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bad sex is destroying my relationship!


celestina

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I really need an advice I hope somebody can help me, as I don't know what to do anymore...

I live with my boyfriend for a year now, we've been seeing each other for 1.5 year, for the first 6 months it was a long distance relationship, we were (and still are!) so much in love that we have both changed our lives completely for this relationship.

Everything is going well apart from the fact that we don't have much fun in bed. This is driving me crazy. When we lived far away from each other, it was naturally all very passionate, and it got a lot more boring and, unfortunately, rare since we live together. That is, I'm almost always up to having sex, but my boyfriend doesn't want to do it, so we usually have sex once in a week or even in 2 weeks. I tried to speak about it with him, first he has been making up silly excuses and avoiding the conversation in all the possible ways, now at the end he told me what's the problem. It's that we never come together, worse, that I never come. According to my boyfriend, this never happened to him with any of his previous girlfriends (4 or 5). He feels very upset about it and that's what takes away any desire from him (although he has erections pretty much everytime I get close to him, touch him, etc. )

Now, my problem with having an orgasm is the biggest issue. I can come in 2min without any toys when I'm masturbating, but as much as he tries and as much as I try I just cannot make it when we're together. I think the problem is that I have been masturbating since I was a child, and I'm so used to it that I tried to quit but I just can't, the fact that I don't come with him and that we rarely have sex adds to it. I cannot speak to him about this habit of mine, his views are quite conservative about this. He wants everything to happen naturally, he's not even too much into trying to make me come nad has refused to give me an oral, even though I do it to him everytime, as he adores it. I'm sooo stressed everytime we make love, just thinking 'i need to come i need to come', and of course nothing happens.

I'm afraid we have to solve this, otherwise there's no point in continuing our relationship. but I'm just so lost and have no idea what to do, even though i keep thinking about this 24/7. HELP!!!!

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just to give you the other side's perspective of 2 men (myself included) sharing your boyfriend's thoughts, maybe it can give you some insight:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't really suggest anything myself as I'm not a woman, but from what I gather is it won't happen if you try to make it happen, so with the constant pressure you can probably forget about it.

 

I also find that going down on a woman is one of the most amazing acts you can do to her + the pleasure you can give her, it's a shame he isn't willing to reciprocate on that front.

 

I'm sure other ENA users will be able to be more helpful than I am on this front, just thought I'd share those links.

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Do you use toys?

 

I've had the opposite problem as you with my last bf...I would orgasm 4 or 5 times and he still wasn't finished...and for him it was wasn't fun having sex with me when I was exhausted and not moving lol. So, his plan...might work for you. I would use a toy on myself...and he would straddle me and I would give him oral. It might work for you two because you'll get off and he'll enjoy it more. Or...does he find it hot when you masturbate? You could do it in front of him...that might get him going.

 

Personally...I wouldn't stand for a guy not giving me oral. Have you figured out why he doesn't like giving it? Have you tried 69? Or tying him up and sitting on his face? Make sure you've just showered beforehand...we don't always taste/smell the best with all the hormonal changes. Also...if he perceives that you're not enjoying it or are uncomfortable, it can make it not so much fun...maybe for the first few times he gives you oral, be a bit more enthusiastic?

 

Boring sex sucks...good luck.

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You need to stop masturbating so much so your sexual tension/desire so to say builds up a bit. If you get off all the time for sure it will be harder for you to come later, even with a lot of effort. And you need to tell him what the problem is.

Also if he refuses to give you oral - stop giving one to him. Its not like you don't want one, he refuses to please you after you pleased him, that's not fair.

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Your boyfriend is selfish--plain and simple--and he's hiding behind being "conservative" when that has nothing to do with the fact that he's selfish. He sounds as if he's not really all that into sex with you, but likes the companionship and someone to help do chores around the house.

 

When you weren't living together, yeah it seemed like he was into you, but now that you're in his space, he's not into the kind of sex you are.

 

So...

 

 

...you either stay with him and just accept that you have a basically non existent sex life together and keep doing yourself

 

 

or

 

 

...move out and get your own space, which will create real distance on top of emotional distance and start looking for a man who is more sexually suited to your likes. He's not going to change who he is sexually for you--that much has been made clear.

 

 

Those are you only two options. Control what you do--you can't control him.

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I agree with Kendahke. Your boyfriend is selfish in bed.

