Reasons for the break up?

[Michaelhenry]

This is my first post, but I've been reading the boards for quite a while. Was hoping someone could help me see sense with a situation that I've been going through.

 

So there was a girl that I liked who I was friends with from work and following on from her split from her bf of 2 years (which she instigated) we started to date.

 

We were not exclusive to begin with but after a month or so, I wanted that commitment as my feelings for her got stronger.

 

At the time, she wasn't in a place where she thought she could be in a relationship, which she said was because she wasn't expecting to get into anything so soon after her relationship with her ex and there were family issues we would have to deal with as we are from different religions.

 

I told her that I would have to take a step back (pretty much go low to no contact) as I had to detach myself from the situation, which she agreed to but she couldn't let go. She told me she hadn't got on with anyone as well as she did me, including her past bf's and friends.

 

Anyway she went on holiday & when she came back she said she had thought things through & wanted to commit to me but take things real slow. I knew that all the issues she had with us hadn't gone away and instead of giving it more time I decided to give it a go (foolish mistake, I should have gone with my gut feeling).

 

During the next month or so we had some really amazing dates, & whilst I was happy with her commitment, I just didn't think she was letting herself go. When we would be out and physically together I could feel her getting closer to me but then in the days that followed whilst we would still talk a lot, I could almost feel her withdrawing again.

 

About a month or so ago, she met up with her ex boyfriend (she told me she was going to do this) to give him closure. I felt she owed this to him as they had been together for so long, but it still made me feel uneasy. Anyway, I went a little bit cold with her as I was trying to decipher how I felt about everything and she noticed and called me out on it. I told her how I felt unsure as to where I stood or fitted into her life as I didn't think she was putting in as much to whatever we were ('committed' not yet in a 'relationship' apparently in her words) as I was. She told me that after meeting her ex she was confused and didn't know what she wanted and that it had evoked a lot of suppressed emotions. So at this point I told her I couldn't continue to go around in circles with her, I didn't want to be an option for her - she needed to figure out what she wants and I couldn't be in her life while she did that.

 

For the next 2 weeks I tried to create distance but she kept trying to reach out to me. She told me it was really hard for her to make the decision and that while I was the kind of guy she wanted to be with, she was scared to be in a relationship with me because of the above points she mentioned. After another week her contact became less and eventually she told me that she needed to be by herself (not go back to her ex), that she was ready to move on and when she with me it just didn't feel right and she had too many doubts. I said that I would we could overcome her issues, but she said that we probably could but maybe she just didn't want it enough.

 

I guess I'm looking to try and understand what's actually going through her mind. Whether she actually ever had any feelings for me, whether I was just a rebound or if she's genuinely confused. I know her final decision was tough because she seemed to be broken when I saw her - like it was one of the hardest decisions she had ever made. She left it by saying that she's really scared she's making a massive mistake and hopes she doesn't regret it.

 

Since then (4 weeks ago) I haven't heard anything else from her by way of message but I did bump into her twice. I haven't Messaged her because I don't think it will do any good. What do you all think? I think I need to move on, but I'm just having difficulty letting go as we just got on so well and it felt so right with her. Was it just a timing thing? Did I push her too hard? I felt I needed her to make a decision because I couldn't be stuck in limbo anymore.

[mhowe]

Sorry to say, but you were a rebound, and she is most likely back with the ex.

 

She just wasn't ready to date anyone --- this isn't on you.

[Notagoodninja]

It's OK I tried dating a couple guys this year & I realized I was a rebound for one of them too it didn't last & he started talking to his ex again. Nice huh? People are amazing actors and actresses.

If I was not over an ex there is no way I would be acting like I was into someone else!! So heartless!!

[Michaelhenry]

Yeah she said she didn't want to go back to him and that she just needed to be on her own but I guess she may not have wanted to admit the truth. If she is back with her ex then I don't really see that working out long term as they had 2 breaks before the split. Oh well, I guess I'm going to have to try my best to move on. Can't help but feel she's making a mistake and that she will regret it one day.

[Michaelhenry]

It's OK I tried dating a couple guys this year & I realized I was a rebound for one of them too it didn't last & he started talking to his ex again. Nice huh? People are amazing actors and actresses.

If I was not over an ex there is no way I would be acting like I was into someone else!! So heartless!!

 

Yeah I feel like she led me on a merry dance. When I'd try to cut contact she'd get borderline depressed. Why say some of the things she did to me if it wasn't true. The sad thing is I thought she was a friend. Clearly I was wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

To be honest with you, I don't think she was ever that into you. You are "the kind of guy she would want to be with?" Yikes. That's like saying she should feel attraction to you but doesn't. It was like you were a good friend, but when it moved towards romance she recoiled. Based on similar experiences, I think when she would physically withdraw it was lack of attraction to you/missing her ex.

 

I say that first and foremost that she was not into you. We all know the primary reason of course. Because of the ex. BUT given what you describe, I don't really think she would be interested in after she moved on. Seems like some lack of attraction and religious incompatibility.

