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Confused, please help


Jay98

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My ex and I have tried getting together again after a bad past, and has told me repeatedly for the past 4 months that I am perfect, the love of his life and all he can ever hope for. He says he is lucky that I like him and he loves me so much. I've tried and tried to make him happy but his family hate me and I don't know why, I was always good to them and tried to be nice at all times. My family have always been welcoming to him and invited him to things making him feel a part of us, but his parents Never bothered and every argument was my fault. Even when my ex threw things, threatened me and sped off in the car for crying over my sister who had passed away and I was going through a scare of my own, his father kicked me out of the house for crying??

 

We broke up over a year ago because he left me after a big argument. He hit me and never said sorry, said I was crying like a baby because I was in pain from it, then 8 months of NC Later he realizes he made a mistake and misses me? I find out that he tried getting with a girl 3 weeks before he contacted me and she rejected him.

 

Basically now, he contacts me bleeding his heart out about how perfect and beautiful I am and how he can't live without me, is sweet and kind and makes a million positive plans, then a few days later tells me it won't work because of our history and his parents?! This happens every 3 months or so and today I finally gave up. I told him not to contact me anymore because he is playing head games and ruining me. Why does he do this?

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He hit you and you were considering getting back with him?

 

My dear, he does this because you let him. You have not blocked access to him. Plain and simple.

 

BLOCK HIM!!!! Privacy Star app for your phone will block his calls and texts.

 

Block him from all social media and any other way he could possibly contact you.

 

No man who would hit you also thinks that you're perfect.

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The family we come from contribute very much if one is to success in real live no matter relationship or anything, I can imagine what led his father to kick you out of the house even at the same time his son who is your boyfriend hits you!!! trust me that is not what you want..... there was nothing good in that relationship and you should be glad that he broke up with you. Like you said, he tried to get a girl and she rejected him that brings him back you but not because he loves you!!! because he was rejected and he needs someone to be around him.

Trust me, one step back in that relationship will be a very huge mistake you have ever done in your life.

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As I posted in your other thread:

 

You don't seem to see that this is an abusive relationship.

 

His behavior is typical for an abuser.

 

You keep asking: How can he do this? Why does he act this way? What should I do?.... but you're ignoring the answers people are giving you.

 

 

The answer is: this man is an abuser.

 

There's NOTHING you can do to change his behavior.... he is who he is. He isn't going to change. He'll continue to hit you and be verbally and emotionally abusive as well. Don't be involved with him. Don't have kids with him.

 

The only thing you should be doing in relation to this guy is: run!!!!!

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Even when my ex threw things, threatened me and sped off in the car for crying over my sister who had passed away and I was going through a scare of my own, his father kicked me out of the house for crying??

 

His FAMILY is even scared of opposing him.

 

This should tell you that his hitting you and threatening you is NOT a single incident, but a pattern of behavior that he's not going to be breaking unless he has an epiphany of his own and seeks professional help.

 

The only thing you can do is stay out of his life. Stop being a target for his manipulation and abuse. And seek counseling and therapy for yourself to deal with what he's already done to your self image that you'd even CONSIDER going back to him.

 

Seriously - you KNOW he's only building you up until you cave and give in - when he can find something else stupid to tear you back down for verbally, intimidate you into compliance, or otherwise use you as his whipping girl. You KNOW, in your heart of hearts, his "good" behavior will only last as long as it has to until he feels he has you securely in his thrall again.

 

Don't fall for it.

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Ignore him and delete all contact. He's an emotional and physical abuser and he's just recently been rejected by someone else, so now he's hoping for an ego boost and is sucking up to you. The thing to remember with ALL and I do mean ALL abusers is they are masters of the charming smooth talk. They have to be if they want to survive long in this world and get a steady stream of people to control and abuse, so they can feel good about themselves/do the things that bring THEM pleasure. Of course he's going to smooze you when he wants something from you, but that doesn't mean he's any less abusive or will be less abusive in the future. It just means he wants something.

 

I actually cringed when I read how both he and his family got angry with you for crying over your sister dying??? Please, please let that be the impetus to walk away from these people. They are all abusers and you don't need that in your life. Only someone with zero empathy for others would ever, ever get angry at you for crying over such a tremendous loss. If you won't drop him and block him from your life for yourself then do it out of respect for your sister who's passed away. I'm sure she would never have wanted you to be with someone so cruel and calculating. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you need to learn about abusive people in general and how not to keep them in your life. To that end there are some very good books on Amazon and counseling can also help tremendoulsy. Get yourself some knowledge on the whole subject, stay NC from him and his family, and just heal. In time you'll wonder at yourself for ever having given him the time of day and be very glad you walked away.

