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Feeling miserable after breakup


alohalove18

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Here is the story in a nutshell.

 

My now exboyfriend and I were together for over 4 years. We started dating when we were 17. Naturally, we have grown up since then. I have always wanted kids, and he used to want kids until recently. He became dead-set on not having children in our future. This was a HUGE issue in our relationship. He also didn't want to move out of Texas, and I do. So again- another huge problem for the future. We broke up last year for about 8 months because I became unhappy in the relationship, but as soon as I broke it off, I was miserable. During that 8 months he was ALL I could think about. After 8 months of mourning, I texted him and we hung out and got back together. That leads me to where I am now.

 

Despite these 2 huge dilemmas, we were still madly in love. The 8 months apart brought us even closer together and I was more in love than I ever was. I thought maybe he was just going through a phase where he didn't want kids because we are still so young. Lots of guys change their minds about kids once they mature. Anyway, I have always been a Christian. I work on Sundays all day, so I have not been to church in a while. I have felt lately like I was losing my way with God. I also have felt this about my ex.

 

Well we were laying in bed after being intimate (something I have ALWAYS felt guilty for), and he asked me why I just wasn't turned on by him anymore (it is taking a lot to get me into the mood). I told him I felt guilty about having sex with him before marriage. From the beginning, I told him I didn't want to have sex before marriage, but I felt pressured and manipulated by him to do it because I knew it would make him happy. I told him this, and he was like "oh so now I'm a rapist??" I told him no, that's not at all what I was saying. It was my own fault that I let myself continue on with having pre-marital relations with him. We then got into a huge argument about religion. I told him I wanted us to start going to church together and that I felt we were falling off track with our faith. He then said church was stupid, that I was judging him, and called me an all-knowing Christian and that I need to get off my high horse. He begin to essentially mock my beliefs about church, and started laughing maniacally. I told him it sounded like he had demons in him, because it did. This pissed him off. I was already crying and extremely upset, and I just wanted to leave. I tried leaving his house, but he blocked the door and said he wasn't finishing this conversation if I left. But I was so angry and hurt that I just wanted to leave and take a breather. I pushed him out of the way and got in my car and left. 2 minutes later I turned my car around because I felt horrible about leaving the way I did. When I came back, he was gone. I texted him and he wants nothing to do with me now. He said the reason why people hate Christians are because of people like me. People who act like they know it all. I assured him that's not what I was saying. I was just worried about both me and him and wanted to start living more the way God wanted us to. He said I need to speak for myself and stay away from him. (His mom died of breast cancer when he was 13, and his parents got divorced when he was younger. I feel like he has a grudge against God and that is why he is the way he is now.)

 

This all happened on Tuesday night. We have been NC since Wednesday night. I am miserable. I know we were on different paths in life, but I still feel like crap. I don't want to do anything except sit in my bed, but that just depresses me. I have no friends that I want to hang out with. I feel so alone. I haven't hardly eaten since Tuesday and am starting to feel sick. I am trying to force myself to eat but it just makes me feel even worse. I have apologized to him for the way I talked to him and the things I said, but he said no matter how many times I apologize, he is always going to remember how I made him feel and the words that I said. I'm not really sorry for the things I said to him. Yeah, maybe I could have worded them a little nicer but in the heat of the moment I just blurted out whatever I was thinking, no filter at all. I wanted him to go to church with me, that was my whole point. I just don't know what to do. He blocked me on instagram, but kept me on facebook and twitter. He uses his twitter frequently throughout the whole day, so I don't understand why he kept me on that (not that I'm complaining). I still can't bring myself to put I'm single on facebook. It still says I'm in a relationship with him. I just want to start to feel okay. I know it's very soon, but I just needed to put this story out here. I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about what happened.

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You're not compatible. You are on different paths in life. You built a case of resentment, he changed his mind about a lifestyle choice, and evidently you two don't share the same religious and spiritual beliefs, and both of you are too passionate about your respective choices to make that kind of thing work. You can't drag a person to church that doesn't want to go nor believes, and he finds your beliefs laughable. That just will not work. Not up to either of you to carve the path for the other. It's a basic but HUGE incompatibility and lack of respect issue on both accounts.

 

It is also very, very difficult to go from a sexual relationship to none at all. I do not think most relationships would be able to survive that lifestyle change. Especially when there's other problems(you wanting children, he does not, spiritual clashes).

 

It just happened a few days ago, so cut yourself some slack. Get a little bit of food in you, even if it's just a couple crackers and cheese, some tea. Or maybe something like a nutrition shake, put it on lots of ice. You will only continue to feel worse if you don't eat. It affects your emotions far more than anyone would think.

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As much in love as you were - there were some unhealthy building blocks at the root of your relationship.

