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Dealing with a break up and feel extremely needy.


HeartBrokn

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I broke up with my girlfriend after a 2.5 year relationship. It was a very good relationship and I was going to propose to her this fall. I loved her and felt incredible connected with her (more than any other girl in my life, to include my ex wife of ten years) and after three months of being broken up, it has been extremely difficult to get on with my life. More so because I still love her and me holding on to hope we will get back together.

 

We had a long distance relationship and she moved in with me this past summer for couple months. During her move in with me, I moved with the military to a new location and was starting in a new job. We had lot's of stress from both life situations and had less tolerance with one another. I felt that I needed more space and she saw that as me turning her away. Long story short, it came to a boil after we went to a counselor who was just awful and after dealing with some bs in a session, she pretty much egged me on to break up with her, which I ultimately did right in front of my ex. I helped her move few days later to a city where she is starting her PhD.

 

This was end of August and ever since we have hardly communicated. I follow her Tumblr and she posts a lot of stuff that indicates to me that she still feels the same way. I tried to reach out to her couple weeks ago and told her I missed her and she said I was still big part of her. I suggested we have an open relationship and see how that goes because I ultimately see her in my life in the long term. She said she needed some time to think it over but I haven't heard from her since.

 

I honestly don't know if I should move on at this point or keep my hopes alive. I have since started dating and have been out on few dates and have been intimate with few girls. I find myself extremely needy, and feel like I have an emotional diarrhea every time I meet a girl online. I have read a book on break ups and the biggest thing it stresses is having no contact and moving on with your life, but I feel that there might be some chance to rekindle what we had. After all I was the one that broke up with her and did the damage. I've tried to help myself by reading self improvement books (power of now) and it helps for a while but I seem to recess every time to my nostalgic past.

 

I guess my fear is that I move on emotionally and get over her and she comes back and I don't have the same feelings anymore. At the same time, I don't know how to effectively move on with this mind set dragging me behind.

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I think maybe doing nothing is best for you. You seem like you so desperately want to change your situation, its best maybe to embrace the growth you may being going through. You said that you needed space fromt he relationship and here is your chance, the self improvement books are great, but you need to come to terms with where you are with the present, be comfortable with being single, without pushing an open-relationship and without dating before you're ready.

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I think if you broke up, if you want to get back, you need to arrange some time to talk to her.

Open relationship was a bad idea. In a woman's mind it means: you want to sleep with her until you find someone better and dump her. She had you, she will not step down and get into an open relationship with you.

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I think maybe doing nothing is best for you. You seem like you so desperately want to change your situation, its best maybe to embrace the growth you may being going through. You said that you needed space fromt he relationship and here is your chance, the self improvement books are great, but you need to come to terms with where you are with the present, be comfortable with being single, without pushing an open-relationship and without dating before you're ready.

 

^^^Great point.

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When do you know you are ready to date? I do want to casually date. I know some people see it as a bad thing, but I am a human being and need closeness, and companionship with other girls. Is that even bad at my stage of a break up. I do however think, that because I am still in love with my ex, I attach to girls pretty quickly so I can have the same thing I had with my ex.

 

For example, I was in Vegas with some friends a week ago and met a great girl at the dance club. She came back with me to my place and we had sex. For the short duration I was with her and my interaction with her, not just sex but long conversations about each other I became very attached. We became Facebook friends and I've been trying to establish a on going conversation with her. She obviously probably senses that and does not respond as much as me.

 

Either way, it is very unsettling to be in my situation because there is a lot of uncertainty coppled with the fact that my dating experiences are suffering due to my one foot in my old relationship and one foot in the dating arena.

 

I also sort of relate my self-esteem and worth with being sexually successful. I know it's shallow but my friends do better and I feel that adds pressure to the whole situation.

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There is no 'ready to date' formula. But it sounds like maybe you're trying to compensate by finding feelings through other women to avoid being lonely by yourself. It might be best to try and find other ways to make yourself happy by doing things you enjoy rather than searching for fulfillment through others. I think in the longterm, you will be much happier.

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Personally, I knew I was ready to date someone after my last ex when I could think of being in a relationship with a specific person without feeling sad or wishing I was wish my ex instead, if your ex is still in your thoughts I really don't think you're ready, and anything right now would be a rebound

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Yeah that makes sense appies, I guess in some ways I've been here before once before after my long marriage broke apart. Except, I was never close to my ex wife like I was to my ex gf. She is really my equal. I just don't know if I should start working moving on in my mind. I think that is the biggest hurdle I am facing now. Throughout my dating I've met some great girls, but no connection like I had. Thanks for the advice appies, and Me82.

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I think you need to take a look at your actions. You had a wonderful girlfriend and you broke up with her because you needed space. You have this space now and instead of using it for a self-growth and fixing issues so that you can be in a position to be who SHE needs you to be, you offer her an open relationship and engage with other women because you are "a human being and need closeness, and companionship with other girls". To me it sounds like you are not not ready for commitment. Also, you are 34 and if you still need to compare yourself with friends then I think you have a lot of growing to do.

Life is about making decisions. If you want your ex, get your act together and cherish her. If you cannot do it, leave her alone instead of offering her crumbs and meanwhile using other people as replacement of her.

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Hi Heart

It takes 'time' to get over someone and dating etc won't take those feelings away....

Sometimes we just "HAVE' to take time out- for ourselves. Our wellbeing and our sanity. I feel you need to back off other women for a while and just work on you.

Sounds like you're suffering emotionally etc and are NOT near ready to move on right now.

It is actually a GOOD thing to take a break so you CAN deal with your heartbreak.

 

Take a good cpl of months, alone. So you can work on 'accepting' your loss. You've had 2 of them in the last few years. it's bound to take it's toll on you mentally/emotionally by now.

Loss is NEVER easy. You will go thru bouts of sadness, lonliness, denial, confusion etc... until you're over these losses.

 

So, you need to take some down time, I think. Learn to get over & accept your losses and to work on your strength and be 'happy' with yourself again.. and this takes time.

I'm on month 7- after a loss of 5 yr relation. This one did me in, big time! Because.. I love him. I do not feel like rushing into anything at this time, as i know how affected I am.

 

One day at a time.. take it easy

 

tc

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