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Have I forever lost the only person I saw myself being with?


Smiley Saba

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Hey eNote viewers and repliers,

 

I feel strange asking for advice on the internet, but here goes. I've been friends with a boy for six years. Let's call him Tom. When we were both fifteen years old, I visited Tom's family's house as a friend, we were hanging out, and he almost kissed me, but instead he ended up kissing me on the cheek, because I think he was too afraid of me rejecting him. At the time, I couldn't see myself with Tom, as I didn't feel as physically attracted to him as I thought I should've felt, in order to equally return his feelings, and also because strangely, I felt that he was 'too nice', which was an emotionally warped symptom of having grown up with a violent father, that I think in part explains why so many girls seem to sideline potentially wonderful future partners for 'bad boys' that are representative of their early childhood experiences.

 

I didn't really contact Tom for four years, because I was scared that even at the slightest amount of contact, he may end our friendship all together, due to my early rejection of his romantic feelings. He has had a long-term girlfriend, lets call her Sarah, who he's been with for 1 and a half years. She's quite a cold detached mean kind of girl to not just me, which is understandable, but to anyone else but Tom, and she seems to flick off, disengage, with conversation with anyone but Tom, and haughtily think herself above, and look down on anyone else, but Tom, and seems to only hoover around Tom constantly, in the times I've been with the both of them in public, whereas almost all of the other members of couples that I knew had conversations with other people. In saying that, I do not wish to perform a character assassination of her, and whether her personality is cold, or warm, to other people, or to me, is frankly, irrelevant, in this situation. Tom and Sarah were on a break: their relationship was on the rocks, they were fighting on an almost daily basis, she went back to live with her family, wheras prior to that, they had both been living together in Tom's apartment near his campus, Tom explained to me. I visited his family's house again a few months ago, and it felt like it was a parallel to my visit to his house as a fifteen-year old. We're both twenty now. We hung out. But this time, we kissed for the first time, alone in his family's house. We also ahem for a few seconds touched intimate parts of each other's bodies, but that was the extent of what occurred between us. We have been texting each other almost all day, and even all night since that day we spent alone together. Since this day we spent together, we've only seen each other in public, when I visited two of his performances, and he was with his in his own words, 'on again, and off again' girlfriend, Sarah. She was there on the both times I watched his performances, and she understandably, had angry suspicious eyes whenever she looked at me, so I kept my conversation with him light, and convivial, as if we were only friends, or even only the vaguest of acquaintances. But last night, he said to me in text, that he was watching a movie, and I thought he was watching it with his girlfriend, Sarah. I cried at the thought of him watching a movie and snuggling up with Sarah, and I called my friend, who advised me to stop talking to him for a while, as she correctly reminded me that my actions were toxic, hurtful, and immoral, for all three relevant parties. Even in my most darkest projections of my future self, I never, ever, imagined that I would be the ty, home-wrecking, hoe-bag, concubine, mistress, , that I have been, tearing out another admittedly, not very nice girl's heart, but her lack of niceness is irrelevant, and tearing up her life, with my actions.Tom corrected my assumption that he was watching a movie with his girlfriend. He said he didn't watch the movie with her, and had in fact, watched it with someone else, I think he watched it with some friends of his. This conversation that we were going to have was inevitable. It was the elephant in the room. I did what my friend had advised me to do. I texted to him that my actions were toxic, hurtful, and immoral, for all three relevant parties, for me and Sarah, and that it would be best if we stopped talking for a while. After a little bit of texting about the situation, he reminded me that I had said that I should stop talking to him for a while. Since then, Tom hasn't responded to the two or three texts I have sent him, whereas the day before he responded to my texts at the same very minute that I would send them to him.

 

My biggest fear is that Tom and Sarah will get back get together in the time me and Tom are now spending apart. I am frightened that I'll loose the only boy I can now ever see myself with, on a long-term basis who now, has no physical problems for me. Outside of the Sarah situation, he is the sweetest, kindest, person I have ever met, apart from my Mum. I guess I should keep my distance now. But have I just driven him into the coldly waiting arms of Sarah? I'm incredibly worried about this. I can't eat or sleep because of it. I just finished my uni exams for this semester, and I am on holiday, but I do want to work in the holidays, just to let you know that I am not a unemployed bum who is leeching off of anybody, if you were wondering where I would get all of this spare time to spend worrying about my now seemingly fractured, or even, non-existent future with Tom, on a weekday.

 

I'd like to hear what advice, perspectives, or opinions, the eNote repliers would have for me, as clearly I'm terrible at having a successful relationship, and I am terrified that I will have to buy myself fifty cats tomorrow, and that I will have to resign myself to being a cat lady.

 

Thank you for reading. Thanks in advance,

 

Worried Saba.

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I guess I'm not getting that many replies. ;_; I wanted to also post my thread in the 'Dating' section, because it seems to get alot more replies, but the site told me I can only do that when my thread drops off of the main forum page. s: I'm sorry for posting it three times, yikes, I'm not good at this, lol, maybe I can ask the moderator to remove my first two threads? Please reply folks, thanks, Saba.

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