Should I stay or should I go?

[Candy]

Hi there!

I just want some insight and advice really I have been with my current partner for almost 3 years. I love him to pieces, but over the years he has made ALOT of mistake, and last night he added to the list by kicking our bedroom door in during an argument.

 

The row started because I found a receipt with cigarettes on, he has lied to me about smoking before so of course I got upset. I have never liked him smoking, but always said that I can tolerate it more than him lting about smoking.

 

He is genuinly a nice person, but has a hell of a temperwhen he gets mad and has in the past screamed in my face, grabbed me (but never hit me), thrown my phone, hid my keys, thrown me out in the middle of the night and told me he has cheated on me. He is always very remorseful once the anger dies down, but also sems to think this is what most men arelike when they are angry and I shouldn't be so upset by it.

 

As I say I do not want to leave him, but should I? If I don't does anyone have any pointers on rebuilding trust and how to help him manage his anger?

 

Thank you! x

[Kendahke]

Are you saying you want to stick around and be lied to by a physically dangerous man who manipulates and intimidates you? Do you honestly think he's going to stop being who he is just because you stick around? You sticking around means that his behavior doesn't bother you enough for you to leave. So I'm left to wonder what it would take to pop you out of that situation? A trip to the hospital with broken ribs or a broken jaw? If a remorseful "sorry" is all it takes, then I shudder to think what your future with this guy holds.

 

To me, the answer is quite clear. If you want someone who lies, gets mad when busted out for his lies and screams at you, grabs you, throws your phone, hides your keys, kicks you out in the middle of the night and admits to cheating on you, then you have exactly who you want.

 

I think you're a smart enough girl to figure this one out, don't you?

[Iwouldbetheone]

To answer the question in the subject heading, you should definitely go.

 

NO GUY should treat his girlfriend like that.

[Candy]

Thank you for your reply. I understand your reaction, but these incidents are few and far between and seem to be built up over months of aggrivation. He feels it is due to my inability to let things go, which at times can be a problem for me. in a way I know that he has crossed this line far too many times, if it was a friend I would tell them to get the hell out! But my emotions are not allowing this, so despite my unhappiness I feel helpless.

[Ms Darcy]

You asked for our advice and we are giving it: you should go.

 

IF you want to make a bunch of excuses to stay, that is fine. It doesn't change the advice.

[ptw1972]

my instinct is you should leave, who knows where this could leave?

 

does he acknowledge he has anger issues?. Is he willing to seek professional help?

[mhowe]

He has anger management issues --- and is blaming the fact that you peck him to death on you. While the pecking isn't pretty, his explosions are not normal.

[StilettoHeels]

As I say I do not want to leave him, but should I? If I don't does anyone have any pointers on rebuilding trust and how to help him manage his anger?

 

Thank you! x

Rebuilding trust with respect to what - his cheating? Apparently he thinks it's perfectly fine because he obviously has no remorse for having done it. Big, fake crockodile tears don't count.

 

Or do you mean rebuilding trust after his childish temper tantrums where he breaks things, screams in your face, forcibly grabs you and holds you, throws you out into the street in the middle of the freakin' night, breaks your stuff - and then cries MORE big fake tears and tells you how 'sorry' he is WHILE he's justifying it with "most men act this way" ?

 

I would suppose he's right - if he's talking about men who are social misfits, are personality disordered, or are emotionally stunted and have the maturity of a 14 year old boy.

 

But he's full of crap if he's referring to well-adjusted, socially and emotionally mature adult men.

 

You know what? You'll know when enough's enough. And not one minute before - no matter what any of us suggest.

 

When you're tired of the crazy, you'll fold your hand and walk about from the table.

[SooSad33]

Sadly, IF he is like this and has been like this, since you've known him.. I dont think you can 'change' him at all. These are HIS issues. We often wish we can make someone change.. but we can't.

THEY need to and have to want to do it- like an alcaholic.

 

Here's a quote, i found via FB from Charles J. Orlando.....

> "If you are saying things to yourself like, "I need to help them." "I can save them." "If they really love me, they will change." "I am nothing without them"… you are exhibiting signs of co-dependency. Those statements are all red flags… for YOURSELF"

 

I think you shld really think on these facts & whether remaining with him is a good idea.. for your own health & stability.

 

tc

[Kendahke]

Thank you for your reply. I understand your reaction, but these incidents are few and far between and seem to be built up over months of aggrivation. He feels it is due to my inability to let things go, which at times can be a problem for me. in a way I know that he has crossed this line far too many times, if it was a friend I would tell them to get the hell out! But my emotions are not allowing this, so despite my unhappiness I feel helpless.

 

Then learn to let things go, keep your mouth shut and stay on your side of the line--know your place. Problem solved.

 

Don't confuse helpless with being responsibly lazy with yourself.