Why do all women ignore nice quiet guys like myself?

[nicequietguy]

I'm 28 years old and I've never been in a relationship with a woman, had a girlfriend or even ever had a friend who was female. I'm a quiet and polite person who lacks confidence and despite being a friendly person I struggle to socialize with people in groups. It seems that women only notice guys who have confidence.

 

When I was younger I use to naively think that because I was a friendly, polite and quiet person I would eventually attract the interest of a woman now I realize how wrong I was and that women are only interested in confident men and it doesn't necessarily matter to some women if they are idiots so long as they are confident which seems to be the be all and end all for most women. Its not right that quiet, polite and socially awkward guys like myself are completely ignored or rejected by women (we never even get noticed to be rejected!) and I have no intention and am not capable of changing who I am and there isn't anything wrong with being quiet, overpolite and socially awkward and women should start to notice men like me instead of only acknowledging the confident male idiots who compete for their attention.

 

Women always ignore and reject quiet and polite guys like myself and always go for the confident and alpha male types or even the 'bad boys' because they find them exciting and have some deluded notion they can fix them (yeah good luck with that) but they never bother to try and fix us quiet guys who lack confidence don't they realise if they gave us some attention instead of the confident idiots for a change we might actually gain some confidence. Its not right that so many good quiet guys who lack confidence like myself are single because women are only interested in confident, competitive, outgoing and socially accepted men.

 

It seems that women value confidence in a man more than anything and to some women it doesn't even seem to matter if the man they have a relationship with is a good person or not (and it's usually not believe me I've seen plenty of scumbags in relationships and not always with similar women) so long as he is confident. I suppose the reason for this is that women are instinctively attracted to alpha males and alpha males are always confident and competitive so women being attracted to 'bad boys' and 'scumbags' is probably a by product of this.

 

Also please don't say I'm attracted to the wrong sort of women because looks aren't important to me and never have been but from what I've noticed even the quiet or shy females are still predominately attracted to the 'bad boy' and alpha males types the difference being that shy females have more chance of having a relationship than quiet males because men are expected to make the first move and so our always competing for female attention so eventually even a quiet or shy female will be approached (particularly if she's good looking which isn't fair) while a quiet man like me is condemned to being single and alone.

 

Some people might dispute what I've said here (I wonder how many of them have never been in a relationship like myself? None I should think) but what I'll say is that I've always been a friendly, polite and quiet person and never once has a women ever shown interest in me maybe if it had of happened just once I might hold a different opinion but all my life I've watched the confident and arrogant guys along with the idiots get all the women while I've been left behind.

 

I just think its sickening and unfair the way women ignore and reject nice quiet guys who lack confidence but always fall over themselves for the confident and arrogant idiots.

[Furbys]

Do not tar all women with the same brush. Some women go for bad boys, some women go for quieter guys. You just have been unlucky at the moment and perhaps your are in the wrong crowd and need to meet new people.

 

Ive always dated the quiet types and that is because I am quiet myself.

[Moontiger]

Well, women do value confidence. But I don't think that's the main problem her (a factor yes).

 

You seem to feel you are owed a woman. I have seen this kind of thinking a lot recently. Women are not mind reads and most are tried from a young age to never being the one to go after the man, rather, to always let the man come after them (watch any rom-com, read any romantic literature, anything and you will find it is always the man who is the aggressor).

 

If you don't talk to woman, if you don't make your interest known if a polite way, if you sit quietly and watch the world go by, well, that's on you. Women are not mind readers. Its the guys that talk to them that get their attention because they are talking to them.

 

So, the answer is to work on your anxiety in group settings. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

[Kendahke]

I think it's just as sickening to listen to grown men whine about all women based upon the small sampling of women they've encountered in their lives who didn't submit themselves to said guy's overblown sense of entitlement to have whoever he felt he should have just because he wanted them. Women aren't obligated to give nice quiet guys the time of day just because you exist. Every human is entitled to their preferences; a woman does not have to give up her own autonomy just because you want to date her.

[mhowe]

Instead of blaming the women of the planet who have conspired against you and ignored you --- because you did not speak....why not take steps to build

your confidence and overcome your shyness.

[annie24]

Sometimes "quiet" can be misinterpreted as uninterested or snobbish. If you don't ever approach women, how are they to know if you are interested?

[nicequietguy]

I think it's just as sickening to listen to grown men whine about all women based upon the small sampling of women they've encountered in their lives who didn't submit themselves to said guy's overblown sense of entitlement to have whoever he felt he should have just because he wanted them. Women aren't obligated to give nice quiet guys the time of day just because you exist. Every human is entitled to their preferences; a woman not have to give up her own autonomy just because you want to date her.

 

You women are welcome to your preferences e.g.:

 

Muscle bound testosterone fuelled meat heads, cocky idiots, chav scum, self important alpha male morons or just the general smug and self satisfied arrogant guys who you women seem to adore so much because they have that all important commodity called confidence! To be honest the sort of men I've seen women flocking to throughout my life has actually put me off women quite a bit.

