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I'm so lost, hurt, confused, and my fault!


airlee

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Hi everyone. . Please help me I'm so confused and hurt.

Sorry I have to start from the very beginning

My bf and I started dating just 2 mos ago but we've known each other through to our community for nearly 3 years, during that 3 years time, I know he fancies me and been hinting for a date but I was ignoring him as I was in a relationship whilst him was jumping relationship ro relationship. I was 7 years older than him too and didn't like how young men behaved. he's 22 and me 29 ..I didn't even take notice of him even right after my then bf and me broke up a year ago until 3 mos ago, We stared dating and we got on really well. .He's the most romantic loving bf I ever had far from what I thought, I think a kind of bf any women would like, he never failed telling me how much he loves me everyday and that he's very happy that I finally noticed him that he would never hurt and leave me that he can't live without me and that he's very lucky to have me.We've overcome gossips and negative people that tried to break us apart, even defended me from his mum who didn't like me for being too old for him and promised that we will never break apart....my pictures are hanging at his flat though we've only been together for a month, card, promises, showing me off to his friends, the lot!! Even planning to have matching rings. He is soo lovely until everything has changed 2 weeks ago. It started when we got invited to his friends wedding. He was sooo drunk already by the time I joined the reception ( I was only invited at the reception) and didn't even managed to introduce me to people so anyway as a gf, i look after him and took care of him but ended up him swearing at me and calling me nasty names. Luckily in our hotel room and not in public. Now I KNEW this is something that I shouldn't take seriously and take to heart coz he was just obviously too drunk and can't even remember anything the next morning but the name calling kinda hit me when I thought about it...I felt disrespected and degraded but didn't say anything bout how i felt anyway. He promised he'll make it up but then jokingly called me idiot again in the afternoon and I got really offended..in fairness to him he always make an effort to woo me and making me smile again. But after that day.. the next whole week was an emotional roller coaster for me, I got easily irritated by him in everything little things... even simple jokes I would assume immediately that he's really thinking I'm an idiot. He said its all in my head and that I'm only accusing him..everyday in 7 days I always moan about something through text (as we live 2 hrs apart and only seeing during the weekend) but everyday he always tried to woo me and ignore things. I also realised that I was being too harsh to him so I made a promise on Sunday that I won't be moany again onto little things and won't be so touchy anymore. . We were so happy again and we got on really well until Monday night. We again had a little argument that it got bigger and bigger, and he said some things he didn't like about me that REALLY hurts me..so I got frustrated and I said we need a break as we've only been together for 2mos and we've been having these issues and I'm not liking it.. he still tried to calm the things down and tried to soften his voice and hug me. But I still didn't stop and carried on talking until I finally push his buttons. he lost his patience and told me to get off the car. The next morning, TUESDAY he text me "So?" But didn't received until afternoon. .I was still hurt and was planning to have little break and ignore for days but text him back anyway I said "what so?" And he said don't worry... I didn't reply and didn't text him until WEDNESDAY late evening he text and asked me of " what's going on with us then?" I told him that I'm sorry for everything, that reason I was being sensitive because the swearing thing but I'm willing to forget everything and would like to start a fresh and happy relationship if he would like too? He replied.. "I need some time to think, speak in the week" he then changed our fb relationship status and changed his profile picture and WhatsApp display to his solo picture. I freaked out and got hysterical. .bombarded him with text messages wanting to talk to me as I've noticed..called him but he didn't answer and left messages saying I don't wanna lose him. He replied " it's only a fakin fb and I should stop being a fb geek" and he didn't want to talk to me as he's going to sleep. . My friend roommate got worried and called him too and he didn't answer her either. Thursday morning I sent a VERY long text apologising for I freaked out and was asking for forgiveness..and that i respect his need for space and I'm going to miss him, told him to not to left me hanging for soo long as it's very excruciating and I love hin with all my heart I also said that I will respect whatever decision he may be but he needs to let me know but then I will be happiest woman if he will give this relationship a second chance and I will be a better gf .. NO RESPINSE..I understand and tI gave him 2 days. FRIDAY late in the evening I text him " goodnight and miss you" "morning and have a lovely day text" on SATURDAY and " how's his day been text" afternoon. NO REPLY! Saturday evening I travelled back to Southampton, he knows that I'm in town and he knows that I will stay until Monday but he never get in touch with me TODAY, SUNDAY... I text him in the morning letting him know that I'm in town just in case he would like to have some coffee and asked him if how could I fix the him ignoring me thing.... NO REPLY! I decided to call him but it went straight to voicemail. I left a message saying hopefully he will let me know what's in his head so I know what I should be doing next. .. I have the feeling that he might have blocked me as when I tried to ring him again it's just went straight to voicemail. I tried to blocked myself using my friends iPhone and it's got the same result.. I can see that he'Ohs always online on fb though mobile so I know that his phone is not switch off. NOW... I am thinking of going to his place and talk to him but would that be sensible?

