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does the healing "counter" reset anytime there's contact with an ex?


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whenever there's contact with an ex, whether good or bad, does that reset the "counter" in healing?

 

what i mean by that, let's say you're trying to move on and it's been a few weeks since there's been any contact with an ex. then, let's say, you reach out to your ex, or vice versa, and they respond, whether it be good, or bad. is your healing time reset from that point on?

 

today, my ex sent me an email because she's reading my tumblr blog. i made one because i am dealing with overcoming anxiety, stress, and depression, along with this break up. i've made some posts referring to my ex on there, without mentioning any names. no one knows who i am talking about. i don't have many followers and my tumblr blog has no personal information about me on there, so you wouldn't know it's me unless i told you it was. i told my ex about my tumblr a while ago, and she had one too but took it down.

 

her email, and any correspondence that she has sent me in the past, is always anger-ridden. i responded in a calm, logical way but it just makes her more angry. i know i probably shouldn't respond, but i did anyway. it always ends up badly and this one was no different. there were several email exchanges with her getting more and more angry.

 

here's the thing, i'm really not that upset by this whole interaction. it just kind of confirms who my ex is: a selfish person who projects her issues and blames everyone for her problems.

 

the reason why i posted this is i was having a conversation with my friend about today's interaction with my ex and he said i have to start all over. i am not sure i agree with this.

 

what are your thoughts?

 

on a side note, my friend says she's not over me from the fact that she is responding to my emails and that she's checking out my tumblr. to be honest, i don't know if i buy that. she's the one who dumped me, who talks so much crap about me to this day, who blames me for everything, and who keeps on saying what an awful person i am and that the relationship was awful too. it's a lot of exaggeration and i figured that she would be so happy with her decision and happy without me. i don't know if she has another guy right now but i won't be surprised if she does. if so, good for her.

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Yes it does set one back. However I don't know that it always sets one back to Square One, occasionally it even helps push you past the point of being in contact with them as in "OMG, I have had ENOUGH already!" But that's rare. Your far better bet is to a) block her from all contact and b) stop responding to anything she says or does. Focus on yourself and be the stronger person by refusing to get down in the mud and wrestle whenever she wants to contact you and get you into an argument. Neither of you needs it, it won't resolve anything, and it leaves you feeling like you do right now.

 

I don't think it's so much as "now I have to start back from the beginning" as it is a "well, I learned something new today and I won't be trying that one again." Hopefully anyways.

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These are just my opinions and don't necessarily agree with the prevailing opinion on this forum.

 

The healing time varies from case to case and depends on a lot of factors, including the nature of the relationship, depth, closeness, intensity etc. and not just how long the relationship lasted. It also varies depending on what you do to heal and on your own psychological makeup. While there are general principles about healing that can be applied to any situation, the actual path to healing will vary from person to person and the time to heal will vary.

 

As far as contact causing a "reset" of the healing process, my own opinion is that the effect of contact can be variable. If it causes a renewal of false hope that the relationship could be restarted, then that's a setback, because the hope, even a tiny ray of hope, can keep you stuck and not move forward in the healing process. Only when your subconscious mind has given up all hope of the relationship do you truly heal from it. So renewing that hope through contact can keep you stuck in it. I don't necessarily agree that it sets you back to Day 1 of healing; I still think any gains you made during your healing period of no contact, such as improvements in yourself or refocusing on yourself, are still valid.

 

In some cases contact can actually push you forward through the healing process, if it allows you to lose hope or see things in a more realistic way. When I recently found out that they are planning to marry someone in a few months, that slammed the door on any last hope I had and though it was agonizingly painful, it did help me to let go some more. So I see that as a move forward rather than a setback. Having interaction or contact could be helpful if it demonstrates how far along you are in your healing process. And in some cases it can help you let go of feelings that you might still be sitting on otherwise. But any interaction or contact runs the risk of being very painful.

 

In your case, I would just use the information you have gotten through contact or interaction in a way that helps you with your healing process. But a big part of the healing process and the reason for "no contact" is to force your mind to refocus on you, instead of on them or on the relationship. So starting a regimen of strict no contact may be helpful for you.

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I'd say yes for sure. Though it depends entirely on how much you still care for the person. Your question seems to indicate you're doing well, in that you realise she's not good for you and she's acting childish.

I made the mistake of meeting my ex to give back her stuff. Worse idea ever. Made me feel 10 times worse seeing that shed moved on, and somehow blamed me for all her problems, now she is angry at me and she's the dumper. I think its an immature way of blaming someone else to.make them feel better.

So from very current experience I'd say cut her off. You can inform her politely but no contact for as long as it takes.for you not to care is probably best for both of you. I don't think no contact is childish, I tried keeping FB contact as if it was a maturer thing to do but it only makes the healing harder, and when you realise the person just doesn't care about you anymore then why maintain contact at all.

