Friends with benefits...can someone define this situation for me?

[issy12]

Should friends with benefits/f**k buddies do things like go out to pubs with for meals,drinks etc...even cuddle after up sex? I have a friend with benefits situation...we used to go out and now everything is the same as before except we keep saying we aren't together. BUT. He wants my opinions on everything he does, his music, band, art etc...we have a great time when we're together, its so easy between us and when I go to leave he says he'l see me as soon as he can.In the pub just now he says I'm his girlfriend his friend with benefits his f**k buddy but does all the cutesy things like kissing the top of my head ,my cheek etc. I had to get to my sisters so dropped him off just now and he kissed me goodbye, it was a lengthy kiss and he says 'you do like me in that way' so I said 'huh? I like spending time with you' and he said 'so friends with benefits?'. he said he would see me Tuesday, asked for another kiss and I drove off. soon as I get home I have a message from him saying when I've finished at my sisters can we hang out again...I was fine with seeing him Tuesday as I knew how busy he was today and didn't want to get in the way. So really I'm a bit confused, I'm not pushing things with him and I like that he wanted to see me again but can anyone shed any light on his words/actions?

[Realitynut]

Yeah, he's fallen for ya!

 

So in other words, he likes doing things with you. He likes sleeping with you. He feels romantic towards you.

 

Yep. He just plain likes you.

 

Course i don't get the whole F'k buddy thing anyway....

 

 

edit: btw....probably doesn't want to say he likes you as a 'girlfriend' cuz it might scare you away! Did YOU want the FWB situation? Do you like him ....at all in that way. I can't imagine just screwing someone and not feeling romantic towards them. Such animalistic actions. And no cuddling???????? aaargh....

[issy12]

Well it all came about when we met up a few weeks ago after not having seen each other since July. We broke up, not on bad terms, but on sad terms...if that makes sense? We didn't really speak for the four months we were apart and although i was happy and getting on with work etc occassionally i would miss him...but i made myself think it was just missing the company rather than him. Anyway, we were chatting and catching up and he asked if anyone was on my radar or was i seeing anyone...then when we went to say bye the whole idea of being 'friends with benefits' came from him! He kissed me and i was completely stunned! I said well lets see how things go (bear in mind i don't want to be hurt again!) and i was happy with occasionally meeting up with him, keeping it lighthearted. See i completely agree with the cuddling! I love to cuddle but i didn't expect him to when we did sleep together cos i didn't think he wanted that part of it so was quite pleasantly surprised! Like i said its so easy when we're together but because of everything he said last time....how he didn't think he could love me the way he thought i would want him to....i've been taking it all with a pinch of salt. He makes me happy and like i said i haven't been pushing him at all but just little things he says and does make me think hmmm....what is actually going on here?!

[savignon]

I think if you don't want to be hurt again, you should come out and ask him what he's thinking. Tell him its starting to 'feel like old times' versus a casual hook up situation and see what he says. I was in a similar situation and the guy (rekindled ex situation) was telling me I was the only woman for him, he could see himself with me, etc. and then when it turned out he was sleeping with someone else I got the old "we weren't really dating" thrown in my face and I was STUNNED. What I took away from it was that I had let it go on casually in a 'lets see what happens' kind of way and I wasn't clear which allowed him to ride both horses. If you really don't want to get hurt, clear this up. It takes all the fun fairy tale feelings away which sucks and isn't fun...its WAY more fun to let things unroll and let all the excitement build up....but you could easily get hurt if he's not on the same page as you and its easy to prevent if you can have the courage to ask what his intent is.

Good luck!

[lavenderdove]

OK, when it comes to these kinds of things, people lose focus on what's really important.

 

As in, what do you want for yourself? Do you want a BF and someone to date you, or do you want a situation that is really undefined with no commitment and no guarantees other than hooking up whenever both of you are in the mood, but otherwise no strings attached?

 

Trying to read someone's mind just doesn't work, and we certainly have no clue what his feelings are for you. So the only way to know that is to ask him what he wants. Does he want to date, or just have an f-buddy situation? And what to YOU want? you need to stand up for yourself and what you want, not just go along with whatever he's wants in hopes that it will turn into something different. It's not 'pushing things' to ask him what is going on and what he wants from this situation, it is being SMART and protecting yourself and your heart. It is way too easy to start getting emotions for someone on the assumption it will turn into something more, when he's really not in the market for that though he will have fun with you until he meets some other girl he likes better.

 

So nothing ventured, nothing gained. Ask him what he's looking for. And if what he is after is different than what you really want, tell him what you want and see if he'll think about it. And if he won't, then don't waste your time with this and getting more attached to a guy who doesn't want you as his GF, only as a random hookup when he's in the mood for it.

 

Keep in mind that LOTS of guys LOVE the idea of FWB because they get their sexual needs met and have absolutely no obligations to you other than to shag you when (and everyone else) when he's in the mood. They're as happy as a cat with a bowl of cream in that situation and may be ebullient and upbeat when they see you, but that doesn't mean they're in love with you, just happy that they've found a girl who'll agree to a FWB situation and no strings sex!

 

Just because he has sex with you doesn't mean he's feeling romantic with you. Remember, he'll probably grab his sister or mother and kiss her on the head too when feeling affectionate, and it doesn't mean he has romantic feelings for them. And they'll shag hookers and one-night stands and that doesn't mean they're romantic about them either, even if they are polite to them.

 

You have to make sure that he does see the situation in the same manner as you do, as a dating/romance situation rather than just f-buddies, and if he's not wanting a romance with you, and you want one with him, don't waste your time.

[Batya33]

To me the euphemism friends with benefits means good friends who decide to have sex when they're in the mood to have sex. Many people use it as a true euphemism to mean someone they meet who they feel like having sex with from time to time. As far as boundaries, etc that's between the two friends or two sex partners.

[issy12]

In all honesty i'm not sure whether i want a relationship with him again...when we're together like i said its great and we have fun and a laugh and then i get home and i remind myself how i felt when we ended in july. I do like spending time with him but we agreed it was only to be every so often otherwise attachments would form which is why i don't get why he's going against that and wanting me to go back out and see him again when i'd literally just walked in the door!

[lady00]

Ok I think you need to decide what you want and go for that. Continuing down this path seems like a bad idea because it sounds like you are not comfortable with being friends with benefits. I would not assume he wants more than that because he is doing couple-seeming things. You could be mistaken.

[savignon]

In all honesty i'm not sure whether i want a relationship with him again...

 

If you don't make the decision for yourself then you're allowing to follow his lead and that's what could lead to you getting hurt.

[Batya33]

It's really easy to play couple when you've told the person you do not want a relationship -that way you can play at being a couple whenever it suits you and know you're not leading the person on.

[trolleycar]

I think until You make up mind you want to do with this guy. From what you said it sound like that he want to be with you.

And if what you have said to him he may worry that if he tells you that he really like you that you may stop want to go out with him.

It may be possibly he is saying the he does not a relationship. where he may be willing to be with the way you two have being doing to not have at all.

Well that just one mans idea.

[lady00]

I think a likely outcome if you assume that he wants more is that he'll later say that he's not interested in more and thought you understood that. This happens a lot in FWB situations. So I think you should get really clear about what you want and then let him know. Otherwise, there's is the potential to get hurt (I assume if you didn't think there was potential for that you wouldn't be worried about anything with respect to this relationship).