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How to avoid doing this ever again..


amandathepanda

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So here's a list of the red flags I have identified since my 4 month relationship ended last week:

 

- not telling his sons anything, for several months, even who I was and allowing them and me to feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure they even knew my name.

- not telling his ex about me and when she asked, asking her why she thought I was his girlfriend.

- asking me to park round the corner so his kids wouldn't know I was visiting relatives with him (I believe it was so his ex wouldn't find out)

- telling me right from the start that he had no false promises or guarantees, that he was damaged and had difficulty trusting (I should have walked away)

- not wanting to add me on Facebook but offering no reassurance as to why.

- when he did add me, still no acknowledgement at all and I wasn't allowed to tag anything or post photos.

- inconsistent with contact, unkind at times....openly mocking me for wanting to see him.

- drinking heavily and often and alone. Drinking binges. No off switch. Regularly drink driving.

- entangled with ex, doing stuff for her, still responsible for her and her child from an affair financially and practically despite being split 4 years and having their children living with him. She cheated on him throughout their 17 years.

- letching over a young girl to his mate in front of me as though I wasn't there which made me feel bloody awful

- never wanting to make plans or asking to see me, yet making plans with friends. The relationship was very much driven by me.

 

There were good times, of course but I had a eureka moment talking to a friend last night where I realised...I didn't LIKE him that much really, but I wanted him to like me. He displayed vulnerability at first, which I found attractive but as the relationship progressed I found myself increasingly insecure and obsessively vigilant looking for clues that he was about to exit or was cheating. I became anxious and paranoid which of course, especially because he wasn't invested, pissed him off. Viscious circle and by the time it ended I'm sure he had me down as a psycho although he did acknowledge that he knew he made me feel insecure.

 

So it's all very well looking at him. I put up with it. Not the first time I've stayed with men that are not over their exes, or unavailable in other ways and whilst this was only months not years I want to avoid it ever again if possible. I had an extremely difficult upbringing and a terrible relationship with my parents, there was abuse etc I think I'm somehow trying to achieve the love I never had. My dad was my first emotionally unavailable man.

 

I'm 44. I'm scared that the anxious woman I became with this guy is who I am but really hope it was simply the choice I made to pursue a non starter that made me feel that way. Whilst I miss him (why) I do feel better without the anxiety and am not remotely tempted to chase him. I was kidding myself from the very beginning.

 

How do I avoid this again. It's time to work on me.

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I read this back and realised that it looks as though I was angling to form a relationship with his children and he was avoiding it - not the case...his kids are older teenagers and even after weeks of coming into the house, spending time there (just in his kitchen or bedroom) his kids still hadn't been introduced. I expressed concern that they would see me as just some woman that came to the house, slept with their Dad and then went and that particularly as boys this is not healthy but he just kept saying that he was scared to harm them by making something of it. Baffling.

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