What am I doing that is repelling women my age?

[abysmal]

Ok, I'm just trying to gather some ideas on what maybe I can do to get the attention I am looking for.

 

Let me start out by saying that I try to take care of myself. I brush my teeth, try to keep excellent hygiene, short hair, no facial hair. I am 5'8 120 lbs, cannot gain weight or muscle; all I can do is tone up, so that is a lost cause. I try to dress nice, wear bright colors, khakis and sport shirts. In short, I try to stay fashionable and conscious of my appearance, especially due to hearing after years of lurking this forum that appearance is all most women seem to care about, at least with initial impressions.

 

So here's the deal, if I'm ever noticed by anyone, it comes from people of two distinct categories: very young, preteen-aged girls, and creepy old men. I am ignored completely by females in my age group. At my very best, I am the platonic friend. I get looks and waves and friendly hellos from young girls that are way too young for me, and in the past year I have had four men either try to pick me up or make suggestive remarks toward me; the latter makes me want to vomit.

 

So is there possibly some correlation here, some causation for their interest in me and the lack of attention from women my age? I don't understand why I'm "the friend" to them at best, and yet these other people seem more receptive to me. Do I simply need to flirt more, be more aggressive? I've seen some homely and average guys with stellar women and I am seething because I am trying so hard just to get my foot in the door and I am getting nowhere.

 

Not sure where I am lacking.

[annie24]

I think some girls like skinny guys. Try to meet more of them. Easier said than done, I know. Consider going to a personal trainer to talk about a workout and weight gain routine. Or take my advice: eat lots of doughnuts, lol! As for the gay men, consider it a compliment.

[SooSad33]

Maybe you're trying too hard? Maybe you can back off the bright colours sometimes?

Try some jeans (black even) and a sweatshirt or plain black t shirt etc?

 

If you keep trying to hard & are getting nowhere- try the opposite. Just show some 'comfort' about yourself. Some can also 'read you'. They can see if you're insecure a bit or uneasy.

 

Relax a bit.. calm down.. tone down. See how that goes.

[abysmal]

Thanks guys I guess I will try to relax about it. With my physique there's not much to do; it's basically all genetics and I've been down that road before with a trainer to no avail. I guess a feminine and slightly toned figure is better than pudgy and oversized, though.

 

As for the guys, well initially I was flattered I guess but in the couple of recent instances, the advances were overly sexual and just.. disturbing to say the least.

[annie24]

Some people are just creeps. Ignore them and get out of there.

 

Do you keep a food diary?

[junebug123]

I am 5'8 120 lbs, cannot gain weight or muscle; all I can do is tone up, so that is a lost cause.

 

How much do you eat and how often do you work out. Like how many meals a day and how large portion sized are the meals.

[abysmal]

Some people are just creeps. Ignore them and get out of there.

 

Do you keep a food diary?

Yeah, I basically am a vegetarian. If I ever eat anything outside of that, it is the occasional grilled chicken.. so not a lot of protein. Being a college student working part-time, I can't afford a massive intake of food, anyways. I was cooking egg whites to supplement for protein, but I lost interest in that after complaints, so I quit that. My father is really thin so I guess those traits were just passed on to me and there's nothing I can do about it. I have been at this weight since 15. But last year I was able to tone up some and felt better, although you can't tell just by looking at me with a shirt on. So I basically have to look into other avenues of self-improvement as there is obviously something I am doing wrong.

 

I have noticed that my body language and eye-contact aren't exactly ideal; I do find myself staring at the floor when I walk in the hallways; but I'm just accustomed to these mannerisms.. I usually ponder to myself, "apparently no one wants anything to do with me in general, so why bother making an effort?"

