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LOST - Girlfriend needs time and space and ended it out of nowhere


superman88

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Alright guys...I'm surprised I'm on here but I figured it is worth a shot to get advice from strangers compared to best friends who may provide one sided advice. I hope I'm able to give you all a complete picture so I can get closure one way or another. Going to hopefully make a long story short.

 

I've been dating my now ex for close to a year. We have had the best relationship, never fight. Obviously have disagreements in opinion but it has been great. We are both very headstrong, driven individuals in our careers. I knew her in a college but reconnected with her a year ago at a party. She was dating a guy for 5 or 6 years and they broke up 5 months or so before I met her. The twist is that the guy went to college with me and we were acquaintances in the same social group. I was not good friends with him, never had his number, and made sure I asked around to make sure I was not breaking guy code. All my friends, who were mutual, assured me I was good. I tried to avoid her at the party we met because of all of this but we hit it off that night. She pursued me over the next couple weeks which eventually led to us dating and making it official a few months later.

 

So now to a few more of the details. I found out a few months ago about what some of the reasons were that they actually broke up after 5 or 6 years. She told me that he never put her as a priority. Also, she told me (not up front and was just a couple months ago) that he had bought a ring, asked her dad for permission, and was going to propose to her. I don't actually know if he did or not or if this all came out after they broke up.

 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. Things had been going perfect. We have talked more than a dozen times about getting married (which she would always bring up). She told me how much her parents loved me and she texted me at our one year mark stating how I don't even know how happy I have made her over the past year. We would go on road trips and she would bring up baby names, talk about getting a dog, and eventually moving in when she bought a house. She was in the process of buying a house which she did, about a month ago. She brought me to check it out with her parents and I was involved the entire way. Her parents didn't want her to buy a house pre-marriage but she wanted to get out of an apartment. This is where everything went South.

 

Almost immediately after closing on the house, which was a pricy purchase, she was immediately stressed out and overwhelmed. I don't think I truly knew what she was going through, combined with her being stressed out at work as well. She hosted a Halloween party at her place the following weekend which was great with a bunch of friends. We did a couples costume and it was awesome. We end up going to a local bar. Another point were things went South. Her ex boyfriend ended up being at the bar. We were out together about a month after we started dating and she ran into him at the bar and no issues. I could tell she was upset when we ran into him this time. They didn't talk at all, nor have they since they broke up. I could tell she was off the rest of the night but just left it alone.

 

So a few days later after putting in the offer and they accepted (and after the party), I was over her apartment hanging out. We were talking and hanging out like we always do during the week. She made an off the cuff comment about hoping I don't change and start playing video games all day. Apparently she was joking (which I didn't know) but I kind of tested her and questioned her, asking if she was setting rules for me. She did not take kind to this for some reason. This then turned into something which was really just a misunderstanding from the beginning. Again, the only real time we have had a real disagreement on anything. It has always been true love. 2 days later (Friday), she states that she needs to weekend to clear her mind. I respected her and did not contact her.

 

On Sunday, I texted her to ask how things were going, thinking nothing of it. I then went over her apartment to talk. This is when she sprung it on me that she is overwhelmed with the house, work, and then the comment that made the room stop, seeing her ex had brought back a flood of emotions. I was stunned and heartbroken. This just all came out of nowhere. I was speechless and really didn't know what to say. She just said that she couldn't explain anything, that she needed time to clear her head and needed space, that I didn't really understand how overwhelmed she was because of all of this and the house. I respected that and left speechless without really saying much.

 

Over the course of the next week, we had 2 more face to face meetings where I was still speechless but questioned things more. Stating, "didn't you break up with your ex for a reason", and really just trying to understand everything. She stated she was in it 100% with me up until she saw her ex, which again caused me to be speechless. I then probably made comments that weren't the smartest but stated then the last year was a lie. Again, not angry or yelling but just being honest as to how I felt. I removed her as a friend on facebook and told her I was going to delete her number and just communicate via email because I was hurt and thought she was breaking up with me then.

 

We had a heart to heart phone conversation 3 days after this on Sunday night. I laid it all out on the line...apologized for the insensitive comments, stated how in love with her I am, that I was looking at info on rings prior to all of this. She did state in one of these earlier conversations that moving in prior to marriage was not something she believed in. I always said I thought it was a good idea because I lived with who an ex who was crazy which confirmed that was the right decision to not proceed. She said she went along with the moving in prior to marriage to make me happy, even though this never came up as a true belief of hers. I pretty much laid my entire heart out there on this call and said I would give her that space.

 

So last Tuesday, I texted her and said I understand what she is going through and will support her in any way that I could, obviously still heartbroken but respecting her. She called me later that night and said thank you for saying all of those things but that we were done. Again, out of left field, stunned and lost. No yelling or anger on my end whatsoever. She said she had to follow her heart, even though all of her friends and family said it was a mistake to leave me. Seeing her ex at that bar really messed things up for her. She texted me after the call and said that she was truly sorry for this. I asked her if she had any convo with her ex while we were dating and she said no, which I believe since she has been honest with me the entire time about seeing her ex and bringing feelings/emotions back.

 

Soooo....sorry for that long story but wanted to try and provide all the background info. My question is to both girls and guys on here. Are we completely done or is she going to need weeks/months/years to figure this out? Do I completely move on or do I hold hope? Am I blind to the real issue? It's been over a week since that phone conversation and I have had no contact with her and I don't plan to. I will completely respect her, give her space, and will not contact her whatsoever.

 

What should my next steps be? Obviously I'm reaching out to all of my friends and going out and having a good time but still can't get her out of my head. Again, sorry for the long story but hope I painted a good picture here. Is this a lost cause or hold out hope because of how great we were before these short period of events?

