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Should I see this through or bail now?


Anya28

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I am in a strange situation. Around 8 or so months ago I met a man on a common interests message board. We started private contact and things quickly turned romantic. He lives in another country that I will be visiting in a few months (for work). There are some concerns in if I should bail now or go through with the meeting.

 

We were never really friends. We started chatting via IM every day for hours and have been doing so for the last 8 months. Chats were first mostly sexual but then we connected emotionally too. We had tons in common. He told me that he has fallen in love with me (this was few months in) and I reciprocated. We were making plans on how we will spend the time together while I was in his country, places to visit and we were both excited. I am also completely sure that he is who he says he is (I checked) so no concerns there. We are both in early 30s and never been married.

 

Some of the issues. He doesn’t want to be exclusive with me right now and doesn’t call what we have a relationship even though he claims that he loves me. He says that it’s because we never met and he is not sure even after we meet and everything goes great if the situation is workable due to distance. It also became clear that he saw us meeting as a few weeks of fun rather than a possible start of a real relationship (where I saw it otherwise). At the same time he also says that he doesn’t know what life will bring and is not ruling anything out. But the gist of it is, he doesn’t want commitment which could maybe, possibly change after we meet.

 

We have had numerous arguments over this lately. I feel like I am investing my time and emotions into a dead end situation. I spend lots of time talking to him and I could be doing other things. I AM dating other men since we are not exclusive but I haven’t really connected to anyone. When we argue, he seems very invested and will go through it with me for many hours at the time.

 

My option is I guess to see this situation like he sees it, as most likely something fun and casual. I asked him not to tell me that he loves me anymore if he can’t commit so we stopped that.

 

I am at crossroads now. Do I keep talking to him in a more casual manner (i.e. few times a week) and just meet up once I am in his town. Or do I end it completely. Part of me thinks that I am being unreasonable in wanting commitment when we haven’t met but there should be at least a view towards commitment and not just “it’s possible but unlikely”.

 

What to do?

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I feel like I am investing my time and emotions into a dead end situation.

 

I think you are...

 

He says that he loves you before even meeting you? Too good to be true...

Despite saying that he loves you, he also says:

- he doesn't want to be exclusive (possibly he is dating others and keeping his options open)

- he doesn't think that the situation is workable due to distance (he doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship)

- he sees meeting you in person as something fun not really an opportunity to start a relationship with you.

 

I think that you are a nice distraction for him and he is flattered with your attention but if you are interested in anything serious, he will not be able to give you this. Since you already have feelings for him and take this situation seriously, I would not continue with him if I were you. Waste of time, energy and you will end up hurt...just my 2 cents.

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I think you are right

 

Funny thing is, that the first 6 months or so I didn't take him seriously at all. He was a distraction to me too. He pulled out all the stops to woo me and convince me that I am the woman of his dreams etc. Once I actually started taking him seriously he pulled WAY back. Now I am the one left begging for commitment. The games people play.....I don't think it's even conscious or that he is a bad person.

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I also don't think he is a bad person. However, we women are able to get attached to the fantasy or what it might be. That's why I don't think it is wise to invest your time and energy into online relationships especially if you know that you want something serious. Cut him off and continue meeting guys where you live. I am sure that sooner or later you will find somebody who can give you what you want and deserve. It is also possible that you cannot connect with the guys you are now meeting because you are already so much invested into the online fantasy with that guy.

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Things that bother me. It started with a lot of conversation about sex. To me, that is really off. You were strangers at the time. All this talk about love when you have not even actually met. He sounds like he is a commitment phobe, honestly. I can only say what I would do if I would do if I were in your shoes and that would be to disappear from this guy's life. chi

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I feel like I am investing my time and emotions into a dead end situation.

 

Yes, you definitely are and should trust your feelings. The two of you want very different things and he pulls out the words you want to hear just often enough to keep you hooked. But then when you press him for actions to back up those words...different story. The fact is he doesn't want to commit, he's been open about just wanting to meet you for some casual fun of the sexual kind presumably and he's also disrespectful of you. Otherwise he wouldn't be spending hours of argument trying to get you to change your mind and give in to what HE wants.

 

This could all go on for years if you let it or you could just tell him it's no longer fun and you aren't enjoying the constant arguments. Then just end it and walk away. Of course, he'll pull out the "But I might..." to try and keep you on the hook. You're his entertainment and a way to fill his time plus there's that free sex he's hoping for when you come to town. But unless that's what you want as well it's time to end this and walk away. Actions, not words, are what counts.

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The really f-ed up thing is that whenever we had an argument, he would send me so many messages about how he is not eating, not sleeping, feels sick to his stomach at the thought of losing me. How he is too invested in me to let me go. He was telling me that he "loves me so much" many times per day. He kept all of this up for 6 months. Never missed a day of communication. Then in the last 1-2 months when I was finally fully reciprocating and the meeting time is drawing closer, he goes into these "we will have fun..." "no commitment" and so on. He also told me that I am the first woman he ever said "I love you" to...

 

Yeah, typical commitment phobe from my experience. Only this guy kept it up longer than most (probably due to distance).

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he would send me so many messages about how he is not eating, not sleeping, feels sick to his stomach at the thought of losing me.

