So I messed up-but not too badly (Continuation of online dating and sex story)

[DatingSucks]

So I'm writing this new post as a continuation off my last thread. I want some insight from the guys, why guys do this/ I also just want you ladies a heads up....

 

 

 

So I was on here last week about this guy that wanted to sleep with me but wouldn't get offline. I never slept with him, because I want some sort of commitment and don't want to give myself to someone who is possibly sleeping with others.

 

We concluded that he was using me to try to get in my pants despite countless hours of almost nightly phone talk, and multiple dates and sleep overs, over almost two months. I opted to let him go (this sucked because I did have feelings for him, but what else is a girl to do).

 

He called me on Weds, from work.....He kept me on the phone for over 40 minutes. After five days of almost complete silence he wanted to talk. He did a damn good job of it. He told me he wasn't ready for the talk the day I gave it to him. There were too many things bothering him. He said he was only still online because I was. He pretty much stated that he would take down the profile, He told me he kept silent because of the few texts I sent him, and I was so angry and this worried him. Also he needed to think. He told me he didn't want to waste what we had...and he was pretty damn convincing. He told me I made nothing but accusations and none of it was true. He asked for forgiveness.

 

Now over the last 40 days I have raked up over 80 hours of phone time with this guy. I have also spent a lot of time with him in person. It seemed like a tremendous effort to get in my pants as it was, now he gives me this huge speech. Could I have been wrong? I started to question.....I told him I needed to think.

 

So now for the next two days we talk on the phone like normal. Except on Friday when a phone call turns things astray, again. I'm not faultless here, but it doesn't warrant what was to come.

 

So I went out to happy hour and I probably had one or two more than I should have. I drunkenly invited him to meet us, he didn't. I get home and this man calls me, I am drunk, like seeing doubles drunk.

 

We talk anyway....then somehow the conversation went bad. Partially my fault, because I was drunk and things that seem like a good idea to say at the time usually are not. I went to bed, felt embarrassed about the phone talk the next morning, and wrote an explanation and apologized.

 

It was actually probably one of the most open, honest, sweet, and well worded apology/explanations I have ever given anyone. I felt it deserved some response, even if a negative one. I'm back on the silent treatment now, even after how I said it bothered me on the Wednesday phone call, and he said he understood. I have spent most of today hung over, and emotionally unsure AGAIN.

 

So I had some friends over in the evening and managed to occupy myself. After they leave I go to look at his online profile, which he still has not taken down,but i figured he would when we decided what we wanted to do. I still had mine up too, but I noticed something different about it this time though. He lost 8 years from 36 to 29. What a scum bag.

 

Fool me once, fool me twice, but not a THIRD time!

 

In all honesty i'm pretty mad at myself for falling twice, but i'm happy it didn't last long enough to meet face to face. I am not sure why he put in so much effort to get me back just to give me the silent treatment again, and this. Retribution?

 

So when he finds this younger girl, does he think she will not notice?

 

This was supposed to be my dating an older more mature man experience (he's 5 years older), instead it just because an experience that I want to forget. Sigh....

 

I don't get the point of anything again. I just want to forget it, but I have this unquenchable urge to understand.

[Regen]

This guy has the characteristics of a complete scumbag. Anyone who lies about their age and their height just SCREAM insecurity. He's a liar and is not comfortable in his own skin.

 

That being said, the online profile thing is understandable. Unless you guys are official, I wouldn't expect him to take down the profile. In the thread I just posted myself, I am in that pre-relationship phase. The almost but not quite there. I'm pretty sure mine is over, but we both still have our online profiles. I was willing to delete it at any time, but at the same time i asked myself, "why does she still have hers up?". For all I know, she never deleted hers because I never deleted mine. It's a weird little game but it happens when you're not completely official.

 

Oh and that "older guy more mature" thing is a total myth. It probably works up til the age of 27-28. After that a guy is who he is for the rest of his life. Some guys probably 25 and up. But to date a single guy at 35 and expect some kind of amazing maturity is a little naive. Not gonna happens. He's probably the same douche he was 10 years ago and no amount of time is going to change that.

 

Sorry to hear about your experience and hope you find someone right for you.

[missmarple]

I used to be like you, in the sense that I always needed to understand, to have closure of some sort. It took me many years to realize that, in some cases, it's best to just move on. This guy has fooled you too many times already. Tell yourself 'enough', delete his name from everything and move on.

[PaintWithLight]

Your post is pretty cryptic. What exactly happened that you regret? Did you sleep with him? Have phone sex?

