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Hello, I am new here. I had nowhere else to vent and it sounds whiny to tell anyone I'm close to. You don't have to read this, this is just me venting my story somewhere, anywhere, and this site seemed suitable.

First there was this girl M, I dated many people before her but I fell in love with her almost instantaneously. She had a troubled past and present, as well as suffering from terrible borderline personality disorder. I was swept away by her, despite her flaws she was perfect to me in many ways. She fell slowly in love with a man, R who rejected her. Later I found out and it started falling apart. I developed a vicious addiction to painkillers from her and she became addicted to cocaine again and I struggled with my bipolar disorder. She began going to bars every night and as I used to see her every day I saw less of her and overheard her talking to her friends about the strangers she's slept with at bars. One of the days was her birthday and I had picked her up passed out and taken her home and it turns out she was trying to have sex with a stranger behind the club that night. Eventually we stop speaking, we break up, she moves away to a different country to live with another guy. I feel constant pain for 2 years every day afterwards, I thought about her hours a day and tortured myself. She would tell me she loved me every few months and we'd come close to coming back together then I would stop myself short of meeting up with her, because I know what pain I went through with her and I couldn't look at her the same way although I deeply loved her. Two years ago I met a second girl, she was the opposite of M and it took me a while but soon I too loved her. I still had feelings for M and it hurt this new girl C, we spent every moment together for a year, then she stops spending time with me, she disappeared and hurt and angry I waited alone. She would leave me cold texts a few times a week, I find out that she too was cheating on me with multiple people including another girl. I forgave her for the first time she cheated and we talked and expressed love to each other, she seemed sincere but would message me once a week and disappear. For the next year (this year) we would talk about love and making it work then she would disappear and we would fight. Then i gave up a few months ago and met a nice girl. She was less complicated, smart and a genuine person however my feelings for the last girl still thrived and I had to break it off before anything happened. I couldn't imagine kissing another person because it wouldn't feel right. She finds out today I dated someone for a brief period and today a few hours ago she sends me photos of her and some other boy having sex, not one but 10 photos, I could only make it through the first one and deleted the rest and blocked her from everything. I feel sick and terribly eaten up inside, I haven't talked to her much in a year besides a few texts a month yet I'm still even this long devastated over this. It took me years to get over one person and now this girl whom I may love more than M might haunt me for many more years. I've gone to hospitals from brief periods of psychosis from finding out bad things or from wanting to leave this world. I just need tips on what I can do to get over them, to move on and live a healthy life. If you managed to read all of that you are a saint, bless you.

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I am also a 23 year old university student.

I would like to add that girl 2 at first helped me tremendously as a person grow, I managed to quit all drugs besides medication I need. To be healthier and to seek mental health treatment. I did all these things to improve myself for her. After we broke up it's been all reverting back to how I used to be after M and it's been hard controlling urges to fall back into hard liquor or drugs again.

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Oh honey, stop talking to her immediately. Keep her blocked.


I think the first thing in order here, is 1). It's very good that you've gone to the hospital and admitted yourself in when you were going through those episodes. Now you need to get some long term treatment. Psychiatrist to get medications for your bipolar disorder/psychosis issues, and some therapy. You also need some treatment for your addictions.


These things are "first things first". Without a clear mind, you will have tremendous difficulty making any kinds of strides at all. So this should be your first goal.


Forget about women, because you don't need that kind of complication or distraction in your life right now. With the way things are going for you, you would pick the unhealthiest thing you can find because you, too, are at that place. Relationships aren't meant as fixes or to help you fill your voids, so when you think about how they have been "misused" in that way, it is not a surprise that you kept happening upon this dysfunctional dynamic. You also improved yourself for HER - It is already a difficult feat to get addiction treatment, but when it is for all the wrong reasons it is rarely sustainable.


Right now you might not love yourself at all enough to really want it, and feel passionate about it - But that's ok. Just do it. You deserve it, you deserve living a healthier and whole lifestyle. One step at a time. Did you get any referrals from the hospital for outpatient therapies and treatment?

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Hi Winter,


I agree with everything Chhetarah^ has said...

It's time to deal with YOU. You have to 'learn' how to take care of yourself. Mentally & emotionally and NOT become dependant on other's. Time to take care of you now, in the right way.

The last thing you need is another relationship.

You've had a few 'downers'n in regards to the women you've become involved with and now it sounds like you are so sad, confused & distraught. Time for some major 'down time' for you to heal & accept it all.


Take a good, few months now and work on getting yourself back together in all aspects. REMAIN clean and seek some professional help with the ordeals you've had to encounter these last cpl of years.


To be able to move on in a healthy and 'whole hearted' manner is the best and can be successfully achieved when YOU are stable and more confortable with yourself & your life.

Takes a bit of time.. but it can be done. So, work on you and all of those challenges/emotions. Get yourself back to good and to the point, you're 'happy' again.

Hopefully, at that time you've been able to 'move on' from your past challenges and be comfortable enough with yourself that you CAN give whole heartedly to a relationship again.


First things first.. take care of YOU, okay

One day at a time...



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