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I broke up with her, she wanted me back, now she's dating someone else?


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First off this is a long one... so strap in. This is more of a discussion than asking for help. But insight is always appreciated...

 

The breakup... all my fault and doing. I met a woman at work and could NOT stop thinking about her. We went out for drinks after work twice in two weeks with other people we worked with. I got too drunk the last time and stayed the night at the chicks house after she offered to drive me back to her house and let me crash on the couch. Me being my drunk self said okay instead of calling my loving girl to come get my drunk ****. I didn't know how to tell her what happened and was scared about how she would react to it so I said nothing. I ended up feeling so bad about the whole ordeal that I broke up with her in guilt. I was throwing whatever reasons I could come up with in my head in order for it all to make sense. Said some **** things about her in the process. Anything really that made sense at the time and wasn't the truth. I told her on my way to work that we needed to have a talk when I got off work. (yeah, I know...) Well she calls me right then and there (on my way to work) and the situation spins out of control. The entire time I feel like she's pushing the conversation to go further and further. So I say **** it and end our relationship right there. Get to work and realize what I've done and instantly regret it. Problem is, I'm (usually) one of those people that think that break ups happen for a reason. Well not in this case.

 

Fast forward to 2ish weeks october. I get a text from her that says she wants to talk (NC in effect other than to arrange for us to give each other our **** back.) So I say okay. We meet up and talk about a bunch of stuff, like how she wants me back and how I didn't mean for any of this to happen. And how I said a lot of **** things because I was scared to make myself feel better about the situation. Unfortunately for her, that morning a mutual friend she doesn't know about sent me a picture of her instagram (no, wasn't snooping) of her and this dude who were calling each other pet names. Turns out they are FBO about the whole deal. So I ask her about it. Of course, I get a lie (source was reliable) so I tell her that I have to think about what I want (I actually have to think about if this is worth it anymore.)

 

So now it's 1 week after this, 3ish weeks after the break up, she wants to meet up again. I go for it and she says some **** like "Well i'm just saying, by the time you make up your mind I might not be here anymore for you" Other than that It was a good convo and at the end she does what I needed her to do all along. When I go to leave she grabs me and kisses me like I'm the only man in the world... I mean you can feel the raw emotion and love behind it...sorry, I needed a moment there. So at that point, I don't care what getting back together with her means, I don't care what it looks like. I had lost the woman of my dreams and I want it back....now. So I try to set something up for when I get off work to talk about it (I'm a firefighter so I can't just leave work) and for whatever reason we can't get together and talk until the 3 days later. We meet up and have breakfast. It went well I tell her that I want us to be us again, instead of an OKAY I get...well now I need time to think about it. Oh by the way, I have a Halloween party to go to on Saturday. **** great. (not worried about the party.)

 

So anyways, this entire time shes thinking I'm going nuts...literally. Sunday comes around and I write an "I'm sorry" letter. It was well thought out and written...most importantly I truly meant every word of it. plainly, it laid out where I **** up, what I was doing to fix it, how I was going to make sure it wouldn't happen again and some sugar in between. Keep in mind, this girl has multiple chronic illnesses and part of my reasoning for breaking up was that there are some things that I want to do in my life that she'll never be able to do etc. Which I really did NOT mean. However, does not change the fact that I said it.

 

So I sent her a text along the lines of "Hey I'm coming over to drop a letter off and then I'll be on my way" I get something like "I'd like it if you didn't come to my house" in return. So I drop the letter off at the post office and let them take care of it. At this point I'm tired... so I say that I need to know what's going on. She says she's still really hurt by the things that I said, she needs us to be done even though she wants to jump right back into it and work **** out. And that we don't and never had communication. (I have PTSD and secondary Alexithymia (just found that out) so talking about how I feel is almost impossible.) She thinks because I don't always tell her every detail about every day, and then bring it up like 2 weeks later we "don't communicate well". and then that we really just need to stop talking (she hasn't gotten the letter at this point.) Thursday comes around, we haven't talked since Sunday and she calls me asking if we can talk. Okay, we meetup and I lay it all out. I **** up, I have to live with that. But the situation is fixable and we have an awesome chance to walk out of this as a stronger couple in turn. Well...she isn't interested in all any of that. So I proverbially beat my head against the wall trying to convince her to try to fix this instead of giving up. so her response is something like "I don't want to you hurt me so badly, I don't want to work on this. I. Am. Done. you had the chance to fix this but you waited too long trying to figure out what you wanted. I figured out a way to be happy single." So we leave the conversation at that and I say "I really am sorry, and I really do want to fix all of this but you're just not interested." She comes back with that this may be the biggest mistake she's making but it feels right right now. I told her that by letting fear of being hurt or let down dictate her actions she's making the same mistake that I did a month ago.

