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Some history first:

I was with my ex for almost three years. We were very serious (my mother said she expected us to get married.) We started dating sophomore year of high school, we are now freshmen in college. We go to the same college.

During the good times, it was the perfect relationship. He was my best friend, I've never loved somebody so much in my life. I've never really believed in soulmates, but if that's a real thing... He would be it.

In the last few months of our relationship, especially during the summer before we started college, things began to go downhill. We "broke up" a couple of times, but never for more than a couple of days before we couldn't stand being apart anymore and made up. Unfortunately, we had problems that built up and were constantly pushed under the rug. It was both of our faults. About a week before move-in day we had a big falling out and I was very upset due to the way he had been treating me recently, and I asked that we go on a "mini-break" until we both got settled into our dorms and college life. He complied but was very hurt. After we moved in, however, we got back together. Everything was good at first, but we still had problems we never fully sorted out and things began to get more and more difficult and we started fighting a lot. The last straw was when we were both upset with each other one night and then he pulled out his phone and I saw that he had been texting a girl that went to his high school that now was at the same college as us. I asked him about it and he admitted that he had been spending time with her alone behind my back. This upset me a lot because a lot of the problems in our past were from times he had been going on "dates" with other girls and hiding it from me (one of them being his ex, as far as I know there was no physical cheating with anyone but I was still pretty hurt.) I got mad and told him to leave.

We didn't talk for a couple of days, and then we had a fight about everything that didn't end in any sort of apology. It was unclear if that was us breaking up. We went a week or two without talking. I confided in a male friend living in my dorm.

When we did talk again, he told me he was now dating that girl he had been texting. So, in his mind, we broke up with that last fight. I hadn't really wanted to break up, and hearing that he had already found a new girlfriend upset me and instead of telling him so, I fought him on it. I claimed I had hooked up with my male friend (which was not true at the time) to upset him. It ended on a bitter note.

All of this happened during the month of August and early September, I believe.

I began dating the male friend not soon after.

During either late September or early October we finally exchanged our things. It was very quick and civil, we said no more than ten words to each other and he offered me a quick and friendly one-armed hug. However, there was one item that I couldn't find, and I told him when I did find it I would let him know and give it back to him. Secretly, I was glad of this, because I was not over him and was glad to have another chance to see him.

Eventually I did find the item, and I texted him in October (probably around the 20th?) to tell him I had it. We ended up having a long discussion in which I told him that I was unsure when we broke up and that I hadn't wanted to, and I told him that I was also dating someone now as well. I told him I wanted to at least be able to stay friends because he was the biggest part of my life for so long, but he reminded me of how I was hurt when he was talking to his ex while we were together, and how he wanted to change and not treat his new girlfriend the way he treated me. He said that we could not be friends since we were both dating other people now. I met with him one last time to give him the last item, and that was the last time we spoke for a while.

 

We went over a month without talking. I wanted so badly to text him on what would have been our three year anniversary (November 18) but I didn't.

 

Now, present day:

 

Today (November 24) was his birthday. I texted him happy birthday. He said thank you, and then asked how I was doing. I told him pretty good, and asked how he was. He said pretty good as well.

I then decided to risk it and said that I had to go but it was nice hearing from him again, and suggested we should get coffee sometime and catch up.

I expected him to politely decline and end the conversation there, but he suggested getting coffee this Friday (the day after Thanksgiving, when we will both be home, the 29th.)

I said that sounded good and we ended the conversation.

 

I am thrilled and horribly nervous. I'm still very much in love with him, but we are both still dating other people right now.

I know it probably sounds bad that I'm dating someone, but it was very hard for me to go from being with someone for three years to having no one, especially at the beginning of college in a whole new environment. I thought that being with him would help me get over my ex, which it has certainly helped with (right after the breakup I could barely bring myself to get out of bed.) I do have strong feelings for this other guy, and I am generally happy with him. We spend a lot of time together. I am glad we are together, however, my ex remains in my mind as "the one that got away" and if given the opportunity to get him back, I would do anything.

I feel like I may have been given a golden opportunity here. I know that this meeting for coffee is meant to be totally friendly, but I still hope that it may be a step towards rekindling with my ex.

I don't even necessarily want to just get back together with him (although that would be great,) I really just want to be his friend. I've never had such great chemistry with someone - I could tell him literally anything at all, I was the happiest in his company, he was the best friend I've ever had. We had such great times together. With him gone, there is a hole in my chest. He was part of who I am and since he left it feels like a part of me is missing. I would gladly take simply having him as a friend to talk to over not having him as anything at all. (Though, if I could get him back relationship-wise, that would be even better.)

 

So... what do I do when we get coffee? What do I say? How should I act?

I can't screw up this opportunity. I usually don't go on forums like this, but I'm desperate to get this right and I needed some advice.

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There is two things happening here. First you are nervous and anxious to be seeing your ex. And secondly and more importantly you guys are both dating someone right now. I'm not one for accusations and I'm not sure i I'm in the right here, but it sound like you need to sort your head out a little bit between your feelings with your ex and whoever you are currently seeing. I'd hate to be that guy right now. I'd feel like I'd been emotionally cheated on....so I'd take a little time and be honest with yourself with what you want. If you truly still love your ex, you need to do the very tough but right thing and let your current gf know. I just got out of a relationship where my ex overlapped our relationship by seeing one one else before dumping me. You said you had a problem going from being with someone for 3 years to beng alone, even though that's probably what you should have done...so first off I'd let your current bf know what you are feeling, it's a risk and chance but its the truth and honest.

 

Secondly, if you do see your ex for coffee just b yourself, you have a history and I he has feelings still for you things will go naturally. But do the right thing and be honest with yourself and the hearts be feelings of everyone in this situation

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I'll definitely let my current boyfriend know that I'm going to be having coffee with my ex. I'll make sure to mention that there's still some feelings there, and hopefully he will understand (it's still early in our relationship.)

I don't want that relationship to crash and burn though, because it has been going very well, and in the likely case that there's no hope to get back with my ex, I definitely want to continue with my current boyfriend.

 

Mainly what I need help with right now though is how to handle this meet-up.

Should we talk about the people we're dating right now? That may be a bad idea but I have no clue how serious he is with this girl and I'm very curious. Ultimately I want to know if there's any chance for us at all in the future, but I know going in and straight asking that would be fatal.

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Hmmmm. I'm trying to be objective and not sound accusatory here, but you seem to want to have your cake and eat it too. You want to meet up and see if there is a chance to mend thing with your ex, but in case you can't you want to keep the fires burning with your current bf.... What if when you meet your ex he says he's madly in love with you still and wants to work things out? Out the window with the current bf? Ultimately you are the conductor of your life, you need to do what's best for you. If I was your current bf though and you told me " I'm going to be seeing my ex and there are nresolved feelings there" I'd be upset and confused. That's why I'm saying in m opinion you need to just clear your head or a second. I think you would be doing he right thing by telling your current bf though what's goin on. Relationships are about being honest and own and laying the cards in the table no matter what. He might be upset he might understand, but regardless you will be honest with him and yourself. It's hard shn it comes to matters of the heart.

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