Why do all women ignore nice quiet guys like myself?

[agent1607307371]

I use to naively think that because I was a friendly, polite and quiet person I would eventually attract the interest of a woman

 

Because?

 

Look at the way you talk about women - as though they owe you something just for being there.

 

Look at the way you talk about men - just because they manage to meet a woman they like you call them arrogant and scumbags - when really they're probably just normal blokes.

[Seraphim]

I don't go into relationships to "fix" somebody else, nor do I expect someone to do that for me. If you are shy and it's affecting your life, fix it. My guess is that dating is not the only area it affects. So you can wait for the rest of the world to change, or you can change yourself. Your choice.

 

But ,yes ,no one should enter a relationship to "fix "somebody. It is the responsibility of every grown person to fix themselves if they feel there is something wrong.

[nicequietguy]

I don't see why having a lack of confidence and low self esteem should detract away from being 'nice, quiet and well mannered person' which I am so that really undermines your argument and as for type casting genders you know I don't actually go round expressing these views to women so that further puts paid to your theory.

[Kendahke]

they never bother to try and fix us quiet guys who lack confidence don't they realise if they gave us some attention instead of the confident idiots for a change we might actually gain some confidence. Its not right that so many good quiet guys who lack confidence like myself are single because women are only interested in confident, competitive, outgoing and socially accepted men..

 

No person should waste their time with a renovation project unless it's putting money into the equity of one's home. Fixing a character trait is the job for a therapist, not a girlfriend or a friend.

 

Come whole to the relationship or stay home.

[Kendahke]

I don't see why having a lack of confidence and low self esteem should detract away from being 'nice, quiet and well mannered person' which I am so that really undermines your argument and as for type casting genders you know I don't actually go round expressing these views to women so that further puts paid to your theory.

 

because lack of confidence and low self esteem are energy drains that most people are not equipped to deal with. They end up destroying the relationship, especially when one thinks they don't have a problem when it's obvious like the nose on their face that they do. When they feel the gravitational pull of that, emotionally healthy people will avoid it.

 

One can be "nice, quiet and well mannered" and not be an energy drain. They are not mutually exclusive.

[itsallgrand]

I don't see why having a lack of confidence and low self esteem should detract away from being 'nice, quiet and well mannered person' which I am so that really undermines your argument and as for type casting genders you know I don't actually go round expressing these views to women so that further puts paid to your theory.

 

It detracts because when a person has low self confidence/ self esteem, it impairs their judgment and influences the trust. Speaking personally. I don't trust people who have not yet figured out their own worth and can be solid in that. Why? Because they can't truly appreciate other people's true worth yet either. I wouldn't trust them to have my back when it counts.

 

You don't have to agree. That is my explanation though. Self confidence is necessary for strong character and integrity, IMO. It doesn't mean a person will have that...but it's a necessary component.

 

As for the other, you don't need to go around saying those things for people to feel the hostility. Trust me, people will sense it.

[Blue Spiral]

allcity said:

 

"And you know what? Every nice, quiet, shy woman I've ever known has never blamed men for not hitting on her. She's just worked on not being quite so shy and has stayed genuinely nice."

 

But those nice, shy, quiet women were probably attractive, to some degree. Men don't care if women are shy, we tend to care if they're attractive. If you want to find the (justifiably) bitter women, talk to the ones that aren't attractive. Saying "Shy girls can find love!" is like saying "Men with great singing voices can find love!" Women don't care; it's a non-factor.

 

Briansomenumber said:

 

"If you want money, you need to work. If you want to eat, you need food. If you whine and do nothing, yeah maybe someone throws you a bone but most likely you don't get paid and you don't eat."

 

That's...sort of a non-sequitur, isn't it?

 

The OP is being accused of feeling like he's "owed something", and I've been accused of that, myself. It isn't true, at least for me. I was merely naive enough to think that being nice/polite was the main thing necessary for getting a relationship. No one ever told me about all these other requirements and demands. Women's expectations have changed, and that's fair enough, but please give these guys time to figure that out. The women in my family told me to treat women well, they never mentioned anything about advanced social skills or social networking skills (which wasn't even a term, back then) or those sorts of things. The advice I was given was basically, "If you're nicer than Johnny down the block, the girl next door will like you." Little did I realize that I was competing in a global, 21st century marketplace.