Should I still hang on?

It's been 4 days now since the last time he sent me text. .. should i wait more?

Confusing part is... when I mentioned in one of my text that I was really sorry about freaking out bout fb and that I can understand the fb but changing the WhatsApp display too seems an statement of forgetting me..HE then changed his display pic back to our picture... is this a good sign? Though he's hasn't been in WhatsApp after our last text on Wednesday.

He said he just wants time to think? Should I hang on to this or is this is just his way if saying he doesn't wanna be in a relationship anymore?

But maybe he's just really thinking?

I thought he loves me so dearly, how come he doesn't care? We've never fight before and I'm not normally a sensitive person but I admit I was being a pain for a week? But its just for one week??? Because of the result of the verbal abuse plus I was dealing personal problems at that point.. I told him about it but not sure if he's aware of how down i was.

He's not removing me on fb and our pictures are still there? Is it a good sign?

Is it too late for me to save the relationship?

I still have have some things at his place. . I'm planning to get it tomorrow and speak to him at the same time or should I just leave my things and forget the idea of talking to him at the moment and maybe get them next week and probably he's fine by then?

 

What should I do? I'm really hurt and confused and haven't been sleeping for 4 days now.. I can't sleep I can't eat. All I want is just a message from him.

 

Thank you and and appreciate all your advice.

 

Lee

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Hi Lee!

Im a girl 25, and I've been experiencing similar torture waiting for my long distance boy to respond to important messages... it is HELL when they don't respond!

 

I just want to tell you - wow and absolutely well done for getting the whole story out and down in words.

When it's a painful blur of emotions and confusion, it can be so difficult to see the whole picture clearly.

But you pushed through all of that and shared your story anyway --- so so amazing and moving.

 

It sounds like you are really thoughtful and concerned about what's going on with the other person -- which actually is a huge strength.

 

Maybe if he bothered to stop his busy wooing schedule and pay your feelings the same sensitivity that you show him, the situation would have been resolved back in the hotel room.

 

It's really heart breaking your self esteem has taken such a battering from him. And the fact he has good qualities you love so much makes it even more conflicting.

 

And even though you probably could use a holiday just to recover from the mean words alone (even if he was drunk) It's impossible to rest you

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(Sorry phone glitch)

 

...rest your mind and recover when you're not getting any replies.

 

I wish there is a simple solution I can share with you - im sorry I don't have one...

 

But do you have some close friends that you can talk this out with? Friends who help you feel confident about your decisions?

 

I think you are the one experiencing all of this so you will know better than anyone what your feelings are, and what your feelings are telling you.

 

You clearly have a lot of love and goodness in you, so you will find your way through. .. but I hope you are not alone,

And I hope this guy will offer a hand soon so you're not doing all the work....

 

Take care. .. and I'll be thinking about you two as I grind my teeth waiting for my bf(? Or just friend?) To reply to my messages. .....

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Hi hanB.. I know it's really hard.. I'm really lost! I don't know if should I still hang on or move on. I wanted to go to his place and speak to him but scared I might push him away.. I've also seen a conversation on his fb that he's training in a woman in the gym (he's not a gym instructor) ..not sure if that was just a mate or somethings going on with that. Really hard when you don't hear anything...your mind just won't stop thinking. I haven't been able to sleep now for 4 days now and really is not healthy. I can forget the drunkness event, all i want is just for him to message me... even saying STOP would give me a go signal to to move on... hope he'd call you soon. X

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First of all, it is NOT all 'your fault'. You have to realize this thing you two have going has only been a cpl of months.

In this time it is NOT 'love', it's 'lust'. And from what I've read, HE is inconsiderate!

He has continously belitted you, insultes you emotionally etc and your first excuse was he was 'drunk'. Well then, that continued on, didn't it?