 

So on the way home I tell her flat out. If you were wondering what I was waiting for or thinking about you need to think about what you told me about that guy vs what the truth really is because I know what the truth is. Get home, blocked me on Facebook...awesome. Haven't talked since. Found out Friday that she's dating some dude from the Halloween party who is literally the anti-me.

 

Anyways, the facts are above. I've tried to wrap my head around the situation but I'm too devastated (really, people at work ask me if I'm doing okay and they don't even know about what's been going on) and honestly, no one knows what she's thinking and why she's doing the things she's doing....probably not even her. She's 4 years younger than I. We both waited a long time for this to happen. We really do love each other (see kissing scene) I've been there for her through everything with her health stuff and family stuff. Literally weeks and weeks in hospitals etc. I honestly don't think this is it, nor do I want it to.

 

She could just be trying to piss me off, but nothing makes sense because she's been all over the place. I need to get her back in my life, hardest part is that this is mostly my fault. I went into this relationship thinking it would be my last... I'm not about to give up on it because I was an idiot.

 

 

***update*** she called me today to see how I was doing and that she's always here for me if I need someone to talk to. I laid out what the WHOLE truth was for the breakup. She said she wished I hadn't told her that. She kept holding a sad meets upset tone... but no scorn or anger. Other than that it was small talk. After I told her the truth (she's still refusing to tell me about BOTH guys) she made up an excuse to get off the phone. So I leave it at that and text her something like: my only regret is messing up with you, I can live with everything else I've done and that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Later on I send one more text a few hours later saying that I forgot to include that it was after an overtime shift, I was drunk, tired, and made a bad choice. And that no matter what she'll always be number one to me. I said the above because she was taking it as I would have rather been with other people in a situation where I could have been with her (I worked a night shift, we were trying to beat closing time/last call both times)

 

 

****Update 2****

With the bad storms that ripped accross my part of the country I HAD[/b] to text her to make sure she was doing okay. It was just a quick "be safe theres a lot of bad stuff going on" she said yeah, she was stuck in a town next to mine. And that was it until a few hours later she told me that I'm going to have to move on, she already has. Asked me to stop contacting her because it'll be easier on me. She has a new bf now so me trying to contact her isn't okay (prior to this moment she was always the one trying to talk to me.) I'm not sure if this is really it, if her and this guy is just a rebound deal, or if I just need to stay the path and hold out on NC waiting for her to come around. Believe me, waiting is worth it. The pain of all of this has started to subside but I still want to be with her yet.

 

I just don't know what to do.

Any input anyone?

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Leave all alone now... you're gonna tick her off soon enough with the constant letters etc.

She KNOWS how you feel for her now.

She's off with a rebound..leave her to it.

 

Time for you to back off and say now more. Let the cards be played. You'll see, in time how things go with her.

Should it end up being a month or 6? Let it.

But- going NC will let her see just what life is like without you... and you can now work on taking care of yourself.

 

leave things to settle for now

 

tc

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thanks for the reply. For clerical purposes I only sent one letter and haven't been trying to talk to her. Went 11 days without talking to her then she called me to see how I was doing on veterans day (a rough holiday for myself.) Aside from that I have been working on getting my in check (counselling for the PTSD stuff, and cognitive behavioral therapy for the alexithymia stuff). Overall things are getting better and less painful. Still love her to death and want her back to no end... just not overwhelmingly desperate because I see the big picture now.

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Accept that you have to move on. As you said, she already has. I think you underestimate how devastating it is to break up with someone. That breaks the trust.

 

Given the PTSD and alexithymia, I amg going to guess you were difficult to be in a relationship with.

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Accept that you have to move on. As you said, she already has. I think you underestimate how devastating it is to break up with someone. That breaks the trust.

 

Given the PTSD and alexithymia, I amg going to guess you were difficult to be in a relationship with.

 

From my perspective of things... No. I was always there when she needed me through frequent hospital visits, her family loves me, I always listened to what she had to say and gave my honest opinion (from an analytic aspect, I'm still working on understanding finer emotions.) We got a hotel once and I was finicky to sleep with but that was about it. Everything was fantastic and we were both completely happy with they way things were going, I mean... we were talking about moving in with each other.