 

It is good that you learned from this. Once the sex merely became an issue of you "getting some kind of commitment from him" before you gave in, he doubled down accross the board. He increased the amount of phone contact to a crazy level because he realized this was his way to "prove" to you his seriousness. Of course, phone calls are not dates, they really only took a minimal effort yet you gave him full credit for them.

 

Also, what is up with the multiple sleep overs if you are not ready to have sex but he has made it clear that he wants to? This throws down a gauntlet challenge to the guy. In his mind,he has you 90% there, he just needs to continue to dazzle you. And he does this by phone while still having enough free time to date and pursue other women. A guy who just calls and texts is really putting in just the bare minimum.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to take responsibility for not ignoring him. It is a little simplistic to say that all he wants is to get in your pants ... there are a lot of reasons people give others the push pull.

 

All you need to know is that he is not going to give you the relationship that you want. Trying to understand why is a sign you are not ready to let go.

 

Take heed from the folks giving you advice. You so not want to waste twenty years on guys like this and end up single and trying to explain to young women why they should not do the same.

[goodheartlady]

I hate to say this but you sound like you ENJOYED the drama to some degree. You liked the attention he provided you over the phone. You proactively engaged this man in the drama.

[DatingSucks]

So I agree with Pants, phone time is probably a really good way to put in minimal effort to get know someone but make it feel like more. He was always a phone guy. I don't think it increased after the sex fact. He was a talker from day one. Before our first date we already had a lot of phone time in. I can understand why it was a part of his game.

 

I didn't enjoy the drama part that good heart mentioned. I just wanted to be wrong. Before everything that happened over the last week went down, I was happy, and I was really starting to like this guy a lot. This week has been terrible for me, and it is not a way I want to feel often. All of the stress and games. No thank you!

 

 

Not only is he a liar, and a scumbag, he is a coward too in my opinion. Once you invest a certain amount of time in someone you just don't walk away and give them the silent treatment. I get it after a date or two, fine, but this is unacceptable. Especially because I went out of my way to write him a nice apology. It doesn't matter if I sent too many drunk texts or said something wrong at least have the decency to tell me this isn't working.

 

Just left feeling shocked and disappointed again when I was finally getting over this.

 

I'm not sure i'll hear from this man again, he back on the site full swing, but if I do, it is my turn not to respond to him. There will not be a third time.

[Jeffbobo]

From a guys perspective...

 

Does this guy have a life outside of you? Eighty frick'n hours on the phone plus seeing you and all the texting? Good God... What the hell? Lol.

 

Attempting to look at both sides of the equation, I'll speculate...

 

First, understand that we all want to get in your pants. Fact of life. If I look at your profile, am interested and contact you, I've already thought about what it would be like to have sex with you every which way. Now how I proceed at that point is another matter. This is courtship or as someone else had put it, the push/pull game. He pushes, you pull away, you push, he pulls away. One of the basic laws of attraction. Everyone wants what they can't have and it works on this level if each person sees value in one another.

 

Now it *could* either be that...

1. This guy pushed too hard, too fast, he was too easy and it really was no challenge for you. He got frustrated and said screw this, I'm putting in the time and effort and she's not putting out. She hasn't taken her profile down so why should I? Again, screw it, I'm going to find someone easier.

2. He was what I'd like to call, "fast in, fast out". Meaning, he came on strong, things escalated, you perhaps gave in (pulled too much and you're too easy), he got what he wanted, which was a boost to his ego to pursue more desirable woman.

 

Either way, the courtship game on the way to a potential relationship(if that's what was truly the goal on both sides) was played wrong.

[DatingSucks]

He said one of the things he liked about me was how easy I was to talk to. That is why we talked so much. He claimed to never talk that much with anyone. (who knows if that was true).

 

As for wanting a relationship....I think that was a lie. In my mind, if he was into me like he said he was, if he really wanted me back, this would not have happened. I took him back despite what happened last week. I gave him a second chance. Why, because I wanted a relationship with him. I don't think a drunk phone call, and a maybe 5 too many texts after said call would turn me off of someone I was into, at least not to the point where I would shun them and give them a silent treatment. Especially after I knew they were drunk, and the very open and honest apology I sent him the next day. I also wouldn't go back onto the dating site full swing and change my age. That proved that he is willing to lie. (apparently that didn't work out because now he is 36 again).

 

I don't think he wanted anything more than control, a phone buddy, temp companionship, and some sex. He just put way more effort into this than anyone I have ever met. In the process he left me feeling bad. I hope other females will read my experience and avoid this if they should meet anyone like this.

