spending my birthday with trying to die

[Illusion93]

I wanna die, I really want to.

I'm trying to press the damn knife to my wrists but somehow it refuse to go deep enough to cut my veins

I don't wanna use another way, it's too risky, I don't wanna end up really injured but still alive.

 

It's my birthday today. I'm finally 20!

And I'v having the best start of my birthday ever

 

Waking up and being ignored is lovely.

Followed by getting to hear how brain-damaged and stupid I am.

Of course being locked out after getting my birthday party cancelled is great, just like crying in the laundry room in the basement for an hour because it's too cold outside.

It's always fun finding out that the people you care most about doesn't give a about you, most even forget your birthday and don't even care to say hi anymore. Not even my dad remembered it... but after all, he wants nothing to do with me so not surprised

Those who still remembers you wish you were out of their lives after failing school again and ignores your cries for help.

Unfortunately my arms don't have space for more scars so gonna spend the rest of this amazing day with crying myself to sleep and pretend this day never existed.

 

It's so great turning 20.

 

 

I've only friends online.

I've a story on here about my ex who i miss so badly but will never get back. Apparently he didn't even remember my birthday

I'm failing school again, for the tenth time i think... and after this i'll never be able to go to college or university

 

I don't want to die really.

I want my ex back badly, i wanna finish high school for once with good grades and do something with my life. I want friends and family in my life who cares for me. I wanna travel and see the world, but have no one to go with and can't be on my own because my depression, have to wait another year before treatment, so can't be on my own or take care of myself in a good way.

 

I've been asking for help everywhere; online forums, family, relatives, help lines, schools, hospital (even told them i'll kill myself soon because i dont wanna live but they dont care) etc. but i get none and i'm really not strong enough to get out of this mess alone.

I hate my life, it turned into my worst nightmare, I never wanted this to happen.

 

And now i'm having the worst day of my life, and i'm sick of this and i really dont see another way out

And now i'm even failing to kill myself, the knife just wont cut the damn vein

I dont know what to do.. please help

[oitnb]

You don't want to die. You said so in your thread. And by reaching out here, you are showing you want help. Life might suck sometimes, but it's YOUR life! Just think about that. This is your life, and you can do and achieve whatever you want with it. Try to find some counseling in your area, and get back into school. Pour all of your energy into focusing on school and getting yourself better, and I guarantee you will be feeling differently about all this in a few months. Good luck Hun.

[Illusion93]

i can't get any counseling, been asking everywhere i'm put on a really long waitlist

 

i've been depressed for 8 years, spent most of that time alone in my room, isolated from outside world, i'm too scared to fail so death seems easier, but now i fail that too...

the depression limits me too much, i cant even study even though i want to, i get paralyzed when fearing failure i really cant do anything

[pippy longstocking]

Hi Illusion ,

 

first of all I wish you a big lovely happy birthday , it may only be from cyber space , but it is sent with kindness xx

 

I was on your last thread and it was very evident you do have some serious issues with your ex and your desire to get back with him .

 

you gave the inpression you did see someone for help

 

My entire family and my shrinks all know that this is the one guy i'll never let go of, and i dont even want to anyway.

 

and as many posters said to you back then , your desire to get back with him is unhealthy and dangerous for yourself .

 

I get the impression from both threads that , yes , your life indeed is very isolated , so you're computer relationship with this man became your whole life , and now that has gone you feel like you are left with nothing .

 

I don't think the other forums etc you said mean to give the impression that no one cares , but I have to say with kindness darling , that many pages where covered last time on your ex and your refusal to hear anything or reason with anything might be the reason why eventually people become reluctant to offer advice .

 

why did your party get cancelled and why did you get locked out ?

 

I am sorry your feeling so low xxx

[pippy longstocking]

are you ok ?

 

can you meet up with your friends today and just have some company for your special day

[Illusion93]

i dont have any friends to meet up with

 

and my ex has never been my entire life, my life worked better during that period, that's all, he was one source to happiness, but far from the only one, but i want him back because life is so much better when sharing it with him

[pippy longstocking]

i dont have any friends to meet up with

 

and my ex has never been my entire life, my life worked better during that period, that's all, he was one source to happiness, but far from the only one, but i want him back because life is so much better when sharing it with him

 

oh I can relate , it's funny isn't it ... we have to be able to live and exist on our own , we would be a sad bunch if we couldnt enjoy what life has to offer without the opposite sex ..but ....a person comes along who enhances everything we do , everything we are .

 

I am a lot older than you , but I too found someone , he was the first man ever to actually support me with love and no agenda ... to love my daughter , simply because he did , and life was so much sweeter with him ...

 

so in that respect , most of us here know how it feels to suffer that loss .

 

you never said what happened about the party ..can that be fixed ?

[Illusion93]

no it cannot i live at home and mum called my grandparents (the only one who would care to come) and cancelled it because she's mad at me

for 8 years i've been hoping life will get better, and still i get proved wrong, it's no use even trying anymore

[pippy longstocking]

oh I'm sorry your mum did that , it doesn't sound like the life a 20 yr old should be having .

[SooSad33]

Hi Illusion,

 

(((Hugs))) I Know you're going thru a very hard time today- of all days, your birthday... so sorry. * Happy Birthday*

 

In ways, I get the feeling your mom is under some pressures as it's normal to have issues with our children more often then not- emotional ones with our teens. I have a cpl of those.. I understand.

 

I also understand how you feel, being in the position you're in. Being that age, dealing with depression, etc.

What I don't understand is how you can be thrown out of such things as some much needed help at a time like this.

You said you've deal with crisis lines? Do you see the info posted at top of this page?

 

are you on any anti depressants right now?

Not sure of your location? In the States? because, really, they should not be pushing you away at this time.

Have you or can you get to a hospital?

As for places to stay.. can you search for hostels in your area?

I wish I could reach out to you right now & help you. I am sorry to hear of your present condition. No, it's not easy, I understand. I also deal with depression. It also began when I was your age.. back in my teen years.

I am now mid 40's. It's been a battle over & over but I'm still here.

 

For now...today, this is your battle. There has to be some kind of assistance or support for you out there.

How about going to a church? They offer a lot and can look at helping you with a few things. (food brochures.. maybe help you find a place to stay? Help you look into some assistance?)

 

Maybe give that a try, okay...

Am thinking of you and with you in spirit.. if only possible this way.

 

Pls let us know.. IF you are able to get some further help...