 

The one thing that still boggles my mind is how she can go from "yes I want to get back with you" to "It's over and I don't want to try anymore" in a matter of like 3 days. The more I think of it the more it seems like she just met this new guy at the above mentioned halloween party and he's "mr. right now" more than anything. She really never took time to grieve over anything. I should have added that she is between the ages of 18-20 and I between 22-24 God knows that makes a world of difference.

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You're correct. Like I said above, I met this chick at work, we ended up going out for drinks with other people I worked with, I ended up getting too drunk to drive and slept at this chicks house. I felt bad about it because I felt like I was having an emotional affair with someone (which isn't what happened... I was interested in the chick from work as a person/friend not as a replacement for lack of better terminology) and didn't know how to tell her because I knew she would take it poorly. Instead of doing the right thing and just sacking up I broke up with her and said some ty things and using her health issues as a facade.

 

Like I said, I just do not understand how she can go from wanting to work on things to being done done with all of this. It makes zero sense. The only thing that she stated that changed was "I thought about it." More and more this just seems like a massively ed up case of GIGS. I'm not scared that the grass really may be greener for her because well.... the guy pales in comparison to me. Not trying to be boastful... but I'm not the worst looking guy, I'm smart, funny, caring, I'll do anything for the people that are close to me, and most of my character flaws are things that can be fixed or worked on. I have secondary Alexithymia that will be better when I come to terms with my PTSD stuff. But I do suppose that the universal answer is to remain NC until either they break up or she gets in contact with me. Some people tell me to move on but stay close, others tell me move on and don't look back, and people that know both of us or me and her current.... bf.... tell me to wait it out and work on me for the time being. I just wish there was a magical way I could fix this... I want to marry this woman .

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You're correct. Like I said above, I met this chick at work, we ended up going out for drinks with other people I worked with, I ended up getting too drunk to drive and slept at this chicks house. I felt bad about it because I felt like I was having an emotional affair with someone (which isn't what happened... I was interested in the chick from work as a person/friend not as a replacement for lack of better terminology) and didn't know how to tell her because I knew she would take it poorly.

 

 

I think in order to get any kind of good advice, you need to be honest. What you are now saying (quoted above) is massively different than your initial post --

I met a woman at work and could NOT stop thinking about her.

 

Based on your initial post, there was definitely something going on. You met a woman at work, you could not stop thinking about her (infatuation), you went out drinking with her and slept over her house. SHADY. You know it's shady and I know it's shady. Everyone knows it's shady. If you want to get any kind of good advice, stop pretending it wasn't wrong. If you are totally honest, people can give you their honest opinion.

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You keep saying that you cannot understand her but I dont understand you as well. Why do you break up with somebody if nothing happened with the other girl? And when you got too drunk, why didn't you take a taxi home? Instead, you went to some other girl's house... your actions are really confusing so instead of trying to figure your ex out, take a look at yourself...

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[quote=jenny_mcs;5881124

Based on your initial post, there was definitely something going on. You met a woman at work, you could not stop thinking about her (infatuation), you went out drinking with her and slept over her house. SHADY. You know it's shady and I know it's shady. Everyone knows it's shady. If you want to get any kind of good advice, stop pretending it wasn't wrong. If you are totally honest, people can give you their honest opinion.

 

Shady, correct. Does that mean something physical happened? No, and nothing did. Like I said, it may have been an emotional affair. But we never talked about doing physical things... not even remotely. She was a cool chick to talk to and go drinking/ shoot pool with. Truth is, I still haven't come to terms with the truth. It makes me look like a monster, and that I am not. This has been a huge learning experience for me. I did something that was borderline mottled up and made up crappy excuses to make myself look and feel better about it. I came clean to her about everything. Didn't matter because she was already with this other guy, just not out in the open with me about it. She had blocked me on facebook, however 2 days ago she had unblocked me, for my own sanity I blocked her from mine. On a side note, can we figure out a way to not twist the knife? I already know that I messed up big time.

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You keep saying that you cannot understand her but I dont understand you as well. Why do you break up with somebody if nothing happened with the other girl? And when you got too drunk, why didn't you take a taxi home? Instead, you went to some other girl's house... your actions are really confusing so instead of trying to figure your ex out, take a look at yourself...

 

There is no taxi service to the town that I live in. The better option would have been to call my ex in hindsight. Again, assuring everyone, NOTHING happened with the woman from work.

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There is no taxi service to the town that I live in. The better option would have been to call my ex in hindsight. Again, assuring everyone, NOTHING happened with the woman from work.

