Im not sexualy attracted to my girlfriend of 4years.

[snowman21]

Hi

 

Ive been with my girlfriend for over 4 years. But during this time I've never really been that sexualy attracted to her. We do get on really well and I think she is great. But I cant really see a future for us. She wants to get married and have kids and I've told her Im not sure this is what I want.

 

Also for the past 2 years she has been working abroad so we dont spend that much time together.

 

I have been thinking about breaking up with her for over a year now. Most recently we hadnt seen each other for over a month and when she got back I tried to have 'that' conversation but like always we ended saying that we must just try harder to make it work. Now I'm sure she loves me more than I love her so she is always the one pushing to communicate and make it work.

 

Now just in the last week she has accepted a full time job back home so we can be together full time and this has really made me think I have to say something really soon. We have the same group of friends so that will always make things more complicated.

 

I really feel that I have to do something about this but I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I know it will destroy my girlfriend and I'm not sure I can go through that.

 

Please any advice would be great

 

Thanks

[NorthDallas40]

I think you should end it.

 

It's not fair to her to have a bf who is half-hearted, and you deserve the chance to find a gf that is more sexually compatible.

 

Will she be incredibly hurt? Most definitely.

 

But "destroyed"? Absolutely not.

 

As you've seen on this forum, everyone is dumped at one time or another. And we all get through it.

 

So have a talk with her. Diplomatically tell how you feel that things aren't working out. Don't place blame. Don't criticize.

 

Avoid saying you are not sexually attracted to her. If she presses on the subject, just say you two are sexually incompatible and leave it at that.

 

If she gets angry, let her. Don't fight back. She'll be upset, and has a right to be.

 

But be firm. Let her know your decision is final, and that it would be best to go NC except for practical matters such as returning belongings.

 

Good luck with this, but make the right decision.

[shivamoon]

You have never been sexually attracted to her? Why did it go on for 4 years then? Don't drag it on any longer and be honest.

[faraday]

You're hurting her more by wasting her time making her think you have a future. Would you want to be with someone that didn't want your penis but thought you were nice? Rip off the band-aid and get it over with.

[SooSad33]

The love isn't there, yes best admit it soon and don't fake it.

Just pick a good time, where both are settled down.. not where she just got in the door. And best in private.

 

You're good enough to respect her feelings as no break up is easy. You can't make this 'nice', but your feelings come into this as well. Best to be honest with her.

[DancingFool]

The more firm and clear you are that it's really over the easier she'll be able to move on. Don't tell her it's about your lack of attraction, because that would be destructive, however be completely and absolutely firm that it's over. DO NOT LEAVE HER THINKING YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND. Grow some balls and stop wasting her life away. What you are doing is cruel, so just end it already. Pick up the phone and call her and do it. Yes, you can start the break up with the phone. Let it sink in before you meet face to face to exchange things and close out the situation. Wrap up anything you may have shared or had together, return her things, clean house and go no contact.

[Robin2904]

I agree you need to get on with it and stop prolonging it. She deserves to be able to move on with her life, you're basically just keeping here there because you feel sorry which is more cruel then you think it is. I really don't understand how someone stays in a relationship for 4 years with someone they aren't attracted to? I'm not judging I'm just honestly really surprised. I feel like after 6 months or so wouldn't you realize that? That's a super long time to be involved with someone you aren't sexually attracted to.

[uniqueme]

I too think that you should end it with her if you see this relationship going nowhere. It's not fair to her.

[snowman21]

Thanks everyone for your honesty. It really seems like I have to man up and break up with her. I think it will be the most difficult thing that have ever done.

 

She isnt back home until the mid January but she wants me to go out and see her in a couple of weeks at her parents who live abroad. That will be very difficult time to have the talk. There is no way i could break up with her over the phone it just doesnt seem right.

[DancingFool]

Thanks everyone for your honesty. It really seems like I have to man up and break up with her. I think it will be the most difficult thing that have ever done.

 

She isnt back home until the mid January but she wants me to go out and see her in a couple of weeks at her parents who live abroad. That will be very difficult time to have the talk. There is no way i could break up with her over the phone it just doesnt seem right.

 

I honestly think that you need to tell her how you feel now, before you head out there and let her decide if she still wants you to come over or not. It's even worse when she is all excited about seeing you and it just comes out of the blue. "Hey babe, I came over just to dump you." or worse yet when her family starts talking about they can't wait for grandchildren and there you are sitting knowing you are ending things. I have never understood the whole "I need to look the rabbit in the eyes when I shoot them." There is no honor in that. Not saying that you should be cold or not agreeable to seeing her face to face, but I do think that she needs to be clued in and not just smacked with it out of nowhere. You can be nice, you can be civil, but you do need to stop procrastinating and putting it off. It's beyond cruel.

[snowman21]

So I broke up with my girlfriend early today, was so unbelievably emotional. I wanted to do it over the phone but i found it difficult to find the words so i wrote a long email explaining everything with the idea we could talk about it after. It didn't go down very well, she is really upset and sent me some horrible text message saying that she hates me and never wants to ever see me again. I feel so bad now and im not sure I've done the rite thing. I feel really guilty and upset by it all. I just hope that over time she can forgive me and move on. A very painful experience and i wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

[Ms Darcy]

You broke up with your gf of 4 years over the email? I hope someone does that to you so you can see how bad that would feel. It's ok to end a relationship, but a little respect is in order.

 

Overall, I do think ending it was the right thing to do. You just did in a really terrible way. Why couldn't you have printed out the email instead of sending it and told her your thoughts in person? It all sounds like you got scared of her reaction and didn't want to deal with her emotions.

[Iggles]

I disagree. Obviously breaking up via email is not ideal, but they're long distance. The OP handled it the best he could. No need to kick him when he's down.

 

As debated of the previous page, traveling to her only to break up didn't make much sense. She would have her hopes up, thinking they would have a nice time together. Waiting until she moved back to his country would also be bad form. This happened to a friend of mine and it was incredibly painful.

 

However it's done, break ups are always hard. He sent her a thought out letter rather than a text, ghosting, or writing it on a post it..

[Ms Darcy]

No kicking when down. It's common courtesy to break up in person or over the phone. We often forget that there is another person affected by the break up too.

 

I don't think our standards should be so low that we congratulate someone for not breaking up via text.

[snowman21]

Thanks Iggles for your support and I tried to handle best I could but Ms Darcy is rite, it wasnt fare to her for me to break up with an email and I hate myself for going down that route. I feel terrible for doing that and now im not even sure it was the rite decision as I'm feeling extremely sad about it all. I just hope that one day she can forgive me and find someone that can truly appreciate who she is and they have a happy life.