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It does most definitely. The pain lessens after some time though. I see myself getting "set back" in a snse that I start thinking of her more but it doesn't make me feel like I did the first month of the break up or anything. After you've lived your "new" life for a handful of months, you're really used to not knowing what she's doing or thinking about her so it comes more naturally.

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I hope you're either blocking her from reading your blog, or shutting it down entirely.

 

Every time you post something publicly online that your ex could conceivably see.... you're breaking No Contact. This is just like keeping your Facebook wall open to the public, leaving her ublocked, and posting there about your breakup.

 

This bit of contact came about because YOU left the door open.

 

So.... time to shut the door.

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Considering that you have talked to a friend and posted a thread...I would say that you've spent an awful lot.of time thinking about her today...so I'll go with"yes"...it.sets you back.

 

That's a fair assumption but I was talking to my friend because I thought she couldn't care less about me. I have no idea why she's interested in my tumblr blog. i assumed she had moved on, so it was more like "WTH? why is she even interested in anything I'm doing?".

 

I hope you're either blocking her from reading your blog, or shutting it down entirely.

 

Every time you post something publicly online that your ex could conceivably see.... you're breaking No Contact. This is just like keeping your Facebook wall open to the public, leaving her ublocked, and posting there about your breakup.

 

This bit of contact came about because YOU left the door open.

 

So.... time to shut the door.

 

Well, it's my right to keep that tumblr page on. no way to make it private. if she chooses to look at it, that's her problem. it's her choice.

 

again, i am confused. i don't think i have a set back but i really thought she has moved on and probably has someone else.

 

and she is always so angry and nasty in her emails to me.

 

if she emails again, i will ignore it but i highly doubt she will. unless she needs some sort of attention.

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Of course it's your right to do what you please that doesn't break the law.... but by blogging publicly about the breakup, knowing she has access to what you're writing, that's breaking No Contact and yeah, interfering with your healing. Now she's responding to what you've been posting and you're trying to read into this last exchange, what does it mean, why is she reading my blog, is she with someone new, etc etc

 

You seem pretty adamant about leaving the door open though, so..... this one's on you, not her.

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She may be looking at it to see what your saying about her. Either she is concerned you will say negative things about her, or she is looking for an ego boost. You too need to be careful that you are not trying to send her some hidden message by what you post. If it was me, I would not ever post on there again knowing she could read what I was feeling. You definitely at this point need to check your motives before writing about her with the knowledge you have now.

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Of course it's your right to do what you please that doesn't break the law.... but by blogging publicly about the breakup, knowing she has access to what you're writing, that's breaking No Contact and yeah, interfering with your healing. Now she's responding to what you've been posting and you're trying to read into this last exchange, what does it mean, why is she reading my blog, is she with someone new, etc etc

 

You seem pretty adamant about leaving the door open though, so..... this one's on you, not her.

 

She may be looking at it to see what your saying about her. Either she is concerned you will say negative things about her, or she is looking for an ego boost. You too need to be careful that you are not trying to send her some hidden message by what you post. If it was me, I would not ever post on there again knowing she could read what I was feeling. You definitely at this point need to check your motives before writing about her with the knowledge you have now.

 

There is no identifying information about her or me regarding what i put on there. she is the only one i know who knows about my tumblr blog. i started it shortly after the break up and we had been following each other on there for a while.

 

whatever i say, positive or negative about her - it's my way of coping with my progress in overcoming anxiety, stress, and the break up. again, if she doesn't like what she sees, she can simply not look. and i told her that in my email.

 

how is it me breaking no contact when i post anonymous things about me and/or the break up without informing her when it's her decision to look at it?

 

at any rate, i took your advice and blocked her IP address from where she was viewing. if she has the tumblr app on her smartphone, she can still see what i post. she just can't through a browser.

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It's breaking NC because you're posting about your breakup in a forum where you know she can see it.

 

You're being a tad defensive here, so I won't continue to repeat myself -- but as LNL has pointed out, your motives are highly questionable.

 

sorry, I don't mean to come accross being defensive.

 

my blog is sort of an online journal where i post inspirational quotes, or articles from other tumblr blogs, that deal with overcoming anxiety and gaining self esteem. only some of my posts are about my ex and my journey to heal and overcome this heartbreak. some of my followers have reblogged my posts and "liked" them, so i am helping others as well.

 

i'm not posting things about my ex just for her to see it. in fact, i didn't even know she was looking or even cared about me.

 

so, that's what my motive is.

 

like i mentioned above, i took everyone's advice and i blocked her IPs so she can't see my posts anymore.

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But she can still read your journal from her phone?

 

Given that she's already contacted you about your posts, I'd take a few months off. You might be helping a few others, but you're harming yourself by maintaining this artificial sense of connection to your ex.

 

i don't know if she has the app anymore or not. she deleted her tumblr profile and you can only use the app if you have an account. i have no idea if she created another one or not.

 

i could just delete mine and recreate another one where she wouldn't know the name.

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