 

NOTHING happened with that woman, but you broke up with your girl....A LOT happened. If I were you, I would think why I do what I do. Leave your ex alone, learn from your mistakes and time will tell if you are right for each other. All the best!

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You're correct. Like I said above, I met this chick at work, we ended up going out for drinks with other people I worked with, I ended up getting too drunk to drive and slept at this chicks house. I felt bad about it because I felt like I was having an emotional affair with someone (which isn't what happened... I was interested in the chick from work as a person/friend not as a replacement for lack of better terminology) and didn't know how to tell her because I knew she would take it poorly. Instead of doing the right thing and just sacking up I broke up with her and said some ty things and using her health issues as a facade..

 

 

Yeah, this is called CHEATING. You had an emotional affair. You were unfaithful to your girlfriend, whether you had sex with this woman or not -- you wanted to and slept at her house.

 

So, game over.

 

Your ex is now with someone else. I wouldn't assume this is a "rebound" -- for all you know, he's The One and they'll be together forever. Don't wait around in hopes that it's a rebound and that means it won't last, you have no way of knowing.

 

You blew it. Next time, don't cheat.

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Move on.. Nothing you can do at this point.. You also need to stop sugar coating the fact that you cheated on her.. What you explained in that first paragraph was not an innocent encounter.. You ex is in a new relationship and she is moving on.. Respect her space and leave her alone.. She knows how you feel, but you have hurt her entirely too much.. She probably just reached her breaking point and just wanted to be done with it all.. Sorry, but these are the consequences of your actions.

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>>And that was it until a few hours later she told me that I'm going to have to move on, she already has. Asked me to stop contacting her because it'll be easier on me. She has a new bf now so me trying to contact her isn't okay

 

Unfortunately, life isn't full of repeat 'do-overs' in all cases. I know it is hard to look at it this way, but it is like a house is for sale, and you waffle and don't make an offer on it, or make an offer on it after another offer has been accepted, or an offer that is not attractive enough for the owner to accept. that house will not stay open for sale and available for sale to you forever, and you have to be willing to pay a price that the owner is willing to accept. So in your case, for whatever reason, she has decided to accept an offer from someone else and is no longer interested in being in a relationship with you.

 

So you can't keep calling asking to buy a house that is sold any more than you can keep calling her now that she has decided to go with another guy rather than you. She just isn't open to being with you now, and you will only damage yourself and drive her away if you keep trying to get with her under these circumstances.

 

So your only real option here is to tell her how much you love her and that you would like to get back with her IF she changes her mind and decides that this BF isn't going to work out for her. Give her some way she can stay in touch with you if she changes her mind (your email address etc.), then you have to let it go. And from that day on, you go on with your life. You need for your own sake to assume she is happy in her new circumstance, because it might be years or never before she gets back to you, so you have to assume that opportunity has closed for now, so you seek new opportunities. You don't go sit outside a house that is sold to someone else and pine for it everyday on the outside and extremely tiny chance that it may go on sale again soon, you instead go looking and find yourself an equally lovely house to own.

 

The world is full of woman to date, just like it is full of houses to buy, so you need to just work on healing from this and letting go, respecting her right to make another choice than you, and working on healing yourself so that you can start dating new women when you start to feel better.

 

Another piece of advice: try to be more self aware. By that I mean, you need to look at the consequences of your behavior before impulsively making a move, whether that is sleeping drunk at some random woman's house or breaking up with someone impulsively rather than taking the heat and talking it out. I think your life will be a lot better if you understand the principle of 'opportunities' and that some opportunities you should not take, and others you can't squander or treat with disrespect or the opportunity will close.

 

Many people will never get back with anyone who has dumped them for whatever reason because they no longer trust them, and many women will dump men who do things like getting drunk and sleeping at other women's houses without a thought to how damaging that is to a relationship. Your ex might have been fine if you'd called first and explained how drunk you were or given her the opportunity to come get you so you didn't stay at someone else's house, but most women are not fine with this BF's/husbands hanging out with random single women and sleeping at their houses. Then you added insult to injury by breaking up with her, so that was a one-two punch that meant she no longer trusted you enough to stick it out, and instead chose someone else as what she considered a better prospect for herself.

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I know what I did is wrong in most people's eyes. But it's difficult to accept that this is it. There have been plenty of times where she wanted to go out with her friends and she ended up staying the night at someones house and I had no qualms with it because I would rather that than getting a DUI or worse into an accident. This whole thing is just ing childish and stupid. I don't get how you go from telling someone that you love them, want to work stuff out, bawling and begging for them back one day to being done with it all the next. Logically, it makes no sense at all.

