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EX holding onto the last item and it's not even about the glasses anymore!


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I wanted to pose a question to those who have an opinion on enotalone. I haven't been here in a while and it's been around 7months since the BU. For the past few months I have been dealing with getting my grandmother's glasses and some books left behind. I was so focused on getting other things (via my friends) I had forgotten. So, after deliberation I contacted her and asked her to ship them giving her an address of my family and offered to pay for any costs.

 

Her response was mature and she said she knew exactly where they were and there are also some books etc. Do I want those and UPS would be cheapest etc....Didn't expect anything but an "Okay". I decided no on the books as they would be more cost and I can live without them, so I told her this. She said something odd which was "I'm not sure how to pack them, but will get to it in a couple of weeks" Fine, I said no hurry and I'm sure she will figure it out. She is very smart. In my mind I was thinking bubble wrap and news paper etc..but whatever, she didn't want them damaged. She also then wrote that our glasses were mixed from the same time period???...I simply said to split them or take some for herself not a big deal.

 

Things dragged on and there were some other exchanges and finally I told her I would suggest bubble wrap and plenty of it, but if she was concerned with mailing "perhaps down the road she might feel comfortable with another solution" ....that was my social que to her that maybe we could meet in person...which I thought was pretty obvious. I took a chance and she responded with "Am concerned about the glasses getting broken. Am confortable with another solution and the glasses are safe where they are. Let me know about your friends book I found too, if she wants it"

 

I was happy and awaited for her to be ready to get them to me. Two months went by and nothing. So, I sent a confirmation to make sure she was not waiting on me to come up with another solution...after all, maybe she didn't even get the social que , which seemed unlikely, but though it was vague I didn't feel flat out asking at that point wouldn't be considered as pressure.

 

Her response was, I was thinking when I came to town to visit we could make some kind of arrangements. Here's where things went south. I responded with asking her what she thought she might want the arrangements to look like. Her response avoided that questions and she came back with, "I dont' plan on coming anytime soon. Any hurry?"

 

At that point I had done enough of holding back. The topic in my 12 step group was asking for what you want and to speak your truth even if you do not get the answer you want. So, I wrote a very dignified and respectable letter offering to come and get the glasses out of her car if she was not comfortable with meeting in person. That I only expected her to send them in the first place and that I have been working hard at becoming a more positive than a negative. Finally, did she conceive of a renewed connection in the future or had she severed things for good...?

 

I got no response. This has been over a month ago. So, my support tells me she is not letting go of the glasses as a control. Some suggested because of feelings and not wanting to let me go, but my experienced counselor said it was a game and possibly passive/aggressive. She said Ups and Fed Ex will pack your things for you and she found it odd she didn't know what to do. This woman is 50 yrs old and astute. I thought it odd too that is why I believed she was taking some more time to process and wanted to meet at some point.

 

Therapist said I was making a lot of assumptions and wishful thinking. I wanted to see how things played out, but she said to tell her to mail them and end the game. This was about her and control not about wanting to see me. So, I did. I told her I made some wrong assumptions and about how UPS would pack the fragile items for her or I could come get them out of her car while she was working....whatever she wanted to do. Told her I wanted to wait for her to bring them, but her silence told me if she wanted me in her life she would place me there. Also, to please send me the balance on the credit card and it should be getting close to being paid off.

 

I also told her when I said "no hurry" I didn't know things would drag out for this long as it has been since the first of November since I asked for them. Did she mean to get them to me in the spring or summer? To please confirm so that I could pay the card off, get the glasses and wrap things up between us. She could let me know what she wanted to do.

 

It's only been a day, but after her last blow off I wonder if she will not respond. This is odd because she has never been this kind of person. I got all of my other things with no problems including a piece of mail from two years ago...everything! It was clear she wanted every part of me out of her home and life. So, why this issue and chaos around the glasses??

 

She has had ex lovers take from her and so I find it so hard to believe she would keep my granny's glasses especially since she was so open to getting them to me before. Someone suggested it was control but because of feelings (everyone has a differing opinion). He said this was the last connection and she is holding onto them because she knows they are important to me and I need to be prepared for her to want to connect in some way. Others are saying she doesn't care about me and it's just manipulation....that theory does not add up at all. It's not who I know and it's not even been her behavior post BU as we have both been very mature over the emailing and trying to get things taken care of.

 

My FEAR is that she is being mean and she is trying to punish me. I am still struggling over the loss and now must I have to face that she is not the person I was so close to for so long? She was so determined for me to get my stuff and exit (her words) you would thing this would be to her advantage. She told me no future and no friendship 7 months ago, so this would be the end of any need for contact. Isn't this her goal??? If I wanted someone out of my life I would be all over it big time!!!