 

But what's also a problem is poor communication. He pouts when you don't come and worries he isn't satisfying you in bed. The truth is he isn't! If you can make yourself come then you are capable of having orgasms. He has you catering to his ego and walking on eggshells so you don't feel comfortable giving him pointers or asking from what you need from him to get off.

 

I cannot speak to him about this habit of mine, his views are quite conservative about this. He wants everything to happen naturally, he's not even too much into trying to make me come nad has refused to give me an oral, even though I do it to him everytime, as he adores it. I'm sooo stressed everytime we make love, just thinking 'i need to come i need to come', and of course nothing happens.

 

Most women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Everything is happening "naturally" for him, as he has enough stimulation to get off -- but he is providing little to none clitoral stimulation for you. It's like if you commanded him to come from only rubbing his balls. He has a basic lack of knowledge of female sexuality.

 

Now, I've heard of g-spot orgasms but a man who refuses to go down on his girlfriend or use his fingers is unlikely to take the time and discover how to reach this spot during sex, especially when he's focused on his own pleasure and insisting that should be enough for her!

 

OP, sex is a difficult issue to discuss but if you don't this relationship is going to fall apart. Tell him you'd like to try new things in bed, including oral for you. Explain the statistics and show him links if you have to, to back you up that he needs to do more in bed than what he has.

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I concur, your boyfriend is a selfish lover. I don't quite understand his refusing to go down on you. He's probably intimidated/insecure in his ability to do so, but either way that's a lame excuse. How old are you and your boyfriend? If he is older he may have ED. But what I'm thinking is he has a porn/masturbation habit that kills his libido. Pornography can cause ED in males as young as teenagers.

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Sadly, your now stressing yourself out with this to the point sex is getting 'challenging'. And since your bf is not female, they often need more 'guidance' in what or how to do things.. to get us there.

Yes, with the fact you've been able to get there, on your own for so long, is because you know what/how to do it...

Now.. he needs to learn how to do it too.

Have you ever tried it.. doing it yourself DURING your sex with him? This can often excite them more, I heard.

 

Try NOT to get all tensed up during your sex times.. if you do, then things aren't going to happen.

Sometimes we need to 'learn' how to work together.. so both can enjoy it.

I wouldn't give up on things yet. There's always new things to try to have it work for you both...

 

Get him turned on (an not upset), by getting yourself going first.. especially the fact females can have multiple orgasms throughout the sex.

Whether you achieve one first, or not, doesn't matter.. but you are contributing to it.. by offering to 'work on it', with him.

I'm sure he'll get into it, when you get started. You can have one orgasm b4 he does, or choose to wait until he's close? All kinds of idea's/choices.

 

Work on it though.. together.

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He wants everything to happen naturally, he's not even too much into trying to make me come nad has refused to give me an oral, even though I do it to him everytime, as he adores it.

 

This is your bigger problem, not the fact that you "can't come" for him. He just won't do the things for you that would make you come and instead expects to put zero effort into pleasuring you. That speaks to a whole level of selfishness and unreal expectations on his part. Personally I think it's time he stopped getting oral unless he's willing to return the favor. And bluntly speaking he probably watches way too much porn and/or his past GFs may even have faked it sometimes. So he thinks that just a few thrusts should be enough and no, often times it isn't. A good lover knows that and as you pointed out it should be fun for both of you. I'm guessing there are other areas of strife in the relationship as well, althogh you may not be looking at those because this is so huge.

 

I'd suggest you two find a relationship/sex therapist but I have a feeling he'd pitch a hissy fit about it. And again there is the real problem--he doesn't want to do any work or make himself a better lover and sorry, that's just not how good sex happens.

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It not the bad sex, it is the bad communication. He is selfish and narrow minded. You are hiding your true sexuality from him for fear of judgement. I wonder if both of you are going through the motions of sex but not putting all your cards on the table. He needs to know your expectations in bed. You need to be clear with him. This is alot of fear and immaturity mixed in here as well.

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Thanks for responses everyone. I don't really have anybody to talk this through with so I guess I'll write some more details here.

