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When to stop ?


thnk13

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Hello,

I am a 37 yr old single dad, trying to get back into the dating scene after focusing on raising my son for the last few years. I have found myself in a very strange situation.This has all taken place over a three and a half month period.

I ran into someone I have known for a few years but rarely talked to until we talked for a while at a party a few months back. As I left she asked for my number and proceeded to start txting that night. I asked her out a few days later. The following week after two dates we met at another gathering we talked about how we were both looking for something long term and how we felt about relationships and the basic type of info, near the end of the night she kissed me. We kept dating for a few more weeks, two to three dates a week. I wanted to take it slow because I felt it was important if it was gonna be long term. About a month in we slept together, and the next week I spent the night. She would txt me every morning and usually all day long. She would txt me good night and call me babe, basically in my mind we were moving forward at a regular pace. The txt slowed from her and sometimes I would get no response at all.I began to feel as though I was chasing and pushing, and like I was being put aside. She would say she was out with her friends and she didn't check her phone or she thought I was busy and didn't want to bother me. She would attend events or hang with people and not ask if I wanted to go. I became confused and kinda pissed. I confronted her and said that i wanted her to act interested and ask me to do things sometimes instead of me always chasing her. I explained that I didn't understand how i would hear from her all day and into the night and now sometimes I txt her and I dont her back for a hours. She said she though I was being mean and pointing out her faults and that some of my txt sounded mean and acusatory. She said sometimes she is busy or doenst check her phone. I explained that the sudden change was very strange to me and that I was confused and maybe we have different ideas about what a relationship is. We talked it out and went on.

Fast forward two weeks , we had a date planned , I picked her up and we went to the restaurant, while I drove she was making plans to do something with one of her friends after our date was over. I was a little pissed, we had dinner and went to one of her old hangouts, she ran into some of her old clients , we didnt speak until it was time to go. She was taking pics and exchanging phone numbers and laughing with them (all guys btw) and then we went home and I dropped her off. We had plans the next day to watch sports, and she gone to best friend Steves house to a party and couldnt make it. We had a date for the middle of the week; I called to ask her what time to meet and she said she forgot and she was out with an old friend (married guy) and she would not be available. She said I needed to remind her a day or two in advance because she is so busy. I just said ok and fig I would just take a breather. She txt the next night, I dont respond she sends another and then askes if Im ignoring her. I said no I was out with friends.

Friday rolls around, she sends a txt, again I dont respond and she askes if Im mad , I said no and we proceed t txt for an hour or so till she asks what Im doing tonight. I tell her I am going to a sporting event with my friend Lindsey, she says shes done and goodbye. I go out into the hal and call her, after a few min she tells me that Im to needy and I that I need to not expected txts all the time or a response if she is out with her friends. I am pretty surprised, but I am also a grown up. I start to realize she may have been right. She txts me after the conversation and says she is sorry and when she gets close to people she pushes them away. I listened to what she said and backed wayyyy off, I have not seen her in two weeks and my question is, when do I stop ?

I have a horrible feeling that meeting someone worth while who is not married or scared off by my teen age son may be impossible. If you read this whole thing, thanks. I tried to shorten it and have probably skipped some important points but I would really like to hear from people.

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IT sounds like she is a bit high maintenance and you became dependent on her texts, etc... It sounds like you both don't have the foundational values and morals to have a successful relationship, like you are looking for.

 

Don't worry about not finding someone, you will meet someone. You WON'T meet someone great if you stay with someone that discounts you as a lover... Regain you confidence and let the pieces fall into place. Avoid this woman like the plague.

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You stop now. She was not exclusive with you --- and frankly, she sounds like an attention wh0re. And clearly was is good for the goose, is not good for

the gander (sporting event w/ Lindsey)....nice touch by the way.

 

Keep looking. You will find someone and your son will be off at college in a few years.

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I think next time you meet someone - take it slower. With busy lives with kids, it is more normal to not date 3 times a week at first - to go out, get to know eachother and to not text morning noon and night. Put them in your schedule while you continue to hang out with friends and do the things with your kids and gradually increase the time you see them as you are getting to know them and deciding if they are someone you can be long term with. Anyone that I have to remind a few days in advance of our date is not worth having. Reminding someone of so and sos party is one thing but reminding that we will see eachother in general - I expect him to be looking forward to it!

 

I also think that you should give things a longer time before sleeping together. But that's just me.

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From your post, you do sound a bit out of practice with dating and keeping your expectations at a reasonable, non-clingy level when starting to see someone new. But that's normal - you simply need some time to adjust.

 

That said, her actions would have made ANY guy feel needy. She pulled you close at first, then did everything she could to push you away and feel jealous... and she admitted that's her M.O.

 

I'd let this one go, or at least put her on the back-burner as a 2nd choice while dating other women. She's afraid of commitment and you're not; you need to find someone who's on the same page.

 

And don't worry about being too old to date. I'm 43 and you can check my own dating journal if you need confirmation that prospects *are* out there for men over 35, even men with kids.

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She txts me after the conversation and says she is sorry and when she gets close to people she pushes them away. I listened to what she said and backed wayyyy off, I have not seen her in two weeks and my question is, when do I stop?

 

That's all you need to know. You want a relationship. She pushes people away when they get close. Stay away from her, you want different things. Frankly, she sounds very immature to me. How old is she?

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Hi thnk,

 

I really believe if she was properly interested in something serious she would return your calls and not keep you hanging.

 

Plus, you seem to have already had a bit of an argument / disagreement and you're not even properly going out yet. She seems all over the place and undecided in general. The 'my phone was off' excuse is definitely that - an excuse and a cop out for not returning your calls and texts.

 

In some respect, I think generally women want the man to chase them, but they don't expect to have a text message every few hours, even when you're getting to know someone and in that really intense honeymoon phase!

 

Everyones different I suppose, but the strong impression I get from everything you've mentioned is that she's really not bothered and she's taken you for a bit of a ride. I think it was also very rude of her to ignore you, especially when you took her out for dinner and she'd been hard to get in contact with in the first place.

 

When you meet someone and the sparks fly, you will definitely be able to tell when the feeling is mutual.

 

You did the right thing by discussing what she was looking for before jumping in, and I would stick to that mentality even if you find someone who you can't keep your hands off! Take it slow, keep an open mind - there are plenty of great women out there and I'm sure you'll find your match! I think you deserve better than this one!

 

Best of luck,

 

- Lolita

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I have been through this recently. The bottom line is she has lost interest in you for whatever reason. Believe me, there is nothing you can do to bring her back other than back way off as you have done. If she doesn't respond to that, then you have your answer.

 

I have committed to never investing time into someone that won't at least reciprocate in the same way. There are just too many people out there that can make you happy to limit yourself to one that you need to CONVINCE to spend time with you.

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