How do you feel if your gf/bf goes helps another girl/guy? Need advice

[Roxxy65]

Sweets, as an older lady my advice is the old adage "you get further with honey than vinegar". Guys hate it when gf's get jealous, and you're paving the road for her. Best thing to do is to join up with them and be super friendly towards the girl. She will feel guilty and back off. Your bf will feel he has the coolest girl ever. Might be a bit late to do it light-hearted with your guy, but say you get him and she seems to have problems and needs a friend. Guys are good, but in real problems it might be better for his friend to have a girl to lean on.

 

Seriously is the best way in the world to detonate situations like this. Used it last week when a girl was trying to make a similar play with a guy I was on vacation with. She was all "hey, you're so good at this. Could I pay you to spend an hour showing me how?" He was flattered and charmed, a little uncomfortable (and we're not committed, but I was being selfish) and said he probably might be able to help. I jumped in with "hey, you here by yourself girl? Wow, cool and brave. Like that in a girl! Listen, we'll be over at that spot tomorrow. Hate seeing a girl bored and alone. Come join us! Be dead cool for us to have your company. And join us for drinks / dinner later!! [trying to see how many times I could squeeze in the word "us"]. Hey, you gotta do it! I'll make sure he gives you some good tips for free [wink to him]. Here's my cell."

 

She leaves despondent. I rave to him about how cool she is traveling by herself. How fun it will be to have another girl along. Great if he takes her aside for an hour as she is a bit too high pitched and intense for me, but still cool if she joins us for drinks / dinner as I could see they were friends. He literally said "You are just amazingly cool." She of course didn't even show the next day, or call. Win-win

[Moontiger]

I find this advice old-fashioned, boarder-line sexist, and way to much like playing mind games. Basically your saying that the OP should not be honest about her feelings, should lie to her BF, and manipulate this other woman. I get what you are trying to say but I bet if the genders were reversed here your advice would be completely different.

 

Why can't a couple honest talk about their feelings with each other? And expect that those feelings be respected.

[smiler1]

I find this advice old-fashioned, boarder-line sexist, and way to much like playing mind games. Basically your saying that the OP should not be honest about her feelings, should lie to her BF, and manipulate this other woman. I get what you are trying to say but I bet if the genders were reversed here your advice would be completely different.

 

Why can't a couple honest talk about their feelings with each other? And expect that those feelings be respected.

 

I agree with this. You should be able to talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. I would be concerned that by surpressing feelings and pretending you are ok with the situation will eventually lead to you to blow up down the line over something small because you are frustrated in this area

[ParisPaulette]

I think at this point I would tell him bluntly that he's allowing this girl to come between the two of you and he has to make a choice, her or you. I would tell him you saw the text, that what he's telling you about never cooking for her again is NOT what he's telling her and that he needs to come clean. And then I'd likely call the girl and/or text her and tell her bluntly that he is with you, because I have a feeling he may have forgotten that little detail.

 

I'm personally stunned that he'd still go to her place after you sat him down and that you let him talk you into not going with him. I'd have made a stand and said if nothings gong on then prove it. In fact you could just do that period--tell him it will set your mind at ease and you'll drop all worries if he includes you from now on AND you go over there with him since you want to be involved too. Because right now he's talking about starting a whole business with her, so no it's not slowing down. I'm so sorry this is happening. Maybe you can focus on the relationship over the holiday and insist he spend it with you and you only too and reconnect?

[Moontiger]

Paris, I have to disagree, usually an telling someone something like that do-this-or-we-break-up doesn't end well. IMO, this all goes under the heading of disrespect and is boarding on an emotional affair. I say take the bull by the horns and dump the the guy who is already half a foot out the door.

[flowergrl80]

Hi Everyone.

 

Thanks again for the comments.I had another talk with my boyfriend last night and i put my foot down this time. I told him i am not comfortable that he is always talking to her, ignoring me and dont' really care about how i feel or what i want. i told him and i was crying when i was saying this, i can't live like this anymore. i feel as your mind is out with her not me. and that i dont trust him anymore. i told him that only thing i can do now is break up with you and let it be.

i told him he is putting her first than me. i told him he needs to make a decision because right now i feel as you and that girl likes each other because she text u email u everyday. every morning every midnight or so on. i told him, i know who she is and i met her, she is a nice women but she doesnt care if u have a girlfriend . only cares that she has your help only i have no connection with her. i told him u brought her into our lives and ever since then our relationship went downhill. i told him he really loves me and wants to stay with me he needs to fix this now and i told him its going to take me awhile to build this trust again and that i am still sad and upset about it all. i told him next time u meet her at her house for cooking? oh i am going to go too. i told him if this makes u both uncomfortable than sorry. i told him i want to meet her and get to know her and so i can feel comfortable about this situation.