[Snny]

Culturally speaking, my fiance wasn't the "loud" type. Though he was "quiet" and not advertising his business/situations to other people, he had confidence to ask a woman out who belonged to a different culture and was of a different color. He didn't let westernized media taboos tell him that Asian men are asexual, unattractive to other women of color, or are incapable of forming a relationship with a person from a different culture.

 

Confidence (not cockiness) shines over anything. It tells me a lot about who you are. If you are not a strong person in my eyes, I will look over you. That's how the real world works in any social circles. If you cannot self-advocate for yourself and let others push you around, that brings trouble to the relationship table. To me, you're not mature enough to make consecutive adult choices.

 

I knew that what I said would flush you out. Any guy who states "I'm a nice guy" usually isn't.

So, no, you're not a nice guy. You're the "you owe me " guy.

You're seething with animosity and the whole "it's so unfair to me", overblown entitlement attitude and THAT is what turns off most women and why you won't have a girlfriend until you go see a therapist about that little thing.

Can't agree with this even more. It's really time to change the way you approach people or even think about them.

[nicequietguy]

Women value strength, and they have very specific ideas about how to define it. Social factors are a major component. How confident someone appears to be, how successful/ambitious they are, how many social connections they have, how they relate to their friends and family, etc. If one doesn't have their ideal kind of strength--or doesn't want to have it--one is going to be out of luck. Don't hold it against them, though. Men value things that leave many women out of luck.

 

According to certain other posters, your problem will always be your fault. The modern relationship concept is apparently like communism...it can't fail, it can only be failed. The fact that you've made it to 28 without getting any attention/experience is a sign that the system is working perfectly! (For them, anyway...)

 

Well you've certainly told it how it is. Women value strength in men and look for this in how confident and socially accepted they are being a good person isn't really a factor for some women (certainly not from what I've seen). Women are biologically hardwired to be attracted to a certain type of man (lets call it the alpha male for arguments sake although I could think of other names) and it all goes back to natural selection women are instinctively attracted to these males and don't like passive and quiet guys like myself because we buck the evolutionary trends.

[Blue Spiral]

Well you've certainly told it how it is. Women value strength in men and look for this in how confident and socially accepted they are being a good person isn't really a factor for some women (certainly not from what I've seen). Women are biologically hardwired to be attracted to a certain type of man (lets call it the alpha male for arguments sake although I could think of other names) and it all goes back to natural selection women are instinctively attracted to these males and don't like passive and quiet guys like myself because we buck the evolutionary trends.

 

Whether it's cultural, evolutionary, or some combination of the two, the simple truth is that some people lack the traits that the other gender values. It can be because you can't develop those traits, or because you don't want to develop them. (Women may not like me the way I am, but I do.) But it's a moot point, as one needs to find happiness on their own, as opposed to trying to find it in other people. I recommend doing what you enjoy 95% of the time, and venting on ENA the other 5%. If you spend too much time thinking about the unfairness of it all, you'll go crazy.

[superfan]

OP, women are not avoiding you because you are a "nice guy". In fact, what you are is the very opposite. You are an embittered misogynist who has adopted a 'poor me' martyr persona and has used his bad luck to justify hating and making sweeping generalizations about an entire gender.

 

You are angry because women don't notice you but make no effort to BE noticed. My husband is VERY shy....and quiet....and polite....and nice. I attempted to flirt when I first met him and he didn't seem interested, so I gave up. If HE hadn't made an effort to show me I was interested, we wouldn't be together. No, it wasn't "his job" to make a move, however when I SHOWED interest and he did not reciprocate, what else was I to think?

 

It is possible you were shown signs from women in the past that (being socially awkward) you failed to interpret properly. This is not a woman's fault. If you cannot show a woman you are interested, she can't read your mind. It's not necessarily "confidence" it's common sense.

 

You want to get a girlfriend? You need to work on yourself because NO woman wants to be with a man who doesn't like women. Why would we?