[Batya33]

I got the clear impression from your post that you have a habit of placing the blame on others, on alcohol, etc rather than taking responsibility for your choices. It's so important you learn how to do that, stop indulging in blaming external people or things and if I were you I'd cut wayyy back on drinking because you seem to be choosing alcohol to avoid responsibility for your actions.

 

I don't think this man sounds like a good match for you and I think you will meet better matches once you make better choices for yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I got the clear impression from your post that you have a habit of placing the blame on others, on alcohol, etc rather than taking responsibility for your choices. It's so important you learn how to do that, stop indulging in blaming external people or things and if I were you I'd cut wayyy back on drinking because you seem to be choosing alcohol to avoid responsibility for your actions.

 

I don't think this man sounds like a good match for you and I think you will meet better matches once you make better choices for yourself.

 

I agree. Personal responsibility is a lost art.

[DatingSucks]

Actually I think I took plenty of the blame in the first thread and even in this one. Even the title says I messed up.

 

As for the drinking, just because I happened to be drunk during this incident, I don't think it is safe to assume that it is a habit of mine, or something that I do frequently, because I don't.

 

As for accepting blame and drinking. If I just wanted to blame it on drinking I could have. I wrote an apology, that stated how embarrassed I was by it and I covered other things that happened. So I don't understand where I am not taking blame.

 

Lastly the point of this thread was to update, and understand why this man did what he did, because I feel hurt by that. I think I have made it very clear that I understand that he is bad, and I am not giving him a third chance. I don't understand why people keep telling me to move on or that he is not right for me.

[Batya33]

I agree you took some responsibility. I'll address the last point you made.

 

"This was supposed to be my dating an older more mature man experience (he's 5 years older), instead it just because an experience that I want to forget. Sigh....

 

I don't get the point of anything again. I just want to forget it, but I have this unquenchable urge to understand."

 

 

This was not a dating experience this time around. This was you interacting with a near stranger mostly while you were drunk and did not involve going on proper dates. I think that's all there is to be understood about this experience. He acted like a jerk and you chose to give him more than one chance to act like a jerk and chose to be drunk during interactions that could have given you relevant information had you chosen not to interact with him while drunk. You invited him to meet you while you were drunk and while you were with other people. You're lucky, for your own safety, that he declined.

[DatingSucks]

Whoa where are you getting that I always met him drunk. You painted this entire alcoholic from my one drunk call statement. This was the one time I was drunk throughout every interaction we had in two months. We went on a ton of proper dates, and I was never drunk on any of them. I don't think he was unsafe, maybe not a goof candidate for a relationship, but he's not some weirdo who would take advantage of me.

 

P.S. He called

[Batya33]

I did not write that you were drunk all the time, not at all. But here's what you wrote about this guy

 

and my refusal to go all the way has caused some friction. I know he is still shopping around. It feels bad knowing he signs onto his dating profile within an hour of sleeping over, but how much worse would it feel if I had slept with him and then saw him online. I respect myself too much for that.

 

"After what felt like a e mid day booty call text message earlier this week, I tried to end the relationship, because I thought that it was apparent that he was just trying to get in my pants. He called later that night and said that he wasn't going to stop talking to me because of a misunderstanding (the text booty call). The thought of not talking to me made him sad. I then explained that I didn't want to sleep with him while we were still dating other people. He seemed to understand at the time. (MIXED MESSAGE)"

 

It sounds like despite proper dates he has pressured you all along to have sex and sent you inappropriate texts. And now this. That's why I write that this doesn't count as a traditional dating situation. He might not be a weirdo but given his focus on sex I would stay sober when you interact with him.

[DatingSucks]

Ok well I don't plan on going out with him again anyway. He called I picked up I was interested to hear what he had to say, I wanted my questions answered for my own sanity. I really feel disgusted by this guy now. I know his intentions aren't right. He calls then he sends a weird random text and then ignores me. I plan to just leave it and let it fade out. I'm not going to see him again. I don't want to. I know too much, more than he knows I know. I am also am pretty sure he's back to online dating full force, and we know he lied about his age for a day?

 

No way, don't want this guy, but thanks for you concern.

[Me82]

Ok He calls then he sends a weird random text and then ignores me.

 

I dont get why you keep in contact with this guy. You should block his number and never check his online profile to see "what age he choose to be today".

You probably liked the idea of who you thought he was, but unfortunately he has proven not to be the guy you are looking for, I really hope you ignore ANY text or phone call from him. Just let go you deserve better. Understanding why is not important right now.

[goodheartlady]

Yes, why do you still engage this person?? He clearly has issues and yet you continue to pick up the phone and respond: I maintain that you enjoy the drama. I suggest you learn to go "no contact".