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I know what I did is wrong in most people's eyes. But it's difficult to accept that this is it. There have been plenty of times where she wanted to go out with her friends and she ended up staying the night at someones house and I had no qualms with it because I would rather that than getting a DUI or worse into an accident. This whole thing is just ing childish and stupid. I don't get how you go from telling someone that you love them, want to work stuff out, bawling and begging for them back one day to being done with it all the next. Logically, it makes no sense at all.

 

But it was you WHO broke up with her. Did she break up with you when she stayed the night at someone's house? No. It is you who felt guilty. The thing is childish because your actions are childish too...

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I don't get how you go from telling someone that you love them, want to work stuff out, bawling and begging for them back one day to being done with it all the next. Logically, it makes no sense at all.

 

I don't get how you can be a loving and caring boyfriend one day and then the next day you break up in a hurtful way... makes no sense at all too.

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I know what I did is wrong in most people's eyes. But it's difficult to accept that this is it. There have been plenty of times where she wanted to go out with her friends and she ended up staying the night at someones house and I had no qualms with it because I would rather that than getting a DUI or worse into an accident. This whole thing is just ing childish and stupid. I don't get how you go from telling someone that you love them, want to work stuff out, bawling and begging for them back one day to being done with it all the next. Logically, it makes no sense at all.

 

This is a joke, right? No one's this oblivious.

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I don't get how you can be a loving and caring boyfriend one day and then the next day you break up in a hurtful way... makes no sense at all too.

 

Fair enough, the answer to that is 3rd party involvement.

 

This is a joke, right? No one's this oblivious.

 

I wish. Again, I'm very ill equipped to look at things from an emotional standpoint. Hence my thought process that night was: I'm drunk gf is asleep, it's late at night, I can't drive, there's no taxi to my house, girl just offered for me to crash at her place which is like 5 minutes away. Logical answer: Crash at chicks house. I'm not saying that any of this makes sense I just want to know the best way to make things right. For me to say that yes, I love someone and would go to any length to make this all work out is a huge deal. Whatever though, clearly you are all just looking at my situation as flamebait and no one has anything particularly useful to say. Oh wait that's correct, you're all better than I because I had "an emotional affair" with someone. I could have easily turned this into a physical thing, but didn't. Why? Because losing her made me realize that I have a great deal of feelings about her, and that most would call those feelings love. Which is huge for me, again. Anyways, you may all continue the berating and badgering.

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I'm not really sure why she is doin what she is doing or if she will come back. But I can tell you from my experience as a woman who has gotten up and left a bf after many years of being together it's been for many reasons.

 

This new guy could be giving her something you never gave her, or maybe it's just something new and fresh... Who knows? It could be to piss you off, to "teach you a lesson" I'm not really sure.

 

Sometimes we just change our minds and need a change... She knows she can have you at any moment so she's in no rush. It's easy to tell you no or block you because she knows you're there waiting.

 

You have apologized, you have tried your best to get through to her and honestly there's not much more you can do. Please go no contact, I know it's hard and it sucks. Your days will be long and lonely but try to keep busy. Surround yourself with friends, family, try not to think about what she's up to.

 

If she loves you she will notice you aren't chasing her any more/ she will text or maybe call.. It's up to you if you want to answer. But I wouldn't. If she wants freedom... Give her plenty of it, don't always be there. Start going out, meet new people.. You don't have to date but you can have fun and keep busy.

 

She will come around if she misses you & if she doesn't you have your answer.

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This breakup DID happen for a reason - perhaps a crappy reason, but it's honest to your heart. You slipped for someone else. And that tells me your ex is no the one for you, and perhaps you are seriously NOT ready for a serious relationship.

 

What's 0Done is done, now go live your life.

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Seriously -- you were ONLY drunk that night because YOU WERE OUT ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. This is a woman you hoped to be cheating with, not some random girl.

 

To come on here and say you broke up FOR NO VALID REASON -- is just ridiculous.

 

And as long as you continue to minimize and rationalize your cheating, you're going to have problems with your relationships and hurt the women who get involved with you. If you want to try to make *me* into the bad guy for calling you on your obvious denial, go right ahead, as blame-shifting is typical cheater behavior.

 

But having an emotional affair is every bit as destructive and painful as a physical one. Why not learn from this breakup and take it as a lesson to stop treating people this way?

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