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Hurt everyone close to me, feel absolutely terrible


Haytham

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I'm in way over my head here, and I've decided to reach out. I'm in a personal crisis and I'm not sure how to deal with it. This is long so thanks for reading. I hope it's not rambling, I've been quite upset as I've been writing it.

 

I'm 23 years old and have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. We were each others firsts for everything. We've had a mostly stable relationship and both get along really well with each others families. I could definitely have seen myself marrying her in the future. However, there have always been issues. Chiefly among these was that she was often cold and distant, and that she had a very low sex drive. We also live a long way from each other, and it makes seeing each other often difficult and draining. I had always thought I could accept these things, and everything trundled along, but I still felt hurt each time she rejected me. I knew that was the way she was, and there was no changing it.

 

But, recently I'd begun talking more to a female friend of mine. We've been friends for a long time, and we've always been able to talk about almost anything. But it was always innocent. Now though, I felt quite lonely as my gf never wanted to talk much on the phone, which meant I only saw her once per week and talked maybe twice per week for about 10 minutes on the phone. This girl was an amazing to talk to. Before I knew it we were spending hours and hours each night talking, often until 2am or later. I was buggered at work each day but I felt so happy knowing I had a great person to talk to. We developed an emotional affair, and both admitted that we had feelings growing for the other. This is unsurprising, as we briefly hooked up in the past (kissing only), but nothing came of it. However that intense physical chemistry was always there.

 

I was under a lot of stress, trying to figure out what to do. At this point my heart was completely torn between these two people. One was the calm comfort of my girlfriend, and the other was this exciting new girl. I'd never experienced this before, I had no idea it was possible to have feelings for more than one person. I've met up with my friend a few times, as friends only. Until last week when we just started kissing. We didn't have sex, but boundaries were crossed. I don't think I've ever felt such strong feelings toward someone. She is such a sweet, wonderful girl. I was certain I would have to break up with my girlfriend, which would be no small task. I met up with my girlfriend and told her everything that happened, and that I didn't think I loved her anymore and couldn't be with her anymore. She just became so sweet toward me, and was so concerned. She said she understood me and forgave me for everything. In that moment I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't break up with the person who had been by my side for so many years. My resolution faltered I contacted my friend and I told her I was sorry for leading her on, and that I hoped we could still be friends. She said she didn't think we should be friends anymore.. at least not for a while.

 

That was my last contact with her and since then I feel so terrible. I feel terrible that I've lost a wonderful friend, and what's more is I feel I made the wrong decision. She's been on my mind non stop, and I've shed quite a few tears this weekend about this lost friendship (I barely ever cry). I had no idea my feelings were this powerful. My girlfriend has been like a rock throughout, and when she cuddled up next to me and said she loved me I just felt the lowest I have ever felt. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve someone who's not 100% committed to her. I told her this, and she still accepted it. If I break up with her now it would crush her spirit. But I just feel like my feelings have moved on, and as hard as I'm trying I don't think it will ever be the same. We had sex twice this weekend, something we'd never done before. I think she only did it because of how close we came to breaking up. My feelings are just so confused right now. A part of me just wants to call up the other girl and tell her I'm sorry and to please give me another chance. The other half wants to cling to my relationship, where nothing bad has really occurred it just.... feels so different.

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This is quite a situation. I'm sorry for the predicament you're in. But just from how you describe the relationship with your gf, it doesn't sound like you want to be with her anymore. You feel obligated to be with her, but you don't want to be with her. I don't really understand her reaction, which seems not-quite-real to me, as if she's being forgiving on the outside but she's probably got some anger on the inside (because who wouldn't be angry to hear their bf cheated on them in any way?). Despite her sudden surge of interest, she sounds detached and perhaps has low standards for what she expects out of a relationship. (Or maybe even, she's cheated on you and feels guilty about it, which is why she's so ready to forgive you? Don't get me wrong; forgiveness is ideal but giving it so quickly is a bit suspicious.)

 

Since the new girl is actually a long time friend, I'm not worried that you're just swept up with the excitement of a new relationship (although there's a little bit of that going on). You two know each other. If I were to nudge you in any direction, I'd suggest you do nothing for a week - but spend time considering what your life would be like without the gf and eventually with the old friend.

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You have had an emotional struggle to be able to make things work out with your gf..

But now, things have become easier for you as you've become close to another gal, who's become your emotional pillow.

 

YOU are at a vulnerable state and unstable in such a situation.

No- I suggest you do NOT call the other one up and try to get with her.. you're NOT even over this one!

this is where rebound relationships happen.

You're between two and all mixed up, don't bring them down because of YOUR problems.

 

Best thing for YOU? Is get away from BOTH and work on your own for a few months. Get over the break up you're planning on doing with your g/f FIRST.

This would NOT be fair to them or YOU (mentally & emotionally). See what i'm saying?

Don't act so selfish and deal with ONE thing at a time here.

 

Give everyone some space & time to accept & deal with this...

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You have had an emotional struggle to be able to make things work out with your gf..

But now, things have become easier for you as you've become close to another gal, who's become your emotional pillow.

 

YOU are at a vulnerable state and unstable in such a situation.

No- I suggest you do NOT call the other one up and try to get with her.. you're NOT even over this one!

this is where rebound relationships happen.

You're between two and all mixed up, don't bring them down because of YOUR problems.

 

Best thing for YOU? Is get away from BOTH and work on your own for a few months. Get over the break up you're planning on doing with your g/f FIRST.

This would NOT be fair to them or YOU (mentally & emotionally). See what i'm saying?

Don't act so selfish and deal with ONE thing at a time here.

 

Give everyone some space & time to accept & deal with this...

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I think if you really want this mess to be sorted out that you face what you should have done long ago--first break up with your current girlfriend. You seem to feel obligation towards her and are comfortable with her, but that's not love. And communication is a huge, huge part of a relationship along with sex. You didn't have enough or what you felt like was enough of either of those things with the girlfriend and just sort of decided you could get past that. But as you found you couldn't. So just be honest and tell her you are ending things, because as much as you love her it hasn't been working out for you since before the other girl came on to the scene. And end things and heal and learn to be able to ask for wha it is you do want in a relationship.

 

Now as to the second girl, do not contact her. Not even when you're free, not even for the next let's say year. Yes, I know that sounds horribly silly and all, but here's the thing. You yourself said she's new and exciting--not that she's a better match for you, not that you've loved her for a long time, just that she's knew and exciting. And she would give you a part of the pieces you were missing from your current relationship with the communication. What that means is when the newness and excitement dies down you may very well find yourself right back at square one with someone who is now little more than a roommmate to you. In fact, one day you may say to yourself, "Oh right, now I remember why I never just hooked up with her to begin with even when we both were single."

 

Do yourself a huge favor right now, break things off with both women, heal and learn how to be happy with yourself first. Then go out and date and find what type of a relationship will make you happy enough you won't find yourself turning to someone else to fill in blanks that shouldn't have been there in the first place. You don't want to hurt anyone, I understand. But the time to have not hurt someone was long before you placed an old friend in a very bad position and got all three of you hurt in the process. So do the right thing, end it with both women and figure out what you really want out of life. In the end all three of you will be far happier if you do that then to continue stringing the two of them along while you waffle around.

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