Jump to content

I don't know what to do anymore.


Recommended Posts

I'm fairly new here so I don't know what all I need to post, for history's sake, to make all of this make sense. I guess I don't. I'll just start with where I'm at now.


I'm struggling with my decision to end my current relationship at the beginning of the new year. I love him, I do. I have a connection with him that is unlike anything else I've ever felt. We've been through a lot being each other's first relationship since we were each divorced. We've come through a lot. But I don't feel that he's for me anymore. I feel like I'm losing it really, trying to sort all of this out.


Plain and simple his actions never match his words. Ever.


I do for him, I try to make him feel special, I do 100% of the house work and make sure the bills are paid. I care for our pets. I work full time. I'm not a drinker or a narcotic drug user. I do smoke cigarettes though and he does too.


He knows that I have 2 deal breakers and they are drug/alcohol addiction and cheating. Those are my boundaries. Yet I've skewed them for him it seems.


I've found out that he uses pills quite frequently. It use to be once in a while, if he needed a little boost of energy and something was around. That was a year ago. He's gotten to where he purchases them 4-10 at a time and if he can't purchase them he goes to the doctor. At least that's my impression. He swears he was truly hurting and I believe he was uncomfortable, but not hurting.

This also came at a time when he learned he would be working a lot of OT. Uppers to help out is what I thought. Is he addicted to them? Or becoming addicted?


He knows I'm exremely sensitive about this as my mother is an addict. The hurt in dealing with those types of personalities is indescribable.


He recenlty bought pot. It's gone now. Two days after is when he made the doctor run. Again, swearing it's nothing more than just something he likes on occasion.


My birthday came and went a few weeks ago. He wasn't able to buy a card, gift, dinner, etc because he was too busy with work and I know he was. Yet this week he managed to find time to go to the dr for pills and he's working more hours this week than the week of my bday. I haven't said that to him because honestly I don't want to fight.


I feel unimportant to him. Like there's never anything he just does "for me". Ever. He's affectionate, sex is great, we don't argue often but when we do it's bad.


I told him a week or so ago that I'm not happy the way things are. I need from him what I give to him. He blames it on work and though he's partially right I'm a firm believer that people invest time and energy into things that are important to them. Simply put if something matters, it shows. He got angry when I said this. My birthday rollled around a few days later and it was just like any other day. He did take me to dinner 2 days later. The steakhouse of his choosing.


In the past he has also said very harsh things to me that I can't forget. I've "forgiven" meaning I don't hold a grudge about them but his words creep into my thoughts a lot. We had an issue with porn (which I use to love) and duirng all of that he told me that while he's attracted to me and loves sex with me I'm not his fantasy and the girls he masturbates to are. So he looks at porn nearly every day. Somtimes he looks more than once a day.


I'm finding myself wondering why I love him so much. Or am I realizing what I thought I loved, well, that's just not who he truly is?


I know that when I'm ready to leave in a few months he'll be upset. We'll both be upset. I know that he'll say that we can work through things and what not. I need the strength to go. I need to be able to know that even though we do care for each other, I'll be better off without him and he may be better off without me. Help?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is just my opinion, but it sounds like he wasn't ready for a serious relationship after his divorce.


He obviously doesn't take you very seriously if you have two VERY REASONABLE request that you need to *Skew* for him.


Everyone has stress in their life from jobs, kids, etc- but that's a part of life that will never go away. Does he need things to be "perfect" in order to treat you with respect?


I am a very liberal woman when it comes to guys and porn. But frankly, his saying that "you aren't his fantasy and these girls are"

1. Is INCREDIBLY disrespectful

2. Shows how little he cares about your feelings

3. Shows a lot of his mindset about women

4. Speaks to his level of priority with you


Of course porn is a fantasy, we all know that. Everyone fantasizes. But for him to outright compare you is beyond ridiculous. would he want you to compare him to Brad Pitt? And say, " Sorry, but Brad is my dream man. You can't come close"


You also mentioned that you seem to be much more responsible than he is regarding daily living.


All of these things are HUGE red flags to me. I think deep down he's just not ready to be in a serious committed relationship, that is one where he has to give equal parts respect, responsability, love and care as much as you do.


Of course, it hurts to break up. Even when we know it's the right thing to do. It's why people stay in bad or complacent situation even when they are very unhappy. Because it's easier to stick with what we know. Even if you know deep in your heart that it's not what you want.

I empathize, deciding to divorce my ex was an incredibly painful decision, even though I knew it was the right one.

