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I opened up to this girl who already has a boyfriend.....


DontSayGoodbye

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Idk where to start, couple months ago I started talking to this girl in my writing class who caught my eye. We kept giving each other subtle signals, she would laugh at everything I said, fiddle with anything that was on her desk when I was next to her ect. I worked up the courage to speak with to her. I ended up getting her number and facebook and we agreed to be partners for a project that was coming up. Shortly after I had gotten her facebook, I found out she had a bf, I was bummed at first but thought maybe there's a chance. So I just kept moving forward. We have been talking to each other a lot as of late, I've walked her to her car almost every time we've talked with each other. Throughout the entire month that we have talked with each other our comfort level with each other has grown and our conversations as well. All our conversations have lasted about an 1 hour to almost 2 hours, at first we break the ice by talking about our project for the first 5 minutes than our conversations stray way and than all of a sudden we talk about each others lives for a whole hour, this has happened every time we have talked. Even though we've only known each other about a month, she has already helped me with big personal dilemmas and decisions in my life.

 

Two days ago was kind of the biggest conversation we had. We were going to meet in the campus library to finish up the project. The time arrives and surprisingly she calls me instead of texts me to ask where I'm at(we have never spoken on the phone until that moment, she usually just texts me). We meet up and she opts to sit outside at a table, just us, no one around, quiet nice cloudy weather. We immediately talk about our week and weekends than jump back to our project for a couple of minutes. Only to have my laptop die the first 5 minutes with each other. She has her laptops in her car but she doesn't want to get them. She didn't seem interested in getting them even after I offered to carry them. Seemed like she just wanted to talk about each other and not the project. For almost 2 hours we talk, but about things a lot more personal. She begins to share some very personal topics with me, she tells me about a personal dream she had, we talked about death, our beliefs, our future and who we are.

 

I guess I got too comfortable because I than began to really open up to her. I showed her the real me, who I am, what I've been through, what I'm striving for, ALMOST everything personal about myself. Her eyes locked on mine, it was like peering in each others soul. Its funny, we're both extremely similar to each other, it's like looking in a mirror. From our beliefs to our personalities to who we are, we're both so very similar. I regret it in away, only two people know who I truly am, both of my best friends who I've had by my side for as long as I can remember, I consider them more than brothers. I guess that makes her the third person that knows who I am. It was late, time flew by talking with each other, she said maybe more people should get to know the real me, and that if nobody can accept the real me, they don't deserve to be in my life.

 

I honestly regret what I did, she has a boyfriend. I don't know if I want to intrude in that now honestly. I opened myself up to a girl who might not even become my girlfriend. The more we talked, the more I began to fall for her, I could feel a connection with her, I felt right with her, the more she got comfortable with me the more she told me about herself, our connection grew in away and I felt like I finally had left an imprint after I opened up to her.

 

My question is, should I give up on her? She has a boyfriend and the patience is starting to eat at me. I honestly cannot see past her though, she's all I see but idk if I'm all she sees. The semester is almost over and I don't want her to just walk out of my life especially after I had opened up to her, but I don't know how I'll be able to spend time with her without a class since she has a bf. Honestly I feel like a sucker.....Your thoughts on my situation and what to do?

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You are headed down a slippery slope, my friend. Trust me when I say that you dont want to continue to get close to her.

 

My advice is to let her know how you feel. Many on ENA will disagree with me but I think that it's OK to give her a choice so long as you don't sneak around for months and months waiting for an opportunity to "strike". Most likely, however, she will remind you that she has a bf and that youre just friends. At that point, you have to back away because you will only hurt yourself. If you continue to remain in close contact with her, you'll try to convince yourself that youre fine being friends but that's a lie. Instead, you will analyze each and every one of her words and actions for hidden meaning in order to convince yourself that she has feelings. Naturally, this does not end up well.