 

Women are instinctively attracted to confident men (the more confident the better) it all goes back to natural selection were females only choose the strongest and most successful males as partners to procreate with which is still happening today even if women wouldn't like to admit it. And if you don't like that there are studies to show women can be attracted to males with higher levels of testosterone.

 

It makes me laugh when I hear women saying they want a 'real man' or 'man up' and you say you want equality with men but you still expect men to make the first move and be providers and protectors to you. Why can't women just be honest and say we are only interested in strong and confident men (even if there arseholes) because that is how we are biologically hardwired. I'm not saying there aren't exceptions to this but from my own experience I've not seen anything which contradicts the essence of what I am say.

[allcity]

This whole idea that all women ignore nice, quiet, shy guys and always go for the so-called 'alpha male' is total crap!

 

The reality is that most nice, quiet, shy guys just don't register much on anyone's radar, as they're mostly sat nicely, quietly and shyly in the corner like a potted plant, speaking to no one and not showing their personality.

 

It's not that women don't like nice, quiet, shy guys. It's that they aren't getting the chance to know the nice, quiet, shy guy.

 

To all nice, quiet, shy guys...try and develop your confidence a bit, speak up a bit more, let your great personality shine a bit more and you'll see plenty of results.

 

Ask any woman and they'll tell you that nice, quiet, shy guys beat mean, loudmouth, extroverts any day of the week!

 

And how do I know this?! Because I'm a nice, quiet, shy guy that isn't too nice, too quiet or too shy and I have always done very well. Plus, of course, I'm not a woman hater...which helps!

 

There are plenty of other misogynists here at ENA, though, so you should expect a flood of them to pop up here and agree with you any second now!

[nicequietguy]

Instead of blaming the women of the planet who have conspired against you and ignored you --- because you did not speak....why not take steps to build

your confidence and overcome your shyness.

 

Why should I have to? I'm a friendly and polite person that should be enough.

 

To me it really seems quite shallow the way women insist the men they go out with have to be confident as if confidence is the overriding defining characteristic of someone.

[JJ2980]

nicequitguy

 

What have you done to date in relation to trying to build friendships with women?

 

Or do you assume that one should just walk up to you because you're quiet by nature?

 

I have struggled with shyness over my life but I no longer do so except for the odd occasion but even in its most crippling moments I would still work up the will to talk to others. I used to make it a point to ask people questions about themselves and it usually started the ball rolling. People like to talk about what they do and I much preferred to listen. What I'm trying to say is that with any relationship whether it be platonic or romantic you have to make some effort to engage others in conversation. You can't sit back and expect they'll come to you.

[nicequietguy]

That is a load of rubbish.

 

If quiet guys beat the loud and confident guys in the eyes of women why is it they only speak to the confident guys and ignore or laugh at the quiet guys like myself. You're not a nice quiet and shy guy no matter what you say because if you were you would never have had a girlfriend or more probably you're older than me and remember a time when women might not have been so choosey like they are today. When being a polite and quiet person with good manners was still valued even if you didn't have confidence. Women just want confidence and you must have it so don't try and say I'm wrong.

[mhowe]

If I want a potted plant, I will purchase one at the nursery.

 

What I want in a date is a man who can converse on a topic --- not a needy child who needs to be drawn out because he has....no confidence.

 

Why should I have to? I'm a friendly and polite person that should be enough.

 

To me it really seems quite shallow the way women insist the men they go out with have to be confident as if confidence is the overriding defining characteristic of someone.

[LoveSoDeep]

I think you are drawing some unnecessary conclusions here. A person can be quiet and confident. So why don't you just work on your quiet confidence?

 

I agree women in general find confidence appealing.....but so do men. So lets just say humans in general prefer a confident person over an insecure person. While some women may prefer an outgoing man as opposed to a quiet one or a bad boy as opposed to a nice guy those qualities are usually in addition to their level of confidence. Your being polite and quiet are not a problem but if you lack confidence, that is going to be a bigger issue.

 

If groups make you insecure you might try on-line dating so that you can set up one on one dates with women instead of trying to stick out in a crowd of alpha males at a club or other group venue.

[BrianH46]

That is a load of rubbish.

 

If quiet guys beat the loud and confident guys in the eyes of women why is it they only speak to the confident guys and ignore or laugh at the quiet guys like myself. You're not a nice quiet and shy guy no matter what you say because if you were you would never have had a girlfriend or more probably you're older than me and remember a time when women might not have been so choosey like they are today. When being a polite and quiet person with good manners was still valued even if you didn't have confidence. Women just want confidence and you must have it so don't try and say I'm wrong.

 

You don't sound very nice or polite to women. In fact the way you write is quite hostile, misogynistic and bitter. You can act nice and polite I guess? However women will pick up on guys like you from a mile away.

[Blue Spiral]

I'm 28 years old and I've never been in a relationship with a woman, had a girlfriend or even ever had a friend who was female. I'm a quiet and polite person who lacks confidence and despite being a friendly person I struggle to socialize with people in groups. It seems that women only notice guys who have confidence.

