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The disappointment and giving up is the worst part


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All the energy, effort, time, and love you put into the relationship and the future you envisioned, all comes crashing down and you have to accept the fact that those visions will never be actualized, or maybe, you were the only one having them, and the other person never shared them, is so heartbreaking. That, to me, is the hardest part.

 

For so long, I didn't want to stop and face the truth. I tried the best I could. But I've come to realize that sometimes it doesn't matter how hard YOU try or how much YOU want it to work, you need to have found an appropriate partner to begin with. You need to have a partner who can work with you, and who is willing to, and who wants to. We've broken up, reconciled, and vowed to make it work better this time, but it never did. I never saw the change that I need to see to keep me going. It's like dating an alcoholic (which I wasn't, but just as an example), it doesn't matter how much love and patience and work you devote to the relationship, if they refuse to stop drinking for themselves, it won't matter much what you do. And I guess I've finally realized that now, so I stopped trying. If I stop trying, there's no one else trying in this relationship. So that's the end.

 

I accept it now. I know it's not going to work. But I'm still so sad and disappointed. I wanted so much for it to work out. I really did. In the end, I still have to give up on it. I have to give up on the person I love.

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I know how you feel. We want so much for those wonderful beginnings to be happy endings, but that takes two. Walking away from someone you love isn't really giving up anything. You are only giving up the opportunity for them to make it harder or worse for you emotionally. Sometimes walking away is what finally gets them to wise up. Sometimes.

 

It's good that your accept it, it's the beginning to healing that will make you stronger and better than before. Have hope, but don't let it rule your life or your future. It's okay to grieve. Love yourself first. Other's will eventually follow.

 

Sometimes we all have to let go of the ones we love. That doesn't mean that we still cannot love them from afar or in the silence of our hearts. When you love someone enough, you can let them go. It's hard... But no one ever said love was easy.

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Love is such a powerful thing. You invest your very soul into another person in the hopes of matching it with someone else's and when it doesn't work out, the pain and hurt left in the void is like no other pain. But we do and will come out stronger on the other end. Remember that lovers come in and go out of your life for a reason, they all mean something, our first loves, our great loves, the bad ones, and the hurtful ones...all there to teach us something and if there is a grace to the pain it's knowing you gave your all and you each carry with you a part o that person. And one day the search will stop you meet someone that you never thought was possible and you take each other to places you never thought possible. I'm waiting for the latter myself. But it's exciting to know that right this very mont sh is out there somewhere

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This could be my story. I too have given it everything I have and I have accepted that it's not enough. I gave my wife 16 years of my life, but in the end it wasn't enough for her. I will always have love for her, we had 3 beautiful kids together. We remain great friends but in the end I have to let her go.

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Thank you for your replies.

 

I know my relationship is broken. Our fights are frequent and nothing ever changes. I'm not angry and I don't blame him anymore. I know we have both done wrong. I used to read a lot of books and articles and websites trying to fix my relationship. I read about codependency, anxious/secure relationships, how to keep them interested, etc. I finally realized that I was not getting the relationship I want in return. There was no cheating or abuse or drugs/alcohol, but I couldn't get him to be attentive towards me, or to comfort me when I'm sad, or move forward and build a shared life. I don't have good conflict or stress management, I'm guilty of that, but he seemed to just shut me out and complained that our arguments were "no fun." We have different values and ambitions and views on life. When we're together, all I can think about is how unhappy I am, but when we break up, I am so pained and devastated.

 

I have such a hard time letting go, yet I know that getting back together won't work either.

 

My life used to be full of anger, resentment, frustration, and disappointment when we were together. Now that it's over, it's filled with emptiness, sadness, and hurt. I don't know what to do.

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Our situation is only different in that my wife (divorce final on 12/16) still live together and get along great. My story is in the relationship with x thread.

 

I have copied so many things from this site and I put them in a Word document that I read whenever I'm feeling down. You just can't believe how much better it makes me feel. Whenever I'm reading threads here and I run accross something I like I just copy and paste it into my Word document. I'm on page three now.

 

Here's one that I copied that I hope can help. I'll change the she to he to fit you and your situation.

