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A Quick Convo With the Ex


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My ex and I split after 4 years (of which the last two were very rocky) in October. It is just over one month since the split, and there was no contact on my part within the month. We did talk for the first time today, and we admitted that we missed each other a lot. OBVIOUSLY, missing each other DOES NOT mean that we want to get back together. We both hurt each other before the relationship ended, and he broke it off. I completely understand where he is coming from; even if you love the person, you'll be driven crazy if you don't trust them. So we are both trying to move on. If he did try and come back in the future (later on, when we've both had time to heal and process) I would be okay with that I think. But I am certainly not holding out hope for it. The convo made me realize that even though we miss each other, at least at this moment we are certainly not right for each other. And even though he'll remain in the back of my head for quite some time, it gets easier to accept that even if you love someone, the circumstances do not necessarily align in your favor; and we were very immature anyway.

 

I don't plan to have regular conversations with the guy, but I'm okay with checking in once and awhile. "Friendly, but not friends" as I would put it. But it was nice to hear from him and I feel as if it might have put us on the right page with not being angry with one another.

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I am glad you have accepted the break up and your incompatability for the moment.

And that the air is cleared.

 

But "checking in" once in a while is not a great idea. Because one of those times, he is gonna say "I met this great girl"...and you are gonna find a world

of hurt because you still harbor hope that at "some point in the future", he might come back.

 

It has only been a month, and your future is wide open. Do not anchor yourself to the past.

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Usually there's a rush that comes with contact, followed by a letdown later.

 

I agree you're only setting yourself up for pain if you attempt to stay in touch over the coming months. At some point, he WILL be with someone else and you won't want to hear that, despite what you're telling yourself now (while he's still single).

 

Also, think about what you're doing -- basically, by keeping that connection alive you're acting as his safety net, helping him to miss you LESS and get over you easier. What's the point of that? Every ex on the face of the planet will tell you they miss you, nothing new there. There's no upside for you in staying in contact -- it only makes it easier for him to move on, and more importantly it makes it much harder for you!

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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Sharky, I completely agree with that, and in fact it has happened in the past, so I'm trying to be careful. I don't particularly plan on checking in with him, I would rather stay with no initiated contact. I agree that it will be quite a lot of pain were I to find that out, which is why I don't want to stay in contact. But if he should contact me, I plan to remain civil and brief. I don't want to be anyone's safety net (I've made that mistake before and regretted it enormously). The one reason I'm glad that we spoke now is because I realized that I'd essentially been idolizing him over the past month while we haven't talked - making him into something better than he is. While he is a good person, he is far from perfect, and very human.

 

But I have no plans to stay in touch. I realize how difficult and painful that would be and how used I would feel, because I've been through it before.

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I don't want to do LC. I've done it before, and the results were as you said. What should I do if he does try to contact me? I am under the impression that he might. Is it rude to just ignore him, or should I remain brief? I don't want to be his safety net, but I am unsure of where to proceed from here.

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It's *rude* to break up. Don't worry about being mean or hurting his feelings. What matters most is YOU and your healing, feeling better and moving on.

 

How you go NC is by blocking him so he can't make contact in the first place, at least all EASY means of contact are blocked -- that means no email (change your address or block him), no phones or texts (change your number or block him) and of course block him on all social media sites you use.

 

The guide I sent the link for goes into how to go NC, but of course there are many experts on going NC here to share our experiences as well!

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