 

If she does not respond then I may lose the glasses, but I don't know the balance of the card as it is in her name. She only let me use it for paying off a debt. I have been faithfully making payments into her account for months and she has been giving me the balance along the way when I ask for it. I will not continue to pay if she blows me off. NEVER would I imagine she would use my grandmothers things to play me. She knew how much my grandmother meant to me!

 

I accept my therapist opinion and am looking at the past months and she has not waivered not one ioda. No mention of anything but business and I too have kept it clean. I am not writing this with hope, but of confusion and pain.

 

People man. I know. It's only been a day, but I am sensing another blow off because in the past she has always been very punctual with her responses even post BU. I am truly powerless over this, but I don't know if I can handle another huge disappointment around her. Makes me sick inside.

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I wouldn't play that game any more. I'd just ask her to ship the glasses to you and be done with it. She can take them to a pack-and-ship place where they can pack them up if necessary. If she won't ship them, I would just consider letting go of the whole thing even if the glasses have value to you. It just doesn't seem worth it.

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Regardless of her behavior, you still need to make the payments on the credit card. I would just let her know that you still want the glasses, please send them UPS and send you the bill for that. Say you really want the glasses, so please carry out this plan and this is your last plea for the return of your grandmother's glasses. Then sit back and hope for the best. chi

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If she does not respond then I may lose the glasses, but I don't know the balance of the card as it is in her name. She only let me use it for paying off a debt. I have been faithfully making payments into her account for months and she has been giving me the balance along the way when I ask for it. I will not continue to pay if she blows me off. NEVER would I imagine she would use my grandmothers things to play me. She knew how much my grandmother meant to me!

 

is there any chance you have paid up now and she is keeping the glasses to milk you for more money

 

or

 

is she worried you wont pay what you owe and keeping something precious of yours is her security

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You may be looking into this, too much. Don't think of it necessarily as a 'play'. Just leave it be for a little bit.

YOU need to try and do other things... keep busy to move on and don't stress about 'her'.

If it's obvious that it's done now.. you need to try working on your own and taking care of YOU now.

 

Time to work on pushing forward, i'm sure you WILL get your things, vice versa and not keep on about this stuff.

I'm sure it'll happen and you will get your things back.

 

Maybe just be blunt- ask her WHEN she plans on sending your stuff. Ask for a month. Maybe mention you'd like it all back by Christmas- or end of December?

Expect a reply to that- and end it.

 

Best for you, I think. Stop meddling about this and just deal with it.

IF you two are ever going to meet up sometime again in life, it'll happen or it may not. Never any guarantee's.

Some ex's play games with 'wanting to stick around..just in case' and keep you on the back burner. That's nasty to do.

Again, we need to get away from that kind of play and totally disapear... for our own good.

Mentally & emotionally...Unless or until they ever SAY then want to get back together, the rest is just little nothings!

I'm dealing with that kind of crap too. I dont need it, while I am trying to 'heal', accept & get over him.

 

Gd luck tc

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Thank you for your responses. I have done exactly that which is to tell her exactly how to go about getting to me via ups or I can come and get them. I have asked for the balance and told her to please confirm on all this so I can get things wrapped up between us. I have been straight forward and respectful. I can't make her email me back. My point to that long story was that it makes no sense when we have been doing fine and all of the sudden she cuts me off. She is not this kind of person!!! She would never steal from me but I won't continue to put money into her account if I don't know the balance due....This is wrong behavior and she knows it! NEVER has she behaved like this and over the last step and quite honestly it is INFURIATING! I have respected all of her boundaries and given her the freedom she asked for. I expressed my feelings and now she cute me off??? Wow, I guess I am a real monster, huh. Sorry, but if she were going to be an azz around my things why wait until now? Ridiculous. I don't have a choice but to continue down my own path like I have been doing all along. Guess she can have the glasses and books that are worth nothing to her if it makes her feel better. Guess she can pay the credit card off too. Thought if there was nothing between us I could at least count on her integrity as a person which has always been solid ...in the past.

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I had left her with 12 months worth of blank checks when she broke up with me. Long story short I began just to put money direct into her account to make things easy as she is under a lot of stress and she forgets. Told her she could keep the checks if it gave her security...she said she had shredded them already and trusted I would pay the debt. She would never steal from me. We may not have a relationship but we know each other and have the same core values. That's why this is so distressing. Why now over some stuff? I know you don't know....just venting. Thx

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