 

"All I can say is that it does get easier.....sorry for the pain now. I remember it vividly, and anytime I'm dealing with my ex and I feel a twinge of emotion, I remember the pain that he caused me and remind myself that I will never put myself in that situation again, where my happiness is so tied into and dependent on someone else that I lose myself."

 

I'm sorry for your pain, as I'm going through it right now as well. Please don't think that he's the best you can get or that he's "the one." If that were truly the case then you wouldn't be in this situation. You need someone in your life who just loves you for you. I'm assuming you don't have kids, so the best thing you can do is to eliminate any and all contact with him.

 

Stay strong.

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Nick, I read your story in the Relationship With X thread. What a terrible roller coaster ride you have been going through. I'm sorry to hear that. It's so confusing too. What I have trouble understanding is the continued physical intimacy between you and your wife, despite her lack romantic love for you. That is unusual. Usually when the romantic love goes, so does the physical intimacy. Anyway, hang in there. Thank you for your kind words. Today I'm really tempted to attempt reconciliation (again), but I refrained.

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this sums up my ex and i so much...we dated on and off for the past year and a half...i was her first everything basically (love, boyfriend, serious relationship, person she lost her virginity to, ect) we broke up 4 times, the first 3 times she seemed to come back quite quickly and with her initiating most of the contact and what not, this 4th break up we've been apart since April (7 months), we've talked on and off since then, but its been me doing the initiating of contact, mainly because shes been so dead set on us wanting to move on to make it easier...we both still care for each other very much, she still likes hearing from me when i contact her, i know she misses me alot cause she's admitted it, and we even met up once in August and it was nice, but shes just not willing to try again this time around, and i've tried so hard to convince her to work through any issues with me, when breaking up seems to be her solution, and i gave it my all with her, 120%...she let one stupid negative thing outweight the million positives, and it sucks...its all really been pretty emotionally and mentally draining to me and i've decided to not chase/convince her over and over again now and at the same time not wait around for her anymore, so i just need to leave her be now...not saying she necessarily wants me to leave her alone and not talk to her, but honestly, all i want is to be with her and maybe try again if we are to keep in contact...we can't be just friends or acquaintances, it wouldn't work, so i need to just give up, as much as it sucks and hurts...i miss her dearly, even though it is getting better and easier...it's her turn to come to me or contact me if she wants, she seems to have not let go of my phone number, but i'm not waiting anymore or holding out too much hope anymore....i'm basically in the "i give up, whatever happens, happens" phase now!

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Nick, I read your story in the Relationship With X thread. What a terrible roller coaster ride you have been going through. I'm sorry to hear that. It's so confusing too. What I have trouble understanding is the continued physical intimacy between you and your wife, despite her lack romantic love for you. That is unusual. Usually when the romantic love goes, so does the physical intimacy. Anyway, hang in there. Thank you for your kind words. Today I'm really tempted to attempt reconciliation (again), but I refrained.

 

I don't know of anyone who understands it, much less me. It's funny, last night when I got home I went through my usual routine of taking a shower and getting settled in for the night. I sat down in my recliner while my wife climbed into bed and she asked if anything was wrong. I said no, of course not. She asked if I was mad at her and I said no, not at all. She asked me to get into the bed so she could snuggle with me. She's always telling me how much she loves to snuggle with me.

 

Regarding the sex, it's still just as good as ever if not better. I still have trouble at times whenever I think of why this is happening because we get along great, and really, we always have. She just says that while she loves me, it isn't the love a wife should have for her husband, whatever that means.

 

We still text each other during the day to say hi, and we still do everything together as a family. Her brother says that I need to just cut her off completely, that if it was him he would just avoid her. Her father told me to stop taking care of her and to let her fall on her face.

 

I can't do that, she'll always be special to me. While my love for her is pretty much gone, I still care for her and always will. My advice to you regarding reconciliation is this, do whatever it is you feel is right for you. Advice from others is just that, but it's you that has to do what's right for you.

 

I will say this, after I gave my wife a second chance it just wasn't the same. I think once that trust is broken it's over, at least for me it was. I could never feel the same about her again, she just ruined our marriage and she has even said so.

 

Keep posting, it does help.

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