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I feel like I should get out


RainyCoast

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Hi guys,

I meat a wonderful guy a little over a year ago. He told me last week that he had a MAJOR chrush on me last year, that it lasted several months. I actually felt the same for him but because he was moving to a different country at the time and because he seemed very reserved (and because I have an incredible inferiority complex and find it hard to believe people would develop strong feelings for me) I did my best to act as a friend- though everyone noticed and commented that we appearantly had feelings for each other.

 

It turns out he felt "friendzoned" though I really didn't want that, I was really thinking he would friendzone me if i openly told him i was in love with him and i didn't wanna lose him so i decided i bettle settle for being friends even if it meant secretly pining for him. He said the accidental friendzoning and moving away hurt him beyond anything and he neede to be away from everyone at the time, that he was too depresed to even talk to anyone etc. At the time when this was happening he deactivated his facebook profile, i left a note asking where he'd disappeared to on his youtube channel and tried calling a couple of times but got no answer (all this was last winter, after him moving away).

 

I took that as confirmation that he didn't think of me as someone "close" enough to talk to in times when he felt bad ( he disappears when he feels bad a lot, I just had no clue "losing me" was what caused the depression). The thing is, I never stopped having a crush on him. He came out of his seclusion after a few weeks and we chatted often and really really bonded, we have a lot in common- well, almost everything and have been very supportive of one another all this time. What has prevented me from ever admitting I was in love was his awkward connection with another girl whom he'd never met, but they seemed very close on facebook so i didn't want to be a third wheel. He said that at the time when he distanced himself from everyone, this girl included, the only one he talked to was another female friend who then told him she was in love with him but he kept rejecting her for a long time because he was busy getting over me. Eventually he said yes because he felt lonely, desperate (that's what he said) and they're still in a relationship.

 

This relationship sucks as i understand as he often complains to me about it although unspecifically. I don't know what exactly is wrong but he's unhappy and has, despite being in this girl often acted as if he was in love with me, which even other people noticed. I didn't exactly try to hide my feelings about him because,frankly, i can't. But i didn't make a flamboyant display of them either as i don't want to drool over a guy who's taken or humiliate myself so i kept it all as friendly as i could, sort of as to make it clear i wouldn't but into anyone's relationship. Now, this girl on facebook didn't seem to have a problem with him dating someone or being appearantly unusually close to me ( he often said he never felt that way for anyone). They frequently chat on facebook and either tag or post on another's wall- but not "friendly" posts. These posts are no less than explicit love statements, paintings of people passionately embracing or kissing, wonderful love poems etc.

 

He has a large "fanclub" of women on his page although he mostly ignores them, except this girl. He used to be very nice to me, often told me he loved me and that i meant a lot. But what he had with this girl was obviously different so i understood i was in the friendzone. All this platonic bonding with women on his part makes me feel uneasy and when he told me abut his crush on me last year i told him that. I also said i was very sorry he was so hurt then and that i was unaware that he was in love with me (he said he was trying to let me know but he's shy so it may have gone misinterpreted on my part- i kinda often though he was flirting but more like....i dunno...for fun?

 

I know a lot of guys who do that and i didn't wanna be just 'fun'. i didn't think there were strong feelings on his part.) something i said in our last chat must've been very wrong because he's been avoiding me since. I really think he resented me telling him that he seems too comfortable with female attention to be taken very seriously when he tells me I mean a lot. If he still had feelings for me, why is he still with his girlfriend (okay, so i live in a different country,he can't date me, i grant him that) and why is he openly flirting (it's beyond flirting, you should see it) with that facebook chick? It just sounds like he really craves female attention and i feel like i need a wall around me and not tell him i'm in love with him because he'd never make me THE girl, and especially not the ONLY girl.

 

He said he hasn't been in love with me since that thing last year and that he loves me but differently (friendzone, folks) but he frequently asks a mutual friend about me in a way that implies that's not the complete truth. the other day my friend told him i was out with a guy but he forgot to mention this guy was a relative. well my friend reacted like it was the end of the world, like i'd betrayed him, like i'd hurt him immensly and even told me he would no longer "bother me" etc, until i explained that i'd merely met a cousin for coffee. I'm such an introvert and like being home alone. He knows that and i think he counts on me staying alone as if he's enjoying the fact that there are women out there who'll date no one if they're not dating him...I really often feel like i just serve the purpose of feeding his ego and needless to say, i'm hurt all the time about it. I really feel like i should take this opportunity of him not leaving any messages for me since that conversation to get outta this "Confusion Zone".

 

At the same time, i have extremely strong feelings for him, not merely romantic, i really enjoy knowing him and if it weren't for this taste of 'hidden crush' in our relationship it'd be perfect. I wanna get over my feelings and come back when i'm done with that and am hoping that when i do, he'd agree that we could still be friends...I kinda get the feeling he doesn't even want that any more though...That's the horrible part...I'd love to have a person like that in my life..Apart his confusion about female attention he's the most wonderful person i know. Any suggestions, I don't trust my own judgement right now...Should I still just suck it up and forget about him forever? 4ever ever? Sounds horrible to me but should i anyway? I don't know which would hurt more, never being friends again or getting used to his behaviour and hoping it changes at least a bit or...or...or...

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This is my impression of the guy. He's an a** AND he seems to love the whole game of having a large pack of women who pine for him, but (sigh, moan, hand to the forehead) he just can't be bothered, he's been too hurt, he's just not this, he's just too that. (Why do I hear Jewel's song "Foolish Games" playing in the background as his theme song?)

 

I hate to tell you this, but this guy is playing all of you like a cheap violin. Every single woman who comes into his orbit is getting much the same treatment and each of you is likely thinking, "Oh, if only I hadn't, if only that thing didn't happen the way it did, we'd be together. He even says so." So you called him on his crap and he didn't like it? Too bad, maybe he should stop playing games. If he really wanted you and he wasn't damaged or into playing head games he'd just have taken the opportunity that keeps presenting itself. Try to realize you don't want or deserve the poor, tortured soul routine from anyone you're going to have a serious relationship with and move on. This guy probably even monologues to himself about the amazing life he's someday going to write a book about or the amazing music he'll one day create, but first he--and whoever is around him--must suffer all the sad indignities of life.

 

Just move on and find someone nice and normal who doesn't enjoy the whole, "Come here, now I'll go on incessantly about how you've wounded me while I figuratively backhand you every chance I get," type of a person. You deserve someone who knows how to just say "I like you, let's get together and see where this goes," instead of the guy who keeps blaming you for his own issues. And yes you should bail, as fast as you can for the nearest exit from him.

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Thank you both so much, that's what i thought. It feels bad leaving but not as bad as a year of drama...lol paris that was spot on actually and yes, he's gotten round to making the music- the soundtrack to his ineffable pain truth be told he's had a very difficult past few years and althought i understand the "damage" i don't think it's fair that i should suffer it from him. Think i do deserve a vacation from all the theatre and yes, i agree, i can't take a person seriously if they stop to piss at every hidrant on the way to where i'm waiting for them. Thanks again guys, i needed to hear that, it suddenly makes leaving easier. Guess i'm gonna miss him but not his perpetual rejection

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