Jump to content

Recommended Posts

In a couple of months I will be hitting the 1 year mark.

 

How did you feel on that day?

What helped you moved on?

Are you in contact or nc with your ex?

Are you still healing?

Did you find someone else?

Best advice you can give others after looking back on your break up?

 

I could ask loads of questions. I'm interested to hear people's stories once they got to the big milestone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

At my one-year mark after leaving my last ex--the one who really was the most unhealthy relationship of my life--I was at a rock concert with my son and his friends having a blast on the one-year anniversary of our final breakup. I say final, because the guy and I were on-off again for six years of total insanity before I finally called it quits for good.

 

How did you feel on that day? I felt free, happy, relieved. I remember thinking at one point that if we were still together he'd have been bagging on me for days for doing something "so juvenile" a phrase he loved to toss at me. Instead there I was screaming with the teenage girls while the lead singer, a guy young enough to be one of my kids, ran along the stage high-fiving my kids and I and other people in the crowd.

 

What helped you moved on?

 

I took up painting, I went out, I tried new experiences. Also once I felt healed enough I went back to every place and/or did every activity and listened to every song we'd ever had together with the mindset that I was reclaiming my own life. It worked since every time I'd realize I'd loved these things before he was in the picture and I still did. I was in a pretty defiant mood by the time we broke up after six years of on/off repeatedly. I think it helped propel me into action instead of my usual moping and longing phase of a breakup. Additionally, weirdly enough I dumped out everyone and anyone who was toxic in some way to me. It was so much easier to get over him when I didn't have others bringing me down or causing me pain.

 

Also I moved out of a city that I hated and relocated to a place I actually love living at. And I spent some serious face time with a friend who was a grief counselor. She helped me sort through some of the most addictive portions of the relationship and it really helped. I don't normally advocate using friends who are therapists, but in her case she was tough enough and the right sort of no BS that I needed to give me that extra bit of a shove forward.

 

Are you in contact or nc with your ex? NC all the way. He still tries to contact me periodically three years later. I never respond, just delete and add whatever number or email he's got to the blocked list.

 

Are you still healing? No, I'm healed. I can look back on it all now and acknowledge that yes he used me and was a cheater and emotionally abusive, but I had my own share of faults too because I knew what he was from nearly Day One and still chose to stay involved with him. I finally realized I couldn't really cry over what had happened, because my own self-deception and need for distractions from other issues in the form of drama had been entirely on me. I didn't have to stay, I didn't have to put up with the abuses, I didn't have to run back to him every time he showed up again. And that was all on me.

 

Did you find someone else?

 

Yes, I did. At around the year and a half mark??? Not sure on that exactly, we just sort fell into step with each other and it's been the most effortless healthy relationship I've ever had.

 

Best advice you can give others after looking back on your break up?

 

Don't crawl for anyone, no matter how much you love them. Being in love is no excuse for letting someone else mistreat you and just because you're in love it doesn't mean you have to put up with a partner's betrayal, their mistreatment, their knocking over your boundaries, their abuse etc. Learn what a healthy relationship is, what red flags to pay attention to from the get-go and how to set and maintain boundaries. One more piece of advice--get happy within yourself first and have a good life that you just share with others, don't make them your be-all end-all of happiness since that makes one cling to people and do desperate things trying to hold onto someone, because you think if they leave it'll be so much worse than the hell they're putting you through now.

 

Also realize that love is not a finite quantity that gets used up with nothing left over--i.e. if you love someone that's all the love you're ever going to feel or get. Throughout your life you're going to meet many people, you will love and love again no matter often your heart gets broken, and there are an infinite number of ways to love. But again love isn't about making yourself a doormat to anyone.

 

One last thing to share--if you want real happiness with people whether it's family or friends or an SO look for the people who have basic good manners and empathy. Pass on the "me firsts" or people who are rude or expect you to give and give while they take. Or who are just flat-out mean and/or excuse their bad behavior and meanness with "I'm just joking," because no they aren't. Ever. That's abuse in the early stages as the person finds it harder to hide his/her true nature. It's usually pretty obvious who these people are from the get-go, but most of us (myself included) have turned a blind eye when we wanted (hoped) someone wasn't quite the (bleep) we could see early on. Yes, you can get fooled, but generally speaking people who are really selfish or abusive can't keep up the charade for that long, not once they relax and the mask comes off. Pay serious attention to that if you see it and head the other way, no matter what your heart is saying, no matter how "amazing" it all seems. Because it just won't ever be worth the hit to your self-esteem and happiness that such people create.