He has NO respect for you and this is easy to see, with it only being over a 2 month period.

YOU my dear, have to gain some self respect and realize you do NOT need this in your life and will NOT put up with this kind of behavior from your partner.

He's been acting VERY immature and selfish towards you, 'trying' to lay guilt onto you, in his own sense.

Yet, is it NOT you. This is HIM and he has issues.

 

You do NOT bother calling him or running over to his place anymore.. You are chasing him.. beggin him and next it'll be harassing or stalking. Don't do it!

He may actually be either 'enjoying' the chase or begin to get slightly ticked off with you!

So- BACK OFF now, gain some self respect and leave this guy alone.

 

IF he wants to see or talk to you, he will let you know. UNTIL then, leave it alone.

Time for YOU to settle down and get over this. Work on 'accepting' the fact of just the kind of guy he is!

Work on accepting the fact this will NOT work and healing from this crap he's doing with you.

 

Total disrespect in my sense of it all. Don't even bother with him. No one needs such treatment.

Idiot.. etc. -and it's only been a cpl of months. Move out of his way now.

 

Soon enough, hopefully YOU will see & realize this.

 

gd luck

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He was sooo drunk already by the time I joined the reception ( I was only invited at the reception) and didn't even managed to introduce me to people so anyway as a gf, i look after him and took care of him but ended up him swearing at me and calling me nasty names. Luckily in our hotel room and not in public. Now I KNEW this is something that I shouldn't take seriously and take to heart coz he was just obviously too drunk and can't even remember anything the next morning but the name calling kinda hit me when I thought about it...I felt disrespected and degraded but didn't say anything bout how i felt anyway. He promised he'll make it up but then jokingly called me idiot again in the afternoon

 

No, these are NOT little things and you should take what happened very seriously. You have a guy who should be over the moon right now about you, finally having won you over after years of pining for you per him. Instead he gets smashed at a wedding, ignores you and then swears at you. And when he's sobered up and you are rightly upset about it he tells you you're an idiot. Yes, you felt degraded and disrespected because you were. And if you take him back this little incident is going to repeat itself again and again or even get worse.

 

Plenty of people get drunk off their butts and don't swear or hurt the people they love. It honestly sounds to be like this guy has a lot of internal rage and anger that you're only seeing now that you're around him enough, and he's not trying to impress you and win you over any more. What you're seeing right now is the real him and I'd be inclinded to say he likely has a drinking problem too. His subsequent actions also show you and everyone who reads your post that in the end, he thinks the only thing that's wrong about that whole incident is you--something abusers and no repsonsibility types always believe. Even if he apologizes you need to watch your back or better yet just end things and walk away now, because what you saw that day in the hotel is just the tip of the iceberg. I've been around enough people who were abusers and/or abused (worked at a women's shelter for some years) to tell you that these are classic signs. Also he's now pushing the boundaries and trying the whole "I'll withhold my love if you call me on my bad behavior" just to find out how far he can push those personal boundaries before you cave and let him do what he wants.

 

And one last piece of advice: never tell yourself you're being unreasonable, because you refuse to let someone call you nasty names. Especially if that someone is a person who claims to love you.

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No, these are NOT little things and you should take what happened very seriously. You have a guy who should be over the moon right now about you, finally having won you over after years of pining for you per him. Instead he gets smashed at a wedding, ignores you and then swears at you. And when he's sobered up and you are rightly upset about it he tells you you're an idiot. Yes, you felt degraded and disrespected because you were. And if you take him back this little incident is going to repeat itself again and again or even get worse.

 

And one last piece of advice: never tell yourself you're being unreasonable, because you refuse to let someone call you nasty names. Especially if that someone is a person who claims to love you.

 

Sums it up right here. Be glad this was only 2 months and not 2 years. Best thing to do is walk away and stay away.

