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Is she really gone?


sadsadguy

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Hi,

 

My first post here. I have read many helpful posts here, but still posting my query hoping to get few more helpful replies.

Sorry it is a long post.

 

I am 24 and my gf 22 are in relationship for last 4 yrs. With all usual ups and down of relationships, we were having a good time with each other, care, love, respect, romance, late night chats, dates. I got transferred to a different city 6 months ago for my job and my gf got admission into an MBA college (her FIRST CO-ED COLLEGE) 4 months ago, so now we are in different cities. Everything was cool, she used to miss me so much, she would even cry on phone that she wants me to come back coz she feels alone, college friends are not very friendly and so misses me. I assured her I will be back soon and things went well.

 

Since September, her behavior became weird. She stopped receiving my calls in college, at home she would say she has a lot of assignments to do so she can not talk very long. I understand she has pressure of studies, she has exams every month and weekly assignments & projects to do. We started having fight over time, whenever she did not pick call I would be very angry and call her again & again (my mistake). This would make her angry, there were days when she did not talk to me for 2 days because of her work and irritation. Almost weekly fights over it, sometimes I say sorry sometimes she would say sorry. She said she would take care now but after 1-2 days things went same way.

Its not only me, she even felt irritated when her sister or father would call her. She felt we are trying to treat her like small child, she is big girl who can take care of her and does not want repeated calls.

This month I planned to go back to my hometown and meet her. She was so excited to hear my plan, she said could not wait for the day when I would be there. Finally the day came and we met, I talked her about all the things that happened in past 2 months, her behavior etc. She was sorry and feeling bad. I was seeing her new phone and found out that she had deleted some whatsapp conversation from her college group because she was flirting with a guy in that, i felt deeply offended that she deleted it. I was angry and she tried to make it upto me. She hugged me said sorry & said that she was just trying to be playful with friends nothing else.

 

Things were normal + tensed for 1-2 days between us because I was upset for that issue, on 3rd day she stopped talking to me for no reason. When I talked to her at night after lot of efforts she said she is depressed about her life, she wants time, she does not have feelings for me, she is feeling frustrated in this relationship, she cant imagine future with me, she does not like giving answers to anyone, she wants her life back. This leaves me confused what happened to her suddenly. I talked to her sister, she said she feels irritated with her too esp if she asks her questions about her life.

 

As per my friend's suggestion i just sent her plain text that i am always there for her as friend and called her once every two days to assure I am there for her. She had exams this week, so she blocked me on whatsapp and facebook too. She changed passwords of her gmail, yahoo, fb accounts. She wants to completely cut off from me.

 

For last 7 days I have not called/texted her so that she can have her space. Her whatsapp status suggests that she is sad and unhappy with life in general (nothing particular about me). I discussed it with my friends and one of my friend says leave her coz you are not meant for each other. Other says just because it is my first love, I am trying to stretch a dead relationship. I on other hand want to reconcile with her, want to know her problems and find solution. I just feel that she is under lot of study pressure, and moreover this is the first time she is in a co-ed school so she might be comparing me with guys in her group.

 

There are so many mixed feelings, I love her so much and she loves me a lottt. She was never like this, it is completely opposite to what she usually is. I am eager to talk to her but I want her to call/text me first because I also want to feel that she is missing me.

 

What to do

 

Edit: I must also add that I sometimes ask her lot of questions because i feel insecure about the boys in her college group. 1-2 of them have confessed to her that they like her, she on the other hand has rejected both of them straight away saying she is not interested.

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Sorry. It's over. At least for now. She obviously doesn't want any contact with you right now. I know it's hard to see this right now, but she's doing you a favor by blocking you.

Follow the advice you can find elsewhere on these fora: Make sure you're getting good food, sleep and exercise. Go out. Have fun - at least so far as you can. Flirt with other girls. It gets better. I promise.

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I think she is growing up and you two are growing apart. She is probably feeling lots of different emotions that are conflicting: missing the relationship with you, attractions to other men, desires to travel, etc etc.

 

The best thing to do is to let her go. In a few years she may come back to try again.

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She can't miss you if you don't go away.

 

Stop texting, stop calling, most importantly stop stalking her online!

 

It's good (even if it doesn't feel good) that she's blocked you on all those social media sites -- you don't need to watch what's going on in her life right now, because it's not going to help you feel better. She's blocked you so she can be free to flirt with other guys. You don't need to torture yourself with that information.

 

I know you feel this is happening for no reason, but you must respect what she's told you:

 

"Things were normal + tensed for 1-2 days between us because I was upset for that issue, on 3rd day she stopped talking to me for no reason. When I talked to her at night after lot of efforts she said she is depressed about her life, she wants time, she does not have feelings for me, she is feeling frustrated in this relationship, she cant imagine future with me, she does not like giving answers to anyone, she wants her life back. This leaves me confused what happened to her suddenly. I talked to her sister, she said she feels irritated with her too esp if she asks her questions about her life."