[shivamoon]

I am vegetarian, and a have a degree in sport and exercise science (you are not veggie if you eat Chicken..but good on you, almost there ), and there are many food options that are full of protein such as grains, beans, legumes, tofu, nuts, eggs, yoghurt to name a few. Just eat and graze all day!! I wouldn't do any cardio..just heavy weights, and low reps, with timely rests in between sets. Exercising will make you feel happier and more confident. Walk into a room with your head held high, with a strong voice, and you will appear bigger

[junebug123]

I am vegetarian, and a have a degree in sport and exercise science (you are not veggie if you eat Chicken..but good on you, almost there ), and there are many food options that are full of protein such as grains, beans, legumes, tofu, nuts, eggs, yoghurt to name a few. Just eat and graze all day!! I wouldn't do any cardio..just heavy weights, and low reps, with timely rests in between sets. Exercising will make you feel happier and more confident. Walk into a room with your head held high, with a strong voice, and you will appear bigger

 

Um, i don't think i could have said it better myself. I actually don't eat any red or white meat, just fish and veggies. Like you i have a very high metabolism, but genetics has nothing to do with being skinny. If you don't work out, don't expect to see results. Working out will actually boost your confidence and improve your self esteem, this will help with women.

 

The reason why women your age are seeing you as a friend is because you don't have any manly qualities which they find attract you to them. I couldn't necessarily create a list of what is masculine (deep voice, hair on chest, etc. etc.), yet this is only one factor, the other factor is mainly to do with behavior. There are things which other guys will do which will make a women feel like a women, opening the door for her, getting her gifts, asking her out on dates, complementing her outfit, holding her hand, etc. etc. Women, like this sort of attention, it makes them feel more feminine, and when a women feels like she is being treated like a women by a man she can foresee a possible future with this man.

 

However, if you are giving women handshakes instead of hugs, picking on them, or treating them like one of the fellas, then they will treat you like one of their girlfriends as well.

[tom1607307597]

I can relate with trouble gaining weight since I tend to be on the skinny side too. I know you keep a food diary but are you keeping track of things like how many calories you are eating every day? If you have extra money to spend on food you should try to include at least one extra meal a day and snack on food whenever possible. It's exactly the opposite of what people trying to lose weight do. This last month I have been making an effort to eat at least one extra meal a day, even when I wasn't feeling very hungry, and have slowly been gaining weight. Working out is important too if you want to gain muscle, not just fat. I can't say how much or how often because I don't have much experience there. Always supplement working out with a protein drink or other protein source of course.

[elsenyor]

now i'm probably going to get my balls busted for this but i really don't believe in simply platonic friendships with the opposite gender (luckily i'm not the only person ), before you became friends there was interest / attraction from either party (you or her or both), then it grew to become friends.

 

what's likely happening is you stay the "friend" because of the way interactions are being carried out, your demeanor, confidence factor, etc etc. many and i say MANY guys attempt to seduce women by taking the "i'll be her friend first and then become her boyfriend" approach ... which really doesn't work lol, it more often than not speaks doormat, which is why you're seen in the light of a "nice guy" or "friend", really kills attraction.

 

so some of my tips are (it's how I got my ex and gotten many opportunities):

- don't be her friend, but do be nice, just make your intentions clear from the get go (that way there's no confusion)

- don't turn into a texting friend / phone buddy, if you use the mobile device make sure its for setting up dates (quality and attraction goes up in person)

- keep some space, have a life outside of her, ask her out once a week unless she's reaching out to you then setup dates whenever she does reach out

- confidence, lead, taking a decision and messing up is better than not taking one and being indecisive, she's more likely to forgive you for messing up than she is to see you being wishy washy.

- when it comes to dressing... i have no style, i just go with what i'm comfortable and suits my mood. sometimes i look like a bum, sometimes i look like an executive, others i look like a skater, it just depends on my mood and whatever's in my wardrobe. just be comfortable, if your comfortable confidence will follow my mom always told me "it's not the clothes, it's the person wearing the clothes"

 

any who those are just some tips.... now here's the final piece of advice i have for you. when my ex and i broke up i went off searching for "get your ex back" stuff, and eventually ran into a website... this website covered everything i did right to get her in the first place unknowingly (and in reality any other woman), it has tons of great advice (especially the free ebook), i highly recommend you invest the time and energy to read it, it's a very easy read and you will NOT regret it I promise. www.understandingrelationships.com then you can always look for pick up material (but that's just superficial cr@p)

[junebug123]

deleted and then some characters.