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Thank you all for you reply! I gave him the space he wanted, i Stop myself from communicating for the fear I might push him away because love him so much that I can forgive with all the name calling. . But stopping myself of communicating was a waste of time coz I later found out that he actually blocked me from the very first night of argument AFTER he said he needed time to think. finally message him after 4 days on fb as I saw him online and that's the only possible communication I can do.. I asked him about us and his decision, he didn't reply but blocked me off fb instead. Next day, went to drop a letter in his mailbox saying I need my stuff and if he can leave them outside his door and I'll pick them up in the evening. ..I pop by in the evening but nothings left outside.. can't call coz I'm being blocked. Knocked his door quietly and made it a bit louder when his not opening it after knockig many times.When he opens finally, he was annoyed to see me and for loudly knocking, he quietly swears at me (like mumble kind of thing but heard him still) and (he lives with his nan btw) he then told me to wait and shut the door in my face. .left me waiting outside..few minutes after he handed me my things and he asked me quietly "why are you banging the door?" he's slowly closing the door whilst asking. .. I answered " I wasn't banging the door" but he shut the door whilst I'm still talking. How rude! Thought I'm gonna have a hurt attact. But..... I still want him? I might have just annoyed him for knocking loudly? If he wants to end the relationship why would he asked me first if what's gonna happen with us when I didn't get in touch with him 2 days after argument? When I responded I still want us... why he said he needed time to think and removed his relationship status with me straight away? And blocked me? Is he gonna come back at some point? He's mum don't like me for me being old. . His nan might got annoyed of me knocking for bit loud) will those be 2 of the reasons not to to come back to me?

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airlee hi!!! Im sorry I thought I'd be messaged if there was a reply on this thread, so I only saw it today...

 

Ignore any of the posts that make you feel worse about yourself than you already do.

 

Comments that just blame the victim, just shows a lack of imagination or empathy on the spectator's side, nothing to do with you.

 

You're not the problem!!

 

And the fact you have a heart and love someone so much, is a beautiful gift. I wish there was more people in daily life like that! Truly. ..

 

Omg reading the next part of the story is so sad -- it honestly sounds like you did the only thing you could... and it was such a unsatisfying exchange.

 

I totally get that pain, when someone holds all the power over you. Because it's not their heart or pain or anything, they're totally unaffected by the silence. But every moment you're consumed by your feelings, the lack of certainty or even your own identity! ! It's so hard so so hard.

 

If there weren't a whole bunch of ass-holes posing as therapists out there I'd say maybe a relationship therapist or helpline might be useful.... but omg Ive experienced what its like to get advice from someone who clearly doesn't give a about your problems when you're at your most vulnerable. .. so it's not a perfect suggestion at all...

 

I just wish you can be free of this suffocating pain and abusive grip this guy holds on you.

And you are the resilient, intelligent person finding a way through this, self doubt and questioning is normal. But you're already recognizing important parts of the story, and you're even unveiling more about his side of things without ANY HELP frim him or other.

 

YOU'RE doing this. When you deserve so much more love and care and kindness.

 

Well done airlee for every thing you're achieving. Hang in there♡

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.....she said quite rudely before properly reading the earlier post ----- my bad Ms Darcy. -_-;

I take back last post. Apologies! now I know what your last comment was about. (Thought you were giving clicks to the horrible guy)

may your weekend be awesome.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks again for the reply! How's things happening between you and your bf? Did he call yet? Mine is really the end. I haven't heard anything from him for nearly a month now since I took my things and he shut the door in my face? I haven't move on yet.. I can't control myself stalking on him. . I used my auntie's fb to check him almost everyday.. I saw he's flirting with other girls, he's been busy drinking with friends and he got laid too.. I should get angry and move on but I just can't. . It's really hard for me to move forward because we don't have closure. I didn't know his reasons why he dumped me out of the blue. I didn't call/text him since I took my things 3 weeks ago.. I'm planning to him in 2 days (month after the argument) is texting him and telling him I haven't move on yet is a good idea? I'm so confuse.

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No, it's not a good idea. He has clearly moved on and so should you.

 

Do you honestly want someone who would treat you that way? Call you bad names and slam the door in your face? Don't get sidetracked thinking of all the sweet things he has done, that was all just to impress you. What you saw when he was drunk, and when you were at his door... those are his true colors.

 

Vow to yourself to stay away from looking at his facebook. Go out with friends. Start up a new hobby.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi everyone, it's been 2mos now that I haven't spoken to him since I took my things out from his place. He hasn't called, text or email since. He still blocked me on fb.. Me, I'm moving on slowly, I don't cry that much anymore but I'm still upset. On New Year's Eve I sent a happy new year message to everyone on my WhatsApp contacts including him and he didn't reply, he even left the group.. And just yesterday, I sent a bday invitation message to his friend through fb who became my friend too as it's gonna be my bday next month. The friend must have told him. He then message me and asking me why I am messaging his friends? Should I reply his text? The friend replied a very bland response too and didn't even say thanks for the invite... I wanted to reply and say sorry for inviting as I didn't know it'll be such an issue. But is replying would do any better? They must have thought I am being a weirdo? Pls help me.... I wanted to tell my ex that "it's just an invitation as his friends was being nice to me before and I'm just returning the kindness" but scared that he might took this the wrong way..... I mentioned on my invite that it's for invites only so clearly I'm not using our friend to bring my ex at the party as ex wasn't invited.