 

You really need to trust your gut/use common sense next time. Don't date girls just out of a relationship. Doesn't matter if they say they are ready. Common sense and experience tells us all they are not.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah I feel like she led me on a merry dance. When I'd try to cut contact she'd get borderline depressed. Why say some of the things she did to me if it wasn't true. The sad thing is I thought she was a friend. Clearly I was wrong.

 

I think if you could keep it on a friendship level, this would be golden. Breakups are hard because you lose a lot of intimacy and often your closest friend. She wanted and needed a friend. You simply wanted more so it wasn't fair to you to keep it going.

 

I don't think she led you on though. I actually think she's been honest with what she has tried to do. It just didn't have the outcome that you wanted.

[Michaelhenry]

I think if you could keep it on a friendship level, this would be golden. Breakups are hard because you lose a lot of intimacy and often your closest friend. She wanted and needed a friend. You simply wanted more so it wasn't fair to you to keep it going.

 

I don't think she led you on though. I actually think she's been honest with what she has tried to do. It just didn't have the outcome that you wanted.

 

Thank you for your words Ms Darcy. I think I needed someone to tell me how it is. I know, I shouldn't have got involved with her in the first place. If she didn't have those feelings for me though, she must have been good at hiding it as she showed me a LOT of affection when we were together and I have a pretty good idea when girls are into me. You say that she was honest, but wouldn't it have all been easier if she said she only wanted friendship and didn't have feelings for me? Would have saved us both a lot of hassle and hurt.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you for your words Ms Darcy. I think I needed someone to tell me how it is. I know, I shouldn't have got involved with her in the first place. If she didn't have those feelings for me though, she must have been good at hiding it as she showed me a LOT of affection when we were together and I have a pretty good idea when girls are into me. You say that she was honest, but wouldn't it have all been easier if she said she only wanted friendship and didn't have feelings for me? Would have saved us both a lot of hassle and hurt.

 

She wanted to want more. And she told you that too.

 

Remember: affection and feelings are two different things. Think of it this way ... you can have sex, cuddle, and kiss someone an not want a relationship with them, not love them, not marry them. They are two different animals.

[Michaelhenry]

She wanted to want more. And she told you that too.

 

Remember: affection and feelings are two different things. Think of it this way ... you can have sex, cuddle, and kiss someone an not want a relationship with them, not love them, not marry them. They are two different animals.

 

Thank you for your insight Ms.Darcy I really appreciate your thoughts and comments and think you're right to an extent. I guess it's not nice to hear that I wasn't good enough for her, but I had to hear it. I'll try and move on from this as quick as I can and take this on board as an important lesson learned.

 

Thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

It's not that you are not good enough for her. it's that you are not right for her.

 

And she is not right for you as she cannot offer commitment.

[Michaelhenry]

She wanted to want more. And she told you that too.

 

Remember: affection and feelings are two different things. Think of it this way ... you can have sex, cuddle, and kiss someone an not want a relationship with them, not love them, not marry them. They are two different animals.

 

It's not that you are not good enough for her. it's that you are not right for her.

 

And she is not right for you as she cannot offer commitment.

 

Yeah, when we were together it felt so right and she told me it always felt when a date ended that it was never enough so I've tried to tell myself it was a timing thing and that if we had crossed paths when her head was in a better place it could have worked out but I guess she'd never be into me like that.

 

I never made the mistake of begging for anything, I only ever asked her to make up her mind as I couldn't deal with the uncertainly any longer. I haven't contacted her since she told me so at least I can walk away with my dignity intact. I miss her as a friend the most, but I know we can't go back to that - maybe one day in the future.

[Ms Darcy]

Glad you kept your dignity!

[Michaelhenry]

So after not hearing anything from her for 4 weeks, she text me last night saying that she's not been able to stop thinking about me, that she thinks she's made a mistake and has realised she wants to be with me.

 

I haven't responded to her message and to be honest after everything I am not sure how genuine she is. I can't go through this with her again. Is it best I just walk away?

[mhowe]

Yes ----- because you hadn't been in contact for 4 weeks, she is wondering if she still has you on the hook.

Don't you think if she really wanted to be with you she would have called....not texted.

 

She "thinks" she made a mistake. Really --- she doesn't "know" she made a mistake?

 

I see nothing genuine here....what I see is an ex who is worried you are finally done, and she is trying to get you back on the hook. Don't reply. If she really

is genunine, she will call or show up in person. That text was a fishing expedition --- don't rise to the bait.

[Michaelhenry]

Yes ----- because you hadn't been in contact for 4 weeks, she is wondering if she still has you on the hook.

Don't you think if she really wanted to be with you she would have called....not texted.

 

She "thinks" she made a mistake. Really --- she doesn't "know" she made a mistake?

 

I see nothing genuine here....what I see is an ex who is worried you are finally done, and she is trying to get you back on the hook. Don't reply. If she really

is genunine, she will call or show up in person. That text was a fishing expedition --- don't rise to the bait.

 

Yeah to be honest, I need time out from her anyway. I've been so caught up with the whole situation that I lost sight of what was going on.

 

I think it's time for some self reflection and for me to figure out what I really really want. Love shouldn't be this difficult and shouldn't hurt this much.