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Lies And More Lies... Relationship on Thin Ice!


MrAwkward

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Hi, I'm new on this site, and I'm seeking relationship advice - preferably from a woman.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and throughout our 6 years together we've had our share of ups and downs. We love each other, and we care a great deal for one another, but the problem is I can no longer trust her.

 

[Quick Back Story] We started dating my senior year in H.S. and have been together since. (I'm 23 btw) Being a dumb guy, and not wanting to be tied down so young, I cheated a few times early in our relationship. She has since forgave me and I have been faithful since. She on the other hand, according to her, has been faithful through our entire relationship. I also used to lie a lot, and act like a jerk towards her. Long story short I was an , and she stood by me while I grew up and matured.

 

My current problem is, she's constantly lying to me. We've spoken several times about it, and she still continues to lie. She usually lies about who she's hanging out with, leaving out certain details, and other miscellaneous things.

Being together for 6 years, I've grown to know her fairly well, and can tell when she is not being honest. Regardless of that, she still continues to lie! At first it wasn't a big deal, but it's becoming constant. She's very attractive, so I'm used to guys flirting with her when I'm not around, but I'm secure enough to not let it bother me. Since the lying, I'm beginning to become a little paranoid. I just don't understand her constant need to lie to me!

 

Should I be concerned? I know I've wronged her in the past, but do you think she might be cheating? Any advice would be helpful. This new territory for me, I've never had to question the fidelity of the person I'm with. Am I overreacting?

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You guys started young...you cheated. She accepted it...and also figures it is okay if she does...cause you did and she got past it.

 

All wrong. Too early, too young.

Both of you need to acknowledge that it wasn't working, isn't working and let go of teenage love.

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I don’t think it’s every being “paranoid” when someone is disturbed by the fact that their significant other is lying to them. A healthy relationship is ideally built on 3 foundations: love, trust and respect. Each element coincides with the others and can’t really stand on its own. So if one is lacking or is tainted in some way, it’ll for sure detrimentally affect the others.

 

Seeing that you have cheated already, even though you use the excuse of being dumb and young, it’s a possibility she could use that against you. Not that two wrongs make a right. People get past lying and infidelity and stay together but those things don’t make for a healthy relationship. Sure, you’re in a relationship and care about each other but what good does it do if you have a counterproductive bond?

 

Personally, I’m a fiercely loyal person and simply could not tolerate infidelity. Having never cheated on a partner, I demand their faithfulness. But that’s an interesting situation you are in: having been the unfaithful one in the past but now wanting that same loyalty you yourself have been imperfect in delivering. Almost seems as if what she’s doing now evens you two out. If she is, in fact cheating.

 

You don’t know that for sure, right? Just suspect it? Then again, there’s different forms of cheating. Physical and emotional. Lying and keeping things from your partner could be perceived by some as cheating. Selfish people lie. Not team players. You know from personal experience being a cheater yourself. People with their own agendas who do not have a true, pure concern for another person and their well-being, lie.

 

There’s disunity in the relationship. You can have a serious talk with her about it. Attempt to fix things but she has to come clean first. Both parties have to want the same thing. Maybe you two should go to couple’s counseling. If all else fails, you can always can the relationship. Just figure that this train has taken you as far as it will and it’s time to get off. All rides have an end. The lying could be an indicator the train tracks are ending…

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Thank you for the responses.. I really needed an outside perspective, most of my friends are giving me mixed responses.

 

I should also note that when we do speak about her lying, she comes accross very genuine and comes clean. As I mentioned in my previous post, she mostly lies about who she is hanging out with.. Which is usually her cousin - who is a very bad influence on her -, and a few other friends.. While I don't like some of her friends, I've never told her not hang out with them, I'd just like to know who she hangs out with. I've told her in the past that I don't like her hanging out with some of her friends, but I never told her that she couldn't...

 

Part of me wants to let go and move on, but another part of me wants to stay and work it out..

 

I should also mention that we're on two different trajectories in life.. I'm working on my masters, and she dropped out of St. Johns after 2 years and hasn't taken the initiative to go back. I'm constantly pushing her to go back, but defers to her sales job.

