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Parents want honesty, but then don't let me do things...


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I've had severe trust issues with my parents for several years now. I've never trusted them, and in return I would lie time to time to them about where I was going/what I was doing the nights when I've decided to go out to parties, hang out with friends and drink a little bit. SO because I've lied, they don't trust me. I lied/lie to them because although I'm well behaved most of the time, If i tell them I want to go out till 1, I won't drink, I'm the DD, and im coming back home... They still either won't let me go, or create a tantrum about it. I'm 18 years old, and back in highschool I never went to parties, I never smoked anything.. I've always considered myself a very respectful girl, thanks to my parents. I now go to college, I'm a straight A student, I RARELY drink/go to parties. probably 3 to 4 times a year max. But I just really wish I could just tell my parents that I'm going out, and that i'll be back at such and such time and that theyll trust me withought them causing such a huge, tremendous tantrum about it. I hate lying but then I do it because they literally will not let me do anything If i don't/

 

My mother will literally yell at me, and will ask me to give her the address of where im going, my friends phone number, etc. and i find it so embarrassing sometimes because I know she loves me and she just wants me to be safe but preventing me and holding me back from doing anything fun, or enjoying myself and getting out of the house relaxes my mind and she refuses to let me do that. And especially the way she thinks she's letting me do things is not fair..

 

Today I decided to tell her about this party I want to go to this weekend, which will be the after-party of a formal for a university in the city that a lot of my friends go to and then she told me I wasn't respecting myself because the guy who invited me didnt invite me to the formal, but yet the after party. WHICH to me makes sense because I don't go to that school, but going to the after-party just to hang out sounds perfectly fine to me. SO now she says that because I didnt get invited to the formal, he thinks of me disrespectfully. I just hate her coming to these irrational conclusions about me not respecting myself. I value my body, so much, so much more than other teenagers. I don't have boyfriends and I've only had sex with one person in my whole life so far and that was with my longterm ex bf. I don't like tattoos, I'm pretty spiritual.. I don't do drugs, I just.. I hate the fact that she judges me.

 

 

So in conclusion, this is typically what happends, when I decide to tell my parents the truth about where I'm going they make up some bs for me not to go. I'm so jealous of the relationship my friends have with their parents, they tell their parents where theyre going, what time theyll be back and they have complete trust in them. I know my parents don't trust me because I've screwed it up in the past and theyve found out later on, but everytime I feel like I want to change the relationship I have with them now, It just doesn't work out.

 

Please help, any suggestions on how I can improve my relationship with my parents? What else could I possibly to do change this?

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Honey, the only solution to this is to move out. That's the only way to break their hold over you.

 

I stopped working and moved back home to take care of my mother who has cancer. I'm 28 years old and believe me, I still get the third degree if I go out for a night on the town as a break ("where are you going?! Are you going to drink?! What time will you be back?!").

 

Their house, their rules.

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You have a history of lying, and that is hard to overcome.

I think that you are mad in part, because your mother is right. By not inviting you to the formal, but only the after party --- it is a bit disrespectful. But instead

being upset with the guy --- you aim your frustration at your mother.

 

I don't think she is discounting all the positive things you are doing right -- but by lying, you have displayed some poor decision making.

 

Why not sit down and calmly talk about this -- that you will be home, she can have "the number" --- that you neither drink nor do drugs.

Ask her what it will take to rebuild the trust.

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Why have you never trusted your parents? I don't know if I missed that part or if it wasn't explained.

 

I think at 18 you don't have to ask your parents anything. You tell them, respectfully, what you are doing. And if they think that you are still a child who they have the authority to impose rules and regulations on; the only way they can continue to think that is if you play that game.

 

If it requires moving out to be respected as an adult, then you do that. A lot of parents will try to continue the relationship of parent-child by extending financial and other support; you need to be willing to walk away from that if you want to be independent and have the luxuries of that.

 

I don't understand so many posters here asking how to continue and change the adult-child dynamic between their folks and themselves when they are adults now. SOmetimes even people in their twenties and thirties. It's a little more understandable at your age; but still, if you want independence and the freedom of adulthood, you also have to take the responsibilities. The responsibilites include having to take care of your own housing, food, car, all basic needs as a human being.