[abitbroken]

I have to admit that I prefer slim guys to muscular types. I am attracted to men who have more of a runner's physique or are slender and not "skinny fat." I think that you should stop this vegetarian diet you think you are on and get on a real vegetarian diet of legumes, very nutrition dense veggies like kale and fiber. I think that if you cannot seem to get the vegetarian diet together and are therefore protein starved, I would consider being ovo-lacto and eating eggs in your diet as well as eating fish, etc occasionally. I know fish isn't vegetarian but the point is having a healthy diet that you can personally manage with your lifestyle, personality, habits., and when you have access to different foods and have gotten more the hang of it, eliminate the fish, etc. Right now you are starving yourself.

 

Also, as far as fashion goes, there are tons of hipster guys who are slender and they get female attention. And there are male models who are very slim (not the fitness type, but the runway type). So you have to learn to dress - if you have skinny arms, ditch the polo shirts and go with a button down shirt or something meant to wear open over a t shirt or crew neck shirt. Or dress in layers like that. I would also make sure you are wearing clothes that fit you. Guys who are slim and wear really baggy clothes look like they are swimming in them and look skinnier when you want the opposite affect.

 

Also, you need to stop the way you are dealing with women if you are solving their problems and being the nice friend who listens about their relationships. I don't know if you are, but that is the clear route to the friendzone

[uniqueme]

From what you've described I don't think it has anything to do with your looks. Try to be more confident around women.

[abitbroken]

Thanks guys I guess I will try to relax about it. With my physique there's not much to do; it's basically all genetics and I've been down that road before with a trainer to no avail. I guess a feminine and slightly toned figure is better than pudgy and oversized, though.

 

As for the guys, well initially I was flattered I guess but in the couple of recent instances, the advances were overly sexual and just.. disturbing to say the least.

 

A slim male does not have a feminine physique at all.

[healinginnyc81]

I echo what some including yourself have already said about your demeanor or your confidence in general showing through. I had the same problem and I am also pretty skinny. I didn't even have a gf until I was 21. But I've worked on improving myself.

It would probably help if you gave yourself a break say for like 3 months where you don't focus on getting a gf at all and just have fun and figure out what you enjoy in life. Pick up a new activity or skill or something like volunteering that makes you feel good about yourself. Hang out with other confident people and see how they are comfortable with who they are including their faults.

 

While you're spending that time focused on yourself and on enjoying your life you'll naturally give off more and more of a confident vibe and you'll see that girls will be more attracted to you.

 

Also, I would still workout regularly just to build your strength and because it makes you feel good even if you don't gain weight. Just trying to increase how many pushups you can do is worth the effort.

 

best of luck man, we skinny guys are cool too! Just gotta be proud of yourself for who you are

[Slimpee]

Go buy "Scrawny to Brawny", read it, do it. It's written for guys like you.

[radiohead20]

wow, this is exactly what happens to me!

 

I get completely ignored by women age 20 - 35 (and I mean completely, whenever I am in a group function with guys and girls I am typically the last person they talk too). however, I get eyed by older men and gay men and older women are very friendly towards me.

[John John]

OP, it's funny, I often have to deal with unwanted attention from men too...they check me out all the time. I mean, I will take the compliment for what it is, but yeah, it totally weirds me out too.

 

I agree with other posters here that many women don't mind dating skinnier guys. I think that being heavy (in any case, man or woman) is more of a detriment than being too skinny. However, at 5'8", 120lbs does sound very skinny. I'm 5'7" and around 170lbs pounds, and I'm not "jacked" or "stocky" or anything like that. How much have you tried to put on lean muscle? It may take you a LOT of work but you can do it. There is a guy at my gym that sounds exactly like yourself...our height and very thin, and in the past year, he has put on enough weight where it's noticeable (but he's still skinny). You need to eat a lot of protein (whey protein shakes, chicken, eggs, greek yogurt are all good choices. Brown rice/sweet potatoes are too as far as gaining weight) and keep working out to stay lean. However, I know we all have certain body types, and perhaps you've already tried this and haven't been able to gain any weight. So I understand you have to work with what you've got.

 

As far as bright colors, maybe it's an NYC thing...but I avoid them. I go for darker colors (black, brown, navy blue, etc) personally. If you're dressing like Howard from the Big Bang Theory, maybe that may turn some girls off. I don't know. Honestly, it sounds like you take care of yourself...it's just a matter of you meeting the right woman.

 

Have you tried online dating?

