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i feel like i'm on the verge of losing control and doing something stupid


findingmysoul

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-This is long. If you make it through, you're a saint. I've been down lately... like, seriously down. I'd normally never admit this, but I've been having dark thoughts the past couple days that involve hurting myself and it's scaring me. It scares me because before, no matter how blue I got, I knew I'd never actually do anything... but now that line is becoming a bit blurred. A couple months ago I ended a 5 year relationship. I cared a lot for this person, but their inability to hold a job for more than a few months was wearing me thin. I know what you're thinking... if you stuck around with that for 5 years it's your own fault. But it's not that simple. We connected... really connected... and both in our mid twenties when we met. I thought there was hope... that they just needed someone to guide them. I was there once, so I could relate to the desire to get your s**t together but not having the slightest clue how to go about it. Well during this process, when the recession hit back in 2000-whatever, I lost my job. We were living off of my unemployment and the occasional contribution from my partner. At that point I was dependent on those contributions, no matter how small, just to make ends meet. I took out a title loan on my car to try to cover rent once my savings ran dry. I wound up losing the apartment anyway, and the car as well. So there we were... broke and sued for the remainder of the lease plus legal fees which came up to several thousands of dollars. We found a seedy little place that didn't ask too many questions (because I was just evicted and sued, my options were pretty much ZERO) and moved in. The place was infested with cockroaches and no matter how hard we tried we couldn't kick them. I had found a part-time temp job by this point, and one day at work a roach crawled out of my backpack in the break room in front of about a dozen people. There was ghasping and other unpleasant reactions. I was so humiliated I ran to the bathroom and cried. About an hour later I was told my assignment was over and not to come back.

 

A friend of mine offered to let us move into her basement, so we broke the lease. So now there are two apartments with large balances due, a balanced still remained on the title loan after they auctioned the car and I was in debt to my a**. I found a full time job. Hooray. I bought a car from a buy-here-pay-here (because at this point my credit was in shambles and I had no down payment) to get back and forth to work... but it wasn't enough to get me back on my feet, make the ridiculously high car payment, pay off the apartment debts, and the high, high interest that was continuing to accrue on the title loan. Bankruptcy was my only option. My lawyer had advised me to let the car go back because I was upside down like crazy and the payments were stifling. So I returned the car, opting to take the bus to work for the few months until the discharge. It was about a month later when my partner lost another job. I couldn't take it, so I ended our 5 year relationship. One of us had to leave... and since I was the only one employed it was going to be me.

 

In steps Marge (don't worry, that's not her real name). Marge offered to let me use an extra car she had, and then offered to let me live with her in the suburbs, rent free (she was a bit of a mother-figure) so I could pay off the lawyer, get some desperately needed dental work, and put my life back together. We had agreed that I could use her car until January (this was at the beginning of October)... that would give me time to pay off my lawyer, get the dental work taken care of, save up a down payment for a car, and not be flat on my face broke. In mid November, she decided she wanted to become a real estate agent and go to real estate agent school. She would now need the car back in 3 weeks, one full month ahead of schedule. I called around and found a dealership that said they could help me. I broke the news to Marge. The same day, she was on the phone with the same dealership because she decided she wanted a new car too. I was at work when I received the text message that said she had traded the title to the car I was borrowing to buy a new car for herself. This was 2 weeks earlier than her new 12/2 deadline. I should mention, this was also 1 week after I put $100 worth of brakes on the car because I was using it. I was approved at the dealership but I needed $2000 down or a cosigner. I don't have parents so I had no cosigner, and I only had about $200 in the bank. I couldn't possibly scrape up $2000 in two weeks. I asked Marge if we could push out the deadline until I got another paycheck so i could just buy a cheap $1000 car outright. No. The deadline remained 12/2. Furthermore, she was going to start charging me rent in January because she could barely afford her new car payment.

 

I went limping back to another buy-here-pay-here and did some checking. Between the $350 car payment, insurance, lawyer money, dentist money, and just living expenses in general, i would have $60 left at the end of the month... not including the newly applied rent... forget money for taxes and tags on the car, maintenance, or getting another place of my own. I had become incredibly stressed and reclusive in the few days these things were happening. She overheard me in my room in a moment of weakness, crying quietly to myself because on top of it I found out my recent ex was already dating (ouch), and became cross with me because I wasn't 'looking at the bright side'. "After all," she said. "There's food in the house."