 

If you aren't willing to do that, I think all you are really doing is approaching it like a kid might (not meant to be offensive, simply a statement of observation from my point of view). Children try to negotiate and convince an adult and earn rewards with good behavior; but ultimately the adult holds the cards/power for whether or not it will happen. The power is that they will take care of your needs for you.

 

Adult on adult, both people have power to make things happen. Because both people can take care of their own needs on their own. And if after negotiating and talking and trying to work it out, you can't get a win-win; you can walk away.

 

I don't see your parents changing anything while they still have the power over you to tell you "do it or else no goodies for you".

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If you want to be treated like an adult, move out, get a job and become self sufficient.

 

As long as your parents are supporting you financially, they can say what they want about your life. As long as you live with your parents...they can tell you what you can and can't do.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

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My mother will literally yell at me, and will ask me to give her the address of where im going, my friends phone number, etc. and i find it so embarrassing sometimes because I know she loves me and she just wants me to be safe but preventing me and holding me back from doing anything fun, or enjoying myself and getting out of the house relaxes my mind and she refuses to let me do that. And especially the way she thinks she's letting me do things is not fair..

 

Can't wait until you grow up and have your own children... You'll certainly understand then why they'd like to know where you are, who you are with and when you'll be coming home. I didn't see where you said they forbade you from going, only that you don't like them even asking you where you are going.

 

Anyway, Unless you are living in your own apartment and are not taking money for your education from your well intentioned parents, then I don't think you have a right to be lying to them, taking from them, being a petulant teen to them. Sorry, but as long as you are dependent on them, then they will be worried about you. Hell, they will be worried about you always, even when you've matured and by then appreciate everything they've done for you and are living as a true adult on your own without depending on them.

 

Bottomline: Move out and fend for yourself or be decent and let them know where you will be, who you will be with and when you will be coming home. It's very simple. Trust is earned and as a mother myself, I don't see where you've earned it if you've been caught out in your lies.

 

Our daughter respected our need to know where she was and who she was with and we respected her need to grow and mature and do things that 18 year olds do because of it.

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What caused you to not trust your parents?

 

You have an uphill battle here because, as you admit, you have a history of lying. This makes it hard for them to trust you and what you have to say. How do they know that you are not lying about where you are going, who you are with etc.

 

My advice is this: 1) Move out if possible. Or 2) Sit down and have a grow up discussion with your parents about this, "Mom, Dad, I know we have had trouble trusting each other. I want to have a discussion about this and find ways we can build trust. I have notice that on the rare occasions I want to go out you seem very nervous. What can I do to help with that?"

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Please help, any suggestions on how I can improve my relationship with my parents? What else could I possibly to do change this?

 

I don't think your asking for suggestions on how to improve your relationship with your parents, i think you just want advice which will allow you to do whatever you want and still have your parents not get mad at you. This isn't the forum for that.

 

The truth is that you are 18, so you are going to be treated like an 18 year old would. You still live with mommy and daddy but you want the freedom of an adult who pays bills. IT doesn't work both ways, you either get their support and play by their rules or move out and create your own.

 

Everything i see these types of threads up i think to myself, another sheltered person trying to break free from rules which were created to protect them . . . The average person in your situation would have been able to have adult conversations with their parents or have others (other family members) explain to your parents that you are getting older and should be allowed more freedom, instead you took advantage of their trust by lying to them constantly to do things which you wanted to.

 

The alternative would have been to do what you wanted to and not lied and put up with the tantrums, i guess this is why lying was invented, to escape the repercussions of one's actions/behavior.

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I hate lying but then I do it because they literally will not let me do anything If i don't.

 

This is flawed logic. If you hate lying so much, you shouldn't do it.

 

While your parents may be illogical and unfair (for example, I don't think they need your friends' phone numbers and addresses at your age), it doesn't matter. You are living in their house and they are footing the bills.

 

I do think that you should consider moving out. It might be beneficial for everyone involved. If they refuse to pay for school, then you look into financial aid, loans, part-time jobs, and roommates/cheap housing. It can be done. So it comes down to what you are willing to put up with, and what you are willing to do to live your own life.

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