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Safe Guy vs. Hot Guy: Help me Decide


toxikk

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Let's start with myself: I'm 23 and just graduated with a Bachelors degree, I found a job that I love and I can support myself fully. But I wasn't always like that. In the past I dated guys for financial security. I've only dated guys with money and the next one was always better off than the last. I was in school and wasn't working and enjoyed having guys pay for everything. I think that this might be 'm why I'm in a difficult situation right now. I'm also a long distance runner when it comes to relationships. I stay with someone for a while and leave them when I find someone new/better.

 

I am currently dating, lets call him Safe Guy, for 2 years now. He works full time, goes to college full time and makes great money. He owns a house and is very financially well off. I know that if I stayed with him that I wouldn't have to worry about money in my future. He lured me into a relationship by flaunting his money and then that stopped. I found out he's super stingy with his money and we never go out to eat anymore, he never buys me gifts, and he only buys something if is on sale. He's so stingy that when he showers he turns off the water to shampoo and soap up and then turns it on to rinse off. Our relationship is really boring and its just like we are friends. He never takes initiative to plan anything fun and he never has time for me. I see him about 2 hrs each day during his lunch break and after work before he falls asleep. I cant help but feel irritated whenever I'm around him.

 

Now that I can support myself, I find myself not being so interested in Safe Guy anymore. I can buy myself everything that I need.

 

So then there is Hot Guy, someone I've become interested in at work. We don't work directly together so its ok to be interested in him. He is so social and friendly and funny all things I need in a guy. He's also a bad boy which I know is dangerous. He has some large visible tattoos and a son but I'm ok with that, my dad on the other hand would not approve. Hot Guy has made it clear that I'm always on his mind, and other sweet things like that. He always asks me about my day, he looks me in the eyes when we talk like he's genuinely interested in what I am saying. He remembers little things that I tell him and will go out of his way to do something for me. For example: I was unloading some boxes from my car and Safe Guy just walked right past and let me do it alone, at work I was carrying some boxes and Hot Guy saw me and carried the boxes for me. Its little things like this that I am becoming more aware of that I would like my guy to do. I think my interests have changed since I have gone through this major change in my life: College student to starting the rest of my life. I'm kind of living every college graduates dream and I want to make myself as happy as possible.

 

These guys couldn't be anymore different, but I'm also a different person than I was at the beginning of this year.... It may be conceited but I am a good catch, and I don't want to settle for just any guy and have an ordinary life of a white picket fence, one dog and 2.5 kids etc. I want excitement, I'm young yet.

 

What should I do? I have some options: take a break with safe guy and see what I miss, breakup with him, or stay with safe guy. Either way I know I have to take it slow with Hot Guy if I decide to pursue that route.

Please leave your opinion, I need advice from someone external to my situation.

Thanks!

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I honestly had to stop reading your post halfway through because it focused WAY too much on money. Why are you judging these guys only on what they can provide you with? You said you can financially support yourself already. Shouldn't you find someone you genuinely care about?

 

Okay, you're 23. You don't need to be tied down, of course. But I feel you're focusing on the wrong thing here... why is it so important to you?

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I think you should leave safe guy because you are not happy with him. Then do not have a relationship with hot guy either. Spend time with yourself and continue the path of not needing someone to take care of you and cultivate some hobbies, enjoy traveling and going out with your female friends and then date guys later - don't jump from one man to another. And a work relationship is normally bad news. You are getting a kick out of hot guy paying attention and that's fine, but sort yourself out. Often in that situation one automatically goes for the opposite and not for a guy who would really be right for them. Also - is hot guy really dangerous or does he just have tattoos. I would not get tied in and would pick neither of them.

 

btw, you will appreciate safe guy turning the water off when you have a mortgage. and you say you don't want a family and a picket fence - well hot guy already has a kid.

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Well, apparently you are with the safe guy for money. He gives you financial stability.

And now that you don't need him anymore, you want some adventure.

Btw why are you talking about white picked fence, one dog and 2.5 kids?? Did he proposed and you didn't mention? If he didn't propose honey, don't take him for granted like that. He might feel the same way you do about the relationship with you (boring).

And what he does with his money, how he washes his hair, and where he spends or not his money is none of your business. In fact you are so materialist that I'm glad he stopped spending money on you.

You are young, if you are not happy, stop wasting other peoples time, and go live your dream.

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In the past I dated guys for financial security. I've only dated guys with money and the next one was always better off than the last.

 

I have always struggled to understand this.

 

Why do women need/expect financial security from a guy when they themselves can get an education and earn their own money?

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First of all YOU have to stop putting such names to these 'guys'... such judgement.

IF you keep this kind of thing up- you will NEVER find a guy to YOUR 'liking'.

 

You're probablt becoming interested in the 'new' guy because this BF of yours is no longer 'spoiling' you and now you just want to move on.. correct?

I figure that once your new guy stops showing such interest in you, that your fancying now, you'll grow 'bored' of him as well.

 

The thing is.. your new guy will be your 'rebound' and that is not good. YOU need to take some time out- for YOU.

Get yourself together, if you're going to leave you bf.

