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Illusions or reality??


sunshine34

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I don't trust my boyfriend.. I know, fairly common thing to say, but this is getting to a point where I am questioning my sanity.. When I am with him, right now for instance, I keep imagining I hear him w another woman. I'm in his room and he is studying out in the living area but I keep thinking I'm hearing lip smacking and stuff. I know the most logical thing is to just go out there and check, but as odd as it sounds I'm afraid to. Bc I think I could be imagining this out of fear.. Every time we get close to one another my trust issues happen. Tonight was perfect and now I feel it's ruined for me bc of my own issues.

At the start of our relationship I didn't question him, but then I found out his best girl friend had tried to make an advance, he told me and I respected it so I got over it quickly. Then I found out he's messaging this girl he used to hook up w bc of old chem notes. Ok, that's fine, but then that turned into something when she wouldn't stop texting him. I think overall, maybe it's not even the situations that make me unable to trust him, it's that I think he's a sneaky person ..

 

Is there a correlation btwn sneaky ppl and cheaters? When I say sneaky I mean, he can hide things well.. He has a safe and he keeps stuff in there, drugs when he used to sell them.. His mom is holding his passport hostage and he said he's going to take it back from her when he goes home. He openly admits to being a good liar and I think th fact that I came into this relationship w trust issues doesn't help..

 

2 weekends ago I went through his phone and didn't find anything but felt horrible for going through it and I told him. He was really upset w me, bc he said I had broken his trust and if I did it again he'd break up w me..

 

Oddly, that is resonating w me now.. It makes me think maybe he is hiding something tat I just didn't find bc honestly I looked at his phone for only a few minutes before he came back in the room..

The biggest question I have is, what can I do now? I'm not going to act on this crazy illusion I'm having tonight, but what can I do to prevent them? How do I learn to trust him? Should I learn or is it hopeless ? If u don't know someone has cheated and u keep having mental anguish doesn't that imply you will never trust them bc it's their nature you don't trust , or is it just my baggage?? Please help any advice is appreciated

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you have trust issues and you always expect worse to come. this relationship has a lot of red flags all over it

he lies to his mom, and to you too, probably

he used to sell drugs (wow)

you snoop on him

he messages with girl that is is back-up plan or his hook up friend

 

what you can do is you can TALK with him about what bothers you, don't accuse him or argue with him, just tell him about your thoughts and the struggles you have been facing lately

if he acts strangely - you will see it

but please stop snooping on him or you will never learn how to trust him - or yourself

and in yourself too, by the way

its your man - you need to be sure in him, if you struggle to feel secure about him - go your separate ways, stop torturing yourself

now it seems that everything about him freaks you out

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It doesn't sound as though you trust him and by the sounds of things, whether that is over other women or not, is irrelevant. I don't think our ability to trust someone is that selective. He doesn't sound like a trustworthy person is a few areas of his life and has admitted he is a good liar and so I think your instincts (whilst they are possibly going somewhat into overdrive) are protecting you.

 

This of course doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you with other girls, but is that really the worst thing that someone can do in a relationship anyway? I think you should go with your instincts and look for someone you DO trust.

 

As for baggage, it's a tough one. You are clearly much younger than me, but we all have "baggage" or issues that arise out of past experiences. It is not our partners role to deal with that baggage but I do truly believe (and this may not be the most popular view) that if someone is right for you they will understand and help you to deal with those issues provided that you do not make them suffer for them. To me, if I truly care about someone, whether that be a friend or a partner (and what is a partner if not a very close friend), I will talk to them and offer assurances as often is needed provided I can see them taking responsibility for any insecurities and provided that they are presenting them in a mature, non accusatory way. I hate that these days there seems to be an attitude that we must be issue free, insecurity free and totally trusting to be worthy of a relationship and I don't hold with it. I have good friend that has just got engaged to her boyfriend who has some pretty serious trust and insecurity issues and because he truly deeply loves her, he accepts them and supports her because she is not JUST her issues, she's a great girlfriend too. So do not blame yourself.

 

I think you know that you have your feelngs for a reason, and that they are becoming unpleasant and uncomfortable and I think you deserve better.

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Don't worry about it. if you carry on checking his phone, being jealous and what not that will drive him away. Sometimes if someone (an ex) texts me I will respond out of politeness, nothing sneaky.

And if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it anyway, no amount of checking on someone or interrogating will change that, in fact it will drive them to do the very thing you are trying to prevent.

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There are people who come into your life and make you a better person and then there are people who come into your life and bring out the worst in you and bring you down. Which kind of people you decide to keep around is your personal choice.

 

Do you have trust issues that you need to work on? Yes. Is being with this guy going to help become a better, more trusting person? No. He is shady and there are red flags of all kinds flapping in your face. So on the one hand, your reaction is a bit extreme, on the other, it's not entirely unfounded. The end result is that you feel nuts because it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't. Tends to happen to you when you date liars. So what are you going to do? Stay on and continue losing your sanity or walk away, work on your issues and find a relationship where you actually feel safe in it? Your choice.

 

Personally, I would stop cold with the drugs and that he tells you to your face he is a good liar. When people tell you things like that, believe them. Trust issues can build up because you are making consistently poor decisions in who you get involved with. That needs to change.

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Yeah, I'm not so sure what you're experiencing aren't so much trust issues about something that's not there as you are hoping and wanting someone to tell you the little voice in the back of your head screaming "this guy can't be trusted" is just false. Sorry, I see way too many red flags here. No I wouldn't trust him, but not just about cheating--about everything given how he's able to lie at the drop of a hat, brag about it, lie even to his mom (why will you be different?) and is a (former or still?) drug dealer.

 

I can't think of one single reason why you should stay with the guy. I think cheating is actually the least of what he's going to do to you and anyone else he gets a chance to screw over.

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My relationship advice to you is go to counseling and try to figure out whether it’s your baggage or if he is inducing these feeling in you (or both of course.) Trust is fundamental to a relationship and you need to have this in order to build and develop a healthy relationship.

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Look at how a man treats his mother and that will be a good indicator of how he treats women. Ok you can't always go by that but oftentimes you can and in my experience it usually is the case. It sounds like he may not have much respect for her. Anyone who sells drugs has a lower moral bar then most. I dated someone who sounds very similar to the guy you are describing and guess what? He cheated on me. Not saying that means your guy will but the minute you start checking your partners phone is the minute you should get out of the relationship. Maybe it is your gut instinct or maybe you need counselling on your trust issues... either way you will make yourself ill and paranoid if you stay in this relationship.

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