[Angler]

First of all - I think we should be a bit more empathetic towards the gay guys that give you attention. Statistically they are WAY more likely to A) Receive attention from their non-preferred gender, and B) Be shot down due to their interest being straight. Just think for a second, potentially, how many lesbians are you giving "more than a glance". I'm sure they don't want to vomit, they just understand it as part of life.

 

On to your weight issue - I think a lot of people expect muscle growth to happen faster than it actually does, and they give up far too early. You have to be realistic with your weight gain goals. Natural gains (i.e. no anabolics or hormones) are going to cap out between 5-10 pounds of lean muscle per year, and that's a dedicated year with disciplined workouts and nutrition.

 

I'm currently 6'1" / 205lbs. I have been lifting and eating like a madman for the last 4 months. I started bulking at 200lbs, and I have gained 5 pounds. Probably half of that is fat. Works out to 0.6lbs of muscle per month, and they were hard months...pretty depressing, eh? lol. Then, factor in that 3 months are spent cutting, and the summer is spent lean, I will be lucky to put on 5lbs of muscle this year....you just can't expect to put on 30lbs of muscle overnight.

 

And one last thing I can not stress enough: You are 23, take advantage of your naturally high testosterone levels and commit to building muscle now!

[John John]

On to your weight issue - I think a lot of people expect muscle growth to happen faster than it actually does, and they give up far too early. You have to be realistic with your weight gain goals. Natural gains (i.e. no anabolics or hormones) are going to cap out between 5-10 pounds of lean muscle per year, and that's a dedicated year with disciplined workouts and nutrition.

 

Exactly. It took me around 8 months to put on 10lbs of lean muscle this year. I was REALLY dedicated...everything (diet, fitness) was exactly on point.

[abysmal]

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice and comments from those who can relate.

 

I normally do not have a problem with men approaching me just in general, so I am a tad sympathetic, it's just that these last instances have been with men who are much older than me; they have no business hitting on me, nor women my age. And their suggestive remarks.. It's more than just subtle flirtation, though I will not delve into that any further, I just want to emphasize my frustration; It's not really so much my disgust with these men so much as it is my frustration that I can not get the attention I would actually be receptive to. I am too much of a confidant, true, but I try to be good to these women.. I mean, you have to establish trust, a rapport, and I'm certainly not a man who has much game or skill when it comes to being a flirt. I've been out on a few dates and met girls I really, really liked. But it fizzles out so quickly. They lose interest so quickly. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I give them space and time, I try not to be overbearing. I'm about as genuine and considerate as I could possibly be.

 

With exercising, I was doing the 5x5 routine, and I was doing okay, but to face the facts, just as I'm not flirtatious, I will probably always be slender. Egg protein does look like the only promise I have though, in terms of diet. I definitely felt better back then, but by looking at me clothed, you couldn't tell I had actually set out on any workout endeavor.

[John John]

You're young man...you have time. Women are very fickle and flaky creatures, and basically impossible to truly "crack." There is no one-size-fits-all approach to women. Some may find that you're too nice/too much of a confidant and will immediately friendzone you, other women will like those qualities about you. At your age, I think women are honestly more into partying/sleeping around/going after bad boy alphas and trying to change them. Give it time...luckily for us, things start to shift a little more in our favor as we approach our 30s These women will have matured by then as well. Don't change who you are.

[tom1607307597]

I'd like to add to this: Once you find that find your confident vibe and are happy with your life try to maintain that confident attitude. It defeats the purpose of spending all that time to build yourself up and let some girl (or girls) tear it down through rejection. You'll have to start from square 1 all over again and it will not be fun, trust me!

[Thorshammer]

Maybe you look young, no facial hair+ skinny makes you look younger than you are- so young women hit on you, and pedo-type guys hit on you. You see a kid whos 17 but built like a football player- and he can skip into clubs without showing ID, because it gives off a very dominant masculine look- which could be translated for some as looking older.

 

I was 140lbs and really skinny. I started eating 5 meals a day, and even crammed weight gainer at one point- and i broke that weight category, now i hover at 170 with cut/chiseled appearance. I even went as far as 200lbs of bulked muscle, now i can change weight category very easy, and it happened when i broke the 140 mark. Its like your metabolic system just changes.