 

he told me sure i can come along if there is a next time. but right now he is just waiting on her answer about the business. also, he did admit he hasn't given me any attention because he was too busy talking to her. he apologizes that he made me feel this way. he said that he will now start to give me more attention. so i am glad i got some of you guys advices and put it together. i am glad my boyfriend was nice enough to listen to my problem i told him i will keep talking about this until i feel better he said i have every right to feel this way.

 

so from now on, its a test i am giving him. i am going to see how he treats me from now on. if i see that he hasn't changed and my decision will be final then. why be with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you, right?

 

i have another question, do you think its okay if i ask him to show me all of their text and convo's? will i be invading his privacy if i ask him this?

[Batya33]

If you feel like you have to see the texts and you don't trust him, don't date him. Sure, you can go along if you want but his answer -that he was ignoring you because he was busy with her -says it all. I'd tell him that you are interested in an exclusive relationship and you're not interested in competing with another woman who is romantically interested in him for his attention.

[flowergrl80]

I dont know if we can re connect our relationship. maybe its too late. but i will give him this last chance. if he blows it than its over for good.

[Moontiger]

"i have another question, do you think its okay if i ask him to show me all of their text and convo's? will i be invading his privacy if i ask him this?"

 

IMO, once it has gotten to the point where you think you need to do this, the relationship is over. That's just my opinion though.

[flowergrl80]

"i have another question, do you think its okay if i ask him to show me all of their text and convo's? will i be invading his privacy if i ask him this?"

 

IMO, once it has gotten to the point where you think you need to do this, the relationship is over. That's just my opinion though.

 

I mean if he says there is nothing going on between them then there shouldnt be a problem to look at the convos. right?

 

yes my trust is gone for now because he gave me these reason to do so. i told him too that i dont trust him anymore. he needs to figure out what he needs to do to rebuild this trust for me if he wants to stay with me

[Batya33]

I mean if he says there is nothing going on between them then there shouldnt be a problem to look at the convos. right?

 

yes my trust is gone for now because he gave me these reason to do so. i told him too that i dont trust him anymore. he needs to figure out what he needs to do to rebuild this trust for me if he wants to stay with me

 

That's testing him and being manipulative. It is a problem to look at his private conversations because that's asking to invade his privacy based on mistrust. Either you trust him or you don't -if you don't then don't be with him. If you do, respect his privacy and don't insult him by doing this mother-son role.

[flowergrl80]

That's testing him and being manipulative. It is a problem to look at his private conversations because that's asking to invade his privacy based on mistrust. Either you trust him or you don't -if you don't then don't be with him. If you do, respect his privacy and don't insult him by doing this mother-son role.

 

I guess I need to make a decision fast. Since I dont trust him now. If there is no trust there is no relationship. so since he is the one started all this not me. he needs to really find a way to fix this.

 

 

what kinda advice can i give him ? how do i know for sure if he will stop or keep talking to her? can i tell him not to talk to her at all? would that be mean? or limit on the talking and not to disrespect me anymore.

[Moontiger]

I guess I need to make a decision fast. Since I dont trust him now. If there is no trust there is no relationship. so since he is the one started all this not me. he needs to really find a way to fix this.

 

 

what kinda advice can i give him ? how do i know for sure if he will stop or keep talking to her? can i tell him not to talk to her at all? would that be mean? or limit on the talking and not to disrespect me anymore.

 

 

I think these are the wrong questions. The right questions, IMO, are: 1) Do you want to be with someone who disrespected you feeling even after you expressed yourself? Do you want to be with someone you have to tell not to get to emotionally involved with another woman? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to monitor who he is talking to?

[ParisPaulette]

I think alot of things can be calmed down and handled by sitting down with your boyfriend and each drawing up some personal boundaries between the two of you. I do think he was bordering on emotional affair time, whether anything else has happened is unknown at this point. Personally I feel differently about asking to see texts and convos when someone has violated your trust. As part of a couple I think you do have that right if you ask and the other person agrees. The point is you're both adults, you're a couple, you should be able to talk and work this out and set personal boundaries that you are each comfortable with.

