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Feeling like my relationship is one-sided?


samkumtob

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I don't really know how to title this but I'd love to hear some opinions and if what I'm thinking is rational?

 

I'll try to sum up my relationship, we started out as long distance seeing each other maybe every other month and holidays. We were in a LDR for 3 years and now he moved back home after college and it's been almost 2 years not in a LDR. We used to see each other almost every day, now sometimes every other day to maybe just a couple times a week depending on our schedules. We get along great. Rarely fight but we do have a couple bad days but we have some extremely good days.

 

Anyway, obviously in a LDR you don't see each other often, so when we do see each other we'll plan dates and something special since we'd have just a limited amount of time. I was happy for when he'd finally move back home so we could do normal couple things like I don't know get brunch, watch movies together, hiking, or amusement park. Now he moved near me for grad school so I knew he would be busy and didn't expect to do all these things at once but just once in awhile. Well, when he was back we rarely did anything the first few months, he was always studying or busy with something and I was understanding he needed to focus on grad school but it got to a point where it's like really you can't spare just one day out of the week to spend quality time with me? Not just seeing me and not having a quality connection or communication? I voiced my opinion and how I felt how I was disappointed we weren't doing other couple things and I was trying to be understanding but he was just so busy. He then explains he is sorry but I can't compare us to other couples, he has responsibilities because he's looking at the bigger picture of life to get a high paying job to take care of us in the future. But promised to spend more time with me because I was his number 1 priority. I felt bad and felt selfish I was just thinking of the fun things we weren't doing together. So I decided I'll just suck it up and be an understanding girlfriend, I could wait till the holidays or when he was free.

 

That was almost 2 years ago. Now today, I don't know why but I was just thinking of all the things we've done together since he's been back and I've realized everything was because I planned it and made an effort to plan out a day fun outing or made the suggestion to do something. Then it occurred to me he hasn't planned anything to do with me. It's all me. And when we do go out he'll complain he shouldn't be out, he has so much work to do. That's during the school time, but during the summer holiday, spring break...he still didn't take me anywhere or plan anything. I was thinking like no that can't be true I'm sure he took me somewhere and I decided to look at old pictures and remember the event and sure enough every single outing I had pictures for was something I bought tickets for or I planned out. I mean most of the time if we eat out he'll pay and drives most of the time but for most outings it's because I suggested doing it in the first place. Like I know people can be busy but for the last 2 years he hasn't really taken the time to plan a nice date out for me. I don't even remember our 4 year anniversary because I don't even think we did anything.

 

I know he loves me. But sometimes he asks me why I am with him? Like how did a guy like him get me. He feels sometimes it's a dream because he doesn't know why I'm with him. But then now I'm thinking, if he feels that way shouldn't he try harder to keep me? Since he's been back I've been giving him time alone to focus on his studies but it's like even though I see him I don't feel like we have a meaningful conversation and feel almost distant. I almost feel like I'm losing interest because he doesn't make me feel special anymore. I want him to plan a day trip and surprise me sometimes, not me taking him out. I don't know, is this selfish of me? I have brought up I want to go out with him but he'll make the excuses of he's busy or doesn't want to spend too much money right now. So how am I supposed to explain how I feel when this appears to be a reoccurring thing. If he's already like this in grad school, and plans on have a very demanding job in the future, how am I supposed to deal then? Another thing, he lives about 20 miles from me so it's not super close but close enough, I drive a lot. I need to commute to school then in the opposite direction for work so almost 100 miles in one day. Driving is tiring so I ask him to come to my house but he doesn't...he'll come maybe once a week at most! Whereas I go to his house maybe 3 times a week or more...I feel like that's really unfair. Like he feels like his time is more valuable than mine therefore he doesn't want to drive all the way to where I am even though he only drives probably at most 30 miles a week because he has work to do...

 

Is what I'm feeling normal? Or am I just being crazy and need to realize he's just really busy...I've actually taken on a part time job plus an internship and school to be as busy as him... If so or if not how should I handle the situation.

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From the way you've told it, you're focused on different things. You on your relationship, him on his career. That is not going to change. I'm sure he's doing it for you and I can see somewhat where he's coming from, him working so hard is probably his way of showing that he cares. I wouldn't make judgements or assumptions and take this as written though, you'd have to talk to him in depth to really know his motivations and feelings.

 

But it's clearly dissatisfying for you. You need him to show he cares by actually being there for you. It might just be that you're incompatible and by the sounds of it you have different long term goals.

 

The only way to ever deal with stuff like this is communication. Let him know that it's making you lose interest and that's not what you want. Allow him his time to state his side of things. Keep it calm and make sure the focus is on improving the relationship, not passing around blame. Hopefully he can understand where you're coming from, as from the sounds of it you've been understanding his side of things for years. Relationships need to be give and take.

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