 

Ultimately, I want to be happy, and I won't stand for the lying. I've threatened to leave her recently if it didn't stop, and she says she will comply. Should I just cut bait now, or attempt to salvage what is left of my trust for her?

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If you stay you are basically telling her you're okay with her lying to you and it will probably continue. It sounds like you want to let go and move on. I'm guessing the part of you that wants to stay is the part that is scared of the pain of leaving or scared of change or the unknown...or some other fear. It can be painful and scary but honestly if you don't do it now, it'll probably happen eventually anyway. I say better now than later. Best wishes.

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"What's good for the goose is sauce for the gander", seems to be her thinking. She may not be cheating, but she sure is certainly mind-effing you with the lying. She may have felt the way you're feeling now when you were lying and cheating on her and really doesn't care that she's lying to you or that you have a problem with it--cheating has a way of making some good women turn vindictive and cold, such is the damage of the selfishness of cheating.

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Could it be she is lying because you are being controlling with her whether you admit it or not? Why exactly are you always giving her the 50 questions about who she was with, who was there, what they did, etc. She doesn't really owe a detailed report and there is a big difference between sharing voluntarily and being questioned. The questioning can lead to resentment, to resistance, to finally lying. You also say that you don't "prohibit", but do not approve. Depending on how strong your disapproval comes accross, could be another reason why. Unless she has been a compulsive liar all her life, chances there is something in your behavior and the dynamic between the two of you that's causing it. You are not an innocent bystander in this.

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Could it be she is lying because you are being controlling with her whether you admit it or not? Why exactly are you always giving her the 50 questions about who she was with, who was there, what they did, etc. She doesn't really owe a detailed report and there is a big difference between sharing voluntarily and being questioned. The questioning can lead to resentment, to resistance, to finally lying. You also say that you don't "prohibit", but do not approve. Depending on how strong your disapproval comes accross, could be another reason why. Unless she has been a compulsive liar all her life, chances there is something in your behavior and the dynamic between the two of you that's causing it. You are not an innocent bystander in this.

 

Thank you for responding. You raised an interesting point. While I don't think I'm controlling, she may feel that I am. I'll concede that I am not innocent in this, but does that excuse the lying? I question her mainly because of the people she hangs out with. They're influence on her isn't positive. We're getting older, and she's constantly talking about getting married and building a family but she hangs out with people who got her arrested one time, and holding her back from going back to college. I try not to put pressure on her, but I'd just like her to be honest.

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Thank you for responding. You raised an interesting point. While I don't think I'm controlling, she may feel that I am. I'll concede that I am not innocent in this, but does that excuse the lying? I question her mainly because of the people she hangs out with. They're influence on her isn't positive. We're getting older, and she's constantly talking about getting married and building a family but she hangs out with people who got her arrested one time, and holding her back from going back to college. I try not to put pressure on her, but I'd just like her to be honest.

 

Sounds like you have some big fundamental differences happening. The thing is that she is actively choosing these people. As the other poster said, nobody got her arrested except her and the choices she is making. She chose not to go to college, etc. You are trying to bring her up your level - don't hang out with bad people, don't do this and that. Even if you are not actively prohibiting, it's kind of turning into a father/child relationship, where you are trying to steer her into what you think is the right direction and she is sneaking around and lying about where she is or who she is with. The thing to understand is that she'd rather lie to you than change her ways or move away from bad people because that is who she is and those are the people connects with and relates to. You can either accept that or realize that you are no longer compatible and consider parting company. At the end of the day, you can't change or fix someone.

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I don't think she ever got over your cheating or acting like a to her. Women sometimes will say that they're over it and past it but it's not true. It takes a lot to move past infidelity, no matter how young you are. I think the way she is acting is her way of 'paying' you back. As juvenile as it sounds, that is what it seems. People do that. I think unless you sit down and really work out how you behaved in the past, and bring up to her that her behavior is not acceptable to you, you will live in a stale air of tension until something implodes.

 

You may not be compatible seeing as how your early adult years are the biggest for changing personally and you may have grown to a point where you just are not a good fit. But I would honestly have a heart to heart with her about it.

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