 

The lesson to take away from it all is when a partner does something that makes you uncomfortable or worried speak up about it right away. Don't ignore it or tell yourself it's just your imagination or you're being paranoid, because that never works. And too many times by the time one realizes there really was something wrong it's too late. No, go with what you feel is the right thing to do and take it from there. And in the future don't be afraid to speak up when something seems wrong. This is the man who says he loves you and as your SO you should both be able to communicate fully no matter how uncomfortable the subject matter. And yes, I would go with him just to ease your mind and, dare I say it, make sure she and he both realize there is someone else who is part of the picture too. If they're both cool and nothing is going on they'll be fine with it. And if they aren't well, at least you'll know sooner rather than later where that all stands and so will they.

 

I say don't be afraid to make your own wishes and desires known, and use this incident as a way to increase the communication between the two of you. If after that things go south you will at least have tried and can walk away knowing you stood up and voiced what you need. I am glad you laid it all out on the table to him though, good for you on speaking up.

[BigKK]

First off, don't ask him to check his texts...

 

 

if you do, he is going to resent you. If you can't NOT ask. Break up.

 

It's simple, either way you're relationship will be doomed.

 

 

 

 

He got comfortable with you, took you for granted, even TOLD YOU he gives another woman more attention after you told him it hurts.

 

 

Do you grow from here? Sure you can try. What I see is a relationship that is on its way out, but due to fear of being alone temporarily you may and try to salvage it anyway. (checking his texts) But you're prolonging the inevitable.

 

 

I wouldn't care if my significant other checked my phone, but if she asked that she has to...I'd feel monitored and controlled = best way to push anyone away.

[flowergrl80]

First off, don't ask him to check his texts...

 

 

if you do, he is going to resent you. If you can't NOT ask. Break up.

 

It's simple, either way you're relationship will be doomed.

 

 

 

 

He got comfortable with you, took you for granted, even TOLD YOU he gives another woman more attention after you told him it hurts.

 

 

Do you grow from here? Sure you can try. What I see is a relationship that is on its way out, but due to fear of being alone temporarily you may and try to salvage it anyway. (checking his texts) But you're prolonging the inevitable.

 

 

I wouldn't care if my significant other checked my phone, but if she asked that she has to...I'd feel monitored and controlled = best way to push anyone away.

 

 

 

 

what should i do? believe him that he is going to try to fix this situation with this girl? its very hard to believe someone after what they did. i am not saying he cheated on me because we live together. he is always there at home. but emotionally he got tangled with her.. that i believe its true. he even said he got distracted and he notice that he hasn't give me any attention . he knows that he did spent a lot of times talking to this girl.

 

i told him everything that is bothering me. he said from now on the attention will be me....do i believe this? right now honestly, i really dont know what to do? am i suppose to break up with him because he got emotionally tangled with some girl?

 

or am i suppose to work together with him and try to find solution to this problem?? obviously, he is the one who brought this problem to our lives.....what am i suppose to do?

[Batya33]

I think you give it a month or a few weeks at least -see if he greatly reduces how much he speaks to her or stops. If he doesn't you will know.

[ParisPaulette]

Agree with Batya33, give it a few weeks and just see if he makes good on his word. Since you live together you'll quickly see how and what he's doing and whether he does indeed take steps to rectify it.

[flowergrl80]

Ok thank you guys! I will just do that.. I will give it few weeks and see how things goes.. Right now my head feels its going to explode.....honestly i dont want to go to my family dinner tonight or his family dinner tomorrow or even our little trip....

 

 

but i told him, we will enjoy this week and after that we will start to work on the problem. so he agreed with this. its really hard to stop thinking about this and everything else.. =(

[Batya33]

There's nothing to work on. It's not about work. All he has to do is make a choice not to be in constant contact with a woman who is attracted to him.

[flowergrl80]

Hi to update all this. We finally broke up. It has been a week and half. I monitored his action for this whole year. Things were not going good after we last spoke here. Back in 2013. This year feb. on my birthday he said he still loves me but he has no attraction with me. and we were trying to figure out what to do and he got into an accident. i supported him for about 6 month. and now he got all better . he decided to leave me because there is no attraction. and yeah remember the girl he went to help out with? I am pretty sure 100% he left me for her. after all i have done for him . he hasn't done anything for me. i learned a lot from this relationship.