 

I hope this helps both you and anyone else who reads it. From a woman who's been around the proverbial block a time or two.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Am not at the 1 yr mark..yet. Just over 6 mos. Yes it's been rough *sigh*.

for now, what hurts is the holidays & b-day events etc.

Anxiety kicks in stronger.. brings me down again.

Am just tryin to keep myself busy- get bk into life again.. doing my best to avoid crap about him.

 

Takes time..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 months shy of the 1 year mark.

Def have not healed yet. I have made decent progress but I still have some way to go.

What helped me was doing things to improve myself because it gave me a feeling of achievement.

I actually dated someone briefly but I stopped that as I realized I was only delaying facing my feelings.

 

In the relationship I acted almost entirely as ParisPaulette described. I tolerated too much. Should have left 6 months in but stuck around for 3.5 years. I can't put all the blame on her though because a lot of it was my fault also.

 

Overall I think ParisPaulette gave really good advice. And following that would help you a lot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In a couple of months I will be hitting the 1 year mark.

 

How did you feel on that day?

What helped you moved on?

Are you in contact or nc with your ex?

Are you still healing?

Did you find someone else?

Best advice you can give others after looking back on your break up?

 

I could ask loads of questions. I'm interested to hear people's stories once they got to the big milestone.

 

I just hit the one year mark about a week and a half ago. I'd say I'm fully over my ex in terms of romantic feelings. As far as "overall" healing, I'd say I'm like 85%-90% there. And I will admit that I still occasionally miss my ex as a person and her friendship. But that's about it. It's been just over 10 months of solid NC with my ex, and I currently plan to keep it that way. I sometimes flirt with the idea of being friends, but I just don't see the point. I'm not sure I can ever be friends with someone who hurt me the way she did. Maybe I'll feel differently in the future...I don't know.

 

I've dated a lot this year, but I've only really hit it off with two girls...one moved to CA a few weeks after we met, and another lives in MN that I've been talking to since March. I feel like they are the only 2 girls this past year who "get/got" me. Aside from that and fun with a number of FWBs, I've been kinda burnt out on dating. I currently have my OKC profile active, but it's geared towards getting FWB, nothing serious. I refuse to take online dating seriously again until the New Year (though I do have a date tonight from a girl I "re-met" in real life - go figure).

 

My family seems to think that finding another girl will get me to 100% (where I'm at like 90% now in "overall" healing). Part of me hates the idea of this, but I can kinda see their point. The lonliness won't go away until I'm with someone else, but as I've learned this year, it's just one of those things you have little control over and you can't really rush. So I guess we will see. None of us know what the future holds.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In a couple of months I will be hitting the 1 year mark.

 

How did you feel on that day?

What helped you moved on?

Are you in contact or nc with your ex?

Are you still healing?

Did you find someone else?

Best advice you can give others after looking back on your break up?

 

I could ask loads of questions. I'm interested to hear people's stories once they got to the big milestone.

 

 

1) At one year, I still felt absolutely crushed. As though I had barely moved forward at all.

2) What helped? I tried EVERYTHING under the sun, even hypnosis and 'the secret'. None of it did a damn thing. The only things that help get through is exercise, surrendering to your feelings and the process, lots of movies, and everyone's favorite answer - TIME.

3) NOT in contact with ex since day one. Her doing, not mine.

4) Two years on, and I still have anger and some pain, but it doesn't rule me anymore, and I am ready to date. Don't know if the anger (of betrayal) will ever go away.

5) No, have not met anyone else. And yes, it worries me at times and I am lonely.

6) Best advice is to really really really surrender to what you are going through. The harder you try to run, pull away, ignore, cover up, or replace in effort to get passed this, the more it will dig it's teeth into you. It's like taking time to let a broken leg heal before you go bumping it into things. But your heart is much more sensitive, and controls your mind as well. Listen to it, take care of it, protect it, and learn painful lessons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

not a full year but close. I feel like myself.

 

the way my breakup happened left me feeling very embarrassed and used. but I also felt so emotionally and sexually bonded with my ex. I'd shared some of my happiest adult memories with him, so LOTS of cognitive dissonance.

 

still, i had mourned the loss of myself more than my ex. I hated feeling like a bewildered, pitiful shell of a human. and since I had generated all those adoring feelings for him and gifted him with them, I wanted my open loving heart back. I have it again. and I feel fine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Christmas Eve 2012 is the last time that I saw his face (LDR), and he broke up with me over the phone after the New Year. I thought we were getting married. I'm.... stable, I guess. Not fully myself, but nowhere near the mess I've been this past year. I still love him and miss him, and I've no interest in anyone else at this time, but I'm okay with that right now. His NC, although painful, has been a blessing in disguise for me. Needless to say, I'll be glad to kiss 2013 goodbye.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...