 

My favorite book on the topic: link removed Read it and you'll get alot of the answers you're seeking on here.

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My gosh you guys have no idea how much you are helping me right now. I've actually bookmarked this page incase I get a moment of weakness and start to miss him or something stupid like that. I'm happy with who I am; how I look, my career and my talent as an illustrator. Why on earth am I getting upset over a family who treat me like this?! When it gets really bad I remember when I found incest porn on his google history (he left it signed in on my PC) and when I confronted him he said it was his dad that did it? All of this...all of it. Why. On. Earth. What am I doing? I should have sought advice here years ago when all this was happening and listened to my friends.

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I found incest porn on his google history (he left it signed in on my PC) and when I confronted him he said it was his dad that did it?

 

O.M.G. run for the nearest exit if you so much as spot any of these people in a crowd--him or his family. Glad to hear you're waking up. There comes a point where self-preservation wins out over a stubborn and foolish heart (or it should anyways) and you decide it's time to walk. And that is only ever a good thing. What a trainwreck the entire family sounds like.

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You have my deepest sympathy and condolences regarding the loss of your Sister...I am so sorry for your loss!!!

 

Wow, I'm not sure as to why he does this or that to you but you shouldn't care considering what you've shared with us.

 

OMG...How can anyone be so unthoughtful, uncaring, unkind, and hateful to someone who has lost someone as close to them as a Sibling?

 

It's like a part of you that die when a Brother or Sister dies and it's a hurt that no one else can ever imagine unless they've been through it themselves.

 

Please leave that stupid man and his family alone.

 

You deserve so much better and will only be taken for granted even more by those heartless, wicked and dysfunctional jerks if you continue to deal with them.

 

That man does not LOVE you and you know it in your heart.

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Good for you! You do NOT need that kind of treatment! Disrespect, abuse, neglect etc.

 

IGNORE his cries now. Too bad & too late. HE can deal with it.. fps!

Now, you just need to work on YOUR healing over this mess. It'll take a bit but keep going..away from that!

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Thank you again for your replies everyone. I've just been to see a couple of friends, both in healthy normal relationships. They asked how mine went and I told them I had to end it for these reasons. I feel so embarrassed. Is there something wrong with me that I can't be happy like them. Now I'm back in my flat alone and I just feel like sleeping all the time. It's not fair.

 

Haven't heard from him. I told him straight to leave me alone. He is blocked on Facebook and so are his friends. I'm just exhausted. Mentally and emotionally...and want to just play ps3 or something.

 

Why can't I have a healthy relationship too.

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You absolutely CAN have a healthy relationship.... it just won't be with him, and it won't be right now.

 

You're taking steps now to separate yourself from this no-win abusive situation.... you're taking the steps to put yourself in a situation where good things can happen for you in the future.

 

The present? Might feel sad and draining and hopeless.... but if you look at the big picture, the path you're on now will lead you in time to the same kind of happiness your friends have.

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The thing that hurts the most is how little his parents bothered with me and how they treated me. His sister was alright with me for the most part and we got on really well (she moved away from them when she was 15...I later found out why and it wasnt nice). I felt alone and hurt most of the time while I was with him; More alone than any other time in my life. My family were lovely to him and made him feel loved, his family never once told him they loved him. I don't know what their problem is but they seemed so weird, and no other members of their family bothered with his parents, his grandmother used to walk straight past their house and never stepped foot inside to say hello.

 

I am happier when he isnt in my life and it was a relief to say goodbye, my friends all think he just wanted sex since he talked about it more than most things and always tried it on when he came to visit. I've almost given up on it all.

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Feel so alone today. I miss my sister even more when this happens. She passed away years ago when we were early teens (she was 15 I was 17) but all I have are good memories when I think of her. When things hurt me now, I go back to our childhood together.

 

I'm so hurt and confused that someone could do this to me knowing I've had a ton to deal with in the past. First my parents divorce, then my little sister getting cancer. I'm angry with how family for never giving a . So bloody angry.

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God this hurts so much how I can feel so loved to feeling like trash within literally days. I keep thinking if he came back and tried all he could to make this work and told his father he loves me then things will magically be better.

 

I hate reality.

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I just unblocked him on Facebook because I didn't want to appear petty and now I feel anxious whenever I go on it...

 

I can't re block him straight away so he will either see it and block me or won't and I will after 48hrs. I had a weak moment of missing him. I literally can't think of being with anyone else, yet the moment I remember what him and his family made me feel like I can't even handle the thought of being with ANYONE. I literally just want to be alone.