 

She's telling you her feeling are gone and she feels smothered by you. Whether or not this is permanent, you need to believe her. Give her space now and don't try to make any contact.

 

Right now it's got to be about YOU and YOUR life -- the more you obsess about her, the unhappier you're going to be. In time she may come back on her own, but she may not. So you need to assume this is it, it's over, and try to accept that.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting and good luck!

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Thanks that you took time to read such long post.

 

@Doofus, you've said something I wanted not to no matter how true that is Yes this could be over, but i cant stop thinking that I can make things work again.

 

@Darcy, Yes, this is what I think. She is going through lots of changes. I was always there when she was sad or in trouble, and even today I want to help her in this time.

 

@sharky, yeah I have stopped contacting her at all. I never had thought things can be so complicated in relationships, I am attributing all this mess to my job shift. This different city has brought so much gap between us. Thanks for such explanatory post.

 

I know best thing would be to let her go and that is what I am doing. But somewhere deep down I want her back, desperately. I wonder what are her days like now, what is last thing on her mind before she falls asleep, Does she miss me and good times with me even for once a day, Does she expect me to call/msg her once.

There are so many gals out there, but I feel like home when I think my life with her

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Sounds like she IS majorly pressured at this time and in time has gotten into her comfort zone of being there in college.

Was a difficult change at first, but she's okay now.

As well, she's exposed to many other new people as well, yes.

 

Could be possible that she's seeing this all in a new light. The possibilities.. wanting to 'hang' out with the other college freinds.. etc.

So- she's withdrawn from you now and turning the other cheek, sadly.

Too bad she's reacting the way she is though. And does sound like she wants to be left alone from everyone and as if she HAS grown up- is now a 'big girl'. No hounding needed.

 

Sorry if it's gotten this way. But does seem like she wants her 'freedom'.

Give her time, alone. Dont bother her for a while. Dont call her- she can call you. Give her that freedom.

 

Who knows? She may end up calling you soon.. as she 'settles' down more in time, or she won't. hard to say.

Again, sorry for your pain.

tc

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Hey all,

 

I was unable to post replies here due to some technical problem in my account.

Thanks that you all 4 took time to read my long post, I know 'not-contacting' without any expectation is the only possible thing I can do right now, and that is what I have been doing for last 8 days.

 

Meanwhile something happened, just an hour ago she unblocked me from Whatsapp and sent me "Hiii". I am so happy but little confused.

I did not want to pressurize her in any way, so instead of talking about all relationship stuff I just asked about her exams, family, health and normal things. She although during this chat asked me again 'r u seriously ok?' I said 'ya i am ok'.

Just after 10-15 lines of chats we wished goodnight to each other. We both were polite to each other, I did not want to sound desperate or sad or angry, I thought all that may repel her.

 

It is obviously a positive sign that she sends me message. I am confused how do i progress now, should i message her next, should i call, when is good time to talk about relationship stuff etc.

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Well, in that case what should I do. Cold replies, ignore messages or what? Provided, I want her to come back too but not at the cost of my dignity. I want her back only if she feels void without me in her life.

 

Edit: I dont want to directly ask her "so what brings you back?" but I still want the answer to this question from her. How do i do that. I am feeling so naive, so posting my emotions here because many of you are mature enough to guide in correct direction.

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You should be going No Contact so she's not able to friendzone you or keep you on the backburner as a Plan B.

 

That's what No Contact is for -- so you can move on and heal and avoid all these agonizing mixed signals and mind games.

 

IF she ever changes her mind and wants to be with you, she'll tell you. You won't have to guess or figure out what her motives are.

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She has blocked me again.

I realize now, I had talked to her sister last week asking about her well being. That time her sister felt I am sad, maybe she had insisted my gf to talk to me atleast once thats why she unblocked me for a chat.

I am in complete strict NC and will message her sister not to mention anything about me from now on.

 

The prediction was not completely false, atleast my world ended in 2013

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am completely on NC for last 2 weeks. But when I retrospect I realize that maybe I was wrong too. I fought a lot with her because she was not giving me time, on her birthday(Sep mid) I ranted so so much because of lack of quality time that if I re-read our chats for that day, I myself feel shame. Its not that its my nature, I have always been loving, caring, helping, supporting, confidence booster and I have forgiven so many big things in past 4yrs.

 

Also pre-marital sex is not acceptable to any of us (there is nothing fishy here, we want to do it with each other but post marriage), but still i could have cuddled her more. I could have been more affectionate physically. I feel sad that maybe I was wrong, this could be the reason she finds other boys attractive or she finds other couples better than us. What is your take on it?

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I totally agree.

