Dating for a couple of months and haven't heard from him after our last date/sex

[browneyedgirl36]

Lol. This guy is good - what a complete non sensible load of bull.

 

I agree. HE IS good -- very clever, turning it around on you to make you feel like you've done something wrong.

 

I have to wonder, though, why you are so upset over someone who said all that negative stuff about women? I would be so turned off by that; in fact, on my first date with my last ex, he used the "c" word when referring to an ex of his (his ex-wife, I think) and I was horrified and told him so. I had known him for a few years before our first date, though, so I knew he wasn't a misogynist (just still pretty bitter about his ex -- a red flag in itself, definitely).

 

I will say the same thing to you that I say to lots of women -- and men -- on here: Don't lower your standards out of a desire to find love. Know that you deserve better than a guy who makes rude comments about women and plays silly games.

[browneyedgirl36]

Guys that call women hoes generally don't respect or value them and it's not surprising he "kept it moving" after he got sex, especially with the added info that he generally thinks poorly of women and is selfish in bed. He got his and now he's done.

You deserve waaaay better.

 

Agreed. Why don't you think you deserve better?

[TheOutsider1]

Agreed. Why don't you think you deserve better?

 

Thank you all for the advice. I do deserve better, I just have to be more assertive on that. Sometimes i'm blinded because I don't think i've ever had better. All of my past dating/relationships were decent towards the beginning and after a month or two they show their real colors. So I try to make myself adapt to their "colors" holding on to the perspective that I had of them towards the beginning. He texted me this morning saying happy thanksgiving. I'm not sure why he did so but i'm not going to reply. I'm very disappointed by seeing his other side and you guys are right, I don't deserve that.

[faraday]

Thank you all for the advice. I do deserve better, I just have to be more assertive on that. Sometimes i'm blinded because I don't think i've ever had better. All of my past dating/relationships were decent towards the beginning and after a month or two they show their real colors. So I try to make myself adapt to their "colors" holding on to the perspective that I had of them towards the beginning. He texted me this morning saying happy thanksgiving. I'm not sure why he did so but i'm not going to reply. I'm very disappointed by seeing his other side and you guys are right, I don't deserve that.

 

From now on...don't sleep with someone until you get to know them better. I know you say you've been dating this guy a few months...but you've only had 4 dates. Wait until you know you've got the emotional hook: he's consistently calling you and setting up dates in advance, he's open about his life, he wants to involve you in his life....A great book? Get The Guy by Matthew Hussey. He has a chapter on the emotional hook...and it's freaking brilliant.

[TheOutsider1]

So I heard from him today, after not hearing from him for a week, since the last time he said happy thanks giving, which I didn't reply. Today he texted asking if he could at least have his shorts back, which I mentioned in my first post about him loaning them to me. I told him that with the amount of gas he's going to spend on driving to get them, he could buy another new pair of shorts. He took a while to reply, then he admitted that he really just wants to see me to apologize in person for how he acted last week and that he recognizes that he had no excuse to behave that way, that he's been feeling terrible about it for the past week. I told him that I forgive him if he truly means it and that he can come next week to get his shorts, he said thank you and that was the end of our conversation. I kind of felt that he wasn't just using me for sex and that there had to be another reason why he behaved that way. Him using me for sex didn't make sense to me. I know that he's too proud to admit and apologize and he hates feeling like he has to chase a girl. I think he expects the girl to chase him so I guess this is the reason behind all of this. I'm not sure what's going to happen now. I got into a deep depression and got sick because of it. I missed him that much but I am scared to take him back because of the pain I had to go through because of him, but I could be thinking ahead of myself. For all I know, his intentions are just to apologize but not to date again. I don't even know if he deserves another chance, I'm confused.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to examine why you got into a deep depression over a guy who was not your bf, who is a jerk about women, who you knew only a couple of months, and who ignored you. There is no relationship here. There is nothing to take back.

 

Do you have a hard time finding a man to date? Have you been feeling lonely or afraid that you would not get into a relationship? Because I think you are hurting more over the feeling of rejection than this guy.

