Need some advice

[logan]

Okay, here is a little background on my relationship.

 

We were together for 10 years, but not married or living together. She had a lot of issues that she took out on me. She always thought I was cheating and was always trying to catch me in a lie that wasnt there. She got mad at the simplest things like if I were reading a magazine and she looked at it and saw a girl in it or something she would get mad thinking the only reason I was reading it was because I wanted to look at the girl. I mean I think she has borderline personality disorder. I am an extremely passive person and would rather not acknowledge these things when it happened because after a bit she would be normal again and if I engaged with her in an argument it would last for much longer. So this is why we never moved forward. I hoped it would get better but it just got worse.

 

So back in the summer on June 20th I told her that if we were to make it in a marriage, we were engaged for 2 years, then we needed to figure out why she was like this and work on it through counseling or some other means. She basically told me she knew this would never go away and she just couldnt be the type of person that was ever comfortable enough with herself that she could trust someone not to cheat on her. She was my 2nd girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. So she said if I cant handle that then we cant be together. So even though it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life I said then we cant be together.

 

So flash forward 5 months and 6 days I am here posting.

 

We havent really stopped communicating. She texts me almost every day either telling me how horrible it is for me to have done this or how much she loves me and misses me and cant move on and does not want to. I always answer her even though she doesnt always continue the conversation.

 

I feel so guilty over breaking her heart.

 

She begs me to get back and she has been in therapy ever since. She admits to having an issue and is working on it. She promises if we get back it will be different.

 

Problem is she has said for 10 years that she will never get over this and she has also said she has tried so hard every day to get over this on her own and knows she can not get past it. So how can I believe she will change now.

 

Also, the reason I fell in love with her was because of her personality and her caring nature. She is beautiful but the physical attraction has gone for me. Whether or not it is because we been together so long or the fact that we never have sex, I dont know. She is extremely self conscious and does not enjoy sex because of it. She refuses to take her cloths off on the rare occasions we do have sex. Also, it hurts her a lot and we have to stop after a few minutes. We had sex maybe at most 5 times a year.

 

It got to the point that when we would lay together and just hold each other that I felt like she was more like a relative then a girlfriend. Like she was my cousin or something. I did not feel that spark anymore.

 

So, she was extremely jealous and untrusting and we lost the sexual attraction and even if that came back she cant have sex really.

 

My problem is I know I cant be with her because if we got back I would not be happy. I mean I would be happy because I miss her so much and want her in my life so I would feel better that she was around, but I wouldnt be romantically happy because I feel like she is more my best friend then my girlfriend and I dont think I could get my heart and mind back to a place where I fell romantically and sexually attracted to her again.

 

But I can not see myself with anyone else. I try and imagine being with another girl and I feel like I am doing something wrong, like cheating on my ex. Or I am like even if I was happy with someone knew I would feel terrible that I hurt my ex so bad.

 

Sometimes I want to get back with her just so HER pain goes away. I feel so bad because she is having a extremely hard time since the break up. She always contacts me and I feel so guilty. I mean I am enjoying my time alone because for years I felt like everything I did was to keep her happy and not get upset over little things. I always put her first and was always with her. Now that I am single I have more time to do things for myself like just walking on the beach or watching a movie I want to watch. But on the other hand I miss my best friend. But she made it clear we cant be friends. Which I understand, it is way to soon for that and I dont think it be a good idea because one of us would be hurt watching the other date.

 

I dont know, I just know we cant be together but at the same time I dont know how to not be with her. I want to call her all the time and talk or if I am having a bad day I want her to make it better, or when I get a text that she misses me and doesnt understand why we cant be together and then starts telling me how hard this is for her and how she doesnt think I ever loved her and this and that, all I want to do is make her feel better.

 

Even if she got her personality issues under control then there is still the attraction issue. I look at her like a cousin or something. I mean she beautiful but I just dont see her as someone I want to have sex with anymore. Also when we are having what she called snuggle time, I just felt like I was holding her and waiting for the time to pass until I could leave and go to my apartment and have time to myself. I wasnt enjoying it anymore. But if I was having a bad day all I wanted to do was hold her and have her make me feel better.

 

I dont know, I am just really confused. I want to get back to ease her pain and to also ease my pain in missing her and needing her when the bad days come. But on the other side I know I dont think of her anymore the way I should think about her. I mean she is the type of person you want to raise your children but she isnt the type you can go on adventures with and have passion with and have hot sex with, which is what I want.

 

Also, I know her personality issues arent going anywhere. She can fake like she is better for a while, but I know her and these things will always come back.

 

I just dont want to lose her in my life. She is a crutch to me now. She has been the center of my world for 10 years. My family is accross the country, I have limited friends that arent her friends as well (who have told me secretly they dont blame me because they saw how she treated me) and I did everything with her.

 

Just not having her is so hard. Also hearing how horrible she is doing hurts so bad. She loves me so much that I know I will never find someone to love me like that again.

 

What hurts the most is she has no idea why we broke up. Even though I explained it to her that night and she said if you cant handle it then you need to move on. I guess it was a bluff. But now she is like you must of never loved me to just leave. I just say it has nothing to do with love. The main reason we broke up was because of how she was toward me. The realization of attraction and all (even though I always knew about it) came after we were broken up. While we were together I knew how I felt but just couldnt see myself not with her, I mean 10 years is a long time.

 

I dont know what I am even asking on here. I just needed to vent. It has been 20 plus weeks and I feel worse now then I did then. When we first broke up I felt like I was released from prison and I had my whole future to enjoy life again. But now I am just depressed and missing my best friend. I mean I love her with my whole heart I just know it isnt the type of love that would keep me happy for the rest of my life.

 

I just can not deal with the pain she is in. I would rather be unhappy for the rest of my life if it meant she would be happy. But then I think that isnt fair to me. But what if this is as good as it gets? Maybe she is the best person for me. Maybe the spark, excitement, attraction and butterflies you get when you touch someone always goes away. Maybe she can change her outbursts for no reason. Maybe sex is something that I can live without. But maybe I can have all of these things and more with someone else. But I cant see myself ever being able to let go of her to be able to move onto someone else. I dont know if this even makes sense.

 

Sorry for the long post. Any advice or comments would be appreciated. I dont even know what i am asking. I just needed to vent. I am so confused in this limbo state I am in.

[jjkk]

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this, sounds awful. honestly it sounds like the rekindling the relationship is just asking for more pain, more of the same. I think the reason it's dragging on in such a painful way is because of the contact you have with her. While you are talking to her every day it keeps you connected to her and doesn't allow you to move on and heal. It sounds like you need to cut ties.

[Autumnleaves]

I think you need to stop all contact with her it's the only way you're going to be able to heal & move on. I know you feel right now that you'll never feel that way for someone else, it's understandable your not long out of a long term relationship, but you will, one day when you've fully healed. You can't be responsible for her pain or feelings, only your own and that's what you should be working on right now.

[logan]

I just don't know why it is so hard to let go.

 

I mean I want to be with her so bad but at the same time don't want to at all and know I won't ever be as happy as I should be.

 

How can I feel both ways? It is so confusing. I guess it is the whole 10 years things. Being with someone that long that has been your everything, to just let it go. Maybe that has something to do with it. I wish she would of ended it because then I would have no choice but to move on. The fact that I have the power to change things is making me constantly second guess myself.

[mhowe]

You don't have the power to change her or her mindset.

You need to break off contact with her before another 10 years goes by with neither of you fulfilled or happy.