 

Women value strength, and they have very specific ideas about how to define it. Social factors are a major component. How confident someone appears to be, how successful/ambitious they are, how many social connections they have, how they relate to their friends and family, etc. If one doesn't have their ideal kind of strength--or doesn't want to have it--one is going to be out of luck. Don't hold it against them, though. Men value things that leave many women out of luck.

 

According to certain other posters, your problem will always be your fault. The modern relationship concept is apparently like communism...it can't fail, it can only be failed. The fact that you've made it to 28 without getting any attention/experience is a sign that the system is working perfectly! (For them, anyway...)

[Kendahke]

I knew that what I said would flush you out. Any guy who states "I'm a nice guy" usually isn't.

So, no, you're not a nice guy. You're the "you owe me " guy.

You're seething with animosity and the whole "it's so unfair to me", overblown entitlement attitude and THAT is what turns off most women and why you won't have a girlfriend until you go see a therapist about that little thing.

[nicequietguy]

nicequitguy

 

What have you done to date in relation to trying to build friendships with women?

 

Or do you assume that one should just walk up to you because you're quiet by nature?

 

I have struggled with shyness over my life but I no longer do so except for the odd occasion but even in its most crippling moments I would still work up the will to talk to others. I used to make it a point to ask people questions about themselves and it usually started the ball rolling. People like to talk about what they do and I much preferred to listen. What I'm trying to say is that with any relationship whether it be platonic or romantic you have to make some effort to engage others in conversation. You can't sit back and expect they'll come to you.

 

I don't see the point in trying to socially interact with women anymore when I was younger and made more effort in social situations I would always be friendly, polite and passive (didn't get me anywhere) but would be marginalised by the more confident, assertive and outgoing men who would always divert the attention of the females toward themselves and I would disappear. I don't want to ever go there again because it would just be the same thing again.

[allcity]

That is a load of rubbish

 

Well, all I can tell you is that 90% or more of the men I've worked with over the past ten years have all been nice, quiet, shy AND not great looking, not rich and not particularly fun or charming even when you get to know them.

 

And they're ALL happily married!

 

And you know what? Every nice, quiet, shy woman I've ever known has never blamed men for not hitting on her. She's just worked on not being quite so shy and has stayed genuinely nice.

 

Unlike the self-proclaimed 'nice' guys that are in fact nothing more than hostile, angry jerks that just think that they're nice and somehow believe that the world owes them happiness.

[itsallgrand]

"Nice, quiet, well mannered" and "confident" don't have to be at odds nor contradictory elements you know!!

 

Nothing beats a modest, well mannered good person in my books.

 

Lack of confidence and low self esteem, having problems with type casting genders - that is where the issue lies for you. You can be pissed off all you want that people don't trust these qualities (and there is a reason they don't) ...but after it is all said and done, being pissed off won't get you what you want here. For a woman to appreciate you.

 

And at the end of the day, it's your life and the results of what you choose you have to live with - not us.

 

You just need to find a way to drop the pissed off at women bit and the fear of rejection. If you do that, you will see a difference, guaranteed.

 

But the only way to know that is to do it.

[BrianH46]

Women value strength, and they have very specific ideas about how to define it. Social factors are a major component. How confident someone appears to be, how successful/ambitious they are, how many social connections they have, how they relate to their friends and family, etc. If one doesn't have their ideal kind of strength--or doesn't want to have it--one is going to be out of luck. Don't hold it against them, though. Men value things that leave many women out of luck.

 

According to certain other posters, your problem will always be your fault. The modern relationship concept is apparently like communism...it can't fail, it can only be failed. The fact that you've made it to 28 without getting any attention/experience is a sign that the system is working perfectly! (For them, anyway...)

 

If you want money, you need to work. If you want to eat, you need food. If you whine and do nothing, yeah maybe someone throws you a bone but most likely you don't get paid and you don't eat.

[bulletproof]

 

...but they never bother to try and fix us quiet guys who lack confidence

 

I don't go into relationships to "fix" somebody else, nor do I expect someone to do that for me. If you are shy and it's affecting your life, fix it. My guess is that dating is not the only area it affects. So you can wait for the rest of the world to change, or you can change yourself. Your choice.

[Seraphim]

My husband was very quiet and shy when I met him. In fact when he asked me out I had to finish his question for him. In fact he was stuttering so much I had to ask him if he was asking me out. And then I replied yes I would go out with him. So there's that theory blown out of the water that women don't like nice quiet, shy men. I married one.

[kitkat620]

You're making confidence sound like a sin. Having confidence is not a bad thing. Thinking highly of oneself is not a bad thing.

If you're as friendly and polite as you claim, then obviously you haven't been at the right place at the right time.

Being closed minded, judgemental and rude to all women is not going to get you a date or a meeting.

I understand you are frustrated, but things are not going to change for you unless you change whatever it is you are doing to try and attract a female. When something doesn't work it is time to fix it.

[Seraphim]

But something stated as" All women or All men " is a huge overblown generalization. We could easily ask why ALL men want sex handed out on a first date. ( yes ,I know that is not a reality)

[mhowe]

Or ALL quiet men have little egos, no self confidence, yet a huge sense of entitlement and think that equality and women asking THEM out are the same thing.

Not.