[TheOutsider1]

I think you need to examine why you got into a deep depression over a guy who was not your bf, who is a jerk about women, who you knew only a couple of months, and who ignored you. There is no relationship here. There is nothing to take back.

 

Do you have a hard time finding a man to date? Have you been feeling lonely or afraid that you would not get into a relationship? Because I think you are hurting more over the feeling of rejection than this guy.

 

I have talked and dated many different guys before him, I've had my share of friends with benefits also and I want to settle down, he wants the same thing. Most guys that I have talked to, I lose interest VERY quickly because they are so immature, boring and they don't mentally stimulate me. With him, I was never bored, he isn't anywhere near as immature as the guys I've talked to and he has a different outlook on life (apart from the thinking negative about most women.) I'm guessing this has to do with his past. His mother was an abusive and drug addict/alcoholic. Well she still is but he moved away from her. We have things in common like being somewhat introverted, shy, serious, we understand each other about suffering from depression and anxiety, along with having a tough past, except he had it much worse, coming from foster homes. However it is a big deal that he's cold and too proud because I'm somewhat opposite in that area. There is also a strong chemistry that I hardly ever feel with anyone. I know 2-3 months isn't long enough to really get to know a person, but for me this is kind of a big deal because with previous guys, the talking only lasted about a month or less, either they lost interest or I lost interest, most, I lost the interest, they moved too quick and were clingy, it was a turn off. One of them asked me to move in with him on our 2nd date! and with this guy, he isn't clingy at all, he doesn't move too quick, doesn't expect me to be constantly talking to him, he isn't annoying, he's different. However, I'm still unsure if it's a good different but I surely appreciate that he isn't clingy and crazy and like I said, we have things in common and it's nice to share that with someone. I feel comfortable when I'm with him and he's told me that he gets a secure feeling around me, especially when we hold each other, and with previous others, I couldn't wait to go home. I rarely have things in common with other guys. They have always been complete opposites of myself and if there was chemistry, it died off way too quickly once they talked.

[lavenderdove]

OK, the second any guy calls women a 'hoe' it is time to walk away. Seriously, that is so derogatory and shows he has a serious problem with his attitudes towards women.

 

And he showed you some serious disrespect. And now it's been a week and he's horny again so he'll spout a few words to manipulate, come over and get his booty call, and be gone again.

 

Please don't fall for this. Men who disrespect and manipulate women NEVER make good partners. You haven't even gotten out of the gate yet with him and he's already trouble.

 

Men are not fixer upper projects. What you see is what you get. And if you don't like this kind of treatment, then don't stick around for more. You're already making one of the classic mistakes, making all kinds of excuses as to why he behaved the way he did (and hence why you should tolerate it). So he expects a girl to chase him? Why? Because he's Prince Charming and it is your job as a 'hoe' to fawn all over him? I think not!

 

Really, take a step back, and remind yourself you deserve to be treated with respect and not jerked around, nor should you listen to anyone who says things like all women are hoes. That would be like you announcing to him that all men are bastards and hence classifying him as one of them... really, he just basically called you and every other woman on the planet a hoe and as such not worthy of good treatment! That kind of talk is not acceptable from anyone, and shows that he has some serious issues with women and you don't want to sign up for that.

[Ms Darcy]

Ok girl. What you have presented is a "bad boy" who talks the talk but doesn't walk it. He is a little emotionally unavailable to you and that attracts you enough to ignore the red flags. All I can say is that chemistry does not a good partner make. He has shown you with his actions that this is not going anywhere.

[blueidealist24]

While I don't think he used you I don't think he's a nice guy. He says rude things and doesn't really care about other people's feelings, well, not enough anyhow IMO. He's just all into himself and what he wants, even if that bothers you. I don't think he's good relationship material. He could be if he works on whatever is making him so angry with women, but I don't think that'll happen overnight, and it sounds like he's proud of his beliefs (which don't really make sense.. a lot of women support themselves with non-manager jobs and get paid maternity leave that's enough to live on). If I was you I might see him again just to gage how things are, but if I felt at all used, I wouldn't sleep with him.

