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Invading privacy, gone too far! HELP


THEbeginning93

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'm having a really big problem at the moment that I think can no longer go unchecked. I've been with this guy for almost a year now and at the beginning when we were getting together he slept with someone else on a night out because he thought I didn't care and he had really fallen for me. He told me about it the next day and we eventually pushed through (as I really liked him). The problem is that its changed me into a jealous, unrecognisable me. I went through his phone and I can't stop checking his browsing history. I don't care about porn thats not the issue. It just really upsets me that he is always looking through tonnes of girls on Facebook (including her) and many exes. He was a bit of a manwhore before we got together and he says that he loves me and that he has never loved anyone like this before. He puts up with all my crap and no matter how horrid an argument can get he always wants to make it better and can't bear it if I try to break up with him. I feel terrible. I feel terrible for doing it, I still feel terrible from what happened and i'm so disappointed in myself because this is not me! I just am unsure whether I should end the relationship (even though I really like him). Do you think I should confront him about it because i'm in the wrong and I would like to apologise. I just thought the a few opinions from others might help me see things differently or anything I might have missed. I feel like I should break up with him as its the right thing to do I just can't understand it because he is so sweet, caring and he does everything for me, so why all this? I just feel so unattractive and i'm always comparing myself to these same girls he always looks at. I can't confront him and its always in the back of my mind. I'm just hurting a lot and would really appreciate people's views.

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I wouldn't know. He doesn't talk about things unless I bring them up. If I ask him about his day he will leave lots out and I only ever find out from others? I wouldn't care about the other girls, but why look at the one he cheated with? Then why start deleting his browser history. I feel like he knows I go on there and is now hiding it from me?

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I've been with this guy for almost a year now and at the beginning when we were getting together he slept with someone else on a night out because he thought I didn't care and he had really fallen for me.

 

I think this is a very odd response on his part. He likes you a lot, so he slept with someone else instead of having a conversation with you?

 

I suspect there are way more problems in this situation than your snooping and his penchant for obsessing over past relationships.

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Dump him. You don't trust him for a reason or two or ten and like you said, this whole situation is turning you into a miserable monster. It's just not a way to live. Cheaters, womanizers, adulterers can also be very nice and charming and sweet to their SO. So what? If you can't live with a guy like that, then walk away. Why continue on in a situation that is destroying your self esteem, making you act out of character and leaving you constantly paranoid? Frankly, the way you describe his behavior, I think your gut is ringing a ten fire alarm and you need to listen to it and walk.

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It just really upsets me that he is always looking through tonnes of girls on Facebook (including her) and many exes.

 

I just feel so unattractive and i'm always comparing myself to these same girls he always looks at. I can't confront him and its always in the back of my mind. I'm just hurting a lot and would really appreciate people's views.

 

Men unfortunately creep on girls on facebook. It's a psychological thing, I know it totally sucks but your just going to have to accept it. However, if he's still creeping on that one particular girl then yes, I would confront him. I would ask him why, and what his business is looking at her facebook and that you feel it's a sneaky, unrespectful way following up with the event that happened a while back. That's just me though, I wouldn't be shy talking to a guy about that, if it bothers me.. then it bothers me and you should confront him in a proper manner.

 

Also, I find it really weird that he slept with someone when you two were starting to like each other, and thinking that you wouldn't care is possibly the dumbest excuse i've ever heard.

 

Lastly, hun you need to stop comparing yourself to other people. Once you do that you will become a happier person in life. You have to realize, in fact, all women have to realize that we need to individually accept that you are not the prettiest girl. But if you think you are beautiful on the inside, and permeate confidence on the outside that is all the matters to others and what should matter to you. There are so many women out there, all different shapes and sizes, sure, some more beautiful than others, but men like to stay with smart women. Women that have a head on their shoulders, and if you have that then he admires you and thats all you need. So stop the comparing, start to value yourself for what you look like, and who you are.

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I'd just gotten out of a five year relationship and we had been seeing each other for 3 months and he wanted a relationship and I didn't. He says he was upset and things were in a bad place for us and that he just wanted to get away from it all. He was angry with me and he made a mistake. I'll admit he hasn't done anything since, but his stalking behaviour is weirding me out, making me feel the way I do.

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I'd just gotten out of a five year relationship and we had been seeing each other for 3 months and he wanted a relationship and I didn't. He says he was upset and things were in a bad place for us and that he just wanted to get away from it all. He was angry with me and he made a mistake. I'll admit he hasn't done anything since, but his stalking behaviour is weirding me out, making me feel the way I do.

 

Why do you want to involve yourself with a guy who will go and sleep with someone because he was mad or upset or whatever? Does that even begin to make sense to you? You were right not to want to get involved. You need to get out of this mess and heal and sort yourself out. You are not crazy for being creeped out by his behavior because decent men don't do this and you know it.

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I've bolded exactly what struck me in this post. You and your bf are exactly like my ex and I were, she broke up with me and it's been the roughest 8 months of my life, I'm still not 100% over it but making process.

 

She suffered what you're going through, even told me she was turning into a monster (like you are), she checked my phone (i didn't care, i was okay with it, i had nothing to hide), she was never jealous before me etc. I was like your boyfriend before her a manwhore, womanizer, whatever, I fell hard for her (but this is good if you look at it from another angle.... if he's with you it's because he really wants you it's not because he doesn't have options). However her issues were brought up to me as one off remarks and underhanded/indirect statements and that's why I didn't change my habit, I was never sat down and given an ultimatum of the sort nor told how important it really was to her she seemed extremely happy.

 

By the time I realized it was too late (1 month post breakup, she hadn't given me reasons), had I known I would've changed. I sent a letter that left her sort of speechless apologizing, and we tried meeting up but we sort of got mad at each other because she couldn't meet up and I felt like if she wanted to work things out properly she would've made the effort to meet with me so I said "have a good one" in a condescending tone and she got angry (rightfully) and we never spoke since, 6 months no contact now. Yeah I've checked her facebook a few times since the breakup and it's shocking to see she hasn't updated nor posted a single thing on it, you would think we're still together. It probably hasn't been easy on her either. One day I hope I'll be able to contact her or find someone as amazing as her, we were truly fit for one another, had I known I would have changed.

 

So based on my experience and a similar situation: from the bottom of my heart I hope you sit down and have a REAL discussion about it before taking drastic measures, let him know what's going on in your head, that you want to break up if the behavior doesn't change because you can't deal with it anymore. It won't be easy for you nor him because you're both in love.

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Yes you should tell him what you did. Him having female friends is his right. If him being a manwhore is such an issue that you can't control yourself, then leave the relationship.

 

In the meantime, to prove to yourself if you can be with him, tell him to change all of his passwords and to not give them to you and ask him to block you on Facebook so you can't see what he's doing. That should cure you in short fashion of your need to creep. Frankly, if your relationship is fraught with this much dysfunction, you just need to drop it off and keep going. Life's too short for this kind of BS.

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Sure, he's so sweet- You're the one he's dating. Yes, like other's have mentioned, it's normal for them to 'look' at other gals.

Im way surprised he admitted what he did , to you.

 

BUT- the 'trust' has now been broken and YOU are acting this way- so what do YOU think you shld do? Can YOU live like this the rest of your days with him.. and knowing stuff like this??

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