 

My only option was to move back into the inner city and find a room off a bus line so I could get back and forth to work. So now I have 9 days to find a new place to live before I have no way to get to work and lose my job. I told her I had to move out if something doesn't give because I simply couldn't afford a car payment until January, so now it's set in stone that I'm going, but I don't know where the hell I'm going to go. I've had tough times before... my parents were drug addicts and I spent my childhood bouncing around between relatives and foster homes, so getting my footing in life as an adult didn't come without falling a few times... but now I don't see any hope. I'm on the verge of sleeping at a shelter just so I can keep my job. I've never felt so hopeless.

 

I can hold my head up high when I spend Thanksgiving without "family", and pretend I'm ok. I can sit here, staring at these 4 walls knowing someone I cared about is having sex with someone else a week after I moved out, after losing everything trying to help them, and pretend I don't want to jump off an overpass. But all of this coming at me at once, and being faced with homelessness... I don't have the strength to keep this up. I know people have had harder lives than mine... but I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of my life being on the verge of collapse. For the past 5 years I've been scrambling to cover bills when the ex couldn't pull through, and I stayed positive. I lost my apartment and car and I stayed positive. I was humiliated publicly by cockroaches and still I kept my chin up as I swallowed my pride and moved into my friend's basement. But I've lost everything now. I have no savings left, no resources left to tap, no furniture left to sell. I'm so overwhelmed and it's making me wonder what's the point? Why not just eat a bottle of pills, fall asleep, and drift off into the nothingness? It would be better than sleeping in a park in December.

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Hello Soul,

 

I'm sorry to hear of so many problems hitting you over & over the last few years. BUT, yes, you have managed and dealt with them well.

Now- onto what's happening now....

Have you looked into those renting 'rooms'? Not an apt. Also, are you able to, or have you looked into some financial 'assistance', point being you're not making enough $? (are you working f/t?)

 

I know we get flustered over so many problems at times and can't think clearly- being so overwhelmed.

How about a 'friend' to stay with for few mths over winter?..or like i said.. even to rent a room.?

Go look in the local papers.. or we have some stores- usually grocery stores- that have all kinds of personal ads posted up re things ppl are selling or places/rooms for rent.

 

These are just some idea's, i'm thinking of here, so hopefully you can get somewhere to stay.

Don't give up- you've been thru some challenging times and you HAVE managed. You have a LOT of strength within.

 

Think on it.. go take a look for rooms etc if you can't manage to stay at a friends?

Am thinking of you.. again, very sorry it's been so hard for you.

I understand how pain can affect someone in so many ways....

 

tc

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Not sure how large your company is, but if they have a bulletin board, could you try posting for a carpool buddy and see if someone would help you for part of their gas to get back and forth for a bit?

 

Also try your local community center, YMCA, and even church groups. Some of them offer assistance with transport, and I know some of the church groups around here have families that offer rooms for a month or two to people getting back on their feet.

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I agree, try church groups, community centres etc, you need housing asap, there might be charities who help you find at least temporary jobs and if you're lucky they also provide councelling or free-of-charge support groups. i don't know where you live, this differs from one country to another,have you done a web search about that? I realize the breakup thing and the humiliation are a huge burden right now but you need a roof first hun. Suicidal thoughts should be taken very seriously, I've been severely depresed my entire life and just reading about what you've been going through is painful- could you perhaps see your doctor, tell them what you told us and see if they're able to direct you to a safe place of some kind? Please stick around, I've spent my entire life resisting the urge to end it, been having these thoughts again lately and sometimes what pushes me to the edge is having no support around- what i mean to say is : don't leave the forum, keep us posted, there's lots of people on, someone might have a useful clue. Huggz mate all the best

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  • 2 weeks later...

I see this is a few days old and not sure what has happened but:

 

Really sorry to hear about your whole situation. Forget about your partner, sounds like that is one 'problem' (so to speak) you'll be getting rid of. Try not to dwell on it, but them not having a job and being someone for you to basically carry is less of a headache for you IMO.

 

Everyone so far has had great advice. Craigslist has postings for rooms to rent, looking for roommates, etc. Just be smart about it, of course. I would also ask around at work about rent space, this way chances are better to land you something close to your job.

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