I've wanted my ex back - she was HORRIBLY cold but has changed - now what?

[aff219]

Hello all,

 

I've been on many other relationship forums in the last 4 months, but this is the first time I've posted here (I've been reading a lot though), so I'll try to give you a quick recap of what's been going on, I've been in a hell of a situation.

 

-me and my gf of 3 years broke up back in august. I was completely in love with her and wanted us to go the distance (as did she) but we began arguing in the last year of our relationship and she left.

-I tried everything (every stupid mistake) to fix things, from begging and pleading, to sending super romantic gifts to her job, to showing up at her place in a suit and tie (She lived 2 hours away due to college)

-this made her -explode- in anger on me. She became completely hostile. She wound up dating a new guy within 2 weeks of the breakup, and would lash out at me hard (Use him any chance she got to slap me accross the face "im -really- falling for this guy" etc), say shes -never- coming back, she hopes i -hate- her for being so mean, etc etc.

 

well, I did everything I could think of (granted looking back I see most of what I did was a mistake) and in an act of desperation, I wound up getting "coaching advice" from this website I found on google, link removed, he listened to my situation and gave me advice and I tried it, and it looks like somehow, magically, something good has come, but now I have no clue what to do with these results

 

I basically had to give up. I went no contact. The only reason she and I would associate was her contacting me about twice a month trying to meet up and give me the last of my stuff. I always avoided it because she was being so hostile, and she insisted her new bf would be coming since the beginning, and I just didn't wnt to deal with it. But with the advice I got, the next time she contacted me about it she was pretty hostile "so have you made up your mind yet" (I told her let me think about it last time) and I just said "yea, sure, i'll take it.", she asked if i'd be available X day, I said "yea, if not someone will be" and hung up with her.

 

Well, a couple days later she calls me again, asking if I want this or that along with the rest of the stuff, I said sure, then said bye, but quickly asked when shed be coming by (I didn't get a timeframe before), when she told me I told her I'll probably be gone and said she can drop the stuff off with my family member instead. She got upset about that saying she has barely spoken to my family and now she has to do it like this? so I said fine, drop it off in the driveway and txt me when youre gone, problem solved. She was still upset. So I asked if theres a -reason- she wants me to be there...and this is where things started changing:

 

-she told me she wants to talk to me

-she told me "I dont know I guess for closure"

-she told me "I see stuff and it reminds me of you and s with my head"

-she said she wont bring the new bf

 

I was surprised, she magically went from full on hatred and hostility to saying she wants to talk and admitted thinking about me. I agreed to meet her, but honestly had no real idea where this conversation would go....well, due day comes, she calls me and has to cancel due to various issues, so I offered to talk on the phone for now and we can finish up in person later and she agreed.

 

She hit me with a ton of bricks, I was baffled that she told me what she did. She admitted to still having feelings for me, to thinking about me, dreaming about me, missing me. BUT she didn't at all hint to coming back right now. "I'm not ruling out us in the future" as basically what she said. I matched her emotional stuff for tat, sharing one with her as she gave one to me. We wound up spending about 2 hours on the phone going back and fourth...which I think was a bit of a mistake on my part, but hey, its better than her telling me she hates me and never wants to think about me again.

 

So now, here I am. I want my ex back, she is with a new guy, is now admitting she misses me and thinks about me and thinks i'm "the one" still, but hasn't said shes coming back right away, basically stringing me along for later. What do I do? Was this just an ego boost for her? How do I handle it?

[Notagoodninja]

Gah honestly she doesn't want to be with you and you need to let it go.

I am saying this out of honesty, I've been dumped and my heart has been broken into smithereens but the worst break up by far I ever had was when I was younger and this guy broke my heart and I went running and chasing after him for YEARS literally for years. And it just ended in him hating my guts and marrying someone else. Even when that marriage failed it was not me he chased, it was other women again. He doesn't/didn't want me. It was so stupid of me to chase him all of those years.

Now I've had other failed relationships even up until recently and now I don't chase anyone. Follow the no contact rule.

Listen, your ex made her bed, now make her lie in it. It's an issue of self respect that is what it boils down to.

 

Now for me I think to myself, "how dare you treat me like crap and just dump me- fine, I am going to hit the gym full throttle- go hang with my awesome friends- focus on my career and dreams & be done with you and move on"

That is the healthy way to think. It is not healthy to pursue someone for so long that does not want you.

Besides, nobody likes to be rejected. Trust me I have spent probably solid months of my life crying myself to sleep at night or crying huddled in the shower tears running down my face because of some jerk dumping me. It's not healthy to remain in that state of rejection.

 

It's time to gather the self respect you have left from her hurting you, and dating someone else. Pick up what is left of your heart & give it to a woman that will respect it, love it, cherish it!

[Rosebud]

Unfortunately i think a lot of people on here will tell you that it was just an ego boost for her and she is being selfish because she's realised she had lost you completely (i.e. when you said you weren't going to be around to get your stuff and when you started being cold). Sounds as if she experienced a shock, didn't like it, felt her ego bruised and wanted to recover from it. Having said that, it could be less superficial than that if she really has been dreaming about you and missing you on a regular basis. But the fact she's just stringing you along with it is the part that makes me skeptical... it's like she's not sure and you want her to be sure.

 

You did play it well though and i think you redeemed yourself from the mistakes you made at the beginning of the break up. I think whatever happens you should be happy that at least youre on good terms at the moment.

[Notagoodninja]

Also just speaking from experience, not to be harsh on you but the truth shall set you free right?

 

WHY are you trying to get someone back that is in a relationship. That is SO WRONG. That is seriously bad karma, that is cheating. The universe really gives you back what you put out there. And it will bring up trust issues later, believe me. Stop talking to her if she has a boyfriend, stop making her do what you are doing because it's cheating- she is with another man. If she wants to talk to you, she should break up with him first, what you're doing will just bring you bad luck.

[Twidom]

My ex gave me the same thing. "I love you and I want to be with you but we just can't".

 

Move on buddy. MOVE. ON. She's not coming back to you.

[Dcgent]

She sounds immature and do you really want your stuff? Is there something that is irreplaceable? Seems like you are putting up with a lot of BS to go through the effort of getting some items. Everything is replaceable in my opinion and you could be moving on with your life and not putting up with the BS. I would advice that you move on without interaction. You guys will never be back together and if so, then she will have validation for acting like a toxic person in the future.

[Shainet]

I think your begging and chasing her pushed her into the other guy.

She's pulling you back in and being all confused with her feelings for you because you got cold on her. And she feels like she's losing her power on you.

And now you're talking to her again so she got her 'fix' and she'll stand by her decision again to leave you cause you're there for her.

I suggest you dont chase her anymore. Focus on yourself. As she said, she's not ruling you out in the future. So fix yourself first, let her see that you're okay without her.