[greta96]

What happened here is that his ego resented the fact that you gave him the boot, instead of him doing so to you.

Therefore he will put his best act forward, because he knows it only takes a little effort for you to take him back, he will play a little bit longer with you then he will revert back to the jerky, insensitive, rude man that he is.

 

I've been through this more times than I can count. In time, you learn that what you have to do, to guard your heart, is not only not give such jerks more chances, but block them after the first time they show their true colors.

 

I know you'll give him another chance, despite everything anybody on a forum will advise you to do. I just hope you won't expect too much from him, because his character is the one he showed you from the beginning; what he'll be doing now is only an act meant to keep you hanging, give him more sex, until HE decides to discard you. I wish you'd re-read your previous posts and ask yourself why on earth would you even consider meeting up with a guy of his caliber. Just put his shorts in a bag in front of your door and make sure you're out and about when he comes, opening yourself to meeting someone who is actually decent and respects women.

[missmarple]

I think he expects the girl to chase him so I guess this is the reason behind all of this.

 

First of all, in my experience, do you know when guys expect girls to chase them? When they're not that interested in them. All you have to do is read around the forum and see the lengths men go to when they really want a woman.

Second, even if we assume that your guy is unique and the only guy in the world who really likes someone and still expects her to chase him even after they've slept together. Are you ok with that? Don't you think you deserve better?

You can find 100 excuses for his behaviour. He likes to be chased, he's lived a rough life, he grew up in foster homes etc etc..but the fact remains..this is a guy who slept with you and disappeared until you contacted him and all he had to say was that his life doesn't revolve around one person. Don't fall for his lines just because he apologized a week later.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you've talked yourself into giving this guy another chance because you are lonely and/or thinking you won't find the "right" guy to settle down with.

 

Any guy who makes rude comments about women, sleeps with a woman and then doesn't contact her (except for a crappy "Happy Thanksgiving" text, which takes two seconds to send and was probably a mass text anyway), isn't good relationship material. And, the bit about "my life doesn't revolve around one person." YUCK.

 

Again, I ask you: Why don't you think you deserve better?

[TheOutsider1]

I think you've talked yourself into giving this guy another chance because you are lonely and/or thinking you won't find the "right" guy to settle down with.

 

Any guy who makes rude comments about women, sleeps with a woman and then doesn't contact her (except for a crappy "Happy Thanksgiving" text, which takes two seconds to send and was probably a mass text anyway), isn't good relationship material. And, the bit about "my life doesn't revolve around one person." YUCK.

 

Again, I ask you: Why don't you think you deserve better?

 

The messages are actually sent through a texting app (Kik.) We have each others phone number but we prefer to use this app because it's faster, along with other benefits. I believe I did answer your question and thank you for the advice

[TheOutsider1]

Well after reading everything that you guys just said, I'm back in doubt again. I can never be assertive about anything but I know you guys are right and once again, I was starting to fall for his behavior. I actually haven't heard from him since we ended the conversation about when he could come get his shorts and I feel that his apology could have been better so now i'm not all that sure about it being a sincere apology. I don't want him to have an excuse to contact me because this confuses me more, so I think I will just mail him his shorts. I don't want to see him, plus he doesn't know where I live because I would go see him when ever we hung out, he didn't have a car then, so I don't want him knowing where I live. I might use my aunt's home address or my mom's p.o box.

[greta96]

This is the best thing you could do for yourself! If you do exactly this, you will save yourself a whole lot of headaches and heartaches. If he contacts you, regardless what he says in his text, just reply that you will have his shorts mailed out, and if he asks why not meet in person, say "sorry, I'm no longer interested". Then block/delete.

[TheOutsider1]

This is the best thing you could do for yourself! If you do exactly this, you will save yourself a whole lot of headaches and heartaches. If he contacts you, regardless what he says in his text, just reply that you will have his shorts mailed out, and if he asks why not meet in person, say "sorry, I'm no longer interested". Then block/delete.

 

Thank you guys for opening my eyes once again, lol. I hope I'm strong enough not to fall again.