 

But lets say for moving on and to be a better person I too should retrospect and look for my faults. Thats what brings so many thoughts to my mind that I was not probably 'enough' affectionate or did not show her as much appreciation as she wanted, because those are the reasons a girl would be more attracted to other guys.

When I see profiles of my friends these days, I realize they show much more affection to their gf. They go to ceremonies together, upload pics on fb, they meet each other's friends, go on double dates. Being with me my gf has missed all such things.

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Hello,

I am the same age as your girl.. I want to start off by saying do not let anyone tell you what you should or should not do. Always fight for what you want even if it may be difficult.

I think often it's easy to get lost in a relationship as a girl due to the stress of life in itself. The first thing that I think needs to occur is you need to be happy with your own self and confident. I go to college and the last thing I would want in a partner is insecure questions asked to me, it's added stress I DO NOT need.

I think it's over for now but not forever, that's my honest opinion. The biggest thing you need to do is be happy with your own self and hope for the best but expect the worst.

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You are right. Being insecure screwed it, but she used to be type of girl who wanted me to know where is she all the time. She has changed suddenly, but changes are inevitable and no one can be blamed.

Going out with friends, group jokes, short trips, upload more of her pics... all this was always missing in her life. She always wanted a bunch of friends like this and now when she is getting all this, she does not want anyone to treat her like a small girl not even her sister/father. I understand, and just letting her go is the only way left for me. \

 

Thanks for your advice

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  • 4 weeks later...

She unblocked me on WA for 2 days (12 days ago), we exchanged only couple of lines. I was totally neutral, no contact afterwards.

 

Yesterday her WA status was something like "I am missing you.. Waiting for day when you will be here". Then a pic of broken heart on display. I am "assuming" these are related to me, but I am blocked and she has not tried to contact yet. Is there anything I should do or continue NIC?

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I've been reading your posts. What she is doing right now is realllyyyyy dangerous for you. She is trying to feel "ok" for the way she threated you.

 

Just tell this girl "I agree with you about the decision to break up, I really believe it was the best thing for both of us. I have some big decisions to make and i need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me during this time. I will be in touch when I am ready."

 

You've to get the control right now. Otherwise it will be to late. Don't let this girl friendzone you because of her personal issues.

 

No contact straight away.

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She unblocked me on WA for 2 days (12 days ago), we exchanged only couple of lines. I was totally neutral, no contact afterwards.

 

Yesterday her WA status was something like "I am missing you.. Waiting for day when you will be here". Then a pic of broken heart on display. I am "assuming" these are related to me, but I am blocked and she has not tried to contact yet. Is there anything I should do or continue NIC?

 

How old is she? It is very immature to do such things. Don't take the bait. She just wants all of the control right now.

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She is 22. She is not contacting me, I am blocked everywhere. Last contact was 12 days ago.

 

How would you differentiate between "She is trying to feel ok for the way she treated you" and "She must have started missing me after almost 2 months of breakup".

 

Edit: Since you talked about "how she treated me", I thought to tell you one more thing ->

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How would you differentiate between "She is trying to feel ok for the way she treated you" and "She must have started missing me after almost 2 months of breakup".

 

At 22, she most likely wants to be single for a while longer before settling down with anyone.

 

But to answer your question -- the way you differentiate is by LISTENING TO WHAT SHE TELLS YOU. If she says: "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together"..... that means she wants to get back together.

 

Everything else.... disregard it, she's just trying to make herself feel better.

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She is 22. She is not contacting me, I am blocked everywhere. Last contact was 12 days ago.

 

How would you differentiate between "She is trying to feel ok for the way she treated you" and "She must have started missing me after almost 2 months of breakup".

 

Edit: Since you talked about "how she treated me", I thought to tell you one more thing -> ]

 

I've read your post on there, and really it makes me sick.

 

You are blaming yourself for a lot of things. As long as you are YOU there is not wrong with who you are and what you do.

 

If she doesn't say "I want to get back together" everything else she is saying is just to make herself feel better.

 

Dude, you are a great guy. Otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum with a broken heart.

 

You have to go on with no contact. But you've to send the No contact message first. So you take control over your own feelings.

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Sharky, I dont know if you went through the link I gave in post #21. My stupidity and carelessness has contributed a lot to breakup, I started taking her for granted. So why would she say "I made a huge mistake". Mistakes were from both the sides, so I dont know if expecting only her to confess "I did huge mistake" is good. I am so unsure, I would love your input on that.

 

Jimboboy, I was 100% in respecting, loyalty, trust, friendship but missed every little thing that I mentioned in post. Its not that I am insensitive to all those feelings, but I was just too okay because relationship was steady. I stopped putting those efforts and infact became clingy/controlling. I am in NC and would be in same until January ends atleast.

 

Yes she is behaving immature, probably to catch my attention. Changing her status to "missing you" and now "enjoying". I wish we could read minds

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