 

I wish I'd never said yes when he asked me out all those years ago. Wish I'd focused more on university. I can't stand relationships anymore. If I can fall in love and go through this I'd rather just not fall in love. I miss little things like his smile and how he'd hold my hand...but I just feel like I was never enough. He is 26 and his father still rules over him. I was so convinced when he came here to talk about how much he wanted me 2 weeks ago and how he couldn't live without me that things would be ok this time...he was crying as he said them. But again 3 days later he said his dad was being 'off' with him and to take it slow AGAIN and that it might not work. We were together 3 years and lived together 1, he's been up and down for the past year since he contacted me again. Saying he wants me more than anything and can't cope to going distant and telling me he wants a nice Christmas and to leave him alone.

 

He probably never cared as much as me. I'm so tired of trying with all of them...to make a good impression. I feel like I'm somehow not good enough for the entire family. I used to go over to visit his parents with him and his dad wouldn't even look at me.

 

This hurts so much.

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The next time you get the urge to UN-block your ex, come and post about it here and let everyone support you in not doing it!

 

You need to start thinking ahead.

 

You need to start taking steps to work on yourself and get yourself ready for your new way-better future boyfriend!

 

Are you working out? What are you doing to help yourself to move on and feel better?

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If I deactivate over the 48hr period, could I block again when it's done?

 

I have been doing well in work and have an interview for a better job on Tuesday, also I graduated as an illustrator so I write my own books on weekends. I have a lot going for me and in all other aspects of life I am happy. I like how I look, my friends are lovely, my family are close and I enjoy my art. But when it comes to relationships now I freak out. I've been asked on two dates in the past week but I sadly still compare them to my ex. I have no interest and am happier alone. Part of me still wishes there will be some magic cure to this and my ex will suddenly see what others see and make me a priority in his life, but last time I thought he did that he took me back to square 1 within days.

 

I am happy apart from this.

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I also unblocked him with the hope he will block me, if he sees it. Last time he messaged me for that talk I mentioned last time I unblocked. At least if he blocks me I know he will leave it that way for months because he did it before. (Though he did unblock once or twice during the 8 months NC). I just feel petty and immature doing it and at least if he did it then it's out of my hands.

 

God listen to me, giving a crap about Facebook! The me before I got with him would be shaking her head in pity!

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Set your timer to the hour when those 48 hours are up.... and RE-BLOCK as soon as it goes off!!

 

Yes, yes, yes -- you can deactivate now, and then re-block him then..... and KEEP HIM BLOCKED hahahahaa!

 

And yes, I also agree it's humiliating and shameful for adults to even give a moments' thought to Facebook! But it's there and must be dealt with. So deal with it in an ADULT way.

 

Listen, you honestly sound like you have great things going on in your life. You might not be ready to date just yet -- but hopefully it's sinking in that you ARE a desirable person to be with and you WILL find someone else eventually -- someone much much better for you that than old abusive douche of an ex, UGGGGHHHH.

 

You CAN'T change him. Abusers continue to abuse everyone they're involved with -- it's who they are. You could waste your whole life trying to get his approval and guess what? You'll never get it. Because how he sees you HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's all about him. How do I know this? Because abusers are all acting off the same script. They're all alike. There's a wonderful book called "Trauma and Recovery" which actually draws the parallels between the behaviors of the abusive spouse and large-scale acts of terrorism and torture techniques -- I highly recommend it, gruesome as it sounds it's actually got really great insight into the psychology of abuse.

 

Anyhow. Keep posting your progress. Let your friends and family help you through this. Take pride in what you've accomplished.

 

Let him go, he's a loser.

 

Congratulations on your promotion!!!

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Thank you so much, this website is helping a lot. My mother doesn't really want to talk about him with me as she really dislikes him for what he did to me. I do have a lot going on and I am happy with it all but feel so alone now with nobody to share it with. I haven't wanted anyone else to share it with me because he seemed to tick all the boxes in terms of interests and goals and he is a creative person like I am. He helped me with my art, making a website and the cover for my book. Then in a day he can take all the love away and I'm on my own again. How can a person show you so much love and happiness to be with you and rip it all away just as easily? Is it my fault that I didn't listen to him enough? He never told me at the end that he wanted to end us, but I broke it off because I was afraid of him ditching me again because he showed doubts. He was so sure and adamant he wanted me a week ago and now we are back to NC. I feel like I've stepped back to last year. Heartbroken

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