Some said my boyfriend is selfish. Maybe, but if so why does he avoid sex often? You guys are right, there is a communication problem between, we just cannot manage to speak about it efficiently (that might also be because we don't speak the same native language.. no matter how fluent am I in Italian, it's harder to express those things for me, and for him to make me understand, maybe..) Anyway, even if he's a selfish lover, in all other areas of our life he's being anything but that. He did make me understand clearly that I'm the most important woman he ever had in his life. (He's 29, I'm 24)

I did not make it clear in the previous post - I do touch myself everytime we have sex, doing exactly the same thing like when I'm, alone, it just stops working when he's around! Around 9 months ago, when we started living together, I came this way 2 or 3 times, but it was always before he comes, and the orgasms were really small. Then at some point he started avoiding sex and I go too worried about it to think about myself coming, I was too occupied trying to get him into bed with me, and that's that. I think I was being quite pushy too. Since then it's been quite stable - we make love once evry week or two, and that's soooo not enough for me.

We spoke about why he's avoiding sex twice. The first time he told me a story about one of his exes that was avoiding sex with him, and how he was getting very mad about it, and when they finally broke up, it was HIM who started having periods of not wanting to have sex with his next girlfriend (which led to/ended up them breaking up), and now with me. I never understood why would he do this kind of revenge with me, I figured it might be some psychological trauma and offered to find a therapist, but of course, he's never gonna agree to go and speak to any therapist. He said those were periods, and it would pass, and left me waiting.

The next time we spoke, which was last week, he said it's because we never come together and I cannot manage to relax completely when we're making love. I said I can come if that's what he really worries about, and that we just need to put a bit more effort in it, he needs to learn how to do it. He apologized for making me feel bad, was being really honest and even cried, but surprisingly, the next time we had sex nothing changed - he didn't even try to put a bit more importance on foreplay or anything. Just the usual boring scheme, that ends in me not coming, while he of course does.

About me giving/not giving him orals - I know it's not fair I don't get any, but on the other hand, if I would stop going down on him it would be a sort of way to force him to do the same for me, and I don't want him to do anything that's not pleasant for him. I would not enjoy it all, knowing he's doing something he doesn't want to be doing. and I actually like doing it to him.

Toys are out of question, neither of us wants them.

It is close to impossible he has a porn addiction - I have access to all of his devices and he's barely ever home alone. Masturbation - might be, but how come do I masturbate and still my libido is up to the sky? I was thinking I should quit masturbating (I don't do it very often though, maybe like once a week, or alittle bit more when it's 2 weeks we didn't have sex and I cannot take it anymore), coz maybe I'm just so used to having an orgasm only when I'm alone, that my body refuses to come when somebody else is around (the same always happened with my previous boyfriends, but this is my first long term relationship, and would really like to make it work).

And yeah, I read some threads here and understand I have to stop thinking about coming and relax, but gosh, how the hell do I do that??

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people shouldn't come together at the same time while having sex. where do you have this idea from?

"it would be a sort of way to force him to do the same for me, and I don't want him to do anything that's not pleasant for him." he isn't doing anything unpleasant for him, and he wasn't even trying it to say that he doesn't enjoy it. BUT he is totally OK with the fact that you do it for him, even though he knows that it should be a mutual thing.

if he says its a trauma or whatever - he needs that solved. and again - the reason that you guys don't come together is pathetic in my opinion. sometimes people come together but its not a goal of sex, and its not the reason to stop having any. if he has no libido - same - he needs that solved and figured out.

"nothing changed - he didn't even try to put a bit more importance on foreplay or anything." - proof. he cried and apologized so you let him in again, but he did nothing about the issue. he comes - he is happy, he gets orals, and you are left out again.

the fact that he acts nice in other aspects of life isn't a proof that he isn't a selfish lover.

stop masturbating so much. and really think about finding someone else who wont leave you so unsatisfied and stressed.

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stop giving him oral if he is not prepared to reciprocate. stop accepting this selfishness.

 

men and women usually don't come at the same time despite what pornos and movies depict. It is possible but in my experience, rarely happens. I mean it takes a lot of communication and practice and even then... the point is it shouldn't matter if you come together. If you come before him great! Really it is best for the woman if she comes before the man. Not only does sex feel better but you are more likely to have more than one orgasm. Sure the idea of coming together is nice and when it does happen it feels great but there are plenty of other ways for sex to feel great and oral is one of them!!!

 

He's being really immature about it and showing his inexperience. I don't care how many previous partners he has had I'm sure them women were faking at least some of the time especially seeing as penetrative sex alone does not get the majority of women off unless accompanied but hand stimulation of the clitoris or by being in a position that causes plenty of friction.

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