[nicequietguy]

allcity said OP is being accused of feeling like he's "owed something", and I've been accused of that, myself. It isn't true, at least for me. I was merely naive enough to think that being nice/polite was the main thing necessary for getting a relationship. No one ever told me about all these other requirements and demands. Women's expectations have changed, and that's fair enough, but please give these guys time to figure that out. The women in my family told me to treat women well, they never mentioned anything about advanced social skills or social networking skills (which wasn't even a term, back then) or those sorts of things. The advice I was given was basically, "If you're nicer than Johnny down the block, the girl next door will like you." Little did I realize that I was competing in a global, 21st century marketplace.

 

I can see where your coming from I too use to naively think being a polite and quiet guy would get me a girlfriend and how mistaken I was. I wish someone had of told me the truth right from the start that women are only attracted to confident guys and the more confident the better even if it is to the detriment of other qualities e.g. politeness and humbleness which women and society in general don't seem to care for anymore instead of having illusions about life which aren't real and has lead to disappointment on my part.

 

When it comes down to it women choose man based on instinctive attraction to certain characteristics in males (confidence, competitiveness, social status anything which denotes an alpha male) and relationships are based on mutual self interest and social and economic compatibility any notion such as 'love' between men and women is egotism and false. Love is irrational hormonal reactions and then convenience it's about time we got this straight.

[allcity]

Guys, by your logic the only men that ever get dates are gorgeous, super-confident, great at flirting and have no self-doubt in their life.

 

If that was the case, then how come most men in the world don't fit any of those categories and yet still do just fine?

 

Seriously, how? Do you really look out into the world and not see the millions of boring, unattractive, average joes with a girlfriend/wife by their side?

[nicequietguy]

I don't go into relationships to "fix" somebody else, nor do I expect someone to do that for me. If you are shy and it's affecting your life, fix it. My guess is that dating is not the only area it affects. So you can wait for the rest of the world to change, or you can change yourself. Your choice.

 

But plenty of women seen to enter into relationships to fix the 'bad boy' scumbags out of deluded notion they can change them or because such a piece of has actually shown you attention in the first place and you find these type of men 'exciting' and 'challenging' while a quiet and polite guy like me who lacks confidence is boring and needy.

[nicequietguy]

Guys, by your logic the only men that ever get dates are gorgeous, super-confident, great at flirting and have no self-doubt in their life.

 

If that was the case, then how come most men in the world don't fit any of those categories and yet still do just fine?

 

Seriously, how? Do you really look out into the world and not see the millions of boring, unattractive, average joes with a girlfriend/wife by their side?

 

It all goes back to confidence and other alpha male traits (e.g. all that protector, provider crap) which most men have but the genuinely nice and quiet guys like myself struggle with so therefore women ignore, reject or even ridicule us. If you're a polite, quiet and passive guy who lacks confidence you might as well give up you have to at least have something bordering on confidence and assertiveness (so some idiot traits) for women to notice you.

[BrianH46]

Uhhhh, the argument does indeed follow.

 

If you aim towards "women that only find confident men attractive" and are so convinced that this is what is required... why are you complaining about their tastes? Is it fair you get hungry? Is it fair you need money? If you want to date women who finds confident men attractive well your only choice is to develop some confidence. There is no fallacy there. The OP obviously knows what is required because he claims he has experienced this over and over

[Moontiger]

I find it interesting OP, that you want to know what to do about your problems with women and when the most qualified people (women themselves) tell you, you are upset with the answer.

 

You want a woman to just come up to you and instantly know you are a great guy. That is a very entitled attitude and its not going to happen. Women observe men. Are they funny? Out going? If shy, are they sweet? Do you attempt to make conversation? Or are they snobby and think they are better then everyone else? Now, women can of course misinterpret a man. But unless you put yourself out there nothing will change.

 

I cannot post a link to it from the computer I am at but if you want to know what you need to do to improve your life google: "6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person"

 

The bottom line is your can sit at your computer and complain or you can take active steps to change your situation. The choice is yours and only one of them leads to the results you are looking for.

