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Should I keep paying for her when we meet?


mfan

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Suppose I meet a woman and it's one of those "Let's get together as friends first, and see if it turns into something more" kinds of situations. I treated her to a (light) meal the first time we met. Now it's going to be the second time. Here's the problem: I don't know yet whether I want to date her or just be platonic friends. If I pay for her on the second date, am I sending the message that I want to date her? Conversely, if I don't pay for her on the second date, am I sending the message that I only want to be platonic friends? I really want more time to make up my mind, and I don't want some gesture to give a message that I'm not ready to give yet.

 

Thanks so much.

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in my opinion a date is a date is a date and i always pay for those, not really because of the message it sends. there are always first / second dates where you never get to go any further, so you just never know.

 

though the whole "dating" is exactly what you're doing... you're trying to see if she's a good fit for you... so in essence you really are dating her.

 

one suggestion i do have though would be, go to 2 locations, (dinner + drinks as an example), you pay for dinner and she would more than likely pay for drinks (which is often cheaper), that way it seems more "fair" and there's no "message".... and if she doesn't offer i'd pull the plug personally... i don't like women who don't even make the gesture to pay even if they know i'm going to pay.

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I'd say if you are getting to know each other keep it dutch. If you mutually know it's a "first" actual date then yes you can pay for her. I don't believe that there should be a dictated way of someone paying for another. The only reason this was the gentleman way was because way back when women didn't work; it was only men. So women just didn't have that money as we do now because they are more independent and can pay for themselves and should. Although it could also go onto the fact that men get paid more because there is still a stipulation etc haha. But really if it's just getting to know one another take care of yourself and she will herself. There are no expectations and no women should ever expect you to pay. I know that sounds like the "gentleman" thing to do but these days things have just gotten different.

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I'm trying to put myself in her shoes . . . I think if you made it a point to say, on the second date, "Dutch?", then I'd think you were remaining noncommittal and keeping your options open and you wanted me to know that. So if that is the message you want to send, it's probably a good idea. I think if you paid on the second date, I'd just think, "Oh, he's being a gentleman" or whatever, and I wouldn't read much more than that into it.

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Thanks everyone! I met her on OKCupid. I'm looking for a long-term relationship but I'm also actively looking to make new friends and meet new people, and I'm using a variety of places including link removed groups, etc. but I'm also talking to people on OKC who seem amenable to being friends even if we don't want to date. And she says in her online profile that she's not looking for a full-on relationship right now but primarily looking to meet new friends to explore the city with. Through our extensive email conversation I believe she would be willing to have a relationship if the right one comes along. So it seems both of us are quite flexible about the whole thing.

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I know everyone does it differently...but I'm not a fan of going dutch. I like to alternate who pays with friends and with dates. I think more than anything, the way you act and the way she acts will determine if it's a date or friends hanging out. Are you picking her up or meeting her there? Would you like to kiss her? Those things will determine date or not.

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I don't buy all these blurred lines -I would be really surprised if a single woman posted on a dating site just looking for friends - that was what a woman I know posted on her profile 14 years ago -new to the city, wants to explore the city -my friend, who was looking for a relationship -responded. They've been married 12 years. I think it's a little silly to assume that dating means getting physical right away - you can simply do things together but know you are doing the activities to see if there is also a romantic spark.

 

So as far as paying I think IthinkIcan has the perfect solution - do buddy type activities together that are inexpensive or free. That's how another friend and his wife started out -she posted on craigslist for a biking partner and for about a year that's what they did. Then they started dating.

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