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Do we really want to recover ?


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Do we *really* want to recover ?

 

The pain and the guilt and the what-could-have-been's and the hopelessness, all of those are so familiar for so long. Like they said in the movie 'Wwingers', the pain becomes something to hold on to and I'm realizing, that's so true.

 

So, If I have to be brutally honest with myself, I'm not sure if I want to recover anymore. I did want to after the breakup but I was still in denial then.

 

Now, because recovery will inevitably result in more pain..in putting myself out there, facing rejections and horrible people for years again, until I find the right one...that isn't something I want to really go through again. So I'm happier in my misery than to face an entirely new set of miseries in the future.

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I wouldn't say that I don't want to recover. I want to recover magically, without having to go through the pain and suffering. Like if I could go to sleep and wake up a year later or with my memory of the ex erased, sure, I'd like to recover. What I don't want to deal with is the day to day pain, anxiety, missing the person, regret, doubt, constant thought about the ex, the guilt, the fear, etc.

 

I am having a terribly difficult time letting go. It's like, I don't want to let go. I want to hang on and fight (for what? I don't know. There doesn't seem to be anything left and I feel hopeless at the same time).

 

I also fear about the future, about putting myself out there again, going through the whole process, only to be (possibly) heartbroken by somebody else, or go through some other agony of sorts. I guess I don't want to seem too pessimistic.

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I have moments when I see that I'm starting to forget about my ex, and I panic because I feel like I'm forgetting him.

So I secretly wish for more pain, because maybe more pain will bring him back to me. Or I feel guilt for moving on too quickly.

But ultimately, pain is self destructive. And you realize you can't live your life pining after a person who would've come back if they had cared enough.

You can't wait forever.

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Personally, I am looking forward to the day I am 100% recovered. I do not want to hang on to the pain of the past because I am too frightened of what the future may hold. The future is where my complete happiness lies.

 

The doesn't mean to say, however, that I will be ready to date or put myself out there for a long time to come.

 

The point of recovering is that you don't put yourself into vulnerable situations until you are fully recovered. I am well on my path of recovery - but I can still have the odd wobble here and there. I am in a happier place overall but I am by no means at the end of my journey so putting myself out there will only cause me more pain at this moment in time and set me back.

 

The dating world can be a tough world. In fact it can be brutal (probably worse for men, if I am allowed to make such a judgement). Therefore it is something you shouldn't even contemplate until you 100% recovered and can handle being "out there".

 

Being fully healed and with the right frame of mind it can be approached with a more positive attitude. Instead of it being about facing "rejections and horrible people for years again, until I find the right one", it can be just something you are doing to help yourself meet people, test the waters and start living again. Try not to view it as "trying to find the one". That makes it sound as though you are on a mission to fill your ex's shoes when really you should try to enjoy being single for a while because you are in a happy place and ready to face the world and it's offerings.

 

Until you are ready to do so - DON'T do it. DON'T even think about it and don't make your recovery about "finding the right one" (or another one I SHOULD say!). Recovery should be about getting yourself to a happy and healthy place BEFORE dating.

 

I do understand what you are saying though. Because we are still emotionally attached, the thought of NOT having them in our lives AT ALL is scarey - even if all that we have left are just thoughts and memories. So we think we need to hang on to those thoughts and memories. We seem to forget (maybe on purpose because we find it oddly comforting when we are wallowing in our own self-pity) that when we HAVE let go of them completely and are no longer emotionally attached, we will no longer worry about NOT having them or memories of them in our lives.

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My breakup is very recent and only day three of NC but I'm hopeful of the future. I know I want to recover but then today I went and looked him up even though I knew it would make me feel crushed again. So I think part of us wants not to recover. Yours is a good question. It is just when we decide to let go fully there this new emptiness. Maybe pain is more comfortable than facing this emptiness. I want to recover, I'm truly looking forward to the day when I dont care about him. He hurt me so much with his cruel breakup, I deserve to myself to recover sooner than later. I guess we really should focus on ourselves, love ourselves and then we will be feeling better.I hope we feel better soon. Best wishes

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I can understand what you are saying because there are time when I feel good and then I think about the past again and feel bad. It's like every time I feel better I feel as though it is fake and I force myself to think of the past. To be honest I hate that feeling. I hate feeling pain and anger. I hate being in this recovery.

 

But I can not wait for the day when I am fully healed. When I don't have to obsess over my ex. When I don't compare every girl I see to her. When I don't compare my life to hers. When I don't feel like I am not enough or that I am a failure.

 

I look forward to being healed, I look forward to seeing other people knowing full well that at a point I may get heartbroken again. But this recovery has taught me a lot and I am sure not to repeat the same mistakes. I rather get fully healed and get heartbroken again rather than get stuck in this misery. But maybe I say that now and when the time comes I won't look at it the same. Only time will tell.

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Wow, I can really relate to this post. I thought I was the only one thinking that maybe I don't want to fully recover. Thanks for posting this, jaded123.

 

It is a bit scary to fully let go. I think it's forcing us into the unknown, and sometimes that does scare me. Even though it's painful to keep thinking about the ex and the relationship, it maybe harder to fully move on and face what you don't know is going to happen.

 

I'm glad I am not alone in this way of thinking.

 

It's also scary for be to be alone. And I hate dating. I hate the whole process of it and I am not looking forward to doing it again, especially the dating games.

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someone ( I can't remember who , think it was mhowe)

 

once wrote on here to someone

 

its hard to finally let go even of the pain, because it still keeps you connected to them and once that is gone there is northing ....

 

you will be ready in your time

 

yeah, that was me.

 

Some people believe that the pain/angst keeps them connected. It just keeps them in pain.

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I understand Jaded,

Sounds lie you've put up a wall and can understand why. Rather be in this 'familiar' place of pain etc,, than to go it over & over again out there... That could be 'your' defence. Give it time.. maybe you'll change your mind once you do meet someone who catches your attention?

 

One day at a time..

tc

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