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My boyfriend (31m) kissed another girl, has this made us stronger?


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First off, I [29F] have been a jealous, insecure, suspicious, controlling and snooping girlfriend for the past year. I know this behaviour is terrible and I'm working on fixing it. My boyfriend of one year has been patient but the snooping on his internet activity and his phone etc has led to some bad arguments. He is a good person, has never cheated on a girlfriend before and hasn't actually done anything up to now to justify my distrust. Until we had a big argument last week. He decided to go meet a friend, he smoked a joint and drank way too much - he rarely drinks to excess and never smokes. He was hurt and angry. His friend decided to go clubbing and my boyfriend went with him. He had not intended to even go out.

Anyway, while out and blind drunk he kissed a girl and took her number. I understand that my behaviour may have led to this, however he understands what he did was his fault too. He rang this girl several times in his way home but did not get through. Then he came home to our apartment.

He was very angry the next morning and I did what I do and snooped on his phone. I saw these calls. Initially he denied it and made up a lie, but It didn't add up and so he confessed. He didn't want to tell me because he loves me, didn't want to hurt me and was ashamed of his actions. Says that it is not something that will happen again, because if the relationship came to such a state again, we would break up before it could happen.

Funny thing is, it seems to have balanced us a bit. We are sort of even now. I've treated him terribly and he has kissed another girl. We both have to work hard to regain trust. He's so sorry for hurting me and I have realised that my actions have been pushing him away.

Since it happened - we have actually been getting along much better. He said: "I know it sounds weird - but I feel like what has happened has been for the best for us in a way". My anxiety has quelled a lot and I feel like there is more power balance. He has always wanted an equal relationship. I just didn't let hat happen.

What do you all think of forgiving a drunken kiss? The fact that he was ringing this girl hurt me more... But he says he has no recollection of it and has deleted her number. He promises it won't happen again. I feel less inclined to snoop since, because I realise that it was this behaviour that was causing him to be pushed away. He always says that he just wants me to be happy. There is a lot of love and friendship and physical attraction between us. He was even talking about getting a puppy and a general talk about engagement rings yesterday.

How do I let it go? Do you think I should let it go? If it's never happened before this one time, and he is remorseful... It's not like him to do this again?

tl;dr: Boyfriend kissed another girl while very drunk after big argument. Is it really making us stronger as a couple?? How to let go and what do you think?

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You feel closer to him because you feel less guilty about the snooping, because now you can tell yourself that you caught him, so obviously their was something to snoop about. This may make you feel better right now, but let me recap for you from another point of view:

 

You got in a fight with your boyfriend, so instead of staying to work things out, he took off to a friends house, smoked an illegal drug, drank too much, went to the bar and drank more, got a chicks phone number and kissed her, then on his way home to YOU while he was sober enough to know where home was and who it was with, he tried to call this chick to get laid. She didn't pick up, so *breather* he didn't f*** her. The next morning, he wakes up angry, so you snoop again, and you discover her phone number in his phone. He apologizes and claims that he doesn't have the number you just saw in his phone. You forgive him. He promises you puppies and rings, and laughs that you are closer now because he kissed another girl.

 

So, why are you ok with this? Because he is talking about puppies and rings? Because you feel guilty for snooping? Because he was drunk, so therefore he is not at fault for his actions?

 

I understand you feel closer now, but what happens next time you get in a fight and he leaves for a few hours? Will you be sitting at home going crazy thinking about him kissing another girl?

 

Before you put any ring on your finger or even take on the responsibility of a puppy, make sure you want to be with someone who gets drunk and high and then kisses and attempts to sleep with another girl. Especially after you shared a laugh at it this time, what's to stop him from going all the way next time? Take it from me, breaking up hurts a h*ll of a lot more after you tell everyone you are getting married and dream of your forever together. Be very careful before you take that step.

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You deserve more than this. Two wrongs do not make a right aka you snooping and then him cheating does not make it 'even'. What happens when, lets say for example, you do not have sex with him because you are not in the mood, will it be ok that he goes and finds another girl to satisfy his need because you did something 'wrong' to him?

 

Have you stopped your snooping? I guarantee you wont because he has proved to you that he cannot be trusted so now you will look to see if he has cheated again. If he slept with this girl would this be a different story? I bet he would of slept with her if she answered her phone.

 

And him kissing another girl hasn't made you stronger. If he goes and sleeps with another girl will that make you two invincible? Of course not because its not logical.

 

Dont you want to be with a guy who does not cheat on you?

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I've been there, had the constant snooping on me. alleging me of smelling of perfume etc and yeh it made me think that i may aswell do it if im gonna get accused of it......but I didnt, I thought that if this relationship is making me desire an affair then something is very wrong(I stuck with her for 20 years!...fool)I left her its the best thing i done. I think this snooping and believing id done wrong even for going out with my friends for a beer (obviously assuming i was playing around, at one point i thought wow she thinks im such a tart by her counts i must have slept with 50 women whilst with her, but i was faithful) led her to an affair as she convinced herself i was up to no good so why not join me.......this is how toxic things get.

so please take some time out for yourself so you can look into what makes your fear get hold of you so when you do meet a decent guy it goes well for you.

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Anyway, while out and blind drunk he kissed a girl and took her number. I understand that my behaviour may have led to this, however he understands what he did was his fault too. He rang this girl several times in his way home but did not get through. Then he came home to our apartment.

 

And what would he have done if she had answered her phone? I'll take a guess that he would have slept with her, but of course this was "not his intention." He's worming his way out of this by trying to sell you the drunk excuse. He knew exactly what he was doing, and no,this will not make you "stronger," but it will show you his true colors.

 

Please don't fool yourself, and accept this behaviour.

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Has it made you stronger? I don't know? Time will tell.

 

 

I would be weary of such an arrangement. yes of course this can be a turning point and somewhere you both start to grow, or this is just a temporary happy time when you both "have each other" again.

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