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superman88 we are in the same situation bro, the only i can advice you never wait for someone you never know tomorrow , try your best to move on , right now its hard for me coz i still cant believe that my gf broke my heart , everyday i am crying now but i don't know if she is coming back or not , but what i said to myself i have to move on , there is a better girl out there for me that will love me for me !

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She dated her ex for 5-6 years. That's a lot of time, energy and emotions invested into a relationship and most likely takes a LONG time for someone to heal and get over completely before starting a new relationship with someone else.

 

But she didn't. 5 months later someone new and exciting came along. That person being you. I'm sorry to say that I think you were a rebound. Everything's great in the honeymoon phase but when the novelty wears off and things are starting to get serious, she gets cold feet and couldn't commit. She withdraws and then called it quits.

 

You need to let her go and stop all hope of getting back together, for your own sake. 1) She still has unresolved feelings for her ex that she needs to figure out on her own and 2) do you really want to play second fiddle? I think you deserve to be with someone who isn't using you to get over an ex and who is 100% sure and excited to start a future with you.

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Gluestick, that's not the first time I have heard that. I was afraid to talk/date her from the start because of all of this. I assumed that she was over it and good to go since she pursued me and that when we saw him after the first month, she didn't let it bother her whatsoever.

 

My mother did make the same comment about me being a rebound though. Still surprising how this has all gone down since we talked about marriage and was involved in her buying the house. I guess the way I have to think of it is better it happened now than down the road when we were engaged and/or married and then this happens.

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I dont know if I would classify you as a rebound. To me a rebound is sooner and maybe not last a year with marriage in the talks, but thats what I think. But there is some issues that she never delt with. I dont think she sought professional help after a 5-6yr relationship so there is a lot of unfinished thoughts and doors that she never mentally closed and seeing her X only made it worse because those doors that were cracked open now are wide open and its possible with all the stress of buying a house, college and throw everything else, her mind went to what she was most comfortable with, with what she knew and that was 6yrs with this guy. So when she decided that she was not over her X, she was looking for any excuse to break up with you. She wanted an "out" and you gave it to her unknowingly. She used your off the cuff remarks to justify her reason to break up with you.

Its nothing you did or nothing you could prevent. She made up her mind and it was done...

To me, she is very confused. I am sure she loves you and everything she talked to you about marriage was genuine however Im sure she just swept a lot about her past relationship under the rug and didnt deal with it. The only thing you can really do it just leave her be and let her sort it out. The more you chase you, the more she will run because she is confused as to what she really wants.

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Thanks for the response and confirmation. To clarify too, I'm 29 and she is 26 so the college piece is when her and her ex were dating. Then they dated for a year or two after college.

 

These comments pretty much confirm my thoughts that it wasn't anything I did or could have done. That she needs to figure it out on her own. In the mean time, I will move on. If she comes back down the road, I will cross that bridge.

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"Ended it out of nowhere". Whenever I see that phrase I'm reminded of the fact that when guys think it ended out of nowhere, it often means the woman has thought about this time and time again.

 

But I hope that soon you move on and her confusion is now strictly her problem. Wish you the best in your healing

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Just know there was nothing that could of been done. She decided and you paid for it. Now perhaps in a few months if she contacts you, then like you said, cross that bridge when you get to it. Just for now, know you did no wrong and you have to prepare a happy life without her. But I do hope the best for you weather she is in your life or not

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  • 2 weeks later...

Quick update:

 

The ex is already talking/hanging out with her ex boyfriend per an update from a friend of mine. I haven't had any contact with her and obviously won't have any going forward.

 

Still pretty crazy but I guess I'll never understand girls. They never know what they actually want.

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Let her go dude. She sounds like she still has feelings for her ex and possibly grabbed you to use you to cover up the scars. I know it hurts but what can you do ? She more than likely wont come back. Better to accept it and mourn the loss. Remember the next time if somebody just got out of a Long term relationship tell them no thanks.

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Quick update:

 

The ex is already talking/hanging out with her ex boyfriend per an update from a friend of mine. I haven't had any contact with her and obviously won't have any going forward.

 

Still pretty crazy but I guess I'll never understand girls. They never know what they actually want.

 

not all girls don't know what they want. i was in the same situation as you few years ago and it hurt a lot. your ex was probably pinning for her boyfriend all along. had he shown up earlier, she would've still left you for him. the thing is she never got over her ex and no matter how great or better you are for her, she will never see that because in her eyes she thinks her ex is the only one for her. so she would always be comparing you to him. just don't get yourself involved with a girl who has emotional baggage again.

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But she didn't. 5 months later someone new and exciting came along. That person being you. I'm sorry to say that I think you were a rebound. Everything's great in the honeymoon phase but when the novelty wears off and things are starting to get serious, she gets cold feet and couldn't commit. She withdraws and then called it quits.

 

I was going to type this. SO sorry man. This is rebound territory! She was just out of a long-term relationship ... 5 months is nothing compared to six years.

 

Gluestick, that's not the first time I have heard that. I was afraid to talk/date her from the start because of all of this. I assumed that she was over it and good to go since she pursued me and that when we saw him after the first month, she didn't let it bother her whatsoever.

 

My mother did make the same comment about me being a rebound though.

 

Next time, follow your gut. ... And mama knows best!

 

Quick update:

 

The ex is already talking/hanging out with her ex boyfriend per an update from a friend of mine. I haven't had any contact with her and obviously won't have any going forward.

 

Still pretty crazy but I guess I'll never understand girls. They never know what they actually want.

 

She knows what she wants. She wants to try things with her ex.

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