 

Only words! Since you are not there, you don't really know how he feels, you cannot see it. He may be writing this stuff while on a date with somebody else.

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I have just remembered something else: I will still be going on my trip. Not just his country but other countries as well. If I have casual sex with him and he rejects me for anything more, it will be a downer on the entire trip. I could imagine myself moping around and not making the most of it.

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Distance is definitely a big part in this "relationship." It not only gives him the ability to portray himself to be something that he is not, but it is the perfect scenario for a commitment phobe. It would be different if you really knew him close up and personal and then there was distance between you. I would drop him like a hot rock. :smiley_simmons: chi

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I have just remembered something else: I will still be going on my trip. Not just his country but other countries as well. If I have casual sex with him and he rejects me for anything more, it will be a downer on the entire trip. I could imagine myself moping around and not making the most of it.

 

Your well-being should come first. A man who is serious will do his best to protect you and not use you.

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he would send me so many messages about how he is not eating, not sleeping, feels sick to his stomach at the thought of losing me. How he is too invested in me to let me go. He was telling me that he "loves me so much" many times per day. He kept all of this up for 6 months. Never missed a day of communication. Then in the last 1-2 months when I was finally fully reciprocating and the meeting time is drawing closer, he goes into these "we will have fun..." "no commitment" and so on. He also told me that I am the first woman he ever said "I love you" to...

 

Wow and he plays the whole guilt trip/I'm gonna chase you hard until you reciprocate then I'll pull back cards? Yikes, end it now and go have a blast on you trip. You do not need this guy to spoil one more moment of your life and what should be a very happy occasion/chance of a lifetime. In fact, enjoy the trip secure in the knowledge you ended things before you put more time into this. You deserve it so enjoy!

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Sounds like he is just being 'cautious'. Can't blame him for that- you've never even met yet? And the distance thing..

probably wanting you to just 'be aware'.

 

Distance here is a big deal. I had a thing going few yrs ago. I'm in another country.. i met him only after 3 yrs. Once in fall and once again in Spring. After we met, it wasn't the same.

I ended it shortly after that- admitting it was NEVER going to amt to anything distance and all.

Sadly, although you''ve gotten yourself into something emotional and heavy.. there comes a time when you have to look at the whole picture.

 

IF this seems like it's not going anywhere.. and not much chance either of you will/can get together permanently, I would look at backing off and maybe agree on 'friendly' terms. Talking once a week w/e til it dies down.

 

good luck

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So I ended it. He didn't seem to care at all. Wished me all the best and told me that he is still open to sex when I am in his town (gross).

 

I just feel empty and this huge void...I used to spend hours talking to him every day and now nothing. I also feel really sad and wish he would have at least fought for me. But he doesn't care enough and never did. He even told me that in last few weeks, he lost attraction for me which is a big sting. This feels like a break up even though there was never a real relationship.

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I think the lesson here is not to spend hours talking to a virtual stranger everyday. It was pretty clear he wasn't really invested.

 

Don't let yourself mope about this for too long. It was not actually a relationship. But it is encouragement for you to meet men in real life~

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I think the lesson here is not to spend hours talking to a virtual stranger everyday. It was pretty clear he wasn't really invested.

 

Don't let yourself mope about this for too long. It was not actually a relationship. But it is encouragement for you to meet men in real life~

 

I agree -and you still don't know for sure who he is (or if he is a "he"), his marital status, really anything relevant about him other than this person wants to have sex with you. That you knew from the moment you started typing to this person.

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So I ended it. He didn't seem to care at all. Wished me all the best and told me that he is still open to sex when I am in his town (gross).

 

I just feel empty and this huge void...I used to spend hours talking to him every day and now nothing. I also feel really sad and wish he would have at least fought for me. But he doesn't care enough and never did. He even told me that in last few weeks, he lost attraction for me which is a big sting. This feels like a break up even though there was never a real relationship.

 

Good that you ended it. He is not going to fight for you because he knows that he has nothing to offer you except his body and empty words. And you need much more than that.

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Good that you ended it. He is not going to fight for you because he knows that he has nothing to offer you except his body and empty words. And you need much more than that.

 

Yes, I feel like such a sucker that I believed in his I love yous.

 

He has since sent a few messages that he hopes I don't see him as some sleaze and that he had good intentions and that he wants to end things on a positive and friendly note (I bet this is to still be in with a chance for NSA sex). He also said that he wants me to have a good memory of him.

 

I told him that he is a sleaze and that there is no chance I will have a good memory of him and that I am actually laughing now because this whole thing is a joke. Then I stopped responding and eventually he told me he is never going to contact me again.

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Yes, I feel like such a sucker that I believed in his I love yous.

 

He has since sent a few messages that he hopes I don't see him as some sleaze and that he had good intentions and that he wants to end things on a positive and friendly note (I bet this is to still be in with a chance for NSA sex). He also said that he wants me to have a good memory of him.

 

I told him that he is a sleaze and that there is no chance I will have a good memory of him and that I am actually laughing now because this whole thing is a joke. Then I stopped responding and eventually he told me he is never going to contact me again.

 

And I hope that at least this time he is serious

 

You should be proud of yourself that you are strong enough to end the situation where somebody has nothing to offer you.

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