 

You were never comfortable having premarital sex - yet decided to go ahead with that level of intimacy for his sake. That made you feel like you were betraying your beliefs to keep the relationship going -which eventually, had to come out. And when it did, he reacted very badly, and gave you a look into a part of him it seems you hadn't really seen for all it was until then. He has very strong basic beliefs - why doesn't really matter - that are polar opposite from yours. You are very strongly Christian - and he's very anti-religion.

 

With the lack of compromise - while it hurts now, it's better to have had a firsthand view into just HOW opposite your beliefs run now. This would come up in your beliefs on what constitute and found a marriage. How to raise any potential children. How you as a family would view some holidays, spend time on weekends, etc.

 

Having different beliefs only works when both parties have honest respect and flexibility for the other's views. He has no respect for your beliefs, and your beliefs are a very important part of you. So you can't accept a partner who is completely closed off to being a part of your religion.

 

Sometimes being in love just isn't enough to keep a relationship healthy and growing, hon. Learn from this - that in the future, talk very openly to any guys you consider dating about your beliefs, and make sure there's respect and compatibility there. In the meantime - hold your head up, and work on loving yourself and re-establishing your relationship with your faith. See if you can mend that part of you that you felt you weren't giving proper attention to, and focus on being good to yourself.

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no matter how many times I apologize, he is always going to remember how I made him feel and the words that I said.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have to stop with the thinking you were the only one at fault here. How about the things he said to you and how they made you feel? Is he apologizing for any of that? The bottom line is there are some serious incompatibilities between the two of you that are things that just can't really be compromised or swept under the carpet. The day was coming when you'd both have to face this and now it's here. Be gentle, heal yourself, go full NC and when you've gotten through the worst stages you'll realize you are now free to live life the way you want to, not burying your own wishes and lifestyle goals for someone else. You already tried to compromise to make things work, but it doesn't sound like he did any of that and one-sided things never work out. Ditto when two partners are so different in basic lifestyle and life values.

 

Focus on yourself, on getting better and just know that while your words may have hurt him, that's only because you actually stood up for what you believe in and want. That happens sometimes when we have to put our foot down and insist we follow the right path. It hurts now, but that's so much better than walking around for years knowing you never spoke up with you should have and now all you do is please others while never getting what you really wanted.

 

Also check and see if your church has some sort of counseling services or programs or even go see your church leader(s) for some advice and help. This is the time they will really need to be there for you and most are more than glad to help their parishioners out.

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Sounds like you're going different ways & different speeds.

Also re: your differences in sex & his reaction to you re: religion.. ick- there's a challenge

He has shown NO respect to you in that aspect.. that hid you hard!

Yes, he may have been affected by his losses in which case, some counselling could have helped him out in that area.. by now.

 

Yes, you are depressed now, it's understandably painful for you. If you're being affected badly with anxiety (loss of appetite, sleep etc) i'd go talk to the doctor for something to help you out for a while.

Don't worry about the FB crap- leave that alone for a while. You do NOT 'have to' do anything in that regards.

As for your lack of appetite, when I had that for a cpl weeks, I snacked on crackers & drank coffee. TRY to eat a little bit.

 

It'll take time.. as you're dealing with a lot at this time. BUT- I would NOT try & get back with him.

YOU have to take some time for YOU now and face everything.. the true, hard facts. I think that's best.

Leave him alone now. Dont keep msg'ing back n forth anymore.

 

Back off and work on you.. one day at a time.

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You were never comfortable having premarital sex - yet decided to go ahead with that level of intimacy for his sake. That made you feel like you were betraying your beliefs to keep the relationship going -which eventually, had to come out. And when it did, he reacted very badly, and gave you a look into a part of him it seems you hadn't really seen for all it was until then. He has very strong basic beliefs - why doesn't really matter - that are polar opposite from yours. You are very strongly Christian - and he's very anti-religion.

 

He is not anti-religion. He supposedly prays to God every night and believes in Him, but he thinks organized religion is stupid. I had no idea how strongly he felt about it until I saw that side of him when we got into this argument. It scared me. It also hurt because he wasn't even willing to compromise with me on any of it. It's always his way or the highway. I feel like I have sacrificed so much for us to potentially work out. But honestly, I have nothing left to give. A relationship should be give and take - not one sided.

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A relationship should be give and take - not one sided.

 

Bravo. And exactly.

 

I've seen relationships between people of two vastly differing religions work - because they were both invested in making it work, and getting creative with compromises and getting into the nuts and bolts of what it would mean to them.

 

If there's no compromise on the one side - there's nothing to work with.

 

I'm very sorry you were sucker punched with this - but - I'm glad, for your sake, that you didn't continue to subjugate your beliefs and build more resentment. You will find someone who, if they don't share your beliefs and love for the structure of your religion, will at LEAST respect it and you enough to integrate it into your family and home.

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