 

Trust me, I know from experience:

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Basically you knew that you crossed the line of respecting her relationship, and I have to agree with this. There are some conversations to have that are appropriate and inappropriate to have with someone who is in a relationship. If you had a girlfriend, would you want her to interact the way this girl did with you toward a single man?

 

If you are "falling" for her, then by all means you are not interested in maintaining a friendship with her and expect more.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "giving up on her." Since you both are working on a school project, that should be your only focus right now.

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This is a complicated situation and the way you talked about "opening up to her" initially made me think that your story was going to end with you telling her how you really felt about her. Now that I see what you meant by that, I can see that perhaps (and forgive me if I'm wrong about this, because I hate to make assumptions about others whom I dont know) you're really shy when it comes to showing people things about yourself. Maybe you do this by choice, maybe not. I'm somewhat the same way and wish it were easier to break that mold. That's why it can feel frustrating if you do find someone you connect with. Your mind and heart want to look past the obvious barriers (if they're in a relationship) and try to see a way for it to work, but I'm afraid I agree with the other posters.

 

It seems like when she was telling you that more people should give "the real you" a chance, that was a sincere compliment so you should take it for what it was but no more than that. She may have even be encouraging you in a way, if you're shy around women, to gain confidence to find someone right for you. She may not feel the same way you do about her but that doesnt by any means degrade you or lessen you. I know it can be hard to hear that, but in time it will make sense. Two of my close friends are females, one of whom I had feelings for and things got awkward but we are friends now (well... that situation has gotten complicated too, but more because she's changed so much as a person) so it is possible to maintain a connection with someone and not have it get tied up in wanting to be more than friends.

 

But not right now... and I'm not sure if there is a good time to "let her go" in terms of thinking about her. As weird as this sounds, and it may not be the satisfying answer, these things usually find a way to shake themselves out. If you don't take action and tell her the truth, she could find out some other way or you may experience a change of heart, or many different scenarios could happen is what I'm saying and while you may be confused, conflicted and full of emotion right now (which is perfectly okay, btw, I think its healthy to have these kind of doubts and not just impulsively act), just the natural passage of time will ease these things. You may learn things about her that you don't like (one way or another) or just from not having the same class as her anymore, you may fall out of contact and if thats whats supposed to happen, thats what should happen.

 

I take kind of a middle road when it comes to these situations. What I mean is, the human instinct in something like this is to either "turn and run" because you don't want to be let down or "go for it all" and tell her and try something silly if her relationship breaks up or even if not. I think its not necessary to do either, if only because you'd be doing it out of emotion. You can't just vanish out of the blue on her. I mean you can, and feel free to explain it to her, it's certainly your right. But realistically, to me anyway, a good friend is more valuable IN THE LONG RUN than a short term relationship (which maybe could be long term, but again you dont know). In the short run, it'll hurt but I do recommend keeping your distance while not completely fading away. If it sounds like I'm going back and forth a lot, I guess I am, only because I'm tryingto avoid either extreme of "tell her your feelings" or "just stop talking to her". I think if you've already shared this much and she has as well, there's no harm in letting things play out, but don't let that limit you and as the previous poster mentioned, focus on your schoolwork and other important things.

 

As someone who's been through similiar things with a few different people, I can tell you, it will work out. It may not work out in the way you see it today but in a couple weeks, months or even sooner than that, you'll feel more at ease and there will be an outcome.

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Wow- your expressions are deep. Well said.

 

I'd at least work on keeping her as a good friend. Will that still affect you with fact she's already involved. But like you said.. you opened up to her, that's okay.. I think.

You do think it'll be too much- if you're getting these feelings? Then give them some space. You have to remember not to cross that line.. respect.

 

But I agree with the others in aspect with IF you're feeling more- maybe you can't just be 'friends', after project?

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IMO friendships don't work if one of the two has feelings for the other person and it is unrequited. It's just gonna eat you up inside. I'd back off and slowly try to cut her out of your life without saying anything. If you find out she broke up (does she have a relationship status on facebook?), then perhaps strike it up again.

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