You need to get comfortable with yourself & mentally stable again. Be happy with YOU.

 

What are you going to be able to offer new guy, if you've still got bf on your mind?

 

I feel you should settle down a bit, get yourself together and just date, randomly. At this stage I can't see you with this new guy and having a picket fence, in any means.

Like you said, you're young.. so live it up.

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I know it sounds bad that I put the focus on money but I tried to say that I want to change. Its how I was raised: that money is important, to find a man who has money and can take care of you. But now that I am on my own and starting my future, I'm trying to change that focus to finding someone that makes me happy. Since I can support myself I'm able to see that more easily. I don't want to focus on money anymore, Its gonna eventually make me miserable.

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Its how I was raised: that money is important, to find a man who has money and can take care of you.

So have a lot of women. Woman like security. So what? That's different than dumping men for "raises" at a moment's notice. The question is, when the honeymoon phase ends with the "hot guy" and he stops kissing your ass to get into you pants, what are you going to do when another, possibly hotter guy, comes along? What happens when he gets a beer gut, and his kid starts saying, "you're not my mom, don't tell me what do!"

 

I think you should dump safe guy, he deserves somebody better. Just because someone get a good job, and money isn't a big deal, doesn't magically make them a better person. I mean seriously, I don't care how good a catch you think you are, you tell a guy what you did in your first post, any man looking for a committed relationship would run for the hills.

 

You want to change? Go see a therapist that can help you realize that relationships with other people are more than "what have you done for me lately?" And don't get with hot guy either until you do. He's just a rebound.

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As far as security, I believe in choosing a partner who has enough money to put food on the table for himself and manage his reasonable and not extravagant bills - a guy who is self sufficient and is not getting help from mom and dad nor living in a box - someone responsible - but other than that, money does not buy happiness or common sense.

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I know it sounds bad that I put the focus on money but I tried to say that I want to change. Its how I was raised: that money is important, to find a man who has money and can take care of you. But now that I am on my own and starting my future, I'm trying to change that focus to finding someone that makes me happy. Since I can support myself I'm able to see that more easily. I don't want to focus on money anymore, Its gonna eventually make me miserable.

 

I understood this from your first post and think people are being a little harsh. You went from a young college girl going out into the world for the first time and leaning on a 'meal ticket' so to speak and clearly have grown/changed into a still young adult who sees that money doesn't buy happiness and that other thoughtful things (bringing your boxes in for you) carry more weight than money does. I think you're moving in the right direction and that you've learned/are learning an important life lesson about money/happiness and more importantly that you can support yourself in your own right with a job you enjoy and that has shifted your perspective on what you need from a man. I think that is wonderful and you learned all of that prior to marriage and getting a nasty divorce. Good for you! The next step is to focus on yourself. You say you can support yourself...so go do that! Move on from 'safe guy' because you're not really inlove with him and it seems like even being near him is irritating to you at this point. Its not fair to him to stay with him when you know he's not 'the one' for you. Get your own place and really experience how independent you've become and how great it feels to not have to rely on anyone for anything. After you've done that, you can start dating again and explore the attraction you have to other non-financial qualities in men and you'll be well on your way to finding a better match for you. But to really 'earn' that, you need to first get out of the relationship you're in and spend some time really supporting yourself so that you know confidently what YOU bring to the table...its not all about the guy meeting your needs....what do you offer him? Find out by getting to know yourself on your own.

Good luck!

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I have always struggled to understand this.

 

Why do women need/expect financial security from a guy when they themselves can get an education and earn their own money?

 

Not everything is about money, but personally, I won't marry a guy who can't secure our life financially

We are woman . We can't make babies, raise them , do things at home, pay the mortgage and support an entire family

So I think it is completely Ok if OP wants a guy who can take care of these things

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Not everything is about money, but personally, I won't marry a guy who can't secure our life financially

We are woman . We can't make babies, raise them , do things at home, pay the mortgage and support an entire family

So I think it is completely Ok if OP wants a guy who can take care of these things

 

I am a woman and I do all of this. At the same time I consider myself very fortunate to have a salary that can support a mortgage, daycare, etc. and I wish I had more time with my daughter. A little spread thin, but I'm doing it. You'd be surprised how well some women fair when rising to the occasion is their only option.

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My mother did all those things too, and she got a degree in the meantime

But it's a matter of who wants what

I think when we have a partner , and especially when we have kids with him/her, we want our partner to contribute in different ways. Otherwise , there is no point in having a partner.

 

And yes , there are cases that it is the only option , but I wasn't talking about when it's the only option

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My mother did all those things too, and she got a degree in the meantime

But it's a matter of who wants what

I think when we have a partner , and especially when we have kids with him/her, we want our partner to contribute in different ways. Otherwise , there is no point in having a partner.

 

And yes , there are cases that it is the only option , but I wasn't talking about when it's the only option

 

Absolutely agree! Especially to "otherwise there's no point to having a partner".

I think the OP is talking about women who want a nice lifestyle and material things in exchange for being their arm candy. Different strokes...

And PS good for your mom. She sounds like a strong woman

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