllll this time. In fact I think its ironic that in 3 years you were just suddenly ready and a 'new man' right exactly the same week he proposed. That's some pretty ironic timing. If you had really wanted to make it work, you would have found a way. Likewise if she wanted to truly be with you, she wouldn't have married someone else.

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I hate to say it but if she felt that the 2 of you were soul mates then she would not have married someone else and if I were you, I would step back and allow her to sort out her marriage instead of using you as a therapist or marriage counselor because this will possibly depress you even more in the end.

 

She's confused and I don't think that she's really being as honest with you and you'd like to believe because she didn't have to marry that guy but she did so she feel something for him.

 

Good Luck

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Why were you asking her if he is going to propose to her when he comes over? You knew they were more serious than you are letting on. Also, if you wanted all this future together then why on earth did you sit back passively, let her do her thing with some other guy, while you were suspecting that he might propose, and yet did nothing to get her back before the dude came over? None of this makes sense to me.

 

What is certain is that she had developed a relationship with someone else that lead to marriage and you are still living in your own head thinking that there is something there between you and her. No, she moved on, she got involved with someone else, she got engaged, she got married. She is done with you. Given your long history, it's likely she was just incredibly uncomfortable with having to tell you all this, perhaps even feeling pity for you, thus the tears, regardless, she chose to move on. Time for you to stop living inside your head and start seeking out a new life and new relationships.

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You all have incredibly valid points and I appreciate the insight. To be honest, I made a huge mistake knowing that she had a boyfriend and doing nothing about it. I was too caught up in my own head/depression to make the move of getting her back. I will forever regret it. She thought I had moved on several times because I would disappear at times, running from my problems. Like I said, I don't blame her. When she called me, she told me that they had secretly got engaged at city hall to keep him here in the country. Then I made another huge mistake and told her how I felt about her and all the regret I had... she didn't know I was serious about ever getting back together since it took me sooo long. That is why it seems she regrets her decision. She moved on because she thought I did, but now knows how I feel and I think regrets the position she's in. I feel back for telling her I still love her even though I know she just got married (only her immediate family knows about the marriage). We spoke on the phone and she kept saying she doesn't know what to do. I screwed up majorly and handled my depression wrong... now I am paying for it. Karma is a !

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This woman is now married. You should really try letting her live her life as she has chosen and not try to confuse her or screw up her marriage. If she wants to screw up her marriage then she will do that all by herself but it is not for you to cause waves. You should let her get on with her married life.

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I thinks she was just lying to you about her true feelings.. She only said she secretly married her boyfriend for his citizenship because she didn't want to tell you the truth.. Also, you really couldn't expect her to sit around and wait for you to get yourself together. That is unfair.. So, basically, she wasn't being honest in telling you that she moved on.. So, at this point, take this as a lesson learn and start moving on as well. She has made her choice.

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I need to clarify. She didn't say she only married him for him to be able to get his citizenship. They rushed from the engagement to city hall for him to get it. Noone except her parents know and they are still planning on having a proper wedding in July. She regrets the rush I believe and how it wasn't organic... and now to add me in the mix is a mess.

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Either way, she has made her choice.. No one held a gun to her head and told her to marry him.. She has been with this guy for a while. If she wanted to be with you, she would have broke it off with her bf and tried to work something out with you.. However, she decided to marry him and is giving you a sob story so she can continue to have you in her life..She wanted her boyfriend (now Husband) more than you.. She valued what she has with her husband more than what she had with you.. In a way, she just played with your emotions. Instead of telling you she couldn't wait for you after you left her (which she had every right to do) she opted for leading you on.. Don't fall for what she is telling you because she is lying..Sorry, but just learn the lesson and move on..

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I think in the long run, you will look back on this as something you had to go through to get your own happy ending. Let this be. You only know what she tells you. And she is with him now. That hurts like hell but it's a clean break... She is with him now and you need to focus on yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You did what you did at the time that you thought was right. Stop telling yourself she is your soulmate. Focus on reality... You are working on yourself and that is good... Still be the man you want to be and open yourself up (eventually) to new people.

 

This happened not because of anything you did. The universe is telling you-- she is not your soul mate and you are not meant to be with her right now. Give them space and time to be what they are going to be. She made her choice....pick up your pride and know better things wait for you....

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She didn't know I was an option. She chose second best. I'll just have to live with that the rest of my life, and so will she...

 

No, she knew you were pinning for her.. She just decided to be with her bf.. It's best that you try to move on from this and strive not to come up with such scenarios because it will do you more harm than good in the long run..

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I think you didn't want her bad enough or were just not ready to settle down. If you had any inkling he was going to propose, you could have told her right then and there that you were planning on waiting til he left to state your feelings and let it all out in the open. I also think that it was wrong to hang out with her while she was in a relationship. I think now your duty is to cut contact with her. She made her choice. She is a married woman now. Stop calling. Stop meeting. Stop emailing her. If she calls, ignore her. If she calls a lot, reply that she is now a married woman and it is not right for you to interfer or to contact her knowing that you have feelings for her. DO NOT lead her into an affair. Move on and be that "better man" for a new woman in time when you heal.

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She didn't know I was an option. She chose second best. I'll just have to live with that the rest of my life, and so will she...

I think its arrogant to think she'd wait you out without even telling her that was your plan (but I also don't think it was your plan until it wasn't an option anymore) and also super arrogant to call her husband "second best". You assume she would have picked you if you had confessed your feelings. What you really did was just f up her mind and marriage so that you could get the ego stroke of considering yourself "her first choice".

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