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Ex keeps popping up and ruining things for me and I let it


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So I got to the point where I stopped counting the days no contact. I stopped trying to see about my ex, I dated lots, stopped talking about him, did things for me that I liked, reconnected with friends, was happy again. This was for about a month.

I met someone, we actually started dating and did some awesome amazing things together, we had so much in common, he was great, so good to me. For the first time in nearly a year I kissed and moved on so to speak.

Then what do you know, my ex pops up -txt messaging me. At first I was mad. It threw off my whole day. Then I found myself thinking about him and deep down I did still miss him and wonder about him. I found myself telling him and he said the same.

I was feeling a little on the fence about this guy I was seeing but it was about 3 weeks in so I thought I should give him a chance.

But then found myself arranging to meet my ex in a public place. We talked on the phone for two hours -he was feigning giving me advice to not mess up this new relationship. But it ended with us saying we still had a strong connection and reminiscing sexually.

Txts started to become sexual and it was all I could think about.

To the point where I felt like I couldn't be with this new guy anymore because it was making me feel irritated by him. I'd hear my phone go and hope it was my ex.

So I ended it with him. And he was really upset and hurt and I know it was really out of the blue. I had to tell him I didn't have chemistry with him, too.

Every part of me knew that it was a bad idea and just my ex messing with me.

We haven't met up again, but he starting hinting at it and got mad at one point, thinking I was pretending that I broke up with the new guy.

Now he has disappeared again. As far as I know he was seeing someone else the whole time, too.

Now I'm alone. I didn't break up with the new guy to be with my ex. I broke up with him because he wasn't enough to make me want to give up my ex.

I don't know why I can't let my ex go. It's so bad for me. My only thoughts are that physically and chemistry wise it's off the charts. No one else has come close. He also makes me laugh. A lot of who he is, is what I want. The only downside is he treats me so badly.

And blames me for it.

I feel so down about being unable to break out of it. He says to me that his feelings for me are like an addiction, that he'd follow me into hell just for a fix. I feel the same. But still he won't be with me. He says he doesn't want both of us going through heartache over and over again.

At least he's sensible. But I still feel sad.

I have to fight wanting to go crawling back to the new guy. But I know I've hurt him and deep down I really have issues with attraction to him. Feeling vulnerable.

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This is my exact story from 2 years ago....and you know what? Him and I disastrously dated off and on for the last 2 years...with me...now ending things a month ago...and deleting/blocking him in every form possible. I blocked him on my phone and every app, I blocked him on fb, through email...I regret every guy that I dated in the "off" times that I was emotionally distant too...I...I just regret. I wasted almost 3 years hung up on him. Yes....the chemistry...the sex...will be hard to find with someone else...but yeah, my ex is an assmonkey. I will not go back.

 

It's funny, a few days ago I started talking to someone on eHarmony that I'm really interested in (for the first time since I met my ex)...and you know what's crazy? My ex had made up a new email address to contact me by the time I had finished reading that email....

 

I met a psychic one time that said that we have invisible threads to people, and when we emotionally leave, if the other person is still connected, they can feel the thread snap- so they come back. It feels like that.

 

I can't tell you what to do. You have to weigh it and decide for yourself. I went back...and regret it. The only thing good that came out of all of it...is that I know for sure that it will never work. That helps. I still miss him, he's my drug...but like all addictions...they have a rock bottom....and I never want to go back there again.

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It is an addiction isn't it? I have been where you are and the only thing for it is complete no contact. No response to his messages, block his number, email, facebook, everything. He will stop you from ever moving on and meeting someone that is right for you and it sounds as though that was his plan all along..he doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Only you can stop it.

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I think because I was in a good place with someone new, I was able to see his messages and not feel some desperation or despair or that jealousy that he might be moving on 'better' or sooner than me.

I don't hold it against him for messaging me. I don't think anyone is ever genuinely calculated in contacting an ex to ruin their relationship. I think the real reason deep down is usually that you miss them and it's hard to let go. Part of me thinks it's nice he contacted me and I like that he still feels that for me. It's the rational side of me that knows one day that will come to an end that hurts.

I'd love to stay in the state, that initial leap of the heart when you see they still think of you. I was thinking of him.

It only hurts when it gets to the point where I'm the last to message and I don't hear back. It's knowing that it can't go on forever. That he may never come back.

It would be a lot easier to deal with if I had someone and wasn't hear feeling so sexually and emotionally frustrated craving him.

I know it would likely end badly. But maybe it wouldn't. It's all the unknown and I feel like a little kid having a tantrum that he won't keep playing along with me.

I'd just as soon take it as far as trying again with him. Even though all attempts we had this year have failed. It's been off and on for nearly a year.

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Oh, I was there with my ex once too. Repeatedly and yes at one point I had to let someone go who was a prince of a guy just for one last taste of hell. But like you I just didn't really feel any strong attraction to the new guy. And yes, both my ex and I acknowledged that we were each other's drug of choice to escape whatever in our lives was making us miserable at the time. It was much easier to focus on our drama with each other than to just go out and fix what was wrong in the first place and leave each other alone.

 

The way you get past it all is you decide when you've had enough of the ex and that there is absolutely no reason for you to let him back into your life. Not even if he got 20 years of therapy and became a saint, not even if he suddenly magically transformed into a good guy instead of the one who wants to just use you for the sex. And you also don't settle for second best from anyone else either. Learn to be happy and fulfilled in your own life and within yourself first. And then when you meet a good guy who also has chemistry that's off the charts you'll be really, really, really glad you went through the work of finding peace within yourself first and not settling for second place or second best from anyone.

 

As to wondering whether or not it would end badly if you gave the ex another chance I think you already have your answer, but maybe haven't examined it closely. He tried to get you to have sex with him while he was still with somone else. Things never end well with a cheater no matter how much they may swear they love you and want things to work out. You know this, but it may take time for the fantasy and dreams of what he could be (but isn't) to fade. Just don't do it six times in a row over as many years like I did. There are still times I cringe ove that, because I knew better and yet still did it anyways. And frankly it's six years of life I would rather have spent on other things. Don't make that same mistake.

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You are now messed up between two break ups, sadly.

I feel YOU need to take some time-off (dating) for yourself! You need to work on recovering from your break up with the ex.

You need to get more stable in life so someday you CAN be emotionally/mentally able to move on properly.

You're still hung up on your ex- even tho you know it's not good.

You've now gone his way again.. and left the other guy. See.. is it because you're still emotionally involved with your ex? I think so.

 

But- you KNOW he isn't good for you. He treats you badly. There, enough said. You're still in mourning over this loss and have yet to heal.

I'd say no more. Work on YOU. Work on your emotions and getting over HIM, before you go trudging off to break another heart.

It all takes time to get over someone. Give it time and take care of you now.. for a while. Get yourself back to your comfort zone.. work on being happy again.

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