 

EDIT: Put another way, lets say you want an apartment. Everywhere you look people have this weird idea you should have to do a background check and pay a deposit! How dare they! They should know what a great and honest tenant you will be just by looking at you. So, feeling angry you never get a place to live and tell anyone who will listen how how these places are so unfair/mean/rude/whatever.

[allcity]

What makes you feel that you are a nice guy? And what makes confidence an 'idiot trait'?

 

I'm not saying that you're not a nice guy...I'm genuinely just asking what you feel makes you a truly nice and good person?

 

I understand that you're frustrated right now but you're not really showing many signs of being a nice and good person in your comments here.

[nicequietguy]

Because?

 

Look at the way you talk about women - as though they owe you something just for being there.

 

Look at the way you talk about men - just because they manage to meet a woman they like you call them arrogant and scumbags - when really they're probably just normal blokes.

 

Well if I'd been talking like this my entire life I'd agree with your argument but considering my views on women have only gradually formed in the past few years after a lifetime of being ignored by women completely cancels your point out.

[Blue Spiral]

Guys, by your logic the only men that ever get dates are gorgeous, super-confident, great at flirting and have no self-doubt in their life.

 

If that was the case, then how come most men in the world don't fit any of those categories and yet still do just fine?

 

Seriously, how? Do you really look out into the world and not see the millions of boring, unattractive, average joes with a girlfriend/wife by their side?

 

I said that women want strength, not that women want (or rather, can attain) unusually-successful men. Though they certainly try (google "hypergamy").

 

The average men I see in the world tend to be with overweight women who are much less attractive than them. The woman presumably played with alphas for a while, lost her attractiveness, got beat out by younger/hotter competitors, and had to settle. The man was ignored by women in his own "league", because women want better than, not equal to, and had to settle as well.

 

Do "most men do just fine"? Well, in the sense that they can get a relationship for a while, yes. But there's a large and growing minority of men that aren't doing just fine. An increasingly-large underclass of men who can't get a relationship (because they're working with the old rules and expectations, as opposed to the new ones) = bad for society as a whole, I think.

[Blue Spiral]

If you want to date women who finds confident men attractive well your only choice is to develop some confidence.

 

I don't want to date anyone. I'd rather be with women that don't care about confidence. But I never managed to find any, so I eventually gave up. If you know of some, please, point me their way.

[nicequietguy]

What makes you feel that you are a nice guy?

 

I'm not saying that you're not...I'm genuinely just asking what you feel makes you a truly nice and good person?

 

I understand that you're frustrated right now but you're not really showing many signs of being a nice and good person in your comments here.

 

Do you people have some difficulty understanding that I don't go round expressing these views 'real life' and that someone can be completely different in how they portray themselves in a different environment? I think I'm a nice guy because in 'real life' I'm polite (over polite actually), quietly spoken, passive, humble and retiring and if that isn't good enough for women they can go **** themselves or their alpha male lackys. It's not me that's got the problem it's this unfair thing we call life which is the problem.

[allcity]

But there's a large and growing minority of men that aren't doing just fine. An increasingly-large underclass of men who can't get a relationship (because they're working with the old rules and expectations, as opposed to the new ones)

 

But there's a lot of single and unhappy women, though, that can't get a date either. And many of them them are wonderful people that really do have a lot to offer and have no anger, bitterness towards men etc.

 

Trust me, I know a lot of them. And they don't have unrealistically high standards, either.

 

Isn't that just the nature of life in general? Some people get what they want and some people don't. It's not a gender thing. It's a life thing.

[Seraphim]

So all women are in the wrong? You may not discuss it but they KNOW you think it. 90% of communication is non verbal. Did you come to beat up on women or get help?

[annie24]

Do you people have some difficulty understanding that I don't go round speaking expressing these views 'real life' and that someone can be completely different in how they portray themselves in a different environment? I think I'm a nice guy because in 'real life' I'm polite (over polite actually), quietly spoken, passive, humble and retiring and if that isn't good enough for women they can go **** themselves or their alpha male lackys. It's not me that's got the problem it's this unfair thing we call life which is the problem.

 

I consider myself nice but I'm single too. Nice on its own is not really enough. If your greatest attribute is that you don't punch women, that's not really great.