 

Also, my friends thought that messaging his friend is a wrong move because I've only met this friend and few people (which are all my ex friends) once and haven't spoken to him since though he's on my fb. .. They thought its weird. But for me, they were really nice to me before and I really like them hence I invited them coz the idea of my party is to get together with people I had a good time in my twenties. This things are really playing in my head! My ex and his friend must have thought I'm a weirdo though I'm just being nice.

 

What do you guys think about this? Should I reply and explain to my ex and his friend the reasons why I invited them and apologised for causing an issue? And why my ex is very angry to me? What happened to us is what I've wrote here.. Nothing less, nothing more. I didn't cheat on him or even swears at him?

 

Thanks very much,

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Its a red flag that hes emotionally/verbally abusive towards you 2months into the relationship, during the honeymoon period. It can only get worse. The way he treats you now is a sign of how he will treat you in a year-only then it will be 5x worse. You should run a mile from him and never look back. Never ignore red flags

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I think once you start making his friends uncomfortable enough to mention this to him, it's best to cut contact with him and all of his friends completely.

 

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE QUOTE ABOVE!!!!!

 

Move on. Stop stalking him and his friends (yes, checking on him daily and texting invites to his friends is a type of stalking).

You are being seen as the crazy lady right now, and I know you do not want that.

 

Go to a bar and smile at a random guy in there and he will most likely be a better man for you than this one was.

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I've only spoken and invited one of his friend who is also my friend (became my friend through him) as it's gonna be my bday next month, told him to tell our other friends too (who also become my friends through him) that it'll be wonderful if they can come, never mentioned my ex or even ask about my ex whereabouts, I told him that they have to let me know if they can come so I can send them the invitation card cause they can't get in without it, I WAS HINTING THAT IT'S FOR INVITES ONLY therefore they won't think I'm using them to see my ex, as I am genuinely inviting them to see them. YES! I am checking my ex through his fb sometime, not daily as checking is not the only thing I do everyday (but no one knows this apart from the people in this forum and myself) if this is stalking, I know its wrong, but my reason is for me to find something that will make me angry at him, then hopefully, anger will help me to move on quite easily because right up to this moment I just can't find anger in my heart which I should off cause of the all the nasty things he had done, anyway, The friend replied the next day and he's been very nice and we had a good chat, he even asked if am I still talking to his friend (my ex) and I just replied a very short "not at the moment" and carried on chatting with other things (not involving my past rel and my ex) so I don't think I come up as being a crazy lady??? As I've never message his friend before just this time as for my bday.. if I think about it my ex only heard about me just once after the break up (as friend probably asked if I invited him as I invited them and he text me) I DID NOT reply back hence I posted a message to asked if should I text him back or not but no one seems to noticed my questions.. Don't get me wrong, I have social life! I've got good company of friends, family and a very busy job that deals with people everyday, I also live right outside soho in London so night outs and clubs are not at all a problem and it's very accessible lol, It's just that he just won't go away in my head and it seems it's affecting me how he quickly move on where he was the one who tried to win me for years.

 

Also, in our community, people likes to gossips and spread rumours. since we broke up, I have heard a very inhuman, ridiculous, utterly nonsense negative comments about me for being older than him, apparently his mum started the rumours and something financially happened to him after we broke up and I was the one being blame? (Me, for 2mos being together??) i never even said anything or even contact my ex about this. This is actually affecting me psychologically as it's discrimination and I'm being judge purely just because of my age (7 years older)but decided to stay silent anyway because I know, if I confronted my ex, he might think I'm just making a story, that I am being a weirdo cause I just want his attention, he will then ask his mum, and his mum would then deny and point the finger to me..,I am the loser at end of the day.. So no! I stayed quite all throughout so I don't think I've come up as I crazy one.

 

In my last message, I've got few questions and it seems like no one really understand my questions. But thanks anyway

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