And it DID hurt, but I'm not sorry I did it. I came out of it better, and am now in the type of relationship that I always wanted, where I receive as much as I give. But I had I been too afraid, I might still be in that relationship where I was letting myself settle for so much less than I wanted or deserved.


Really think about what you want. Don't settle for less. I don't mean mansions and diamonds, I mean getting back what you put forth. That's what relationships are supposed to be about. To be honest with you, I don't think this guy really wants you. I think he was married, and jumped into a new relationship that have that same kind fo comfort, without really taking you into much consideration.

Just my two, but I'd think long and hard about staying with him if I were you. He sounds like one excuse after another to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^^^^ Everything that redswim said. There needs to be a certain level of compromise in any relationship - romantic, friendship, or otherwise. It is a two way street, and right now you are giving all of you and he's giving maybe 20%. His behavior seems selfish, deluded, disrespectful, and uncaring. It will be difficult, but you should let him be the burden of someone else. You deserve attention and love, to be reminded that you ARE someone's fantasy, and to be at least given some damn respect on your birthday.


You can do better, and you know it. In time, you will look back and thank yourself for making the decision to leave him. You'll be basking in love and respect with someone else, and feeling sorry for him that he is not a mature person, even as an adult.


You can do better, lovely. Stand up for yourself. We get one walk on this earth. Don't waste it on someone like this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys.


I'm feeling really down this week. I guess everything is just hitting home. Hitting hard.


I think he knows the end is near, just like I feel it coming. He sent a lot of messages via text last night. One of them stating that he loves me and misses me. I can't tell you all when he last told me he missed me. It's been well over a year. For the first time it didn't give me that "Awww" feeling. I didn't miss him. I don't miss him. He's taught me not to.


I asked him what was up with it because he never says that. He said he misses me more than I realize he just doesn't always say it. Truly, it felt more like you're acting funny, crying and sad, I think this is what you want to hear so let's try it out.


He asked to see me last night. It was odd. I was trying to be normal. I could feel him getting sad. He wants me to talk. I want to talk. But we've fought these battles already and there's no resolution to them. At one point I wanted to look him square in the face and say, "If I took the word love away from your vocabulary, based upon your actions, how would I know that love is something you feel for me?" But I didn't. I don't know why. Maybe because he gets angry. He is a great talker but his first reaction is always anger so his first responses always cut so deep. Just like with the porn. His first response was you're not my fantasy type. Later he tried to take it back, said he loves this and that about me, he is very much attracted to me and all that. But the damage was already done. That seems to be our routine. I get upset about something, try to talk, he gets angry, says hurtful things, takes them back, wants me to move forward like nothing ever happened.


He said something once not too long ago. We were talking about breaking up. He said he feared that he'd never find another woman that loves him the way I do. I said that's the problem. You should be worried that you'll never find another woman that you love as much as you love me.


He knows I love him. He knows its real. He knows I am have this ability to see the best in people even on their darkest days. He's changed a considerable amount since we've been together. He swears it's because I bring out the best in him.


I am not the most fit woman but I am attractive. He's not complimented me in I don't know how long. I miss being told I'm beautiful, sexy, I look good in a certain outfit, etc. There's a man at work that is kind of flirty. He's the kind that doesn't mean any harm, he's happily married, but he's really outgoing and just flirty on occasion. I normally look past him. But one day a few weeks ago I wore out of work clothes because I had a dinner date with a gal pal after work, no time to change, etc. Work friend says, "Baby girl, you need to wear dressy jeans more often!" Of course I know that he was teasing. But I also know that he wasn't. Although I am not attracted to this man or would ever consider anything dishonorable, his words made me feel good. I told my boyfriend about it like I always tell him about his man's antics. The boyfriend normally teases me over things. But this time he got mad. Said the guy was going too far. Maybe so I guess. It defintely didn't make my boyfriend think about what he's not doing, which is what I'd hoped.


Ya know, I don't need a complete softy. I don't need to be coddled every moment of the day. I like a strong, rough man. But I need the sweet side. I need to be told nice things on occasion. I would love a nice card for my birthday, maybe a dinner made just by him. He's an excellent cook actually. Or we can cook together. I just need to feel recognized or special sometimes. He's not Mr. GQ but I do crave him physically. There are parts of his body that are absolutely unattractive but I'd never dare say anything about it, and those parts don't turn me off. I just don't pay attention to them.


I may not be making any sense just jumping around from subject to subject. I'm sorry. I'm just hurting. I'm scared. I know he loves me. Just not enough to show me. And I do deserve better than that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...