[faraday]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I didn't post in this thread, but I remember reading it last year and thinking it wasn't going to end well.

 

What have you learned from this relationship? If you could do it over again, what would you have done differently?

 

Hi to update all this. We finally broke up. It has been a week and half. I monitored his action for this whole year. Things were not going good after we last spoke here. Back in 2013. This year feb. on my birthday he said he still loves me but he has no attraction with me. and we were trying to figure out what to do and he got into an accident. i supported him for about 6 month. and now he got all better . he decided to leave me because there is no attraction. and yeah remember the girl he went to help out with? I am pretty sure 100% he left me for her. after all i have done for him . he hasn't done anything for me. i learned a lot from this relationship.

[flowergrl80]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I didn't post in this thread, but I remember reading it last year and thinking it wasn't going to end well.

 

What have you learned from this relationship? If you could do it over again, what would you have done differently?

 

 

Thanks for the reply. It is very hard. I knew it that our relationship wasn't going great. I can't say myself why it happened the way it happened. But it was heading that direction. Maybe If i didn't bring him to my house when he didn't have a job. Maybe things will be different? Maybe if I didn't ignore all the red flags and just put my foot down, maybe it would be different? They are many possibilities. When we first met, everything was all pure and loving. We both care and loved for each other. Ever since he moved in with me and just started to talk to the other women, he got distance to me. I was just thinking back how when he didn't talk to the woman, how he was very caring and loving to me only. But it all changed. I can't say i blame her for all this happening. Maybe she wanted it to happened. Maybe it was her plan. Or just maybe he just got drawn into her more than me. Or just maybe he just fall out of love with me for many reasons.

 

There are so many things I can say about this. I am hurt that i really love and care for this guy. i did everything for him. But he just leaves me at the end because he was already falling out of love with me. He was probably falling for someone else.

 

I learned that people do take people for granted. He did that to me. I learned that when things go bad it is best to just to leave if it can't be fixed. there is no reason to hang on for someone who is not into you anymore. I knew he wasn't into me but he kept saying these lies that he loves me and cares for me. i believed everything he said to me. because he only said it for what i wanted to hear. for him, by saying that i would forgive him and let it be.

 

If i could do this over again, I would change the way I see in people. If i sensed something wrong, to follow my own guts. And never ever have someone live with you without a job and who finds his time looking for other woman! Find someone who is more responsible for his own actions. Find someone who knows to take care of a woman. How to make a woman feel good. Because, he didn't do anything for me to make me feel like a beautiful woman.

 

He is a selfish man. who only thinks about himself and not others. But he would help other ( woman) just because he is a nice guy. He didn't have any responsibilities. Even though we were only gf.bf and not married.We were living together. the time he was talking to other woman he should have just kept looking for other jobs and put 100% attention to our relationship. But he didn't. The job he has now is because I gave to him. I was going to get the job but i already had taken antother one. And he needed one and i gave it to him. He never thank me for that! His ego is too high even for him to reach up sometimes......

 

I know i met a bad guy. I wasted my time. Although we had some good times together...things just did'n't go as we planned. everything happens for a reason.

[faraday]

I think you pulled some really good things from it. Many people feel like they wasted time in a bad relationship, but I think they're useful because you can learn so much. It sounds like you got a few good things:

1. Listen to your intuition. If something feels wrong, figure out why.

2. Find a partner that brings as much as you do to the relationship. He should have similar drive in life. No one can take you for granted if you don't let them- don't support a bf/gf financially. Marriage is different....but when it's not committed, don't over invest.

3. Raise your standards in a partner. Don't tolerate being treated like you're not a priority. If you're not a priority, get out.

 

 

I also think....If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. Men that are committed to their partners don't encourage affairs, they don't go looking around for other connections. This guy will probably cheat on her too.

 

Also...if a person ever says "I'm not attracted to you"....run. No matter what nonsense he's says after, it's irrelevant. Our partners are our only source of sexual intimacy...and you both deserve to be with someone that not only you think is hot, but that thinks you're hot.

[flowergrl80]

Yes, you are right. A good man will not look for other people if he is committed to the relationship. I remember saying to him, why are you with me if you don't find me attractive anymore? all he can say is, that he never said that and that he loves me. what is this guy thinking? obviously, he was too comfortable with me. I was thinking the same way too. He will find someone than if things get boring he will look somewhere else.

 

he said to me, in a few month he will regret what he done to me. by then it will be too late.