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Help saying no...


SEC88

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Hi,

I am 35 wks pregnant with my second child and recently got married. My husband moved in with me and my son about 3 years ago when we were dating. My husband has 2 younger sisters 13 & 16 who are spending the night 1-2 nights a wk either Bc they will ask or Bc my husbands parents (usually mom) will ask to please take the girls overnight Bc they go out. First off they are definitely old enough to stay home alone (it's not all night) and second I feel like I have 2 extra kids to look after and feed and it's expensive. I am not good at saying no. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and when the new baby comes I am definitely going to want my nights alone with my husband, my 4 yr old and our new addition. I don't even want to be around when they come over now because I feel like this on going situation had made me bitter and not enjoy being with his sisters like I used to when it was them visiting and not pushing themselves to always spend the night... Please help, I am to the point where I want to just get a hotel...

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Were his sisters coming over to hang with him before he moved in and married you?

 

As you said, they're 13 and 16--it's not like you have to run in behind them constantly as if they were 3 and 6. They may be very excited that you are going to have a baby--now is the time you would want to be cultivating a rapport with them because one day, you're going to need a sitter and if you show them how you want it done, that's far better than hiring someone you don't know and hoping they do things the way you want them to.

 

I think you have a golden opportunity to include them in prepping for the baby and molding them into the kind of sitter you'd feel comfortable with.

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Talk to your husband. Tell him you love his sisters but with the baby on the way you'd prefer them to stay the night less frequently. Maybe once or twice every two weeks instead of every week. Get him to speak to his parents, use the baby as the excuse (you are more exhausted etc). Hopefully they will understand.

 

If your in-laws start acting foolish than that is on them. Cut them out for awhile if you have to. Your growing family with your husband and son come first. Not free babysitting for your in-law and free entertainment + food for your teen sister-in-laws!

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I agree with Kendahke, both girls are old enough to be helping. Heck, you don't and shouldn't be caring and slaving over them. Instead put them to work helping you and helping prep the house for the new baby. They will either really get into it and you'll all have a blast OR they'll hate it and not want to come spend the night any more. Win-win either way although I think the former is the better plan. It's time the girls learn some adult skills. If anyone complains point out that it's yoru house too and you are not a formal entertainment/babysitter but a relative. And as such you expect everyone to pull their own weight. And since it's your house you can set some rules too and insist hubby also follow them.

 

It sounds like you married this guy pretty fast before you actually knew each other, so now it is up to you to speak up and set some boundaries. Otherwise they'll all have no clue it's upsetting you or that anything has or needs to change. Particularly if it's just always been that way with the girls and your husband and now they all have to learn to make you and your kids part of the family too.

 

Also when the baby coms tell hubby and the in-laws you're so glad they're there for babysitting too. And then insist on a for tat--i.e. you watch their kids, so they can darn well watch yours now and again whether it's the girls or the in-laws.

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Ah yes, the perfect way to handle this is to put them to work! They will either be of service, or they'll decide the free ride is over and find ways to not show up twice a week.

 

They are not 'children' at this age, and can do the cooking, and cleaning and washing up, in fact help you with anything you need done when they come over. You should tell your husband that you are so pregnant and exhausted that this is extra work for you when you don't have the energy to do it, so if they want to come over twice a week, they'll have to start doing the cooking, clean up and helping around the house rather than expecting you to do it. Or if your husband wants them there that much, then HE can do it.

 

Nothing says you have to serve expensive food on the nights they come. Every time they come, haul out the grilled cheese sandwiches and pancakes and have a cheap dinner rather than buying them steaks or other expensive food you can't afford if you need to save for the baby. People will stop freeloading when the freeloading isn't so comfortable for them!

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btw, start setting their expectations now! Tell your husband (and the family) that when the baby comes you are going to need a few months of alone time to rest and deal with an infant, so you will not be serving dinners for relatives and will come visit them in their homes for short visits when they want to see the baby. They may not like it, but they can't MAKE you accommodate them if you don't want to.

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if they are allowed to come - they should help, not just chill there and eat.

its your house - start telling them how to behave in it, and the thing about potential future babysitters that Kendahke said is a brilliant idea.

my sister often "used" me with her first baby, I was more then happy to be there for her, especially in that age, its a nice thing to learn.

just make sure they are trustworthy and mature enough to leave them with the baby later on.

but if you don't like that idea and just want them out - next time they ask to "babysit" tell them that 13 and 16 is old enough to stay alone in the house for a couple of hours. the older one should babysit the younger one, they are sisters for gods sake. I was left with my sister (6 years older then me) since I was 4.

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I also feel that they are old enough to care for themselves, however; because the girls are the younger Siblings of your Husband it's his job to address it because 9 x's out of 10 his parents will be offended if it's coming from you.

 

If your Husband is close to his family he might take offense to all of this.

 

Good Luck!

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